Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD Moroccan lover

146 replies

DreamManOrScam · 12/02/2018 16:21

NC as outing. More WWYD than AIBU.

I have a dear friend who is very keen to settle down and have a family. Her Tinder profile says that she is looking for a husband and that she wants to have a baby. She is in her early forties.

In November she met a Moroccan man on Tinder and in January she visited him, in Morocco, for one night. She has not spent any more time with him in real life, but is planning to visit him at the end of February again. She has/will be paying for both trips. He is in his late twenties.

In the last fortnight, she has told me that they are engaged to be married and that she is working on his visa application. She believes they will be married within 4 months and that they will live in the UK. She would like to get pregnant as soon as possible.

She has told me that his English is not very good and that they have trouble communicating. She has asked him to sign up to English lessons and she believes he has started this. I know she has a team of colleagues who she has spoken to about him but she says that they are all being narrow minded about her decisions. I take that to mean they are expressing concern on her behalf. She has not listened to their advice.

My concern: that she has advertised herself as vulnerable and that someone has proposed incredibly because of this. I believe there's a good chance he would like a visa and that he thinks he can easily manipulate her into falling in love. Her family do not live in the UK and they do not have any concerns about this marriage (they have not met him). She cannot afford to raise a child on her own and would have to quit her job if she became a single mother. Of course, I could be being a worrywart and stereotyping.

I have tried encouraging a cautious approach but my advice is falling on deaf ears.

I really do not want her to be hurt. WWYD?

OP posts:
rosesarered9 · 12/02/2018 18:32

I know you've said you don't want to, but you have to do the right thing and report this.

FrogFairy · 12/02/2018 18:34

If your friend is Muslim, would she consider an arranged marriage?

At least that way her family would be involved in choosing someone they feel suitable for her.

AdalindSchade · 12/02/2018 22:16

Suppose he did come over, they got married, she got pregnant. As he would not be eligible to work

You can work on a limited leave to remain visa, just can't claim benefits.

As it happens I do know a couple of Moroccan SAHDs but it's not common. I really doubt that's likely to happen

MikeUniformMike · 12/02/2018 22:22

She is in her 40s. Pregnancy is not guaranteed.
He is young enough to be her son. He is not guaranteed to stick around.
They don't have a common language.

TheCraicDealer · 12/02/2018 22:37

Quite honestly I think it's baby or toyboy- if she wants a child so badly then she'd be better putting her money and time towards a sperm donor/IVF rather than visits to Morocco and immigration lawyers. She'll end up wasting her last fertile years on this charade, that's the most tragic part of it.

There's literally a series on this on channel 5 on demand, Holiday Love Rats or something, but I fear she's beyond reason.

ifIwasinvisiblewaitIalreadyam · 12/02/2018 22:56

You are right to worry.
He has caught her at her most vulnerable and will take advantage of everything.
My mum was in this exact situation (Tunisian guy) he took advantage of her low self esteem and she lost everything because of him and also got beaten by him on numerous occasions.
If she ends up having children with this man and she visits him over there, if he says that the children can't leave the country then she can be stopped with them. Fathers have final say over the mother.
She will not get him into this country. It is terribly hard to get any visa in normal circumstances, but if she's only been with him 4 months and met him once then you shouldn't worry. He would have to take an English test to start with and then they would have to provide at LEAST two years of pictures, flight tickets of her visits (and other travel documents), pictures of their times together, messages and phone call logs and the list goes on. She would also have to earn £18,000 upwards to support him here, and that amount goes up by £3,000 for each child she has with him.
All I can really say is you have to let her get it on her own. The more I argued the toss with my mum the further away it pushed her. She lost a lot of money, and a seriously bruised pride but she's come out the other side. She needed to figure out he wasn't genuine for herself. Believe me something will happen and she'll wake up from it. Xxx

HildaZelda · 12/02/2018 23:09

Why, why, WHY do these women still persist in claiming that "This is different, I know he really loves me"

No pet. He loves your wallet and that's as far as it will ever go. As soon as that wallet is empty, it's sayonara toyboy.

GertNBert · 12/02/2018 23:27

I think it's seedy and very likely to end in tears. Is she usually this daft?

MikeUniformMike · 12/02/2018 23:32

Of course it won't end in tears. I'd bet my pet unicorn's life on it.

AstridWhite · 13/02/2018 05:07

Her family are from a muslim country and many of her siblings and relatives married in a matter of weeks / months. They don't see this as being any different. They seem to be missing the obvious elephant in the room.

Then I am surprised they haven't already hooked her up with someone from her own 'home country' community. Confused

Really surprised, actually. Unless she's a very unappealing prospect who no-one has been persuaded to marry so far, which makes this Moroccan man's motives even more suspicious.

hmmwhatatodo · 13/02/2018 13:06

She could go to the mosque and hook herself up with someone in a matter of hours but then I suppose there will be no sunshine and fake promises involved so not as appealing and certainly nothing to daydream about.

