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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Missing him

143 replies

Lilmis · 07/02/2018 16:35

Hubby had been australia for a week and still another week to go. Never been apart in 13 years apart from once. The children and I are missing him like crazy. I cried the first 5 days and so hve the children. Is this normal or am I being ott!!

OP posts:

ImListening · 08/02/2018 08:13

I go away a fair bit also & dh does stuff with the dcs also that we wouldn’t do if the other partner was around.

LoniceraJaponica · 08/02/2018 08:56

"Or eat garlicky food - I don’t do this when he’s around as I don’t think it’s fair to share a bed with someone who has horrid breath."

Can't he eat garlicky food as well?

Getoutofthatgarden · 08/02/2018 09:15

I can't help but see irony in all these people declaring that they like their partners being away so they can do the things they like to do or watch the things they want to do. Can you not do that when they are around? Or do you have to wait until they are not there before you can "be your own person "?

Good try. No, it's got nothing to do with 'not being allowed'. My DH loves the nights when I go out too, looks forward to watching whatever he wants on TV, has a few drinks, gets a take-away(food that I don't like) He can do this any night he wants...but then it wouldn't be a treat would it?

I could do the things I like any night I want, but that would mean going into another room and ignoring him. We find something we both want to watch, spend time together - sometimes get a take-away together. The nights he's gone are bliss because I get to watch my guilty pleasure programmes, of course I'm not going to make him watch them(Teen Mom anybody?), just like I refuse to watch some of his favourite programmes.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 08/02/2018 09:24

Is it mean hearted not to cry yourself to sleep every night because partner isn't with you?

ImListening · 08/02/2018 09:33

Lonicera I also have IBS - the fart smells From my garlic habits aren’t pleasant!

Yes if we are eating garlic together yes - but Its quite gross for him if I’m honest!

LEMtheoriginal · 08/02/2018 10:41

Of course it isn't accidental but it's pretty fucking shitty to call someone pathetic if they do

MrsMaxwell · 08/02/2018 10:48

I admit the first time my OH left to go to sea for 4 months and I saw him drive away I was on my car too and I cried whilst driving for about 15 minutes as I knew I wouldn’t hear from him and I didn’t know when he would return.

After that I got my shit together and got on with my life until he returned.

MrsMaxwell · 08/02/2018 10:49

*in

Brunhildafair · 08/02/2018 11:14

Two years on Sunday since my husband died. Family coming over and we are planning a lovely day in his memory.......I doubt that there will be tears,lots of funny memories to talk about,and 'do you remember when's' ? I really find that the OP's reaction is a little bit OTT. ! We all get upset,but personally I perform in private. I would try my utmost never to break down in front of my family. He is only away for a few days OP, find something to occupy yourself,and rejoice in the fact that he will be home soon. You don't know how lucky you are !

Trashboat · 08/02/2018 11:15

Tink there is a difference between missing someone and crying cos they don't get in until 10pm that evening.

I do think it's unhealthy that some poeoples happiness hinges on another person being constantly present.

I love my husband dearly, but I am also able to enjoy my own company without hankering after him when he isn't at home.

It's called 'a healthy relationship'

Dulra · 08/02/2018 11:17

We are all different so I think it is important to respect that. If you are not used to your oh being away I can see why it is upsetting for you especially when they are in Australia which is very far. I do think though this is maybe a bit of a wake up call for you to address it because there is missing someone and there is being quite depressed and upset when they are gone which seems to also be projecting on to your kids. You are a perfectly capable person and should be well able to cope when your oh is away. As I said it is perfectly normal to miss the other person but you should be able to get on with it and not dwell on their absence and not let the time they are away be a miserable time for you. I bet he's having a fab time in Oz so you need to do things that you and the kids enjoy while he's away if you don't it will be even worse for you next time he goes because your memory of this time will be so awful. I think you need to prove to yourself and your kids that you can cope and thrive.

I love my husband dearly and miss him when he is away (he's away at the mo) but I really don't dwell on it I get on with it and believe me time flies as a result

Tink2007 · 08/02/2018 11:26

Trashboat I don’t recall ever saying my husband worked late until 10pm? If it were that would be a joy.

We have a perfectly healthy relationship but just because there are times I miss him and I feel upset for what he is missing, what our DCs are missing doesn’t make it unhealthy.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 08/02/2018 11:27

My DP and DS are going to Scotland for a week to visit inlaws. I’ll miss them both but am looking forward to eating fancy chocolate Hotel Chocolat and watching bad Netflix. I’ll be here with DD but she’s 6 months so I won’t have to share
A week isn’t that long OP.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 08/02/2018 11:28

Meh. I think it is pathetic, and incredibly unhealthy to be so upset when a partner is away or on a late shift, you don't. All part of life's diversity isn't it.

Johnnycomelately1 · 08/02/2018 11:34

We have a perfectly healthy relationship but just because there are times I miss him and I feel upset for what he is missing, what our DCs are missing doesn’t make it unhealthy.

If he were in jail or Afgahnistan then that would be understandable, but he's just at work for a few hours.

Nicknacky · 08/02/2018 11:35

I work late shift and I would find it deeply weird if my h cried just because I'm at work. M

tinks do you cry when he is working out during the day?

Honestly I think that's bizarre.

Tink2007 · 08/02/2018 11:48

As I said - our circumstances changed quite drastically over the year. If he is working a late shift (more often than not) then our DCs will not see him at all. That upsets them, in turn that upsets me. It upsets him that circumstance of work has led to this change in our lifestyle.

Do I cry every night? No. Occasionally yes because I miss the way our lives used to be and our times together as a family and a couple in the evenings. I don’t think it’s a bad thing nor do I think that makes a relationship unhealthy.

I don’t think people saying they can’t wait for their husbands or wives to go away so they can have some “me time” is particularly nice but that suits them so that works for them.

LEMtheoriginal · 08/02/2018 12:57

Everyone's relationship is different. Me and DP are pretty exclusive. We spend most if not all of our spare time together and don't really have friends. I have work friends and friends from uni who I see occasionally but generally we don't socisocialise. That is our choice and I'm sure people might say it isn't healthy. I feel that way about folk who Pursue separate hobbies that take them away from their partners - it's not for me but I'm not going to say people have shit relationships because it's not what I would do.

I have friends who partners often work away - I admire they can get on with it. It affords them a fairly affluent lifestyle but they hardly see each other. It would make me unhappy and we wouldn't do it. But it works for them.

Does that make me a weak person because I don't want to be apart from my partner? No of course it doesn't.

Have u cried when apart from dp? Yes but I think it was partly due to other circumstances - if I'd been away with friends or enjoying myself I'd probably have been fine. But fuck sake guys BE KIND!!

Why not come and tell the OP to chin up and find some distractions. Arrange to see friends Etc that he'll be home soon and bearing gilfts I'm sure. To look forward to his return not come on here and tell her she us OUT and pathetic. Says more about those posters than the OP imo

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