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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD Moroccan lover

146 replies

DreamManOrScam · 12/02/2018 16:21

NC as outing. More WWYD than AIBU.

I have a dear friend who is very keen to settle down and have a family. Her Tinder profile says that she is looking for a husband and that she wants to have a baby. She is in her early forties.

In November she met a Moroccan man on Tinder and in January she visited him, in Morocco, for one night. She has not spent any more time with him in real life, but is planning to visit him at the end of February again. She has/will be paying for both trips. He is in his late twenties.

In the last fortnight, she has told me that they are engaged to be married and that she is working on his visa application. She believes they will be married within 4 months and that they will live in the UK. She would like to get pregnant as soon as possible.

She has told me that his English is not very good and that they have trouble communicating. She has asked him to sign up to English lessons and she believes he has started this. I know she has a team of colleagues who she has spoken to about him but she says that they are all being narrow minded about her decisions. I take that to mean they are expressing concern on her behalf. She has not listened to their advice.

My concern: that she has advertised herself as vulnerable and that someone has proposed incredibly because of this. I believe there's a good chance he would like a visa and that he thinks he can easily manipulate her into falling in love. Her family do not live in the UK and they do not have any concerns about this marriage (they have not met him). She cannot afford to raise a child on her own and would have to quit her job if she became a single mother. Of course, I could be being a worrywart and stereotyping.

I have tried encouraging a cautious approach but my advice is falling on deaf ears.

I really do not want her to be hurt. WWYD?

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/02/2018 19:45

Wisteria, I lived in Egypt, it really is like that, when there’s money in the mix, when it’s a western woman in the mix, there are no rules at all.

Ogling women in the month Ramadan, harassing and crowding women, following and harassing mothers - covered or not/western or not - stripping women of their veils...

AdalindSchade · 13/02/2018 20:08

Hissy please. Egypt == Morocco at ALL. Your generalisations are frankly ignorant bollocks.

specialsubject · 13/02/2018 20:09

Morocco is not in the EU hence the difficulty of getting a visa.

ASimpleLampoon · 13/02/2018 20:11

OP I have been married to my "Moroccan Lover" for 7 years - together for 9, it sometimes works out you know!

Please don't warn her off him by suggesting he is using her for a visa - you are not the first person who will have said it - more like the 1000th. and this gets really old very quickly. Trust me, she has thought of that!

Please advise her practically though from another angle. That in order to be successful for a visa, she will need to show that they have met and spent time together face to face. She will need to have met his family and friends etc. It will be a very expensive process and very complicated - she needs to be sure about this guy , and she needs to get her ducks in her row with respect to what she needs for a visa. There is a Facebook group called I love my foreign spouse. There are some very knowledgable people on their who have been through the process and can give good support - point her in the right direction to find out the info/docs she needs.

He will need to learn more English - he has to pass a test before he comes, but if you have communication problems in the shared language then this can raise suspicions of the HO.

If she doesn't want to wait that long I hope she can use her annual leave to spend as much time with him face to face as possible.

DH and I moved quite fast but we spent lots of time together in the early days with me going over there for visits.

whyohwhy000 · 13/02/2018 20:12

What is she doing that's illegal?
This is almost certainly going to be a sham marriage (whether she knows that or not).

wisterialanes · 13/02/2018 20:51

Hissy I have lived and travelled in the ME and it really isn't that easy. It is actually harder in a Muslim country to get married than it is to have a Muslim marriage in the UK. In saying that though no mosque in the UK will marry a couple who have known each other for hours (as you suggested).

Hissy · 13/02/2018 22:31

I’ve seen it happen in Egypt Wisteria a couple married on first meeting, he was old and disgusting, she was younger (30’s so unmariable to good men her age) and destitute

Even so she ended up running away screaming in about 10days. He was literally the most revolting man I have ever witnessed.

Trust me, the Egypt I know won’t be the ME you knew.

Hissy · 13/02/2018 22:34

Also had a man offer his wife to my now ex oh in front of me while we were viewing a flat. That was Morocco though.

Countless women would try their luck with him.

