To expect my husband to actually give a sh*t?

[RainbowMoonbeam]

Ok, I may be being touchy as emotions are a little all over the place at the moment.
Last year my husband was diagnosed with cancer, it was caught very early, thank god. He had surgery and didn't need chemo or radiotherapy, all his follow up have come back clear and healthy. Obviously I was there for all the appointments, looked after him post surgery , took the financial load... and generally think I was pretty fcking supportive.
Fast forward to this year, I have been diagnosed with a BRCA genetic mutation and have just been given a date for BSO surgery and going through pre-appointments to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. So far my husband has attended no appointments with me, and the only comments and questions he's made regarding my upcoming surgery dates amount to "well as long as it's not X date as I've got a work thing".
I tried to start a conversation to him this morning regarding my HRT options and got "I don't know ask your doctor.", which given he spent over an hour last night discussing the injury and recovery of one of his friends following a sports accident, was pretty bloody infuriating.
Am I being over touchy here, or is he being a cnt?

On the surface yes he is being awful. However it may be that he really hasn’t dealt with (mentally) his own illness. It’s not an excuse but it may be a reason. There was something on the radio the other day about people who suffer a critical illness and often even if they recover fully their mental health is completely shot to pieces.

Now, your DH may just be a dick, I don’t know, but perhaps you need to lay it on the line and try and get you both some help (counselling?)
Best of luck with your treatment.

I've been where your DH has been in terms of a cancer diagnosis and treatment. On the surface everything is great, caught early, no chemo etc...but it's still just horrendous to deal with.

I'm not defending him for not being there for you when you were there for him at all. But I would guess he's not coped with his own diagnosis and has nothing left to give you so soon on top of it. I would tell him exactly what you need him to do. I would also suggest he talks to someone about his cancer experience because it's never as straight forward as 'you're cured, off you go.'

He's normally pretty good if I'm ill... not that it happens very often. Part of me wonder if it's because "it hasn't happened yet"... when he was ill we went from "oh look a lump" to surgery within two weeks, where as with me there's a much longer process in place.

Update: He's just come back in and apologised. Long story short, he's freaking out about finances (both our incomes are fairly critical and as my ops are "elective" very little help is available) and he's just about holding it together planning to take care of that, when he thinks about the whole how ill I'm going to be thing as well... well it hits overload.
He says he's also feeling a helpless as there's nothing he can do to fix it.
Thank you to everyone who's commented, I think you guys were right in terms of finding a couples support group we can look to. X

That’s a nice update, OP, looks like you are going to get the support you need and it was just a matter of crossed wires. Good luck with your treatment

No he can't fix it but he can hold your hand and listen to you while someone else with the know-how fixes it for you. Glad he's apologised.

This is important surgery that effect you and recovery is not short he needs to step it up you supported him and in return u get. nothing are your health needs not a priority for him I mean u can't go in hospital on that date he has a work thing so he's showed u what kind of support u are going to get put u're foot down and ask him if he's going to support u if not get someone else but relationship will suffer me and partner always care for each not through we have to we want to if he did this to me I would reavaluate relationship as he wouldn't care if there is complications and I die and he's not there as he's busy xz

That's great breakthrough all the best xx

He’s being a cunt

Apologies OP just see. Your latest update.

Sounds promising OP, good luck with your surgery and take care.

That seems incredibly uncaring and selfish of him

My dp had what I'm assuming your dh had last year, quick surgery followed by swift diagnosis.

It's only just hit him what a fucking close shave he had - and the speed at which it happenned. I'm talking about emotional crisis where he literally cannot just grab life by the ball(s) and move on, it's going to be a while before he accepts his new 'normal'.

Your dh is being hugely insensitive but I think he might just not 'get' how much of a massive fucking deal this is for you, especially as it's elective surgery.

Yy to sitting down for a proper chat and explaining how you feel and YOUR expectations.

Good luck op.

I was thinking he's terrified and overwhelmed when I read the OP.

Does he know that you WANT him to come to doctor's appointments with him? Not everybody wants that. If my DH or anybody else offered to come to a doctor's appointment with me, I would say no in about a nanosecond. (The only prenatal appointments I let him come to with either DC were ultrasounds.) I am very anxious about doctor's appointments, and having someone I know there with me seeing me be anxious would make me even more anxious. Someone who feels this way might not think to offer to go to doctor's appointments with other people, since they would rather clean a toilet with their tongues than have someone with them at a doctor's appointment. (I have learned that other people don't all feel this way, and if DH had a doctor's appointment for something serious, I would offer to go. But he knows I'm very anxious at doctor's appointments and would be more of a liability than an asset if I did go.)