Caroelle · 13/02/2018 13:23

If she has a child with him, that will give him a different legal status. He will have equal PR, and will have rights in relation to the child. He will probably have very different cultural norms to her and different expectations. I have worked with women who have done this and they live in fear, day to day, of their children being removed and taken to father’s home country. He may be the love of her life but she needs to balance this with the reality of a relationship, and possibly co-parenting, with this man.

MikeUniformMike · 13/02/2018 13:24

How can he be the love of her life? They've not even had a proper conversation.

OutyMcOutface · 13/02/2018 13:32

I think that the only thing you could do in this situation is be blunt-what would a 20 something year old man want with a penniless 40 year old woman he barely knows unless it was a visa? She wants to bring a child into this mess. You should at least try to stop her.

Whiterabbitears · 13/02/2018 13:48

Those of us old enough to remember the Deirdre and Samir storyline on Corrie will know that not all North African men are just after a visa

You know that was a soap storyline and err not real, right? Confused

expatinscotland · 13/02/2018 13:58

Why can't she go to mosque or ask someone in her family to put her in touch with someone available who's already here then?

Aridane · 13/02/2018 14:06

I know you've said you don't want to, but you have to do the right thing and report this

Why is it the right thing to report? What is she doing that's illegal?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/02/2018 14:07

She isn’t stupid and deep down she knows OP

She clearly wants a baby

What about a sperm bank thats surely cheaper and faster

Very sad but not much you can do

Aridane · 13/02/2018 14:08

To play devil's advocate: why is it that she is being taken advantage of?

If she gets pregnant by this younger man offering marriage, then she gets her much wanted baby.

He is the one vulnerable of being kicked out of the UK (assuming he gets here) if she doesn't get pregnant or things don't work out

DreamManOrScam · 13/02/2018 15:32

Thanks for all the comments. It's very clear that I need to take my chat up to the next level. I don't want this to go wrong for her, and for her to ask why I / we didn't step in with our thoughts.

To answer the question on vulnerability, I don't think she is (at this time) vulnerable. I mean to say that he could have zoned in on her as a potential target because she advertised herself as very keen to start a family and get married soon. Her rationale being she wanted to avoid time wasters on Tinder.

I completely agree that a sperm doner would be preferable. At least she would be walking into that with her eyes open.

I'm seeing her this week and will have a frank conversation with her. To those who suggested her saying that she would move to Morocco - that's a really good idea. I will put it to her.

For those who have said she's daft, I can't help but agree. It seems so obvious from the outside.

Thank you

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 13/02/2018 17:39

Whiterabbitears, and he turned out to be a perfect match to be Tracy's kidney donor too! Just goes to show what can happen if you look a bit further than your own back yard. It was so realistic that he was called Shamir for a few episodes. Maybe OP's friend's beau is called Sham...

Hissy · 13/02/2018 18:09

He will most likely be engaged already

The plan is to hook up with some desperate western women (who are all whores anyway, so don’t matter at all) get married, get papers, get work, make some money to send home, then get shot of her and bring his real wife/family over.

That’s how it usually works

Tinder is not known for marriage making, its more widely known for nsa/Hook up/flings

She would be better off dating a man in her own town, meeting him regularly and work out who he really is

She’ll have more recourse if he leaves her in the shit

Someone said “what’s the problem if he does leave her in the lurch, she gets a kid”

That poor child grows up with a shit for a Dad.

My ex is a crap dad to his dc and he’s forrin, but I met him in London, we lived together 5 years before I had my dc and I still didn’t expect him to turn out like that.

She’d be better off playing the lottery, the odds for success are better.

Hissy · 13/02/2018 18:15

I’m not against OLD, far from it, but it’s a long haul.

I’ve found an absolutely amazing guy, we’re together over a year and I absolutely have won the lottery with him, so it can happen.

But not when you’re looking on tinder and setting the bar so low in the first place.

OLD is a serious business, and you have to put up with a lot, but grow a skin and you never know...

wisterialanes · 13/02/2018 19:10

hmm I can assure you that you don't get 'hooked up' with someone in the mosque within a matter of hours. It really isn't like that Hmm

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/02/2018 19:29

I think the odds are against her. DH is Algerian, we met in London (he already had Leave to Remain) and I know he would agree with me on this. DH's nephews are in their 20s and 30s and I know a lot of them would love to come here for the opportunities. However, a lot of them also have their future partners already picked out by family if they are not already married. I think the most likely outcome if she could get a visa at all, which is really difficult from N Africa now, that the marriage will not last. He may then get married to the original family choice of partner.

Swipe left for the next trending thread