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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to actually give a sh*t?

64 replies

RainbowMoonbeam · 09/02/2018 11:36

Ok, I may be being touchy as emotions are a little all over the place at the moment.
Last year my husband was diagnosed with cancer, it was caught very early, thank god. He had surgery and didn't need chemo or radiotherapy, all his follow up have come back clear and healthy. Obviously I was there for all the appointments, looked after him post surgery , took the financial load... and generally think I was pretty fcking supportive.
Fast forward to this year, I have been diagnosed with a BRCA genetic mutation and have just been given a date for BSO surgery and going through pre-appointments to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. So far my husband has attended no appointments with me, and the only comments and questions he's made regarding my upcoming surgery dates amount to "well as long as it's not X date as I've got a work thing".
I tried to start a conversation to him this morning regarding my HRT options and got "I don't know ask your doctor.", which given he spent over an hour last night discussing the injury and recovery of one of his friends following a sports accident, was pretty bloody infuriating.
Am I being over touchy here, or is he being a cnt?

OP posts:

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 09/02/2018 12:20

cunt.

I had a cancer scare a few years back. My OH is terrible about talking about things, but he didn't hesitate in coming with me to appointments.

HollyBayTree · 09/02/2018 12:20

Could I clarify - sorry, I'll get straight to the point - I've read and re read your OP. You don't actually have cancer, just carry the gene mutation?

MrTrebus · 09/02/2018 12:21

Do you not have any critical illness/income protection in place? Sick pay through work at least? There's lots of places you can get advice from if you're suffering financially OP and going through cancer treatment. Maybe get your husband on the case of that since he clearly cant/won't get involved with the medical side of things. Good luck Op

timeisnotaline · 09/02/2018 12:26

Yes you should be pissed off if he isn’t being supportive. But, while obviously a mastectomy is a big deal, if you are comparing having a gene mutation so you MIGHT get cancer with your dh having HAD cancer he might to be fair be struggling to empathise. I would focus on the operation and your stress regarding that in your conversation with him.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/02/2018 12:30

Oh bollocks he's terrified. It's not his tits that are at stake and even if he is terrified he need to put it aside and be supportive - as the OP did.

He's a cunt.

Pearlsaringer · 09/02/2018 12:32

Can you find time to go for a long walk together with no distractions so you can tell him how you are feeling? He is being a knob, but also a bit dense I suspect. He needs this spelling out.

Starlighter · 09/02/2018 12:34

Different situation, but when my mum was diagnosed with cancer, my then DP of 4 years was so unsupportive. He was so selfish and self-absorbed... traits I hadn’t really noticed before. I really needed him but he wasn’t there. I couldn’t really get over that tbh and we split up 6 months later. Even his own mum couldn’t comprehend his behaviour and he had no real defence.

I think people’s true colours show in a crisis and your DH is showing his.

Please talk to him. Tell him exactly what u expect and what u need. Be specific: I need u to come to every appointment, I need u to help me discuss my options, put work/social commitments second for a while, etc. You will need his support and he has to understand this.

All the best OP.

WeAllHaveWings · 09/02/2018 12:35

He's being unsupportive and insensitive. Is it because he's just an arse or because its "woman's" bits do you think? Either way its no excuse. You need to speak to him frankly and tell him how worried you are, how you feel you are facing this alone and how he is letting you down.

HeyRoly · 09/02/2018 12:36

Could I clarify - sorry, I'll get straight to the point - I've read and re read your OP. You don't actually have cancer, just carry the gene mutation?

Correct - and I would do the same if I were the OP.

Do you not think the OP is deserving of concern given it's "elective" surgery and she doesn't have cancer?

halfwitpicker · 09/02/2018 12:38

As everyone says he's being an idiot.

You poor thing op, what a stressful time

Huntinginthedark · 09/02/2018 12:40

Maybe she should not have the operation and wait till she gets breast cancer!

Jesus people

AngelsSins · 09/02/2018 12:40

He's being a cunt. It doesn't matter if he's terrified or whatever, this isn't about him and he needs to prioritise you. You should call him out on it and demand to know why he thinks it's acceptable for the relationship to be so one way.

