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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this IS dishonest

116 replies

Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:26

Found out that DP has had a variety of nights out without telling me. He would stay late at work then go out afterwards, I'd presume he had been at work the entire time and he wouldn't tell me differently. Sometimes he would go out after I'd gone to bed and then have gone to work before I got up so I didn't know.

I have never ever had a problem with him going out so I don't see why he would hide it unless something dodgy was going on. He says he hasn't hidden It, he just hasn't mentioned it because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" that I don't get to go out Hmm and that he would have told me if I'd asked (!) He says he hasn't been dishonest and is totally trustworthy.

AFAIC, for all I know, he could have been out all night after I'd gone to bed rather than having got up early to go to work. But I guess I wouldn't know unless I ask him every bloody day...! AIBU or is do you agree he has been dishonest here?

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 08/02/2018 09:31

You are definitely NBU. It's either alcohol/gambling or women/men I think. Sorry OP.

When you are up in the night with your DC is he usually there or missing? Just trying to get a handle on what he is doing. So, you and DC go to bed and he is still up and then he goes out but is usually gone in the morning? So is he coming back in-between or not do you think?

Zaphodsotherhead · 08/02/2018 09:35

But if he's using feeling bad about not being able to get up in the night to DC as the excuse for going out and being physically unavailable, what kind of logic is that?

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 08/02/2018 09:36

Hi op,

He is being incredibly dishonest! Not telling you things because you don't ask the right questions, trying to avoid going to the hospital just to save his own skin...what a low life!

I would suspect another woman. If you told him that you were worried and asked to see his phone would he let you look?

He sounds like a terrible father and partner. If he feels useless around his kids he should be spending as much time as possible improving his relationship with them.

There's nothing wrong with nights out but only when he's bloody honest about it and you get one too!

Booagain · 08/02/2018 09:44

Im sorry for yor situation OP. It’s definitely and terribly unreasonable of him - with going out, his excuses and his lack of co-parenting.
Go out, tell him to stay in. Alter the balance of child care so he can get confident in it. Maybe he feels very far removed from you all. No excuse for him being shit but a thought.

tillytown · 08/02/2018 09:51

He doesn't let you see your friends, you aren't allowed out without him or the kids, he buggers off all night spending family money and pissing about. Just kick the lying sack of shit out.

DropItLikeASquat · 08/02/2018 10:33

I can se so many traits of an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. He is lying, guilt tripping you, gas lighting you, omitting to tell you the truth and shifting the blame to you. You need to get rid, this can't end well. I strongly suggest you contact your local domestic abuse service and go on the 'freedom program'. Its an amazing insight to different types of abuse, not just violent ones but the lying, gas lighting and emotional ones.
I wish I could give you a huge hug, its going to be okay but you need to do something to protect your self and your children from his behaviour.

tafftum · 08/02/2018 11:32

Have you spoken to him op?
I really do hope everything is ok Thanks

HouseworkIsASin10 · 08/02/2018 11:38

He's shagging around.

Can't believe he's waiting for you to go to sleep then sneaks out.

Doesn't sound like a great catch anyway, get rid.

Original poster
Jembab · 08/02/2018 11:46

I think the staying out after work allowing me to think he's working late has been more frequent than the sneaking out but if I woke to find him not next to me when I was getting up to the DC, I wouldn't have gone searching for him - potentially disturbing the DC again. I would have just presumed he fell asleep on the sofa. He knows this which is why he took advantage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jembab · 08/02/2018 11:49

He's not physically unable to get up to the DC at all. One is breastfed and co-sleeps (again restricting me from checking up on him at night) and the one with SN won't accept him at night. He says he's tried but he's tried the same thing repeatedly and won't take my advice on how to deal with him on board.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 08/02/2018 11:55

Honestly, you and your DC will be better without this tosser. Don't waste any more of your lives on him: get things sorted and then tell him to go. He may whine, he may make promises (which will be lies), or there is a risk of him becoming aggressive: if he does, call the police. Has he ever slapped you, or worse? Does he 'accidentally' bump into you, tread on your feet, trap your hand in a door or stuff like that? It's not uncommon for this type of abuser to cause you quite a lot of minor physical injuries which can be passed off as accidents: the intention is to make you constantly anxious and extra-obedient.

NeilPetark · 08/02/2018 12:48

He’s a waste of time and he’s taking the piss massively.

KickAssAngel · 08/02/2018 13:18

Quite honestly, it sounds like he has a second family.

Either he's taking drugs and passing out in a squat somewhere, or he has a regular place to sleep that isn't with you. That sounds like he has another house to go to. When he says he's working late he could be going to Home 2 for dinner & family time, then saying he's meeting friends and coming to see you in Home 1. Then you go to bed, and some nights he stays with you. Other nights he goes off to Home 2 for the night.

I can't even imagine that going out drinking would happen from late night to the next morning more than about once a month. He must have somewhere else he's going overnight, and that implies a place where he's well known enough to have a bed.

Doublemint · 08/02/2018 13:24

I'd check bank statements for each night he "worked late". Ironically I would WANT to see that he was in bars etc. The absence of a paper trail smacks of infidelity to me. That would be unforgivable. Although tbh I'd find it very hard to forgive the lies you do know about.

He's a prick OP. Don't let the puppy dog routine fool you.

tafftum · 08/02/2018 13:40

If you didn't have your DC I'd definitely have suggested pretending to fall asleep one night and when he sneaks out follow him.. that's probably not an option though unless the kids could stay out somewhere else for the night... that's assuming he literally refuses to tell you anything or what he does say for an excuse doesnt make sense

DontPullThatTubeOut · 08/02/2018 18:29

I’d call out his bullshit. I’m usually had a go at for trying to see the mans side and even I can’t think no of anything here. And I am the one who doesn’t wake to our child with extra needs because she settles better with her dad, I wouldn’t fuck off out though. The keeping you in the house and saying he doesn’t want you out with anyone except him sets off alarm bells. Why have you allowed that? What did you say when he said that? You do everything alone anyway so you’d probably be better off that way.

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