To think this IS dishonest

[Jembab]

Found out that DP has had a variety of nights out without telling me. He would stay late at work then go out afterwards, I'd presume he had been at work the entire time and he wouldn't tell me differently. Sometimes he would go out after I'd gone to bed and then have gone to work before I got up so I didn't know.

I have never ever had a problem with him going out so I don't see why he would hide it unless something dodgy was going on. He says he hasn't hidden It, he just hasn't mentioned it because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" that I don't get to go out and that he would have told me if I'd asked (!) He says he hasn't been dishonest and is totally trustworthy.

AFAIC, for all I know, he could have been out all night after I'd gone to bed rather than having got up early to go to work. But I guess I wouldn't know unless I ask him every bloody day...! AIBU or is do you agree he has been dishonest here?

He says it in a jokey "I can't bear to be apart from you" way tafftum but clearly he can, because he's repeatedly been deceitful about doing just that.

How often has he been "working late" ?

How arrogant of him to think that he knows how YOU feel, unless this has been a discussion in the past. I think he will say anything that sounds reasonable to his twattish ears.

Definitely not, Lemony - if anything I would have been glad of it. He's clingy and needy and I wouldn't be sad to have some space! Now I just think the clinginess is because of a guilty conscience.

In that case he’s acting really weirdly ... not like any grown man and father I know!

So he’s only admitting it once he’s been caught out. He’s then trying to deflect by saying he was worried about upsetting you.

Utter bollocks. He’s shagging around happily in the knowledge that you don’t go out in the same places so are highly unlikely to hear what he’s getting upto.

I’m sorry OP, but he’s not a decent bloke.

WTAF have you been tolerating this ‘you can only go out with me and not waste time going out with friends* bullshit for?

He’d be gone.

FAR too many lies and deceptions with some large doses of guilt/blame aimed at you. Wanker.

Get rid 💐

Oof I don’t often say this, but there’s a good few indicators that he’s having an affair. At the very least, he’s a feckless, lying, lazy, controlling bastard.

Oh no, I'd have a massive issue with that. When people lie, by omission or otherwise, one has to wonder what else they're being dishonest about.

It needs to be massively nipped in the bud at the very least.

You could slip a tracker in the car, if he uses it at night on his 'jaunts you can find out where he is going . . . or is that really evil? Or if he takes a bag, put one in the lining and sew it up, etcetera.

Hi all I'm going to offer a different angle. OP, Is there a chance he may have an alcohol problem or maybe he is depressed. Obvs I don't know your full situation at home but I'm curious to know why he doesn't help with your SN dc. Is he unable or unwilling?

There's a LOT wrong here.

Him not wanting you to go out.
Him lying to you about 'working late'
Him staying out all night.
Him being horribly drunk.

I'm wondering about drugs/alcohol. IF it's an OW then why would he be so drunk? Unless they're both drinking together?
But since my student days I've never known anyone to go out with really late at night, and stay out with all night. Not often. IT does sound like possible drink/drugs and/or OW.

Where is he getting the money to go out so much? How much spending money to you have by comparison? Do you have enough money for bills etc?

I don't think what he's doing on his nights out are the issue at all (and whether he looks at porn or not really is the least of your worries). The reason I think you should seriously start looking at how to get rid of him, and cope without him, is that he is effectively isolating you at home. This is abusive behaviour. You are not allowed friends or a social life, because he doesn't consider you to be a person at all - you exist to make his life easier and more comfortable.

Given that he goes out whenever he feels like it and just leaves you to deal with DC, throwing him out, or leaving, will not actually increase the burden on you: look at the finances; what you might get in the way of benefits as a single parent, etc. And, without this dicksplash insisting you never leave the house, you stand a better chance of sorting out a few friends/family members who will babysit from time to time.

Bloody hell.

YANBU at OP. By contrast, your DH is being VU & a complete shitehawk.

What's this business about him being unable to get up with your DC during the night? My BIL doesn't get up with my v severely disabled niece during the night but that's because he is out at work (& really is at work). His nights off he will share any get-ups, because he is an engaged & loving parent who doesn't think my sister being primary carer absolves him of any/all responsibility for his children. I do understand it not being ideal to have a broken night followed by a full day at work, but even if you're not working, if you're providing high-intensity care for your DC you can't afford to be doing so 24/7 because you will burn out.

This business about you not spending any time with your friends once you are able to go out but instead only socialising with him is a HUGE red flag. Bobby could have stopped the train with it in the "Railway Children" with ease. (And without the loss of her petticoat, you'd hope the train company discreetly replaced it for her... but I digress.) Anyway, that kind of controlling behaviour is totally TOTALLY unacceptable (not that he's covering himself in glory otherwise) - is he attempting/has he attempted to interfere in your friendships in any other ways?

