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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I LTB, ditch the friend, or both?

150 replies

ScotInExile · 08/02/2018 23:11

DH has no self control when it comes to chocolate/crisps/biscuits etc. so we just don't buy them very often as he will happily eat the whole packet before I've even had a sniff of them.

I was talking to a mutual friend about my craving for some lovely chocolate but that I was unwilling to buy it and bring it into the house as I knew DH would eat it all before I got a chance to even taste it. The next time I met up with mutual friend he kindly gave me a large bar of my favourite chocolate and suggested I should hide it from DH so I could nibble on it when I felt like it. So I put it in a cupboard that he rarely looks in and over a week or so just popped a little square in my mouth when I felt like it.

DH went for drinks with same mutual friend a couple of evenings ago and for some unknown reason mutual friend told him about my secret chocolate stash. DH came home and went through the cupboards looking for it, found what was left and ate it all. Now I have no chocolate. WIBU to LTB?

OP posts:

AngeloMysterioso · 09/02/2018 11:50

In future, hide it in an empty tampon box. He’ll never look in there!

elisenbrunnen · 09/02/2018 11:53

Have you asked him what went through his head when he was scouring the house looking for your stash?

Was it - 'I need to eat chocolate, now!'

Or 'She has some chocolate and I don't so I will take hers'?

Or 'She doesn;t deserve to have treats, but I do - so I'll take hers'?

Or 'I don't care whose the chocolate is, I am the man of the house and therefore it's mine and I will have it all now'. So fuck what you want. And fuck what daughter wants, too. '

In any of these (and I can't think of a reasoning in which he isn't thinking 'fuck you all') he is a nasty, controlling and selfish man. I couldn't be in a relationship in which I was so disrespected and controlled.

Just chocolate?

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/02/2018 12:01

I'm glad he has made it up to you op. The reason people react so strongly here is because they've seen this sort of behaviour so many times, and with retrospect know where it can end up....

Weezol · 09/02/2018 12:29

MrsMcG has it right. Re-read her post and note the key word. Respect.
Mutual respect between an adult and a child.

JingsMahBucket · 09/02/2018 12:39

@ScotInExile did you tell your mutual friend what eventually happened to his gifted chocolate? If so, what was his reaction or response?

NordicNobody · 09/02/2018 12:54

God my oh is awful for this. If there is a sweet item in the house, he'll eat it. If there aren't any biscuits then he'll eat Nutella out the pot with a spoon. Last year my friend bought us a nice box of fancy chocolates to congratulate us on the having our son/ moving house. My OH was away for the weekend at the time so I only ate a few to save enough for us to share when he returned. When he got back I went to town for a few hours to do jobs, came back and said "oh I forgot, x bought us some chocolates, do you want to share them?" He looked really awkward and said "I found them and had a few... I did save you a bit..." Handed me the box and there was half of one chocolate left. He'd eaten every single one and then biten the final one in half. I was actually furious because it was just so selfish and greedy. I'm not a big chocolate fan but the chocolates were bought by my friend who he's never even met (old colleague) and I deliberately didn't eat many to share with him. But he couldn't even control himself enough to leave me a single piece. He's generally a kind thoughtful man but this was just so selfish that I was speechless. To this day I can't figure out that mindset. It pisses me off because we can't afford to buy cake every single day, but some times it's nice to have a piece in the evening. But because he'll eat every scrap of anything I bring home within an hour, my choice is to only have a bit of something sweet every now and then, or buy a whole cake every single day. The worst bit is that he's (obviously) putting in weight, but won't take responsibility for his eating. He insisted I start buying skimmed milk for his coffee as that's apparently why he can't lose weight. When I laughed out loud and said "really? The splash of milk in your coffee is the problem? Not the fact that you eat an entire packet of biscuits every day?" I get the sad face and told that he can't help it. I love him dearly but it really winds me up.

JingsMahBucket · 09/02/2018 13:08

Wow. What is it with men/partners and chocolate? This seems like a serious addiction.

My OH is a chocolate monster as well. There were times he started eating my special chocolate and I had to tell him to slow down because it was expensive and it's the only chocolate I can really properly. He apologised a lot and then would get a bar at the corner store every day until his cravings subsided.

But, wow, this is a real thing: the amount of people who are addicted to sugar, chocolate and sweets to the point where they hurt their loved ones. Holy crap.

RedDogsBeg · 09/02/2018 13:39

OP you say I grew up with older brothers who regularly pinched my stuff which was upsetting as a child well your parents should have stopped that as you should with your own daughter she should not have hide stuff from her father nor should he have to be told not to take it.

You don't take something that doesn't belong to you whether it is chocolate, sweets or anything else and it doesn't matter who the person is you are taking it from members of family or not. People wonder where the mindset came from when work colleagues steal someone else's lunch or food from the fridge - guess what people who are humoured or not chastised when they take other family members stuff.

