The way my husband has reacted

[expertonnothing]

My DD is due to start school next year (a long way away I know) and my DH and I are starting to consider where to send her to school. I am catholic (half practising) and he is staunchly atheist.

There are two schools in the area one is non denominational and the other is catholic. The catholic one far outshines the non dom in terms of HMIE reports (we're in Scotland) and we pretty much have childcare in place for the catholic school. For various reasons the non dom school would be more of a headache to sort out childcare for as we'd need to find a new childminder to do pick ups.

Anyway, I said to my husband today that I felt the catholic school would be the easiest option in terms of sorting childcare unless adequate childcare could be found for non denominational school.

He lost the plot that I am clearly brainwashed and he doesn't want any child of his anywhere near a faith school and now he's not speaking to me

I have gone over the conversation in my head and I've been balanced on both schools and said I'd be happy with either as long as child care is sorted.

I'm bloody angry that he's sulking like a teenager when all I've done is have a discussion.

I'm the one who does all the research about child minders, nurseries and schools as when I ask him it doesn't get done. All the childcare we've used in the past, I've made sure to organise a visit and make sure we're both happy so it riles me that he's being such an arse.

Aibu to tell him to fuck off and sort the schooling and childcare out by himself?

[OuaisMaisBon]

In my own limited experience of Catholic schools, (granted in England in the Sixties and Seventies), they will bend over backwards not to discriminate against "other' religions and will teach comparative religion. Non-Catholic children are most definitely not indoctrinated. Catholic children, on the other hand..

[HebeJeeby]

Another advocate for faith schools here, dd goes to a c of e faith school and it is wonderful. You couldn’t find a more caring, compassionate and kind school - they are also shit hot on bullying too. My dd is soooo happy there and yes, they teach about God, sing songs and once a month have assembly in the church across the road. We’re Christian but don’t go to church and i’m So happy with the school.
I guess we are lucky, as with all schools faith ir otherwise some are good, bad and indifferent. Op, I think you and your dh need to visit both schools and get a feel for the place - they’ll be having open days in September I imagine, you might find after a visit the catholic school doesn’t have the right feel or is not for your dd - or vice versa. In the meantime your dh must absolutely come up with child care options for nom dim school so that it is a viable option. He doesn’t get the final say, nor do you it must be a joint decision but, he’s got to participate in the process too.

[Mrsmadevans]

YADNBU OP, unless your DH suffered abuse at the hands of nuns or clergy at his school then that is different. He / you need to discuss this calmly , he may have a perfectly reasonable reason but he needs to communicate with you. Is this his normal behaviour? If so he needs anger management. You must be afraid to broach anything with him. How on earth can you live like this?

[Dipitydoda]

I just wish we could have sent DS to a faith school. We’re cofe. Unfortunately that choice was taken away when the local secondary academy took over the local cof e school and the twatty humanist society successfully lobbied with the help of the parents of the secondary school in the better postcode to do away with Christianity in the school.

[OVienna]

Your DH may have a good reason, that is quite personal to him and goes beyond the 'atheist' argument, for refusing the Catholic school. Is there another piece to the puzzle here that hasn't been mentioned yet?

That said - on the basis of the quality of the Catholic school, the availability of the childminder, and his total non-engagement with the process I'd be minded to select the Catholic school and be done with it. But I am totally through with partners like that, throwing up objection after objection but not lifting a finger to move their choice forward. If he cared ENOUGH he'd be doing something.

You could give him a deadline, as a PP suggested, but when it passes and nothing's been done, I suspect you'll start the same conversation all over again.

This also struck me:

IamSerena Thu 08-Feb-18 23:36:05

I was in a similar situation in Scotland and chose the non denominational option. Except it wasn't non denominational. Its absolutely definitely the protestant option. They like to wax lyrical about how your kids will study all religions which they will however it has an extremely protestant leaning (which is fine if you're protestant however if you're looking for non denominational it's clearly not).

Would this be true for you too?

[HelloSunshine11]

You really need to go visit both schools before you go any further with your discussions IMO. I completely changed my mind about where I wanted my son to be after visiting, and I was so certain before that. You can't tell much about the ethos and feel of a school from a HMIE or Ofsted report.

Also, the afterschool club won't promise places until all the applications for the year are sorted. They'll have no idea at the moment what demand will be like, how many siblings will be admitted, who will want which days etc etc.

[JassyRadlett]

the twatty humanist society successfully lobbied with the help of the parents of the secondary school in the better postcode to do away with Christianity in the school.

Yes, the twatty fuckers, wanting all children to have a level playing field when it comes to school admissions and experiences within the school system. How dare they think that treating everyone the same in state services is reasonable, rather than Christians getting special treatment.

[Missingstreetlife]

Agree with labradoodle, dh and you should visit both schools and discuss concerns. Your child will be taught Christian values in a state school too. If this really is just a practical issue, then your partner should back his concern up with action.
Why is catholic school not full if it has better ratings? Not that ratings are everything, home environment and caring ethos in school more important in 'success' than results. Results for individual not same as for overall stats, many bright children do well in average school.

[NotReadyToMove]

However I do thing it should have been a pros and cons of the two catchment schools conversation.
Not you proposing your preference.
I’m a bit puzzled by that.
The OP has made all the work to check the two schools etc... the answer is obvious if you take the religious side of things aside.
So how on earth can she she just out the pros and cons??? When it would have been obvious from said pros and cons that the answer is the catholic school??

Of course, if her DH had done some work too or had participated in the work done before hand to find out all about CM and school results etc..., then there wouod have been a conversation going on.
But he didn’t. He CHOOSE not to do anything, like he did before for any childcare related stuff...
I’m not sure why the OP should then bend over backwards to ‘not hurt his feelings’ tbh.

