The way my husband has reacted

[expertonnothing]

My DD is due to start school next year (a long way away I know) and my DH and I are starting to consider where to send her to school. I am catholic (half practising) and he is staunchly atheist.

There are two schools in the area one is non denominational and the other is catholic. The catholic one far outshines the non dom in terms of HMIE reports (we're in Scotland) and we pretty much have childcare in place for the catholic school. For various reasons the non dom school would be more of a headache to sort out childcare for as we'd need to find a new childminder to do pick ups.

Anyway, I said to my husband today that I felt the catholic school would be the easiest option in terms of sorting childcare unless adequate childcare could be found for non denominational school.

He lost the plot that I am clearly brainwashed and he doesn't want any child of his anywhere near a faith school and now he's not speaking to me

I have gone over the conversation in my head and I've been balanced on both schools and said I'd be happy with either as long as child care is sorted.

I'm bloody angry that he's sulking like a teenager when all I've done is have a discussion.

I'm the one who does all the research about child minders, nurseries and schools as when I ask him it doesn't get done. All the childcare we've used in the past, I've made sure to organise a visit and make sure we're both happy so it riles me that he's being such an arse.

Aibu to tell him to fuck off and sort the schooling and childcare out by himself?

[AmberCP]

this is a big problem with mixed faith marriages. My partner also hates religion and everything it stands for with a passion and I’m Anglican. We don’t agree on many things but I allow him to vent then ask him as much as I can about his thoughts and feelings without mentioning mine yet, then offer up a few solutions and ask him to offer some up too. And we work through it that way. I dont think faith schools are bad as they do teach a generally kind moral code but they do have their shortfalls too (usually on diversity and personal freedoms). Also you may consider the non denomination school to be not as good but that doesn’t mean your child won’t thrive there.

We had a fancy “outstanding” ofstead grammar school in our area growing up and a standard non denomination sport college (I hated sport)

I ended up attending both at different points and absolutely detested the posh outstanding grammar school and Loved the other.

I’d give the other school option more thought and maybe try to go see both as a team and choose together.

[IamSerena]

I was in a similar situation in Scotland and chose the non denominational option. Except it wasn't non denominational. Its absolutely definitely the protestant option. They like to wax lyrical about how your kids will study all religions which they will however it has an extremely protestant leaning (which is fine if you're protestant however if you're looking for non denominational it's clearly not). We had the local minister taking assembly every month, church visits for Easter, Christmas, Harvest etc. No visits to mosques, Catholic churches or synagogues.
At least with Catholic schools you get honesty about what to expect.

[donquixotedelamancha]

ALL state schools are Christian.

Nope. All state schools are required to perform a daily act of worship. Many don't follow this rule and are essentially secular. A number of state schools are very Muslim in character.

[whatareyoueatingNOW]

Donquix- I wish that were true. Are you speaking from Scotland? Because ime it's not the case in Scotland. Uk wide- perhaps. But in Scotland? Where?

[JassyRadlett]

Yes, this is so annoying! My two went to the local primary school (happened to be a faith school) and there were a number of parents who thought it was too "churchy" and why was there a cross in the school hall? The children also had assembly every week in the church next to the school and some parents really didn't like this! FFS...

Yes, how very dare people want to send children to their local state school without them being indoctrinated. Losers.

[lalalalyra]

Have you any experience of the school itself? How Catholic is it? (That might sound daft to some, but some are stauncher than others - especially if they have a large pool of non catholic children).

Could you find out how many of the children don't partake in catholic lessons in the school? In the school my cousins kids go to there are as many kids in the "some people believe" RE lessons as in the other classes, it just happens the catholic school is easily walkable to the new build estate. Would that be a compromise if you genuinely don't mind a non-catholic education?

[lalalalyra]

Is the school system different in Scotland. You said she's 4 next month. In England she'd be going to school September so you would have missed the deadline

Totally different. There's no deadlines. Your child is guaranteed a place in your catchment schools* (1 non dom & 1 catholic).
Kids are enrolled in March for starting in August. The only time you need to apply is if you want to make a placing request to a non-catchment school.

(* there are a few areas with lacks of places that are a bit more problematic, but in general you go to your catchment school)

[Charolais]

I went to school in the 50’s and 60’s and wasn’t taught about contraception in school - or at home for that matter. I don’t remember anyone in my school getting pregnant or even having babies ‘out of wedlock’ even as adults. I did know a few couples who have babies born less than 9 months after they were married and they all stayed happily married.

I wonder what changed.

[Greensleeves]

The thing is, those parents complaining about the "churchiness" of the school probably didn't have much choice but to send their kids to a faith school - that's their local state-funded primary school. This is why state-funded faith schools should be abolished. To an atheist (and we are many) the cross is a symbol of violent death that looks very out of place in a primary school hall.

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Has he visited both schools? He isn’t entitled to hold a respected opinion until he has and can weigh up the pros of cons of each - which will be broader then a small religious element.

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Personally I’d give him a choice.

1. he chooses the non religious school as long as before the county school options deadline has arranged childcare off his own back.
   
