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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD Moroccan lover

146 replies

DreamManOrScam · 12/02/2018 16:21

NC as outing. More WWYD than AIBU.

I have a dear friend who is very keen to settle down and have a family. Her Tinder profile says that she is looking for a husband and that she wants to have a baby. She is in her early forties.

In November she met a Moroccan man on Tinder and in January she visited him, in Morocco, for one night. She has not spent any more time with him in real life, but is planning to visit him at the end of February again. She has/will be paying for both trips. He is in his late twenties.

In the last fortnight, she has told me that they are engaged to be married and that she is working on his visa application. She believes they will be married within 4 months and that they will live in the UK. She would like to get pregnant as soon as possible.

She has told me that his English is not very good and that they have trouble communicating. She has asked him to sign up to English lessons and she believes he has started this. I know she has a team of colleagues who she has spoken to about him but she says that they are all being narrow minded about her decisions. I take that to mean they are expressing concern on her behalf. She has not listened to their advice.

My concern: that she has advertised herself as vulnerable and that someone has proposed incredibly because of this. I believe there's a good chance he would like a visa and that he thinks he can easily manipulate her into falling in love. Her family do not live in the UK and they do not have any concerns about this marriage (they have not met him). She cannot afford to raise a child on her own and would have to quit her job if she became a single mother. Of course, I could be being a worrywart and stereotyping.

I have tried encouraging a cautious approach but my advice is falling on deaf ears.

I really do not want her to be hurt. WWYD?

OP posts:
TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 12/02/2018 17:49

I do think it's interesting that most replies have been how foolish she is and how he will exploit her and is lying.

When I go to Thailand and see the 40/50/60 yo men with 18 yo (hopefully, but not always 18 yo) Thai women, I see the exploitation is of the younger, financially constrained woman.

This man is young; presumably poor. She is older and wealthier. And she wants a young sperm donor. The exploitation is by no means one way.

jarhead123 · 12/02/2018 17:52

I never get how people can be so fucking gullible

wisterialanes · 12/02/2018 17:52

OP I don't think your friend is vulnerable, she has joined Tinder (which is hardly a matrimonial site!) in view of finding a husband. She knows what she is doing, I just pity any child born out of this arrangement.

londonista · 12/02/2018 17:53

It isn't actually that easy to get someone a visa in this situation. So you might be worrying about nothing.

wisterialanes · 12/02/2018 17:55

I don't think the 'love rats' is comparable. The friend is looking to start a family with someone quickly, he hasn't exactly wooed her with big promises and declarations of undying love. She thinks she knows what she is doing.

londonista · 12/02/2018 17:56

@virtualreality - yes quite. I'm constantly told by Brexiters that "our borders are porous" (or versions of that, usually misspelled or in all-caps).

I normally reply that there are around 5000 in Calais that would disagree with that!

Hissy · 12/02/2018 17:57

Trust me, this will end badly.

Well known ploy

Tell your friend, but be prepared that she’s so devoid of self respect and esteem that she won’t believe you and will end the friendship with you and go on to ruin her life and blight the life of a poor kid with another useless and absent prick of a dad

Hissy · 12/02/2018 18:00

He wouldn’t even look at a woman in Morocco over 30, women are practically unmarriable after that, unless she’s rich and he is poor and pretty.

She needs to wake up.

joystir59 · 12/02/2018 18:00

Immigration costs thousands of pounds and takes years.

Stormwhale · 12/02/2018 18:01

A family member on dps side did exactly this. The whole family were horrified and sure she was being used so he could get into the country. She even fell pregnant before he moved here. We all thought it was doomed, but actually they are still together now, nearly 8 years later. He is a lovely man who thinks the world of her and their daughter. So, although it doesn't sound great, it can work out ok.

BuckysRoboticArm · 12/02/2018 18:02

This is not a real relationship.

It is going to end badly at some point.

virtualreality · 12/02/2018 18:02

The woman could consider sperm donation. Hopefully a baby would result for her, but without all the stupid love rat nonsense.