[NotReadyToMove]

Your child will be taught Christian values in a state school too.

YY to that. All the assemblies, singing (and even praying) etc are squarely organised around the Christian faith in state schools too.

[sadie9]

Was your DP brought up a Catholic? Your DP is reacting to something to do with himself. Nothing to do with the quality of the schools.
So people who try to get 'revenge' on the faiths, make their child do the dirty work for them. While they can shite on to their poncy friends about how effing liberal we are, we are not going along with that, oh no sirree Bob.
How is your DP an 'atheist' then? Oh, right, he sits at home and watches telly. He's not on the Board of the non-denom school or anything? Nope. Thought not.
Your kid has nothing to do with your DPs atheist views. It's the quality, convenience, etc of the school that's important. I'm an atheist myself by the way.

[TatianaLarina]

I’m an atheist and have ruled out a secondary for my DD on the basis that it is catholic.

However, the kids are privately educated so there’s plenty of choice.

If I were relying on the state system and catchment areas I would be ruthless about choosing the best school in terms of academics and pastoral care regardless of its religious denomination. Practicalities such as childcare and distance would play a part too.

[OVienna]

I am also confused as to whether the OP means the next school year, as in September 2018, or the next calendar year.

I assumed, if there is this sense of urgency around childminders, it was this September. In which case - I assume you have to get on and make a decision and that would favour the Catholic school. You would in England anyway, not sure if it's different where you are in Scotland.

If it's the following year, could the childcare situation not change? Also, would your choice of school change at all if your childminder gave up minding for whatever reason? It might be an idea to explore after school options more deeply anyway. I wouldn't be counting on the CM to be available for all the years you may need her. She may be but these things can change suddenly and it's worth thinking about whether the school would be less attractive.

[Booboostwo]

Notreadytomove perhaps I miunderstood. I thought neither person had visited either school, which to me is a bit odd. I did realize that the OP was the only one dealing with childcare arrangements which is not fair.

[mogonfoxnight]

It isn't just the organising of the childcare it is also that your dc has been with the same childminder since 6 months, there is a relationship, and if that is good relationship it is invaluable so a huge factor.

I am not a practising anything, and would choose the Catholic school if it were the right school overall, whatever my own personal belief system were. It is really hard work making decisions with someone who manages conflict by refusing to engage. YANBU.

[AgentProvocateur]

There’s a lot of people on this thread discussing their experiences of catholic schools in England, which is quite different from the situation in Scotland. Bear that in mind OP.

[YouCantBeSirius]

OVienna the Scottish school year starts in August.

[CotswoldStrife]

I do think staying with the childminder would be nice for your child.

However - have you visited the schools yet? You do often get a gut feeling when you are there.

OP, you've said that you'd be happy with the non-dom school if your DH arranged the childcare but I'm not sure you would be tbh. I think the Catholic school is important to you, just as the non-dom is to your DH. I hope you can talk it through and come to an amicable agreement.

[expertonnothing]

My DD will start school in August 2019, having turned 5 in march 2019. She will be one of the oldest in the class. I think the Scottish system differs from England

[llangennith]

I’m a non-believer (atheist? agnostic?) but if a Catholic school was better than other schools I’d send my DC there and not be too concerned about ‘brainwashing’. Your DH is being ridiculous. He needs to put his child’s education and welfare before his own petty attitude.

[Skittlesandbeer]

We’re the same ‘mixed marriage’ but I’m the (mum) atheist. We have a very well regarded school 200 metres from our house. It’s catholic.

It’s a no-brainer for me. 6 years of easy drop-off & pickup, all school events are a stroll away, anything forgotten at home (costumes, sports gear, lunchbox) is easily solved, all her classmates live between 3-10 minutes drive away. NO BRAINER.

Tell your DH to think of it this way: a faith school that is very convenient leaves far more time for him to create and do activities with his DD that support HIS beliefs (presumably he has principles to pass on? A moral code that isn’t religious?).

I say that a faith primary school can help build a ‘scaffold’ of philosophy and principles for a kid, and they can build a strong atheist (or other) life on that scaffold, as they choose.

Does it annoy me when I hear that my DD has spent half the day learning about the bible Easter story instead of maths or art? Yeah, that happens. But I console myself that at least it’s based (mostly) on history & philosophy, and not really that different to any other story they’re told in library time. It’s less ‘indoctrination’ than your DH suspects. At assembly they are told not to mess up the toilets, or there will be consequences (restriction of fun activities). They don’t get told God will punish them, or anything like it. There’s just too much State-prescribed curriculum to get through!

Get your DH onto a school tour- tell him atheists are supposed to prefer evidence-based activities. When he sees it's not all ‘Satan in the tuckshop’ he may come around. Then tour the other school, and let him feel the pain of all those inconveniences. Walk him through it, don’t fall into any more theoretical debates.

[user1494409994]

Do check that your child can go to school without being baptised. My child is starting school this year and baptism certificates are being requested.

[OhCalamity]

He can't have it both ways, you doing all the wifework then moaning when you choose the option that he can't be arsed to research himself.

Tell him you did all the legwork in terms of researching both schools and that you chose the better school because it suits better, not because of religion. Then hand him the research and tell him that by [insert date] he needs to have come up with an equivalent plan and you will happily defer to his choice. Otherwise on that date you are enrolling her in the Catholic school.

If he wants a non-faith school that fucking badly, he can get off his arse and do some of the research.

[OVienna]

YouCantBeSirius - I was confused whether it was this year (sep 2018 or Sep 2019). I see it's next year ( and Aug). I wasn't thinking it was Jan although what I wrote was confusing.

[Booboostwo]

Skittlesandbeer sorry to disappoint but the teaching of Christian religion has nothing to do with philosophy or history. The way religious education is generally taught as long has little to do with how moral education should be taught.