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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this IS dishonest

116 replies

Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:26

Found out that DP has had a variety of nights out without telling me. He would stay late at work then go out afterwards, I'd presume he had been at work the entire time and he wouldn't tell me differently. Sometimes he would go out after I'd gone to bed and then have gone to work before I got up so I didn't know.

I have never ever had a problem with him going out so I don't see why he would hide it unless something dodgy was going on. He says he hasn't hidden It, he just hasn't mentioned it because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" that I don't get to go out Hmm and that he would have told me if I'd asked (!) He says he hasn't been dishonest and is totally trustworthy.

AFAIC, for all I know, he could have been out all night after I'd gone to bed rather than having got up early to go to work. But I guess I wouldn't know unless I ask him every bloody day...! AIBU or is do you agree he has been dishonest here?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 08/02/2018 06:10

I can only go out with him and not waste my time with friends

The only reasonable response to that is LOL NOPE.

This is actually the most concerning thing, to me, of everything he's doing. He's deliberately isolating you from friends and family.

What would happen if you told him you were going out for the evening on his next day off?

MadeForThis · 08/02/2018 07:02

Did I read correctly that he also made excuses not to come to the hospital in order to maintain his lie?

Your dc was sick in hospital and he was more concerned about not getting caught. That is a poor example of a father.

I would suspect another woman. Or a drugs/drink problem.

Is he saying that he goes out with his work colleagues? Or alone? Can you confirm his story?

He is lying by omission every time he does this. And how much family money is he spending? I would want to find out.

He needs to understand how ridiculous his defence is. Should you have a checklist that you ask every day?

Did you cheat? Go out drinking? Take drugs? Watch porn? Waste family money? Lie to me?

I would be so angry both at what he was doing and how he tried to hide it and gaslight you.

kiwigeekmum · 08/02/2018 07:09

Ugh, so much wrong with this.
YANBU! I’m surprised you even had to ask.

— He guilt trips you into not going out without him. (Clingy at best, controlling or even abusive at worst - isolating you from your friends.)
— He expects you to do all the hard work with the kids. (Lazy Dad, probably sexist too.)
— By going out regularly without you, he further denies you any opportunity to go out. (Selfish)
— He lies by omission about where he is & what he’s doing on a regular basis. (Yes of course this is dishonest. It absolutely undermines any trust you may have had with him.)
— Then he further guilt-trips you when you find out and tries to make out it’s your fault that he behaves this way. (Manipulation.)
— As a result of all this he is failing in his role as husband and father. (Not being there when your baby was in hospital.)

Aaand... On top of all that, I’d bet if you DID ask him every day where he’d been, he would accuse YOU of being controlling & untrusting. (More manipulation)

This guy sounds like a total arse. Can you see that clearly? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

If it were me I’d be telling him to shape up or ship out!

Original poster
Jembab · 08/02/2018 07:15

It's definitely not drugs. He says he feels inadequate and helpless re: our DC but surely the solution is to be there to try to do more, rather than disappearing off on secret jaunts? I would imagine he deletes everything off his phone since the porn incident. I feel he relies on me being trapped in the house with DC to do as he pleases.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 08/02/2018 07:20

He's a cock

lougle · 08/02/2018 07:32

This is such a sad thread. I have 3 children (12, 10, 8) and DD1 has SN. DH has 5 jobs across 4 sites, with split shifts, that combine to make a full time job. Then he comes home and picks up whatever I haven't managed to get done with the day to day because I'm exhausted (also care for mum and dad and work part time), have a migraine, etc.

You are being seriously let down, practically and emotionally. You are being taken for a fool, and I'm so glad you are now aware and can challenge it.

SharonMott · 08/02/2018 07:36

He needs a tracking device in his car for starters.

TooMinty · 08/02/2018 07:46

What do you get out of this relationship OP? He is behaving like a single man with no kids and engineering it so you have no life outside the home? I think you'd be better off without him.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2018 07:49

This specimen doesn't see you as a human being, but as a thing to enable his life. He's a lying sack of shit on top of being a gaslighting prick who is isolating you from friends and treating you like a robot.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2018 07:53

That's terrible. He's pretending to be one person to you, when he is in fact someone else entirely, someone who lives as they please and has this great social life, like a single guy.

I'm actually a bit gobsmacked at the sheer level of dishonesty required here. I can't even imagine waiting till my husband went to sleep then sneaking out, probably not even coming home again. Never mind saying I'm at work when I'm really out on the piss.

It's totally gobsmacking,

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 08/02/2018 08:02

I am gobsmacked he's waiting for you to go to bed, then sneaking out. Have you never woken up wondering where he is, especially if the children have got you up? Whatever he's up to, you need to kick him to the kerb for it. He's not just broken your trust, he's sledgehammered it.

FinallyHere · 08/02/2018 08:08

feel he relies on me being trapped in the house with DC to do as he pleases.

'Fraid so, sorry OP 💐

WonderLime · 08/02/2018 08:17

He says he feels inadequate and helpless re: our DC

Complete bullshit. It's a way of saying "I'm being a twat but I can't help it" - as you say if he really felt inadequate and it bothered him he'd try to find ways to get involved.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2018 08:25

'He says he feels inadequate and helpless re: our DC'

Bullshit!

NeilPetark · 08/02/2018 08:38

I can only go out with him and not waste my time with friends.

WTAF??

Read this back to yourself OP, this is very very wrong.

whiskyowl · 08/02/2018 08:42

He's having his cake and eating it - he gets all the benefits of family life with none of the responsibilities or work.

It's not fair, on you or the DCs, and his lying about it makes it worse.

blueskyinmarch · 08/02/2018 08:43

How did you not notice he was gone in the night if you live with him, i assume sleep beside him and are up during the night with your DC?

notanurse2017 · 08/02/2018 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaureenNervosa · 08/02/2018 08:47

He does not have the right to decide whether or not you can go out with your friends. You may be his wife and the mother of his child but you are not his property.
All of this sneaking out after you have gone to bed does not look good. It seems to be one rule for him and another for you. Your DS is young - is this behaviour from your DH something you want to be putting up with over the long term? Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 08:51

Have a chat with Women's Aid; make your plans. Do this carefully - this man is sneaky as well as abusive. He may empty bank accounts, find ways of physically imprisoning you (locking doors and 'forgetting' to leave you a key so you can get out) - or become physically aggressive. But you do need to get rid.

Spartaca · 08/02/2018 08:57

Tbh what he gets up to is neither here nor there. The fact that he does it is enough. That teamed with his attitude would have me showing him the door.

thethoughtfox · 08/02/2018 09:10

He is inadequate. But not helpless. He could, you know, help. Is he going out and the going to work with no/ little sleep? He should be taking responsibility for the children in the nighttime regularly so you get rest. Sadly, I think him just going out, may not be the whole story. This sort of deception suggests something worse: alcohol issue, other woman, prostitute...

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/02/2018 09:23

he said he feels bad because he can't get up in the night with our DC with SN

Why can't he? Is he physically prevented from doing so?

Magpie18 · 08/02/2018 09:23

He is most definitely up to something he doesn't want you to know about. He is also isolating you - that is cruel. Time for a (very) straight talk - dont allow him to continue treating you & your children like this. You deserve so much more Flowers

NeilPetark · 08/02/2018 09:26

he said he feels bad because he can't get up in the night with our DC with SN

Why can't he? Is he physically prevented from doing so?

Because he’s not there I imagine. Or because he doesn’t want to.