The way my husband has reacted

[expertonnothing]

My DD is due to start school next year (a long way away I know) and my DH and I are starting to consider where to send her to school. I am catholic (half practising) and he is staunchly atheist.

There are two schools in the area one is non denominational and the other is catholic. The catholic one far outshines the non dom in terms of HMIE reports (we're in Scotland) and we pretty much have childcare in place for the catholic school. For various reasons the non dom school would be more of a headache to sort out childcare for as we'd need to find a new childminder to do pick ups.

Anyway, I said to my husband today that I felt the catholic school would be the easiest option in terms of sorting childcare unless adequate childcare could be found for non denominational school.

He lost the plot that I am clearly brainwashed and he doesn't want any child of his anywhere near a faith school and now he's not speaking to me

I have gone over the conversation in my head and I've been balanced on both schools and said I'd be happy with either as long as child care is sorted.

I'm bloody angry that he's sulking like a teenager when all I've done is have a discussion.

I'm the one who does all the research about child minders, nurseries and schools as when I ask him it doesn't get done. All the childcare we've used in the past, I've made sure to organise a visit and make sure we're both happy so it riles me that he's being such an arse.

Aibu to tell him to fuck off and sort the schooling and childcare out by himself?

[LizzieSiddal]

I’d tell him he’s got x number of weeks to sort childcare for the non Dom school. If he hasn’t done it by then you’re applying for the catholic school.

Also tell him it’s got nothing to do with being “brainwashed” and everything to do with wanting an easier life as YOU won’t be the one having to organise everything (as usual)

[LEMtheoriginal]

I'm a lapsed Catholic and Dp athiest. We sent dd to a Catholic school - she sings in the choir and is quite vociferous in defending her beliefs - although doesn't go to church out of school. I feel she gains a lot from it and Dp has no choice but to agree because I'm right

[Notasunnybunny]

Haha and yes we learnt all about condoms. My year group also produced a disproportionate number LGBT adults.

[expertonnothing]

If it makes any difference, I've phoned the non dom school to enquire about their afterschool clubs and it's an outside company that runs it. When I contacted them they weren't very forthcoming with whether or not DD would get a place. I have researched the options and presented them to DH. Obviously I've given him my opinion! However, I work FT and I don't have loads of time to sort this out

[LEMtheoriginal]

However - please don't be one of those parents who sends their child to a faith school and then complain about the fact that the faith is taught at the school and prayers are said etc. You would not believe how much eye ache I got from rolling my eyes at the middle class mum's at DD'S school who whinged about this. Thank God dd gets the bus now

[3weecherubs]

I think you need to think about the future. What are the high schools like that she would attend? How close are they to you house? Also how close are the primary schools to your house. She won't go to the childminder forever.

[TwentySmackeroos]

I am not in the UK, but Ireland, where we have plenty of schools that operate under a Catholic ethos. The days of indoctrination, in secondary education, are by and large in the past: curricula must be adhered to (unfortunately at primary level, too much time is given to 'preparation for the sacraments' at age 8 and 12).

I'd be taking the view of the school standards, results, ofsted, convenience, peer group, extra-curriculars, location, etc, and personally would overlook the statues and the odd prayer, or at least give them a pretty low weighting in my decision.

[Dragongirl10]

YANBU despite my parents being pretty uninvolved in any religion, l went to a lovely faith primary and it was one of the happiest times of my school life, loved the assemblies, prayers and nativities.

I still don't go to church and have sent my Dcs to a faith primary, (different, DH's religion although he is not practicing) again it was a lovely school with a very kind and caring ethos also very inclusive.

My Dcs gained a good understanding of all religions and are very tolerant of all faiths or no faith.

Please choose the best school for your child and your circumstances.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

But you present it on him like you’ve made the decision

As she has done all the research, she's best placed to make that decision. She's not his PA, is she?

[SuperBeagle]

There's no chance I'd send my child to a Catholic school if there was any alternative. I spent 10 years in Catholic schools (not that long ago, either), and they were awful. Their academic results can be positive, but that doesn't reflect the whole school experience.