Everyone in our house shares not one of them would dream of helping themselves to something that wasn't theirs, because no-one here would be that selfish, spiteful or greedy.

It matters not a jot that your husband has bought wine and chocolate for you to make up for it he shouldn't have done it in the first place and he should have the common decency and respect to leave other people's thing alone.

UnsuspectedItem · 09/02/2018 16:35

OP, reread your post as if were your DD writing it in the future.
Do you think its fair?
SHE is currently being conditioned to accept this behaviour in the same way that you were by your brothers.
It isn't normal. It isn't respectful.

When everyone says the same thing (you're husband is unreasonable) then chances are, he probably is!

MissSeventies · 10/02/2018 17:44

OK I am not sure if he was trying to be funny doing this, but TBH it just seems kind of mean to me. Don't be such a greedy pig. To me though it says more than just his appetite for chocolate that he would go and spoil a small treat you had kept for yourself.

Toysintheattic29 · 10/02/2018 17:49

Ah well that’s blokes for you my dear

NotReadyToMove · 10/02/2018 18:05

Yes Toy, blokes, poor souls that just want to have a bit of fun but need to be TOLD not to steal their own dcs sweets and chocolate.

You say yourself that you found your dbros stealing your chocolate as a child every upsetting but somehow your DH doing that is ‘just a bit of fun’....
In my eyes, if my own dcs hadn’t learnt by the theme they got to adulthood that stealing stuff like this from people is not acceptable, I would have thought I had badly fail at my parenting tbh.
And I wouod also think I had failed if my dd had grown up thinking it’s ok for a man to behave in that way ‘because it’s just a bit of fun’ even when it happens to have really upsetted her.

Leftfilange · 10/02/2018 18:08

This isn’t about chocolate, it’s about lack of respect.

For those saying he doesn’t do this at work, well some people do! I have ‘emergency’ chocolate in my drawer (just a small bar for PMT moments etc) and some fucker has taken it twice now. They must not like 85% though, as they leave my G&B dark chocolate alone...

Leftfilange · 10/02/2018 18:10

Thing is, I would give it to them if they asked!

kaytee87 · 10/02/2018 18:16

Have you posted about your dh before op?

I can't believe he searched your cupboards to find something of yours that he knew you didn't want him to have

Blueemeraldagain · 10/02/2018 18:25

If I found out my partner was having to hide something in the house from me so I wouldn’t take it all my reaction would a deep burning shame. I would be so embarrassed and doubly so that a friend knew what my partner was having to do.

lurkingnotlurking · 10/02/2018 18:33

Who makes his dinner? I'd be tempted to serve up a large bar of chocolate for every dinner until he was sick to death of it.

expatinscotland · 10/02/2018 18:55

You've been conditioned well by your selfish and greedy brothers to put up with shit like this and minimise it.

GabsAlot · 10/02/2018 19:02

nah sorry noone eats my stash

Strongmummy · 10/02/2018 19:23

I hate light hearted posts

Motoko · 10/02/2018 20:04

It’s lighthearted as it’s only a bit of chocolate and I’m only slightly irritated as it’s not difficult to get more if I want some, which I rarely do.

It's not "only a bit of chocolate", but you've been conditioned by your brothers to accept this behaviour. It's about respect and manners, and it applies to anything that is yours.

You've said you don't buy it yourself very often, because your H would eat it, so you're depriving yourself because of him.

You said you didn't like it when your brothers did it to you, yet you make a joke of it to your DD, minimising it. I feel really sorry for her.

You need to put a stop to this, for your DD sake, if you're not bothered about yourself.

To people saying they thought there was another thread like this, I remember one, but it was a different OP. In that one, the OP had bought her son some chocolates that look like tools, and her H had found them and eaten them, then put the packaging back where OP had hidden them. She also had to hide chocolate.

ginch · 10/02/2018 21:54

I remember a long thread a while ago where posters were competing to find the best hiding places for their chocolate, it was lighthearted and funny.

This thread is weird, if the OP says it's not a big deal in her marriage then it isn't. Unless some of you are insisting that she's wrong of course.

UnsuspectedItem · 11/02/2018 09:49

ginch Hiding your chocolate from an opportunist nibble is entirely different from a spouse ransacking the place for someone else's treat when he could have easily bought his own.

It's entirely possible the OP is wrong, its easier to recognise bad behaviour when you're distanced from it.

elisenbrunnen · 11/02/2018 11:05

You say yourself that you found your dbros stealing your chocolate as a child every upsetting but somehow your DH doing that is ‘just a bit of fun’.... - and how do you think your daughter feels ? Don't you think she finds it 'upsetting' that her father steal from her?

And toys - it's not even worth the keystrokes to educate you.

ginch · 11/02/2018 11:09

Well if he came home when the pubs closed, perhaps he couldn't easily buy some. Anyway, it sounds semi serious to me, a bit of a long standing game, but I'm sure the OP is giving due consideration as to whether she actually should LTB.

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