The way my husband has reacted

[expertonnothing]

My DD is due to start school next year (a long way away I know) and my DH and I are starting to consider where to send her to school. I am catholic (half practising) and he is staunchly atheist.

There are two schools in the area one is non denominational and the other is catholic. The catholic one far outshines the non dom in terms of HMIE reports (we're in Scotland) and we pretty much have childcare in place for the catholic school. For various reasons the non dom school would be more of a headache to sort out childcare for as we'd need to find a new childminder to do pick ups.

Anyway, I said to my husband today that I felt the catholic school would be the easiest option in terms of sorting childcare unless adequate childcare could be found for non denominational school.

He lost the plot that I am clearly brainwashed and he doesn't want any child of his anywhere near a faith school and now he's not speaking to me

I have gone over the conversation in my head and I've been balanced on both schools and said I'd be happy with either as long as child care is sorted.

I'm bloody angry that he's sulking like a teenager when all I've done is have a discussion.

I'm the one who does all the research about child minders, nurseries and schools as when I ask him it doesn't get done. All the childcare we've used in the past, I've made sure to organise a visit and make sure we're both happy so it riles me that he's being such an arse.

Aibu to tell him to fuck off and sort the schooling and childcare out by himself?

If my DH wanted to send out kids to a catholic school I would have been mightily unimpressed. You can't compromise on this except by going non-dom. That is the compromise. You clearly want the catholic school and that is the real issue here - kids have bought out your latent catholic upbringing & he is understandably aghast.

My friend is teacher training (change of career, in her 40’s). She is Scitt training and spending a few weeks in different schools. She has been working in the “outstanding” oversubscribed catholic primary where she wanted to send her ds but he was just out of catchment. At the time she was gutted he wouldn’t get in and went to the non dom rated ofsted good instead.

She told me the catholic school is not a joyous place, teaching staff are constantly asking what god would think about their bad behaviour. Parents almost all have private tutors and teaching staff are not inspiring. She also spent time in a school in a deprived area and the teaching staff are engaged, the majority of the children are inspired and getting better grades than expected and the school is a fantastic point of community support.

I’m not saying all faith schools are like this or all non dom schools are like the example above. But you do need to do your research carefully before making a decision. The school will look great and shiny from the outside and I think you’d do well to have a poke within.

DH went to a Catholic school and wouldn't send our kids to one, not for a million pounds.

I don't know if this was just his school, but he said his education on anything relating to other cultures was non existent, and many of the teachers held very old fashioned views towards perfectly normal things.

He's a big strong blokey type, and he literally shudders at the thought of his school or church. This wasn't all that long ago either, he and his brothers range in age between 35 and 27.

depending on where you live the catholic school could be around 50% non-catholic - lots of folk making assumptions based on their local areas!

one of my friends was in a similar situation to you where her H was absolutely insistent that the kids wouldn't go to a catholic school, but she was happy for non-dom on the basis that the kids weren't really being raised in any faith. except now they're at the local non-dom it turns out to have the local minister in on a weekly basis and the kids trailed to church on a regular basis.

worth bearing in mind as well that the strangest things can pop up, and what bothers her most is it turns out the school is very "into" the royal family and the kids do things like write to Prince Harry to congratulate him on his engagement...

YANBU. Regardless the subject of conversation, whether it is what;s for dinner tonight or choice of school, sulking like a teenager is not helpful.

Since you both work, there is no reason you should research alone. Could DH research childcare and logistics around the schools he favours?

I can't imagine that a Catholic school these days would be 'indoctrinating' pupils or not teaching about contraception (And I say this as someone who went to a secular state secondary where the RE teacher told us homosexuals deserved our pity!)

I find self-righteous atheists every bit as annoying as religious fundamentalists. Your dh needa at the very least to see the school, look at its policies etc before dismissing it out of hand. I expect a sizeable proportion of dc at the school will be of no or other faiths.

I'm a Christian married to an atheist who mans stalls at our church events (he loves the community - which tbf is easy to love) and the only way we manage is respect on both sides. Doesn't sound as if your dh has much of that if he's getting aerated about something where getting his way is principally going to impact you. I am actually sympathetic to his position on faith schools in principle, but believe demonising individual schools is not the way to go.

I would never send my child to a faith school but each to their own.

My kids went to a catholic school....so did a number of Muslim kids...they didn't join in with the religious aspect ,and it didn't cause a problem,they read in the library instead...it was mass once a week ..hardly indoctrination...op take the school that makes life easier for your dd x

@BlondeB83 If there were only CofE within 20 minutes of your home, would you go further afield, move?

I tell you what thou...the catholic school was shit hot on bullying,absolutely wasn't tolerated.my dd went to catholic primary and secondary..wasn't bullied once..my friends kids at the local school not so..op go and have a visit ..you can't pick any school without a visit

Faith school indoctrination of children is what they do, it’s there whole being. From the faiths stance it’s been clever

But if you don’t want your child to receive the indoctrination then you’re hardly going to want to send your child to that school.

What I can’t understand is why op is surprised

My DC go to catholic and their Christmas play was about a Christmas spider with a surprise appearance from baby Jesus for 39 secs at the end.

Swings and roundabouts. Some are joyless, some are pastoral, some are shit. Mine have got a good one although I would like to see more stress on the academic work than the sports or learning through iPad apps.

