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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Another in-law one...

443 replies

forfuxache · 06/02/2018 15:52

Argh! I don't know if I'm being an UR shrew or if I'm justified in being annoyed.

It's DHs birthday today. He's at work. I went out this morning and bought all the ingredients for a lovely three course dinner of his favourite things.

We have a toddler (22 months) and I'm 9 weeks pregnant. So as you can imagine chances for a romantic evening are thin on the ground. However, I'm finally feeling not so exhausted and a bit more chipper and our toddler has been playing ball recently by going to bed promptly by seven. DH will be home for half seven so we'll start to eat by eight. So, my plan is to have dinner, chill out then have an, ahem, early night together - he'll love it.

Inlaws asked DH last weekend if they could come for a cuppa around 8pm on his birthday to give him his card and present. He asked me (as he guessed I might have plans) and I said it wouldn't work, but would he like to invite them for dinner at the weekend instead - I'll cook. Didn't think anymore of it.

Now I've had FIL texting me this afternoon saying DH has told them it's not going to work for them to come today but they only want to come for half an hour? Why can't they? I replied nicely, saying really sorry but I'm cooking a three course meal which we won't start until eight but did DH ask them about the weekend - if so what day suits, what do they fancy to eat etc.

Got a snotty reply back from MIL saying she doesn't understand why they can't just pop in quickly to give DH his card and present, they don't mind if we're eating!

Argh! I replied saying that I was planning a 'bit of a romantic evening' (big enough hint, no?) and she's still not happy. Says she's surprised as she thought we were having a romantic evening next week when they babysit while we go out for dinner. I should add I didn't ask them to babysit. MIL offered when I said I'd got a table at a restaurant we like, and DD will be in bed.

AIBU to be cross? I've been nice, I've I invites them another night and offered to cook for them. Short of saying 'well MIL I might fancy shagging DH on the sofa at some point - I've even shaved my legs y'know - so it's not really appropriate that you're here!! Also we're tired parents - once we've had our fun we'll no doubt want to be asleep by half ten!'

They have no boundaries I swear! I know DH is their son and they love him, but he's 35 years old! Surely they don't HAVE to see him on his actual birthday?!?

No real backstory here, except for MIL doesn't like being told no. Which she isn't very often. Except for the time she wanted to visit a week after DD was born (they day after I got out of hospital after a truly terrible birth and was really quite unwell still) and threw a massive tantrum when we said no, give us a day or two please. Other than that, they are fine.

Is it me??

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 06/02/2018 18:10

A duck and fuck Grin amazing I might use that one.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 18:11

can seen the next generation of MIL's are going to be just as unpopular and fucking ridiculous as the last...

Let's hope all those saying the OP is not being unreasonable are as understanding when their DIL refuses to let them come round when it's their sons birthday Wink

MissClareRemembers · 06/02/2018 18:12

It would piss me off too but given that they’ve offered to babysit for you next week, I think I might have cut a bit of slack. I’d give my right arm for an offer like that.

Be careful OP...is there any chance your ILs will turn around and tell you they will no longer be able to babysit for you next week? I actually think I’d find it a bit hurtful to be told I can’t drop a card off for my son. Irrational, yes, but I’d still be a little bit hurt.

Namechangeuser · 06/02/2018 18:12

Some of these replies are insane. I can't believe there are so many people that think parents absolutely must see their precious adult children on their actual birthday and not a day later.

I haven't seen my mum on my birthday for YEARS.

I think alot of people on this thread really need to get a grip. The alternative was offered, if that didn't suit them either then the ball was in their court to let op know when would work.

Dobbythesockelf · 06/02/2018 18:12

Why does son trump husband? Like he being their son is more important than him being her husband.

Graphista · 06/02/2018 18:12

"No Yvonne I don't want to watch your son open up a pair of socks that are dyed with the blood of your placenta and personalised with the tears of your disappointment...I just want to get him drunk on cheap whiskey and have him shag me sideways over the kitchen table"

GrinGrinGrin

Graphista · 06/02/2018 18:13

"Let's hope all those saying the OP is not being unreasonable are as understanding when their DIL refuses to let them come round when it's their sons birthday"

Several of those that have said this DO have grown sons - or are they mil-ing wrong? Hmm

OuaisMaisBon · 06/02/2018 18:14

Loving the way you are insisting on planting the blame squarely on the DIL, not the son, GreatDuck - so much so that I'm wondering if you might not be the MIL in question Grin

Graphista · 06/02/2018 18:15

"Why does son trump husband? Like he being their son is more important than him being her husband"

You could and should post this on all mil threads Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 18:16

I don't think posters are saying it's imperative for parents to see their adult sons on their birthday. This seems to me more about being controlling and a bit spiteful and what better way to get people behind you to gauge whether you are being unreasonable than to start a thread about your MIL on MN. This was always going to go the OP's way.

