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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex didn't return kids.

190 replies

AngryMom1 · 11/02/2018 16:48

So kids where due back to me at 3, when they did not come by 3:30 I rang my ex to find at what he was playing at and he told me he tought as I changed pickup arragements on friday that from now own I would be driving the 2hrs to pick them up.

I am furioius, what can I do to make him bring them back.

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 11/02/2018 17:18

You're being massively unreasonable.

You changed the parameters. It's not your ex's problem that you want to give up your car. Do right by your children and stop being an idiot.

VelvetSpoon · 11/02/2018 17:18

The police won't be interested.

You need to go and get them and as a pp said go back to court to renegotiate if you feel the current order is unfair. However it's perfectly possible that a judge may consider it's fair to meet halfway, or that one of you does the whole journey on a Fri and the other on a Sun.

I'd say it seems quite unlikely a judge would order your Ex to do 8 hours driving in 48 hours just because you want to sell your car...

ShowMePotatoSalad · 11/02/2018 17:18

GriefLeavesItsMark possibly, but I know a few parents who behaved like this after separation. Mums and dads. Anything to keep up the anger and animosity for as long as possible, even when it negatively affects the kids. Very, very sad behaviour.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 11/02/2018 17:19

YABU

Bowerbird5 · 11/02/2018 17:21

So he is driving four hours with the kids in the car after work. I wouldn't consider that very safe. I would do the two hours halfway for the safety of the kids.

upsideup · 11/02/2018 17:21

Please dont call the police, hes not a stranger who has kidnapped your kids, dont waste their time.
He's their father and he will give them to you if you go and get them like you made him do. I hope you havnt come back to this thread because you are busy driving to get your children.

HarveyKietelRabbit · 11/02/2018 17:24

How about thinking about what is best for your children rather than what you want.

coalwife · 11/02/2018 17:25

I agree. Hope OK is away to pick up her children and not just HiFi g because there was no bashing sympathy here.

Rockclimber12 · 11/02/2018 17:27

Friend of mine has been in this scenario before Christmas and she did call the police - ex did't have phone with him when he went out with the kids but she had 6 hours of hell and frantic chasing around to wonder where he was - they live about 30 mins away from each other.
The police passed on a referral to social services and she had a hellish month or two proving that child protection shouldn't be involved with the family. The only lining in that cloud was that it shook the ex up enough to stop behaving like a sod and stick to pre-arranged times.

SluttyButty · 11/02/2018 17:28

We moved nearly three hours away from the dc’ father. We have maintained the agreement years later of one of us picks up and one drops off. As much as it wears me out I’ve stuck to the arrangement and you should too. It’s about the children and letting them have as normal a life as possible not about how many hours of your day it takes up Confused Maybe you should consider every two weeks until Sunday evening as a compromise

GreenSeededGrape · 11/02/2018 17:30

How is a 2 hour drive taking up pretty much all of a day Confused

Gemini69 · 11/02/2018 17:32

How is a 2 hour drive taking up pretty much all of a day confused

2 hours each way... 4 hour round trip... is a long day... whichever parent is doing it...

DistanceCall · 11/02/2018 17:33

if he want to see them should he not put in the effort?

It's not about him or your. Your children have a right to see their father, and you should both facilitate that.

Meeting him halfway sounded like a reasonable solution. I understand that you would prefer not to have a car, but I'm sorry, you need a car to drive your children.

tillytrotter1 · 11/02/2018 17:34

You seem to be wanting everything to suit yourself, as my late Dad said, 'wanting t'cake and t'ha'penny'. As for the suggestion that you reduce his time to every other weekend, why should he suffer because you're so full of yourself?

MiddleClassProblem · 11/02/2018 17:34

Can only hope she’s gone to pick them up

steff13 · 11/02/2018 17:35

2 hours each way... 4 hour round trip... is a long day... whichever parent is doing it...

But they were meeting halfway, so it was only two hours, one to the halfway point, one back home.

DistanceCall · 11/02/2018 17:35

By the way, if he's 2 hours away, meeting him halfway would require you to drive 1 hour there and 1 hour back (and 1 hour there and 1 hour back when you pick your children up).

I'm not sure how that takes up all your Friday and Sunday. If you leave at 2 to pick up your children at 3, you'll be back home by 4.

Terftastic · 11/02/2018 17:36

One drops off and one picks up is a fair way to do it.

You would have a point if he was the one who moved away though - I think it would then be incumbent on him to do the travelling.

Him holding you to ransom like this - and waiting for you to phone - is very unreasonable.

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/02/2018 17:36

So I guess OP moved away as she won't answer - unless she has set off on her 4 hour trip!

Ivymaud · 11/02/2018 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FoodGloriousFud · 11/02/2018 17:38

I think you're wrong, why should he do 8 hours of driving and you do none?! I agree with others who say each doing one full trip is a good idea.

MiddleClassProblem · 11/02/2018 17:38

My assumption that she moved as now she doesn’t need the car as surely when he lived close was when she actually didn’t need the car if still in this super convenient area.

No, it reads as she’s moved to the area where everything is near.

Lemonnaise · 11/02/2018 17:39

YABU I'm afraid. Just meet him halfway.

tillytrotter1 · 11/02/2018 17:41

You would have a point if he was the one who moved away though - I think it would then be incumbent on him to do the travelling.

So if she is the one who moved away then surely by this logic she should do all the travelling.

DarthArts · 11/02/2018 17:41

You have a duty to allow your children to have contact with their father.

The fact you don't like the travel and want to get rid of your car are moot points really.

The reality is you want to make choices to your personal benefit that infringe on your Ex in terms of both the cost and time the travel. Put simply you want him to subsidise your choices.

I obviously don't know the back story and it's quite possible in the wider context that your not being as unreasonable as your appear in this instance.

However, you've made a unilateral demand to him to pick up the children and are now upset that he's done exactly the same as you in return.

Successful co-parenting is about putting your responsibilities to the children first and affording your Ex courtesy and respect whilst they do so.

If you want to get rid of your car then you need to consider how you can still meet your obligations or find an alternative (compromise in other words) that means your ex is happy with the new arrangement. That might mean less maintenance for you and/or more time with the children for him.

As stands - on this issue - you are not co-parenting. You were blackmailing him by saying "if you don't pick up the kids they aren't coming because I'm not going to facilitate contact".

You are then put out when he's shown you exactly how that must feel....

Honestly you need to take a step back from this and think about a better way to approach this issue.