Dh and I are both atheists but send our eldest to C of E school. It didn’t bother us in the slightest that it was religious... in fact it was a bonus because it’s good to get a balanced prospective on things since he certainly won’t learn anything about religion from us! Then he can make up his own mind when he’s older if he wishes to join a faith. It was more important that it was a good school. After all, isn’t that the priority of attending school... to get a good education?

Has he been to see the Catholic school? Not all faith schools are hell-bent (ha!) on ‘indoctrination’. I’m an atheist, and have seriously considered sending my son I our local CofE school because of its ethos. I talked about it with a friend who is similarly atheist, but grew up in a religious family, and she made the point that not all are highly religious, and many have a large non-denominational intake.

I’d ask him to at least visit it before he goes off on an ill-informed rant.

I’d give him two weeks to have printed and read ofsted reports, show the potential childminders he has found , reviewed and checked availability and organised a visit with the preferred 2, do a logistics schedule. And in two weeks I apply to the catholic school which is easier for me. (Our local catholic school is frequently recommended as fabulous for all denominations)

It depends on the individual school. I went to a Catholic school and was taught by nuns - most of whom were great. We did get taught about contraception and other religions. We also managed to emerge from the school as reasonably well-rounded and tolerant individuals. I spent a few years in my youth volunteering for an LGBT charity lobbying for HIV and AIDS research with the blessing and support of the school (and this was back in the days prior to the repeal of Section 28!).

In terms of your DH, I would be presenting him with two simple options. He needs to do the leg-work to come up with credible childcare arrangements for the other school. If he hasn't done this by X date then you will be registering her for the Catholic school.

It's fine to have principles. What's not fine is sitting in your high horse issuing decrees as to what will and will not happen, whilst expecting someone else to do all of the grunt work to actually make it work...

You are both a bit BU. Choosing a school is an important decision, you should have both discussed it in advance and visited both schools. You should have made a decision together, taking into account all factors relevant to both of you whether it be his dislike of religion or your unfair burden of having to sort out childcare.

The thing is you have done your homework, thought about all the consequences of each options etc... Fiund a school that ‘fits’ the requirements. As it happens it’s the catholic school but not because of the religious side, only because the before an after school side of things.
On the top of it, your DH seeems to be happy to seen at your religion.
And to just shit down conversation/discussion by getting angry and then refusing to talk.
All the while, he is actually not lifting a finger to find out more about the other school (not as good as a school) nor about the childcare.

I have to say, I would have got really upset at his behaviour.

Boo I think, the OP. HAS tried to involved her DH and discussed all that in advance. Except that he doesn’t want to get involved at all. But is expecting to have the last word as to where the dd is going.

I went to a catholic school for a while. Then I went to a secondary school that was nominally CofE but religion wasn't an issue save for the fact that we had Christmas plays etc.

I didn't notice any difference. There was no catholic agenda at the catholic school, even though it had a convent attached - the nuns didn't do any teaching and didn't preach at us. I think people assume that all faith schools are there to indoctrinate, when the reality is that they are all different - you'd need to look at reviews etc perhaps? That might reassure your DH too.

I come from an atheist family but don't regard myself as an atheist (no label really fits for me) and honestly I do feel that many atheists have a sense of arrogance about their beliefs. I would say just as much as religious ppl. It's hypocritical as that is one of the major things they claim to dislike about religion. Many routinely make fun of, disrespect and look down on ppl with religious beliefs. Your husband sounds like he shares this attitude (not that he'd admit it) You've developed a strong point of view based on research not your beliefs and he's trying to make out otherwise. I'd call him out on this double standard. Things may escalate but do you really want to stay with someone who disrespects a major part of your identity?

What I can’t understand is why op is surprised
Maybe because her DH has never expressed any issue around the idea of their dd going to a Catholic school, never had any issue with her being Catholic (which would assume he would respect her religion too).
Because her choice isn’t about the fact the school is Catholic, it could have been Methodist or whatever or a state school. Here choice is based in what is best for the dd (good school) and better for them (childcare organised and ok).
I would have expected anyone who has such a strong position against faith schools to have said somto their partner way BEFORE the time to choose a school has come tbh.

Reading this thread I feel like I am back in the 50's when parents stopped speaking to their adult child because they married a catholic or a protestant. I can't believe people are saying that interfaith marriage is a problem. Its not the same as marrying someone who is from a completely different faith and culture.

I am catholic and by DH is a protestant although more atheist I'd say. It has never, ever been an issue. I've had more disagreements deciding what we want to watch on telly.

many atheists have a sense of arrogance about their beliefs

It's not possible - the definition of atheist is a lack of belief. What we might be is arrogant about our intellect.

Clearly your dh is best by ott in his reaction.
However I do thing it should have been a pros and cons of the two catchment schools conversation.
Not you proposing your preference.

It’s great you have a cm for one option but maybe after school club will be better as your child gets older? Our after school is an outside company (Oscars) and I’ve heard only great things about them.

Also you’re a bit early - in my area open days for entry Aug 19 are first week in November 2018. I put my ds on the waiting list for after school club that day and was still first!

Catholic schools have bigger catchments, friends will be wider spread. Then will you choose the catholic secondary - bigger catchment again more travel to see friends. Then will your child do first communion and confirmation and go to church?
There are so many factors in the decision that basing it entirely on where your existing cm picks up from seems a bit off.