LindySprint · 06/02/2018 18:16

Crikey, some posters on here sound fucking bonkers.

Enjoy your Duck Surprise, OP.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 06/02/2018 18:16

So many pathetic clinging mothers on this thread.

You know there are people who emigrate? Or who (wait for it, its traumatic alright) move to another town?
There are people who see their parents once a year.

And this MIL can't wait 24 hours to give her precious 35 year old baby his birthday card?

Christ alive...

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 18:17

OuaisMaisBon fret not.

SianRose · 06/02/2018 18:17

You are being completely reasonable. I totally get what your saying and totally agree. I know hes there son etc etc but hes not a child and he has a family of his own now. I should imagine theyve seen him on his birthday for all of his 35 years so one year a few days later really wont hurt. Stand firm lady! And have a great evening ;)

Tentomidnight · 06/02/2018 18:29

YANBU. He needs to call his parents and ask them which day at the weekend suits them. His mum is putting the 'blame' on you as it's easier than her admitting to herself that her son may have a life independent of her.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.

forfuxache · 06/02/2018 18:43

Well, DD is in bed (wonders will never cease!) I've done my hair and am cooking! So signing off for tonight I will update you all in the morning as I'm sure there will be a tale of woe to come from MIL via SIL by then. I am 99% certain they won't just turn up.

Whoever said the shaving of the legs is monumental- correct, and your whole post was spot on!

Highly doubtful they'd pull out of babysitting next week as 1) they offered, I didn't ask and 2) they get huffy if they don't get their 'turn' at it with my parents. However if they did, my mum would step in, even at short notice.

OP posts:
MsHomeSlice · 06/02/2018 18:50

the force is strong in your MIL!!

honestly what a nonsense over a 35year old's birthday card, she is making an idiot of herself and it's pretty clear to see there is an up and coming generation of women who are also going to be making equal fools of themselves with their adult children

yes it's a birthday, but MIL has been told quite clearly that alternative plans are afoot, but apparently that's not good enough for her! or many many of the posters on here with children

not only that the BIRTHDAYBOY himself has told her, so what is her problem?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/02/2018 18:55

I doubt the MIL is that hell bent on seeing her son today. Moreover she's picked up on the passive aggressive behaviour of her DIL.

Her dislike for the PILs is brimming under the surface which will be hard to disguise.

raisedbyguineapigs · 06/02/2018 18:56

The OP knows her MIL. She said it won't just be half an hour ( and who needs half an hour anyway to drop off a card and a present, quick peck on the cheek, go.) Sounds like the MiL is the type who says half an hour and just doesn't leave. Its a bit late to give her the benefit of the doubt when their entire evening has been ruined! Why on earth can't they post the card or drop it off the day before? What the hell have they bought their 35 year old adult son that they need to sit and watch him open his presents like he's a 5 year old?

wheretoyougonow · 06/02/2018 18:59

YANBU. I hate it when you have to justify a reply to an answer. They asked if they could come round and you replied no but suggested another time. Simples.
If they insist on coming round please please make sure that you are completely inappropriately dressed so they completely get the message.....
WTF are people on this thread going to do if their children grow up and actually become an independent adult? Follow them to work and nightclubs or holidays with their spouses to wish them happy birthday?! Grin

Ickyockycocky · 06/02/2018 19:01

Anyone who still thinks Freud had anything useful to say needs to have a reality check.

Ickyockycocky · 06/02/2018 19:02

I wonder if this MIL will be reviled in a later thread because she doesn't want to do free child care. Grin

GummyGoddess · 06/02/2018 19:02

Definitely not unreasonable, you already know they planned to come over for the entire evening when they said they were happy to watch you eat! That doesn't sound like they were planning only half an hour.

Have a lovely evening!

Snugglepiggy · 06/02/2018 19:06

I know a MIL who wouldn't even ask if they could briefly pop round with a card and present.She'd just turn up and hammer on the door regardless of what plans had been made.In that context i do think you're a bit unreasonable tbh.It's amazing how many people will happily accept free babysitting and allow the in laws or parents to come around for that.But if they are generally no problem ,as you said they were,and willing to help when you need it I for one wouldn't have a problem with a really quick visit.I would gave said yes,but we cant sit and chat as got a lovely meal planned. The rest of the evening is yours.Families are about compromise.

TheDowagerCuntess · 06/02/2018 19:13

I for one wouldn't have a problem with a really quick visit.

I don't think anyone would? But the OP's said that's not going to happen.

PIL will sit and sit, and watch them eat their nice meal, so while it won't be ruined per se, it absolutely won't be the nice, rare evening together that they're envisaging.

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