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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this IS dishonest

116 replies

Jembab · 07/02/2018 22:26

Found out that DP has had a variety of nights out without telling me. He would stay late at work then go out afterwards, I'd presume he had been at work the entire time and he wouldn't tell me differently. Sometimes he would go out after I'd gone to bed and then have gone to work before I got up so I didn't know.

I have never ever had a problem with him going out so I don't see why he would hide it unless something dodgy was going on. He says he hasn't hidden It, he just hasn't mentioned it because he didn't want to "hurt my feelings" that I don't get to go out Hmm and that he would have told me if I'd asked (!) He says he hasn't been dishonest and is totally trustworthy.

AFAIC, for all I know, he could have been out all night after I'd gone to bed rather than having got up early to go to work. But I guess I wouldn't know unless I ask him every bloody day...! AIBU or is do you agree he has been dishonest here?

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 07/02/2018 22:54

Oh he's trying to play a real number on you here. Deflection and gaslighting mixed with a vivid guilt tripping.

Get a night out sorted with your friends and let him stay home to care for your child

Find out where he has been going and if you have a trusted friend or relative get them to go out and see what he is up to. Sadly be prepared for bad news as it doesn't look good :(

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 23:09

Even if he hasn't done anything untoward - which I think seems highly unlikely - AIBU to feel his omissions are enough cause not to trust him?

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 07/02/2018 23:11

Absolutely Jem, he is being deceitful and trying to put the blame on you.

Crispbutty · 07/02/2018 23:12

Absolutely not being unreasonable I mean!

orangewasp · 07/02/2018 23:16

and that he would have told me if I'd asked - what.... like asked on the off chance he'd been out without you knowing??

Vert weird, very dishonest and most likely very dodgy is some drink/women related way

Original poster
Jembab · 07/02/2018 23:35

Exactly, should I ask if he's shagged someone else everyday, just in case? Because obviously he wouldn't have actually lied unless I'd specifically asked.

OP posts:
cherryontopp · 07/02/2018 23:45

Id let him stay in with the DC one night and fuck off out myself

NeilPetark · 07/02/2018 23:46

This is awful yanbu. I would think he is having an affair personally.

SpikyCoconut · 07/02/2018 23:48

To give another slant, I've sometimes done things like this. Not to the extent, but if I was at home and DP (before we lived together) wasn't at mine I'd not say when I'd gone out. I confessed and DP was hurt-my reasoning was I'd been with loads of partners who would give me grief for going out/returning home late. We talked it through and I realised that I wasn't in a situation like that any more so I could be honest. Could it be something like that?

tafftum · 07/02/2018 23:48

This is really odd, YANBU op!
I would definitely not be happy if I found out my OH had been doing the same.
If you have ANY doubts about what he did, especially if he shagged someone else, on those nights you should ask purely for your own piece of mind.
I'm not saying that's what he's done but I'd want to know either way if it were me. hugs

NoqontroI · 07/02/2018 23:50

Why isn't he coming home to help you rather than sneaking out and not telling you. It's not good op. It really isn't.

NeilPetark · 07/02/2018 23:50

Do you ever get to go out?

Partypopper123 · 07/02/2018 23:51

This is very suspicious behaviour, have you never suspected anything else was going on? His reason / excuses sound like BS to me, sorry OP.

ReanimatedSGB · 07/02/2018 23:52

I think the idea of 'other women' is irrelevant here. He's decided that he is entitled to go out whenever he wants to, but you are a household appliance and therefore you must always stay at home.
How would he react if you told him that you were going to go out for an evening and he would be looking after the DC?

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2018 23:56

Wow. He’s trying not to upset you and puppy dog eyes? I’d have lost it. I suggest you ask him every single day if there’s anything he’s forgotten to tell you because his tiny brain thinks that’s how to keep you happy, what time did he leave work, did he go out and has he shagged anyone else recently?
Personally though I’d be questioning the whole relationship and some counselling would be non negotiable if I really wanted to stay together.