I had to change my mobile number 3times because it got guess-dialled by young guys and then spread around so I’d get multiple calls at all hours from men trying to snag themselves a western woman to take them to the uk.

Hissy · 13/02/2018 22:35

Money talks all languages, even on mosques

I even recall a woman had her purse stolen by a woman she’d been to pray with...

MikeUniformMike · 14/02/2018 11:56

I thought that Tinder hooked you up with people in your area, not 1000s of miles away.

BarbarianMum · 14/02/2018 12:02

Of course he doesn't love her, he barely knows her and can't communicate with her effectively. Equally she doesn't really love him - for exactly the same reasons.

Basically she's buying a husband and father for the baby she wants. She's not vulnerable she's either a) incredibly stupid or b) engaged in a financial transaction and has dubious morals.

hmmwhatatodo · 14/02/2018 12:28

Wisteria, what I meant was that you could go into a mosque and go to speak to someone about finding a husband and they would have a list of names ready that they think would suit you. She’s female and British so no doubt lots of the men on the list would be quite happy to marry her (esp the non British ones), failing that she could go to the mosque bookshop, restaurant, group of women and I am certain she would leave with at least one number of someone to contact. If she was super keen I do think she could easily be married within days/weeks. I wasn’t suggesting she rocks up at 2pm and leaves with a husband at 3pm though I’m sure in some countries this is more than possible.

AstridWhite · 14/02/2018 14:14

What's so interesting about these situations is that when the woman is British, middle aged, lonely and represents a meal ticket for young men from poor countries, she's assumed to be vulnerable and easy prey for men who are only wanting to sleep with her/marry her for her money and a passport. She's assumed to be a little bit dim and in need of saving from herself.

But when the man is British, middle aged, lonely and represents a meal ticket for much younger women from poor countries, it's still the woman who is assumed to be the vulnerable one, and easy prey for an an older man who just wants sex on tap from a subservient woman who will do his laundry. The fact that she's going along with it for his money and a passport seems to make her the one deserving of our concern.

He's not considered vulnerable or easily duped in the slightest. In fact he's viewed with contempt and disgust, not sympathy or pity. Confused

hmmwhatatodo · 14/02/2018 18:04

I don’t think so Astrid, I knew a man who got involved with a younger woman, I think she was in Thailand. He was definitely being played!

MikeUniformMike · 14/02/2018 18:13

I too know of middle aged men who have been duped. The young woman, typically Thai, usually has dependants that the groom doesn't know about when he marries her.

eloisesparkle · 14/02/2018 18:19

Why are some women so stupid ?
Hasn't she seen the articles in the papers and the tv programmes that tell the stories of women duped by a younger lover who just wants the money or visa or both Sad

Birdsgottafly · 14/02/2018 18:24

its very unlikely that she will have a live birth, especially if she has to leave it another year.

If she really wants a baby she has to be realistic and just go for it.

He has worked out that its very unlikely that she will saddle him with a child, so she is an easy option to just clear off on.

I holiday in Morocco, as a pp said, you get marriage proposals daily.

You could try again when she has been to visit him, but then give it up and just be there when she realises that she's thrown away what time she had left to get pregnant.

Birdsgottafly · 14/02/2018 18:28

"Why are some women so stupid ?"

It isn't just Women and it isn't stupidity its desperation.

anna231a · 14/02/2018 18:47

This recently happened to someone I know. She gave him everything and now he’s dumped her. Sadly all his friends seemed to have been doing the same, these men seem able to spot a vulnerable woman from a 1000 paces and they swap tips (I’ve heard the conversations). But, I don’t think your friend will take any notice of your warnings so all you can do is be there as a listening ear when it all goes wrong.

Wauden · 14/02/2018 21:30

I suggest you find all the stories of Moroccan men taking advantage of British women for a visa, and show your friend these sad stories.

She needs to get real, fast.

MikeUniformMike · 14/02/2018 21:37

Something like 1 in 6 couples struggle to conceive.
Things going against them:
An 18-yr age gap
Long distance relationship
No common language
Visa/Immigration
Fertility - potential IVF and IVF failure.
Cultural differences
OLD meeting on hook-up site.

Things going for them:
?

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