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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this IS dishonest

116 replies

Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:26

Found out that DP has had a variety of nights out without telling me. He would stay late at work then go out afterwards, I'd presume he had been at work the entire time and he wouldn't tell me differently. Sometimes he would go out after I'd gone to bed and then have gone to work before I got up so I didn't know.

I have never ever had a problem with him going out so I don't see why he would hide it unless something dodgy was going on. He says he hasn't hidden It, he just hasn't mentioned it because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" that I don't get to go out Hmm and that he would have told me if I'd asked (!) He says he hasn't been dishonest and is totally trustworthy.

AFAIC, for all I know, he could have been out all night after I'd gone to bed rather than having got up early to go to work. But I guess I wouldn't know unless I ask him every bloody day...! AIBU or is do you agree he has been dishonest here?

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 07/02/2018 22:29

YANBU. Your DH is of course able to go out when he likes to wherever he likes but omitting the truth to "save your feelings" is nothing but dishonesty and adds a nice little bit of guilt onto you to absolve himself of blame. It's a game for mugs and pricks.

How did you find out he'd been lying?

fidgetsmumx · 07/02/2018 22:29

I completely agree.
Not that he needs permission but surely it’s simple respect to let you know his plans.
I’d be unhappy, personally.

Ummmmgogo · 07/02/2018 22:29

that's weird. normally I like to bore my partner with stories of my night out. I count do that if they were secret!

Crispbutty · 07/02/2018 22:30

“Sometimes he would go out after I'd gone to bed and then have gone to work before I got up so I didn't know. “

Did he come home in between??

How did you find out about this?

It sounds massively fishy to me. Where is he going? Who is he meeting? And why are you not able to go out?

sorry for so many questions but I would be livid if I were you

WingsofNylon · 07/02/2018 22:30

Dishonest in my book. i sometimes forget to tell DH of a plan bit i wouldnt choose not to tell him. That would be lying. But I also find it really odd that you don't wake at all when he comes in or leaves.

Mulch · 07/02/2018 22:31

I'd find it odd he feels the need to omitt the truth. If your guy is uneasy, listen to it

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:31

I feel like he's been living a double life - considering I have no problem with him going out, and to wish to go along, why keep a whole part of your life secret from the person you're supposed to share everything with?

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Mulch · 07/02/2018 22:31

Gutt*

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/02/2018 22:31

It's called lying by exclusion
It is deceitful
How dare he assume you would have felt jealous of his nights out cos you were not going out yourself.
What else is he not telling you because of some perceived attitude he believes you to have?

AmiU · 07/02/2018 22:32

Can I ask, how did you find out? Did he mention it voluntarily when it came up in conversation or was he "found out"?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 07/02/2018 22:32

He waits till you've gone to bed and then goes out??

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:32

I suspect it's because he didn't come back in, wing

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Crispbutty · 07/02/2018 22:34

Do you have no social life together?

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:36

We've also had this issue a few years ago. I made it clear early on that I hate porn and when I later discovered he had been watching it, he said he hadn't hidden it he just hadn't mentioned it because he didn't want me to feel insecure. However, he also went on to lie about the frequency of watching it and again - it was only to spare my feelings/because he was embarrassed Hmm I feel he's just deflecting blame and trying to get me to pity him.

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TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 07/02/2018 22:36

Why can't you go out?

And yeah, I'd be massively suspicious.

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:38

No, Crisp. We have a DC with SN and DP has always said he isnt fussed about going out...!

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WhooooAmI24601 · 07/02/2018 22:38

So he lies regularly and considers himself free to come and go as he pleases with half-truths? He emotionally manipulates you and makes you feel like shit? Has he always been such a splendid partner?

DropItLikeASquat · 07/02/2018 22:40

its totally dishonest. He is lying by omission.
Its shady and especially so when he has no reason not to go out with your blessing.

PurpleRobe · 07/02/2018 22:41

It is very odd behaviour for him to keep it a secret.

How about he stays home with the kids and you go out tomorrow night/ every night

TheButterflyOfTheStorms · 07/02/2018 22:44

I used to work in homelessness. And this may affect my gut. But prostitution?

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 07/02/2018 22:47

Is there any way you can find out when his next night out will be (e.g sneak a look at his phone and look at texts, emails, social media private messages, etc) then follow him or have a friend follow him (without him knowing of course) and see where he is actually going and what he is doing, so that you know whether it really is an innocent night out, or whether it is something more .

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:48

Emotional manipulation is totally what I feel it is whoooo - he said he feels bad because he can't get up in the night with our DC with SN and so doesn't want to rub it in that he can go out so just wanted to spare my feelings [insert puppy dog eyes]

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crashbangwhallop · 07/02/2018 22:49

Not one to use LTB so quickly but I couldn’t trust DP if he did this and I genuinely would leave him regardless of his intent or what happened on those nights out. He’s constantly lying by omission how are you meant to trust him or rely on him?

givemesteel · 07/02/2018 22:52

Of course it is dishonest, apart from anything else, if you think he had been working late you'd then feel sympathetic and not want to then ask him to do his fair share of chores for instance, which is completely different to going out and having fun...!

I can't think there is any other reason for him concealing it from you other than him being somewhere he doesn't want you to know about. Particularly as he already has form for lying about the porn.

I'm not sure I could trust him again after so many lies.

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:52

His phone, Facebook and everything else is totally secured. I found out because our baby had to be admitted to hospital and I couldn't get hold of him on his mobile so I called his work where he had apparently been working late, only to discover he had left hours ago. When he eventually got back to me, I could tell he was drunk and he tried to make excuses so I didn't see him and he could deny it but I insisted he come to the hospital and sure enough he stunk and could barely string a sentence together.

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