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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to actually give a sh*t?

64 replies

RainbowMoonbeam · 09/02/2018 11:36

Ok, I may be being touchy as emotions are a little all over the place at the moment.
Last year my husband was diagnosed with cancer, it was caught very early, thank god. He had surgery and didn't need chemo or radiotherapy, all his follow up have come back clear and healthy. Obviously I was there for all the appointments, looked after him post surgery , took the financial load... and generally think I was pretty fcking supportive.
Fast forward to this year, I have been diagnosed with a BRCA genetic mutation and have just been given a date for BSO surgery and going through pre-appointments to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. So far my husband has attended no appointments with me, and the only comments and questions he's made regarding my upcoming surgery dates amount to "well as long as it's not X date as I've got a work thing".
I tried to start a conversation to him this morning regarding my HRT options and got "I don't know ask your doctor.", which given he spent over an hour last night discussing the injury and recovery of one of his friends following a sports accident, was pretty bloody infuriating.
Am I being over touchy here, or is he being a cnt?

OP posts:
KayaG · 09/02/2018 11:37

Cunt.

throwcushions · 09/02/2018 11:38

That's awful. I'm so sorry for you.

Want2bSupermum · 09/02/2018 11:39

He is being an idiot. I would spell out your expectations and tell him anything less is not acceptable. My vows at least included 'in sickness and in health' and he isn't following through.

Just don't say I expect x, y and z because that is what I did just state your expectations.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 09/02/2018 11:40

I would actually tell him point blank that he's being an unsupportive arse.

UnimaginativeNameChange1 · 09/02/2018 11:42

If your relationship is happy apart from this then I would wonder if he is terrified and cannot cope with it. But he is being a cunt, whatever the reason. I would start a conversation with him about marriage vows and sickness and health etc etc and if he has unresolved trauma from his own illness, or is struggling to come to terms with your issues, then he needs to get some therapy so that he can support you.

Original poster
RainbowMoonbeam · 09/02/2018 11:49

Thanks guys, the relationship is... well... it's ok. Going from one terminal illness to the potential of another in less than 12 months, and the financial cluster f*ck that brings have put things under a lot of pressure and there have been the inevitable arguments. The BSO isn't worrying me too much, although the prospect of menopause in my mid-thirties is a bit daunting. But the mastectomy is a big concern as the reconstruction option I'm going for is no small undertaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowMoonbeam · 09/02/2018 11:50

...not "terminal"... I meant "critical"

OP posts:
Bluelady · 09/02/2018 11:53

I wonder if he's really scared and can't face talking about it. You're both under massive pressure with so much that deal with in such a short time. Maybe he's reached overload.

FitBitFanClub · 09/02/2018 11:56

He might be shit scared, true, but if so he needs to Man The Fuck Up and realise that it's not all about him and that his wife needs some support here.

HollyBayTree · 09/02/2018 11:58

Unless, he's terrified ?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/02/2018 12:02

I am really horrified at his behaviour. It sounds as though he's not emotionally involved with you at all. Honestly, I wouldn't respond to a colleague in that way, never mind a partner.

You need to find out what's going on. What's he normally like if you're ill, eg with a bad cold? Is it always about him?

saladdays66 · 09/02/2018 12:02

Cunt. With double standards.

What's your relationship usually like? Is he possibly scared about your op and is hiding this by being a cunt?

feska5 · 09/02/2018 12:02

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this. To not feel supported or be able to talk about it with DH is horrible. Could it be he is doing ‘an ostrich’ and burying his head in fear? A lot of men do that. It doesn’t help how you feel though 💐.

SlowDown76mph · 09/02/2018 12:03

Ask him why he isn't being supportive. This is a big deal. Don't let it fester or make assumptions.

feska5 · 09/02/2018 12:04

Also agree with PP - he really needs to man up pronto!

ChasedByBees · 09/02/2018 12:04

He is being awful. Have you pointed out you listened to him talk about his friend’s injury yet he won’t talk to you about your issues? It’s pretty unforgivable to be honest.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/02/2018 12:08

Cunt.

Do point out that you know where you stand now, should he find himself in another difficult health situation.

Down the pub with yer mates while he has his appointments after texting him to get his own dinner when he gets back - that's where :)

Kittypillar · 09/02/2018 12:10

He is being a c* and should be far more supportive, although it's possible he's trying to make out it isn't a big deal to protect himself from worrying about it? Or maybe he is just exhausted from, as you've said, a full on year with serious illnesses (or the possibility of) to contend with?

In any case, his behaviour isn't on and you should call him up on it - tell him more than anything, you need his support right now, as this won't be a walk in the park and for him to act otherwise is incredibly unhelpful.

Kittypillar · 09/02/2018 12:14

Forgot to add, I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I really hope you do get the support you deserve Flowers

PositivelyPERF · 09/02/2018 12:15

Fuck that ‘he might be scared’ crap. It’s not.about.him! He needs to step up and support his wife. Honestly, that attitude would seriously make me reconsider my marriage. You need to get angry with him and lay your cards on the table. Point out that you looked after him and as you are a couple you should be able to rely on him, in your time of need. Why didn’t you say something when he was wittering on about his friend?

BonfiresOfInsanity · 09/02/2018 12:15

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wonder if it's more to do with the attention is no longer on him? A more extreme version of when you tell someone my DH that you are ill or unwell then they are more ill, except he is now well.

BonfiresOfInsanity · 09/02/2018 12:16

But yes, he's being a cunt.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/02/2018 12:16

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

Sadly, the answer to your question, is CUNT.

He’s being a selfish, horrible, nasty prick.

Your relationship sounds like it reached its ‘best before’ quite some time ago. I know you’re already going through a lot, but I’d rather do that on my own than have someone around who should be loving & supportive, but isn’t.

Oly5 · 09/02/2018 12:18

He’s being a massive arse and you need to tell him so

Huntinginthedark · 09/02/2018 12:18

Just wow
Really.
I think you truly find out how much someone loves and cares for you when you have to go through a massive trauma.

Imagine if he was having to have both his testis removed.

I mean a double fucking masectomy!!!?? That’s fucking hardcore

I am not sure I could move on from this.

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