Lizzie48 · 09/02/2018 12:47

He's being very selfish, if this is because he's terrified then he should realise that you're the one going under the knife and not him. You supported him when he needed that, he should do the same for you.

for you, OP

Shine0n18 · 09/02/2018 12:48

OP you are so strong to go through all you have and so brave to face what's to come. Your husband is letting you down massively when it matters but it sounds like you don't need him much anyway. When you feel less emotional make an honest evaluation of your relationship. Because you sound capable enough to take on whatever life throws at you by yourself. Take care.

PuppyMonkey · 09/02/2018 12:49

He sounds a proper knob end. You need to make it plain you need his support, although of course you shouldn’t have to.

My sister had a mastectomy (just one breast) and she needed lots of support, rest and recuperation afterwards. Fortunately her DH is not a twat. If it’s that he doesn’t understand the seriousness then he really does need to start learning now.

Does he think you’ll just mooch into surgery and skip out again after while he does his “work thing”?

user1495390685 · 09/02/2018 12:56

Could he be internally freaking out and hiding it? Just wondering? Mine did that once and I felt very hurt, so I thought I'd ask.

Iluvthe80s · 09/02/2018 12:59

Definitely cunty attitude. Will you challenge him on it?

Very sorry to read you are going through this. I would definitely suggest lining up other friends or family to help you when you come out of hospital. You'll need to rest up to give your body time to heal and your self to get over the operation.

midsomermurderess · 09/02/2018 13:00

I have been through the same procedure and you need as much support as you can get. So, yes, I’m afraid to say, he does sound like a selfish and insensitive cunt.

Rosielily · 09/02/2018 13:03

I am very sorry to read this. I can fully understand the emotional impact on you of your husband's cancer diagnosis having nursed my own husband through a terminal diagnosis. I am sorry about your recent diagnosis and I hope with all my heart that your planned surgery is successful. I echo what others are saying - is your husband terrified of what you are about to face and unable to handle it, following on so soon from his own illness? If that is the case then perhaps you could contact the MacMillan team local to you who may be able to assist with support and counselling for both of you. Alternatively, does your local hospital (ie general hospital or a centre specialising in cancer) offer support for people in your situations? I hope you find support soon.

parklives · 09/02/2018 13:04

He's being a cunt.
I feel he needs counselling if he can't deal with your illness and step up and support you.
Couple Counselling/therapy might not be a bad idea too.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 09/02/2018 13:04

He's being a cunt. I have one of these. I've had 2 serious health scares and his reaction was- don't bother me with this I don't want to talk about it. Doesn't matter if he's scared -you're more scared. It's the true sign of a person how they react to these things. He will never be better than this if there's a crisis.

mumofthemonsters808 · 09/02/2018 13:19

Don't let him get away with behaving so badly, you need him by your side, supporting you and reassuring you everything will be ok.He is your Husband not an acquaintance, a colleague, a neighbour, Good God, he has a duty of care towards you.

All I can think of to explain his behaviour, is that he is almost distancing himself and blocking the whole thing out, because he feels unable to cope with the emotional support he is expected to provide.Its no excuse though, tell him to up his game.

I hope everything goes well.

Jux · 09/02/2018 13:21

Start by talking about his cancer, treatment, etc and that you listened, talked engaged with him, thought about it, organised things, attended appts etc.

Then point out that now it's your turn, all he can say is "ask your doctor". Then ask him how he thinks that makes you feel. Go on to tell him that if all he can do is make you feel even more shit about it, what is his actual purpose in hanging around? You will cope better without him as you will be able to get help from SS and other people more easily without him there.

duckingfisaster · 09/02/2018 13:23

Sorry to hear what you are going through, sounds utterly shit & you sound very pragmatic about it. He sounds like he's being a dick. However some people require things to be spelt out to them even when they are blindingly obvious - maybe he is one of them. I once read a (horribly Americanised, so you have to get past that) book called 'The Five Love Languages' which explains the different ways we communicate love and support to each other & how us having different primary 'love languages' can lead to misunderstanding/hurt etc. Worth a look. Or he could just be a cunt, only you know!

Maybe start with 'rembember when you were going through xyz I did abc. Well now I'm going through this and I feel unsupported - what do you think, do you feel you are being supportive?'

Good luck with it all

PuppyMonkey · 09/02/2018 13:35

Ducking, sorry but that book does sound like bollox.

“Different primary love languages?”

More like “different ways to demonstrate you are a git.”

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