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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2018 22:29

OP I regret it and wish I'd pushed my own career much harder instead of taking a back seat to my DH's.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 22:30

There are plenty of threads on here that show that there are many times when thr husband doesn't like it or want it, and resents his wife, particularly when thr kids are at school

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:30

Vashna yip!

Happiness I didn't say they should be paid the same. But I said the lower wages indicated that early years was less valued than other stages of education - primary, secondary and tertiary. I stand by this statement and will continue to hope that people will recognise the importance of early years and pay staff accordingly.

puglife15 · 05/02/2018 22:30

I've worked 3 days per week since having DC, bar subsequent mat leaves etc.

On mat leave I was lonely and a bit depressed, and realised how much of my identity was tied up in work.

I'd like to work slightly fewer hours, maybe 16, and I'd like DH to work less, but appreciate I'm lucky to have a decent part time job I enjoy. I don't think I'd like to be SAHP long term.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/02/2018 22:33

we all live in the here & now. I benchmark based on what I have,not what ifs
I cant prophesize what’ll happen or how I’ll react when it does.no one can
And it’s subjective, what’s of value to me isn’t necessarily significant to anyone else

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:34

It's really not for everyone. I do think women get the shitty end of the stick whatever their situation.

Vashna · 05/02/2018 22:35

Happy - I am giving my daughters "aspirations". They're in very academic schools in London. I have the time and energy to support them in everything. However, if they find themselves in the position of not needing to work and they decide that they get more personal fulfilment and happiness from being there for their DC, I will support them all the way because you only live once.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 22:40

Missmouse I don’t believe early years is less valued - but it doesn’t require the same skill/knowledge level as other years hence the wages are lower. Nurses are no less valued than doctors but they are not as highly trained and so are paid less.

FrogMog · 05/02/2018 22:41

It happened to my mum that she gave up a job in the city to look after me and my siblings.
8 years later my dad unexpectedly and completely out of character as far as friends/relatives were concerned buggered off with much younger woman.
Back then you could get maintenance easily but my mother had to find a more childcare friendly career so retrained as a teacher. But of course she is then up against people who have been in the job 15 + years when promotion etc comes along.

Her one forceful rule was that I should always go into a career where you can easily pick it up again - no need for retraining - and keep one foot in the door even if it is going part time, doing cover, admin work for the company etc. Partly so if the worst happens, you can support yourself and aren't held back too much from being out of the workforce, partly because it is important to have the security and social scene a workplace can provide when you need company, a busy life to get stuck into and people around you.

arghh21 · 05/02/2018 22:42

My mum was at home for more that 10 years and then went back pt but I still see her as a role model.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:42

Being a SAHP doesn't mean being a SAHP forever. Life happens in stages... school, uni, work, parenthood, work, more work, more work, and if your lucky retirement than death. Taking a relatively short amount of time out of this to provide child care for children, does not cancel out what went before or what comes after. I can be both a SAHP and an aspirational role model to my children.

Seer · 05/02/2018 22:42

I've always worked part-time since my DCs were small. I was fortunate to be able negotiate part-time hours at my old 'good' job and then left to start my own business, also part-time.

I have zero regrets. It's been the best of both worlds: I've appreciated being able to spend time with my children and also to do meaningful work.

If DH and I split up I could ramp up my work to bring in more money.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 05/02/2018 22:47

Don’t regret it. Being a SAHM is just the current stage of life I’m at. I stopped working 11 years ago when I adopted my first DC.

I worked for over 20 years in the same well paid job and then needed to stay at home when the longed for kids finally came along after 10 years of marriage. I’d saved up enough money over my working life to pay off my half of the mortgage and DH is a high earner so money wasn’t an issue.

The next stage of my life will be enjoying time with DH when he retires and supporting the kids through university or whatever they decide to do.

I’m realising now as the kids get older and less dependent on me that it would have been nice to have kept at least a part time job but it wasn’t possible for me or good for our family for various reasons.