KickAssAngel · 07/02/2018 23:57

You don't even know if he's come home for the night? That's really not OK.

I know plenty of people who have a rule that "you let people know where you are". Just in case (like their DC being admitted to hospital and needing to get hold of him).

That doesn't mean checking in every minute, but generally someone who you're close to (like your life partner) should have some idea of where you are and how to get hold of you. That's just one of those things that adults do. IT can be as simple as a text, but people shouldn't just go AWOL for a night.

OP - what time do you go to bed? 4 pm? How is he going out after your bed time, and not coming home, unless he's got somewhere else to spend the night quite often?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/02/2018 23:57

I’m usuallu on these threads saying stuff like ‘meh he’s his own person why does it matter, what’s the problem’ when it’s independent activities.

But even I would consider this dishonest and incredibly strange indeed. I would be thinking alcohol issues or sex workers or another women.
There is no legitimate reason to be carefully sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night to go out. (And given you have a kid with additional needs requiring attention at night it’s safe to say he’s really carefully sneaking)

Oh and there is no such thing as I can’t get up in the night with my SN child that’s code for I’m not prepared to put in the work you do in order to be able to

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/02/2018 00:01

To give another slant, I've sometimes done things like this. Not to the extent, but if I was at home and DP (before we lived together) wasn't at mine I'd not say when I'd gone out. I confessed and DP was hurt-my reasoning was I'd been with loads of partners who would give me grief for going out/returning home late. We talked it through and I realised that I wasn't in a situation like that any more so I could be honest. Could it be something like that?

That’s ridiculous, they are a cohabiting family with children. By the time that happens nobody gets to use the ‘but my ex did this’ line that’s a done and dusted with level of seriousness thing

Jon66 · 08/02/2018 00:01

I had an affair, and I'm so ashamed of this, but he used to come round to me after his wife went to sleep, stayed with me until dawn and then go home. To this day I don't know how he got away with it. He only lived a 3 minute walk away.

Original poster
Jembab · 08/02/2018 00:05

No I never get to go out. Ever. That's another thing that poss as me off - he always makes it sound like we're in it together to his parents but it's me who's left with all the hard bits while he can do as he pleases. He always says when the kids are easier to leave we need to make up for lost time and that I can only go out with him and not waste my time with friends. Except he hasn't lost any time and thinks it's fine that he goes out with friends. Hypocritical, no?

OP posts:
tafftum · 08/02/2018 00:06

I had an affair, and I'm so ashamed of this, but he used to come round to me after his wife went to sleep, stayed with me until dawn and then go home. To this day I don't know how he got away with it. He only lived a 3 minute walk away.

Yikes.** Sorry for dragging off from the purpose of this thread.. but did his wife ever find out? If so, how?Shock

tafftum · 08/02/2018 00:08

and that I can only go out with him and not waste my time with friends.

I'd do exactly that then, go out with your friends.* Make him face up to his responsibility, they're his kids too it's not all down to you. That sounds overly controlling, you can only go out with him. Nope, I wouldn't have that op.*

Original poster
Jembab · 08/02/2018 00:10

He did try that excuse with the porn incident need but I shut it down with your logic. We'd been together for years by that point and I had never said porn would make me insecure.

Jon the fact that I wouldn't be surprised if something like that is going on here tells me all I need to know really, doesn't it? He has slipped up once when he said he'd been stuck at work at lunch, then later said about when he was going back to work after lunch. He didn't notice. But I did.

OP posts:
splatattack · 08/02/2018 00:11

Can you find out more? Check his phone maybe?

LemonysSnicket · 08/02/2018 00:11

Would you have been moody/angry or ranted at him if he DID tell you? I’m not often on the blokes side but sounds like he’s on eggshells a bit?

Going out after work for a couple is normal, the leaving in the night thing is a little odd - are you in bed by8?