He does seem really set on totally controlling your relationship: he will do as he pleases; he will lie [by omission]; when caught in his lies he will blame you for them; & it sounds like he's painting a VERY different picture of things to everyone else.

Serious as him fecking off out when he told you he was at work is, it seems to be one thread in a knotty tangled mess of issues that you need to look at. With, in all honesty, a view to whether or not you feel your relationship is tenable/salvageable.

Please don't let him mess with your head. I certainly don't want to sound like I'm advocating for you to simply sling him out/you to walk out on him. But his behaviour towards you goes beyond simply being disrespectful - it is manipulative, deceitful & controlling; & if PPs are right re an affair/sex with prostitutes... does he have any good qualities?

Do you have any RL support close by you can talk to about all this? And, crucially, enlist to help in practical ways if necessary?

Please be gentle with yourself

Why doesn't he help during the night with your DS?

I am completely baffled how anyone can just slip out in the middle of the night and not tell anyone. Wouldn’t they be worried their partner would notice? How could you be sure that you’d get away with it? Do you not share the same bed?

If I woke up and DP wasn’t next to me, I’d panic. Once I’m aware that he’s just in the bathroom/ downstairs, etc I’d be fine and go back to sleep - but if he wasn’t in the house at all...

I am always trying to see the otherside before thinking the worst, but honestly this is a situation where he is being VU! I’m sure there must be something (addiction or OW) but that actually isn’t even the main point at the moment - it’s this deception and double life which is seriously worrying. Lying by omission is lying - he knows he’s not being honest with you and continuing to do it anyway.

I also find it really troubling that he emotionally blackmails you so you can’t go out. He sounds utterly vile to be honest.

Please, please for your sake think about leaving him - don’t start snooping to find out whether there is another woman or what’s going on. All that will do is cause you pain and honestly it’s a bit of a red herring in the grand scheme of things. You already know he is deceitful and controlling - that’s enough to get out of there!

Tinder? Or Grindr. Who knows? But definitely something of that sort.

I would look through his phone.

Very odd behaviour op. Yanbu.

You are with a man you can't trust because he lies to you. Compulsively from the sound of it. If honesty is important to you then you're incompatible.

There's something more to this sneaking off at night business, so he sometimes does it then goes to work in the morning? That means he doesn't always get drunk then doesn't it. I don't know any grown adults who'd willingly go out until dawn sober then go to work. Where is he getting his sleep in the day when that happens?

My suspicion is another woman. Failing that, a drug problem (that would explain the boundless energy and what he's doing on the pre work nights out, you can go to work on drugs a lot easier than drink depending on the substance, if you're seasoned), failing that a drink problem.

There's something in these nights out that is worth lying to you for, risking your relationship (unless he's cocky enough to think you'd never leave), possibly risking his job, spending money on and forsaking sleep for.

What are you going to do OP?

oh my God- run for the hills and dont look back. He's a controling little creep.

I’m such a light sleeper this would never happen in my house so I’m really surprised he’s got away with it for so long. Not to mention appalled by his behaviour. I’d feel utterly betrayed. And agree, his not wanting you to socialise with your friends is a red flag. Has he explained how he would sober up enough in time for work or what he intended to do? All very odd and suspicious.

Like PP’s have said, I agree that there seems to be something more going on with him here. Though to be honest with just the info you have given, YANBU at all and he has acted like a twat! He’s controlling and dishonest and selfish and all of those things warrant some serious conversations about where the relationship is going to go from here in my opinion...? It sounds like you do an amazing job with DC all by yourself so they are lucky to have you and I hope you have someone close to help you with this horrible situation- talk through it all etc? Lots of love OP 💐

How can you be sure he isn't up to anything dodgy? As pp mentioned could be another woman, sex workers etc
I'd be making it clear how unreasonable this is and wanting answers to questions. Ie how often, who with. Tbh I'm not sure I could carry on being with him.

Have you thought about insisting that he unlock his phone in front of you and checking it out? I'd be deeply suspicious. This is not normal behaviour.

if he's going out in the middle of the night and then work the next day how can he be going on nights out I mean I'm not saying no one ever drinks on a work night but if he sneaks of at 11 and then you think he hasn't come back and just headed to work well where has he been and then slept ? it seems very odd I can sort of see how he's been getting away with the pretending to work late part but not going missing in the middle of the night. it's very sneaky and is be very angry about it he has been lying to you.