Not sure I’d have made the same decisions if I’d been younger when I became a Mum or if I’d had birth children.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 22:48

I don’t doubt that vashna but I was talking specifically about role models kids might aspire to be, not aspirations in general. It was in response to your comment that everyone who is decent and loved their kids is a role model. These are examples everyone should be setting but it goes beyond that for me. The example I’ve set for my son is reaching the top of a profession dominated by the opposite sex. At the same time as being a decent, loving, invested and fun parent.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 05/02/2018 22:49

for the most part, women who stay at home do it because they can afford it

I really think you're overestimating the number of women whose husbands earn 10x their salary/"the millions" compared to families where they're financially better off getting £250 a month in child tax credits based on two children and their husband earning about £26k than they going to work in a minimum wage job themselves and having to pay £900 a month in childcare, or even with a child in school when you factor in before/after school/holiday childcare and the stress involved. Or those who are happy to cut their cloth to live on one £35k salary.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:50

The average wage of a nursery worker is £7.10 per hour that's considerably less than the national living wage - nursery workers are not valued.

Vashna · 05/02/2018 23:01

Some people are not impressed by "reaching the top of a profession" though. You might get there and it feels hollow, depending on it's the profession. My DH is extremely "successful", but he still has more admiration for say, a nurse or someone who does something tangible that actually benefits others. Despite all outward appearances and kudos, he sometimes wishes he had a more vocational job, rather than being a so-called "high-flier"
In my case, my previous job was very "worthy", but it wasn't the kind of thing you would go into if your benchmark for success and being a role model was "to get to the top". Success means different things to different people.

LardLizard · 05/02/2018 23:50

Vashna well said, agree success means different things to different people

Fossie · 05/02/2018 23:51

I’ve gone back to work after 16 years as a SAHM. As a teacher in a shortage subject that turned out to be easier than I expected but gosh it’s hard work. I’m just about up to speed after 6 months. I would have gone back sooner if I there had been more part time work available. More professional women would be able to work and spend time with their children if society valued their contribution properly and was prepared to arrange work in a much more flexible way. For me that would be the step forward in the status of women and family life.

Want2bSupermum · 06/02/2018 00:56

I'm happy with my choice and based on what I know today I'd have made the same choice to continue working.

I love that I could support the DC if I needed to on my salary alone. Over the next five years I expect my income to continue to increase. Both DH and I work hard both working regular jobs plus each of us run our own businesss. We have 2DC with autism and we spend our money on therapy for them.

I'm one of three working mothers in our special needs group. The SAHMs have a very different dynamic because they have more time available during the day to spend time doing things I rush through. My mani pedi is done at home on a Monday night. The SAHMs go for a mani pedi during the day when the salon is quiet.

Koalablue · 06/02/2018 01:29

Im a sahm and tell my kids to not give up work.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 06/02/2018 06:06

Absolutely Vashna and my greatest success is the kind, funny, smart, confident and brave son I raised within a now dead EA marriage. But it’s not my only success and I want him to go on to have many successes both personally and professionally. I’ve never experienced the regret your husband felt

Spikeyball · 06/02/2018 06:11

I didn't have any real choice - child with severe sn for whom there is no childcare - so it isn't something to think about.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 06/02/2018 06:34

MissMouse The difference is 40p? I feel you are overstating the impact nursery workers have. There are many forces at play in those formative years that shape a child, including genetics. I’ve only once a parent reference the impact a nursery worker has had in a child’s development in the same way they do a teacher, long after the event and this was a child who had one on one care due to physical disabilities. Both contributions are valued but in general the impact of one is much greater in the longer term.

Bluntness100 · 06/02/2018 07:54

More professional women would be able to work and spend time with their children if society valued their contribution properly and was prepared to arrange work in a much more flexible way

And we are back to thr every day sexism. Just women right? Because that's our place? In the home looking after our babies? Not men? They shouldn't be given flexibility to stay home and spend time with the kids?