MissMoneyPlant · 12/02/2018 18:03

Maat ...to go for the advantage-taking pretty young boy instead of a loving nerdy chubby guy down the street...

Is there actually a ready supply of "lovely" (nerdy, chubby, or otherwise) men of a similar age who are single? if so point me in the right direction

Olddear · 12/02/2018 18:07

Are men in their twenties in the UK beating a path to her door? So, why is he? Give her a copy of 'Take a Break' it's full of these kind of stories.

DeathStare · 12/02/2018 18:10

A few people have raised concerns about her ending up alone with a baby. I see the potential for a different outcome.

Suppose he did come over, they got married, she got pregnant. As he would not be eligible to work, and you say she could not afford to give up work, she would need to return to work while he became a SAHD.

If he then left it would be rather likely he would get custody of the baby and she would end up paying maintenance.

Perhaps put that to her and see if that is the situation she envisages.

If that is not a situation she would be happy with then the only solutions would be to either wait to have a baby until he has the right to work and has found a job (which in her early 40s may not be an option) or she has to trust him to never leave her. Does she really feel she can have that sort of trust after 1 night?

MikeUniformMike · 12/02/2018 18:10

I'm sure there are plenty of single men in this country (who don't need a visa to be here) who would love to settle down and start a family. I don't think that a hookup app is the best place to look for them.

Maatsuyker · 12/02/2018 18:13

*MissMoney
*
Before I married one I did the whole online dating thing and the websites were crawling with slightly socially awkward, badly dressed it-nerds. Some of them are really nice and caring.

Booboobooboo84 · 12/02/2018 18:15

I think you just have to be honest but supportive.

I always fine that of you tell a friend an awkward truth but say your only going to bring it up once and that you will support them no matter what then it is often taken well and acted on. Maybe not immediately but if you show that you support her choices but you will also support her without judgement should she change her mind

Pecano · 12/02/2018 18:20

I know someone living in the uk who is currently engaged to a man living in Morocco. Different situation as they met online almost a year ago and she has been over 4 or 5 times to spend a few weeks with him. They are planning on getting married in a few months and applying for a visa. From what I understand, it’s a very long and difficult process to get the visa so I don’t think it’s as easy as some bloke thinking “i’ll marry an English woman to get in to the country”.

I also get the impression that in Morocco hey don’t really do the whole dating/long engagement thing, it’s very much like your with someone to get married, that’s the whole point. So proposing after a short time is not at all unusual over there

MikeUniformMike · 12/02/2018 18:21

Your friend would be wise to get her fertility checked and to investigate AID. The Moroccan toyboy from Tinder is not likely to be anything other than a whole lot of heartache.

Estellanpip · 12/02/2018 18:21

It's a transaction, not a meaningful relationship. It happens all the time and the women always present themselves as victims of a scam after the event. But they aren't if they're of sound mind.
Wwyd? Well, what can you do? If it were you we could give you advice, but it's your friend and nothing you say will help her if she's decided to go through with this.

Sarahjconnor · 12/02/2018 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DextroDependant · 12/02/2018 18:23

The woman 4 doors down married her Egyptian toyboy, they are still together now at least 10 years on.

A mum from the school and her sister married Tunisian brothers and are still together 6 years later with children. They moved to Ireland for a year before coming to the UK, I have no idea why but they couldn't come straight to the UK but could come from Ireland.

MongerTruffle · 12/02/2018 18:30

You can report a fake marriage here:
www.gov.uk/report-immigration-crime
It can be done anonymously, so your friend wouldn't know that it was you, if you decide to report.

HazelBite · 12/02/2018 18:32

My nephew married a girl from New Zealand, even though she had been living and working here when they met both families wee questioned by the home office.
Ds3 has had a 10 year relationship with a US national they are to marry shortly (it is easier for them to marry in the US) but we have looked into all of this and it is not going to be straightforward for her to come and live here.
I would think that the Op's friend has little idea of the difficulties she will face especially as they do not have a common language, and if she has little family support, this will not bode well for them as a couple.

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