[ParkheadParadise]

I live in Scotland and I attended a Catholic school. I don't remember anyone in my class that wasn't Catholic.
Why do parents choose to send their child to a faith school if they don't practice that religion?
In my local council now only children who have been baptized can attend the Catholic school.

[windchimesabotage]

YANBU if he had strong feelings about this he ought to have done something about it rather than just shout at you. If he wants your child to attend the other school he should actually plan for that to happen. He is clearly just expecting to state what he wants and have you sort it for him. So I think YANBU at all seeing as it was left up to you.

[MyBoysAndI]

Is the school system different in Scotland. You said she's 4 next month. In England she'd be going to school September so you would have missed the deadline

[Alwayslumpyporridge]

He is staunchly atheist and you did expected him to go along with a catholic school because it makes drop off/pick up easier 🤔

[expatinscotland]

' My issue is that he'll have a hissy fit about the catholic school where the after school care is sorted but he won't bother his arse to sort out after school care for the non dom school. It'll be left to me to run about like a blue arsed fly to get everything in place'

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. TELL him, if he doesn't want her to go to the Catholic school, then he sorts all the childcare. And then walk the walk.

[PrimalLass]

Yes the school system is different in Scotland. I'm sure the OP knows when she has to register for school.

[expatinscotland]

'He is staunchly atheist and you did expected him to go along with a catholic school because it makes drop off/pick up easier 🤔'

Why not? He expects her to follow his wishes with him doing none of the childcare sorting.

[MrsJBaptiste]

Please don't be one of those parents who sends their child to a faith school and then complain about the fact that the faith is taught at the school and prayers are said etc.

Yes, this is so annoying! My two went to the local primary school (happened to be a faith school) and there were a number of parents who thought it was too "churchy" and why was there a cross in the school hall? The children also had assembly every week in the church next to the school and some parents really didn't like this! FFS...

[Dieu]

I'm in Scotland too OP, and I honestly wouldn't make the assumption that you can just choose the Catholic school. If oversubscribed, I'm pretty sure preference will be given to those of faith (or whatever the word is ).

[Worldsworstcook]

DS attends the local catholic secondary near us. We are not religious or catholic and he doesn't attend the RE classes but goes to the library and does his homework or uses the school computers.

I'd ask the school whether it's an option to allow him to skip the religious classes. Our school is under subscribed too, only about 180 in the school, and they were only too happy to accommodate us. That said the RE teacher said if they allowed every kid who doesn't believe in god to skip RE she would be looking at a class of empty desks.

DS has ASD and other problems and cannot fathom the idea of Gid.

[tolerable]

with all due respect (and in my book-you get to judge that for yourself). Scotland. non denominational(it is SO)and Catholic schooling are worlds apart. sod all bout religion to do with it. whatever jiggery pokery them cath-a-holics gerrup to it far surpasses anything the non dom has.every time....from my own personal non sectarrian viewpoint..wanky husbands aint my scene

[whatareyoueatingNOW]

Yanbu. ALL state schools are Christian. Presuming your favouring Catholic or state (which based on the op is true I presume) then pick the most convenient.

It's very very very easy to teach atheism. We just talk about questioning, logic and history. That's enough. My children are atheist.
Despite their faith orientated school. If he cares then he can A: refuse the faith school and accept 100% responsibility for the wraparound care or B: accept the best choice and teach them critical thinking 🤔

[Stompythedinosaur]

It comes across a bit like you presented a done deal rather than having a proper conversation about which school you both wanted.

Not wanting to use a faith school is a perfectly legitimate point of view.

[Butterandsugar]

I attended a Catholic primary and secondary in Scotland. We were taught all about contraceptives, different family units (rather than just a hetero mum, dad and kids) as well as other religions etc. I can think of at least 2 people from my own year who attended school with me but weren't Catholic.

If your DH is so against sending your child to a faith school I'm sure he can muster up the energy to make alternative arrangements all by himself

[itshappening]

Could you not just say to DH that you are happy for dd to go to the nondenominational school if he can find an satisfactory childcare arrangement for it?