   
2. he fails to meet the deadline for arranging childcare and therefore choosing the school he wants. As a result you get to choose both school and childcare

[hungryhenryshouldeatelsewhere]

I wouldn't want my kids going to a Faith school either. I also like where you said you're half practicing. Gotta love these religious folks who pick and choose which parts they want to follow.

[positivepixie]

I felt strongly about my DCs not going to our local Catholic school but my Catholic husband (lapsed really) was keen for our DCs to go to a Catholic school. We took our time and agreed that we should both keep an open mind and visit the LA primary and the Catholic one.

During the visits it was obvious to me that they should go to the Catholic school. Just a gut feeling about how the schools were run, atmosphere, activities.

OP - you absolutely must keep an open mind, do the visits and then age a grown up conversation together otherwise this could be a thorn in your sides for years. Sounds like the childcare issue could be sorted with the wrap around care provided at the school - just because they haven't got back to you doesn't mean that it's not an option.

Take some deep breaths, stand back and plan your joint decision making process.

[HeavyMetalMummy]

OP said she had no issue with sending dd to a non dom, but from a practical point of view the faith school is by far the easier option childcare wise. I think op was rational and logical in her presentation of the facts. Her dp however was neither in his response to said facts. If he is so opposed to the faith school then he needs to help (as others have said) to source alternative childcare to accommodate his preference. What would the response be to op's AIBU had it been a choice between 2 non dom schools?

[BanyanTree]

I went to a Catholic school and was taught by nuns and priests. Guess what...I don't want to stone homosexuals and I use contraception. Believe it or not but most Catholics are not religious extremists.

I know lots of people who send their DC to the local Catholic school because it is very good. I do not think YABU. You are just trying to send your DC to a good school. Your DH sounds like one of the many people I notice today who get on bandwagons and have very strong opinions about something but haven't actually done their research or followed through their thought process to what it's conclusion would be.

[stoneagefertilitydoll]

I didn't want my children to go to a faith school either, but the CofE was just round the corner, had excellent ratings, and DS obviously was allocated a place there, so that was where he was going to move, and informed myself of their policies so I would be able to counter anything I felt needed countering.

Now as it turns out, we moved house, and he went to a non-faith local school (which wasn't rated as highly, but was smaller and worked much better for him) - although it was still tied to the local church, so he still came home saying things about Christs blood that we had to have some careful conversations about!

Do do the visits, but make sure he comes, so he can make an informed decision. You may have presented it as though you'd already made the decision, but that's an unfair representation, it's just that you'd already thought it all through and he didn't come prepared. Let him prepare, then have the discussion again.

[PurplePirate]

I went to school in the 50’s and 60’s and wasn’t taught about contraception in school - or at home for that matter. I don’t remember anyone in my school getting pregnant or even having babies ‘out of wedlock’ even as adults. I did know a few couples who have babies born less than 9 months after they were married and they all stayed happily married.

I wonder what changed.

People no longer have shotgun weddings.
Teenagers are no longer packed off in secret to mother and baby homes and then forced to give up their babies.
Women are more able to leave unsatisfactory marriages.

Your post is really naive. As is your assumption that your narrow personal experience/perception is all the proof you need.

[Dreamguru]

Deciding which school can be a contentious issue. Sounds like you have had time to process, probably not on radar of DH. Might be worth the three of you going to visit the schools and meet the head so you get a shared view to help decision making.

[LittleCandle]

I sent DD2 to a Catholic school for her last 2 years of primary after the local nom-dom school proved to be even more utterly useless than they first appeared. (I'm also in Scotland). She got a fantastic education there and if the school has places, that is even better, as the kids get more attention from the teacher. They tend not to tolerate bad behaviour and nip it in the bud early on. I am also a believer, although not Catholic, and XH wasn't. I didn't offer him a say in her education, as he simply wasn't interested anyway. I think he only attended one parents night (and we have 2 DC).

If he isn't going to sort out the arrangements for childcare, then you send your DC to whichever school suits you. Yes, she will learn about the Catholic church and do morning prayers and such, but it doesn't mean that she will end up believing. And that is beside the point anyway. What you want is a school that will give her the best start in her educational life - tell your DH to grow the fuck up!

[DarthNigel]

I think on balance he is being unreasonable. We had the opposite in that my then h was catholic and he would ideally have wanted her to go the the faith school. However our lovely child diner couldn't pick up from there and we didn't want to lose her so the DD's went to the non dom school we were also in the catchment for. Good childminders are hard to find and I'd be more worried about that than the faith element of a school tbh...

[CheeseyToast]

I just can't believe you didn't discuss this before you had children, it's a fundamental point of difference.

[raindropsandsunshine]

It's so different depending on area, it seems. Rurally where I am, you'd be hard pushed to find a primary that isn't CEVC. There is one catholic primary which leads to a town catholic high. These are very sought after, hugely over-subscribed and many non-catholic parents try to enrol their children.

[Ilikecheesycrackers]

Am in Scotland, not Catholic.

Our son went to a Catholic primary school for a time (we'd moved house and no room in the local non denominational school).

He was fine. Not indoctrinated!