My womb is too damaged to sustain a pregnancy
I would give anything in the world to be able to carry my own child
But after 4 cycles of IVF, 6 cancelled cycles, £50,000 of fertility treatment, 2 pregnancies, 2 miscarriages, 3 surgeries and seeing the world's leading experts in infertility and miscarriage, I have been told I cannot carry a child and the only way for us to turn one of our frozen embryos into a person is if we transfer one into someone else's womb
I cannot express the extent to which I feel like a total failure as a woman, because I can't do what I'm supposed to be able to do as a biological woman
My body couldn't keep our babies alive. I am quite literally barren
Coming to terms with the fact I will never be able to carry our child has been devastating. That I will never be able to feel our baby kick inside me, that someone else would be nurturing our baby with their body and feeling their movements - and knowing that the law means that they are the legal mother of our child - is very tough emotionally. Accepting that my pregnancies which failed are as close as I will ever get to this.
I have had the privilege of getting to know a number of women who love being surrogates. Commercial surrogacy is illegal in this country so surrogates cannot be paid for carrying a pregnancy. You can't simply throw cash at a woman. Surrogates in the UK can only do surrogacy for expenses only - meaning expenses directly incurred as a result of the pregnancy, so that they're not left out of pocket (eg loss of earnings, childcare, maternity clothes, travel to clinic or midwife appointments)
Surrogacy in the UK is altruistic and based in friendship and trust. There is no legally enforceable agreement between the surrogate and the intended parents. The surrogate goes on the birth certificate until a parental order is granted and a new birth certificate can be issued
Surrogates hold the power - they are the ones who choose intended parents to match with, not the reverse
As IPs you can't just throw money at a surrogate. A surrogate chooses you.
It is illegal to facilitate a match or advertise for a surrogate, so matches come from friendships between surrogates and IPs
I have had the privilege of knowing a number of surros from the UK surrogacy community - including one very special lady who is very keen to match with us. She has 4 children of her own and has wanted to be a surro for many years now. She has been sterilised by personal choice as she doesn't want any more children of her own, but she absolutely loves being pregnant and says that she cannot imagine life without her children, and desperately wants to be able to help couples like us to have their own families. Her ambition is to do 4 surrogacy journeys (ie 4 pregnancies) - one for each of her own children
Other surros I know have done several journeys already - one was desperate to be pregnant again just a week after having given birth to her 4th surro baby!
Women do it out of incredible generosity and kindness, and a desire to help others.
It is from a profoundly humbling place. I am in awe of the surrogates and amazing stories in the UK surrogacy community. It isn't based in vulnerable exploitation but a profoundly moving bond between surros and IPs
I would spend it on high quality health care, foods, and any other help that I can think of that would enable me to have a healthy pregnancy.
I've spent over £50,000 on trying to have a healthy pregnancy. Sadly not everyone's womb can be fixed by high quality healthcare. We have 5 frozen embryos left that no amount of foods will help me to carry any of these to term. Do you know of a solution that will enable me to have a healthy pregnancy that specialists on both sides of the Atlantic say do not exist? I'd love to hear about them. It sounds very easy from what you've said. Please do enlighten me.
If I cpuldn't conceive I would look at adoption. It's not easy I know but there are so many kids that need a home.
There are many more prospective adopters than there are children to be adopted. Most parents wouldnt get approved to be adoptive parents to their own children. It's not just not easy. It doesn't matter how much love you have to give, many many couples are rejected as adopters for a multitude of reasons. Such as being self employed. Or working. Or having any health issues. Or not having family close by. Or not having a garden. These are all reasons that couples on the surrogacy groups I'm on have been rejected by adoption panels
Surrogacy is only ever a matter of last resort. I am glad that those of you who see fit to judge intended parents like me and my husband were able to have your own families and won't ever need to be in a situation where you can't carry your own child. It's very easy to say what you would or wouldn't do when you haven't had to stand in someone else's shoes