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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
Beetlejizz · 05/02/2018 22:05

Except in this thread. Not that he seems at all desirous of exercising it.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:05

Bluntness - don't be ridiculous - where on earth did I say that.

CookieDoughKid · 05/02/2018 22:07

I worked 7 years out of 10 now that my daughter is 10 years old.

Simply out, my dh felt too much pressure being the sole breadwinner. So I share responsibility in this and earn a wage so that my dh doesn't feel the weight of world on his shoulders.

I don't think I could deal with being the sole bread winner and controversially I think many many women wouldn't cope so they prefer to stay at home and raise their children. Being a sahm is hard but if I am being honest to myself, I dI'd it because I knew I'd be much happier at home.

HanaK88 · 05/02/2018 22:08

I've always been a sahm, I've loved this time in my life being around for my children. I would like to work at some point, maybe when my youngest is at school, but I wouldn't change having this time at home.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 22:08

Miss mouse, suggest you read your own posts "Bluntness I don't think you can really talk about other people's sexism when you clearly don't value a woman's right to choose how she raises her children".

Confused can you really not remember what you wrote moments ago?

CookieDoughKid · 05/02/2018 22:09

That's my opinion not based on any fact just based on my friendship group of sahm mums who quite frankly feel too daunted to hold back to work. But they all married well so it's a luxury choice they have.

NataliaOsipova · 05/02/2018 22:10

Vashna I agree. I've said this before, but I think women (or, probably better put, family units) fall into three groups:

  1. Those who can afford not to work (i.e. rich people. Often means long hours, high stress jobs for those who do work)
  2. Those who can't afford not to work (most middle class people. House price rises mean families often need two incomes just to pay a mortgage and have a reasonable standard of living)
  3. Those who can't afford to work (less affluent people, for whom jobs pay the minimum wage and don't cover the cost of childcare)

.....and it's pretty ridiculous if you're a 1 to opine on the choices of a 2 or 3. Or vice versa. Because you face a different set of choices and challenges. People do what's best for them and their families and, as everyone's circumstances are different, they are uniquely placed to do so. So judging others is pretty pointless.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:11

No Happiness I am saying that positive outcomes for children is the best possible early years experience whether that be with a parent or highly trained early years workers.

And my point about Lizzie is that she is a good role model regardless of her employment status because she has other aspects to her life/personality than her employment status. And working parents are not always "good role models".

CookieDoughKid · 05/02/2018 22:12

And after all the hard work put in, women's lib and rights etc, my friends are inwardly saying to their daughters to marry well as the no.1 priority. Which I do seethe at very quietly.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/02/2018 22:12

Role model,yes completely stacks up.I am demonstrating values & behaviour I hold dear
i have a career
I earn my own money
I am solvent
I have professional qualifications and degrees that I work hard to attain
I have sense of pride in what I do
All of which I demonstrably do,and I hope to imbue these values in my kids
So, yes I’m a role model

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:13

Bluntness - i didn't really think I had to add a caveat that with "so long as all parties agree". If you read my earlier posts, this is clear.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:16

And so Lipstick you are conversely judging other people's choices to raise their children how they see fit and adding to the societal judgements and guilt that you purport to hate, by implying that SAHPs are not good role models.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 22:16

missmouse highly trained early years workers are never as highly trained as university professors, because they don’t need to be. The job is important but not comparable. Your point earlier was that early years workers should be paid the same. It just doesn’t hold

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 22:17

So miss mouse what you're trying to say is you should not have written I don't value a woman's write to chose, but actually meant to write, I don't value parents right to chose together if one of them stays home and which one that will be.

Alrighty then 🤣 but yeah, I value a parents right to chose together,

rupertpenryswife · 05/02/2018 22:21

Not read the whole thread as is rather long now,do I wish I could be a SAHM possibly! was I able to do it financially NO!! My DH did not earn enough to support us both and the DC, pension etc (live in SE) my career would have suffered but I felt guilty and pulled in so many directions, I hated myself and my work.

Having said that by working I have had a promotion and am well respected in my career this would not have been possible with a career break, plus, I kept my pension and my DC know that to get anywhere today you need to work. I apologise if I upset some SAHM it's not I intention just facts for me. I feel awful when i see these threads saying why have kids if you can't look after them. We don't all have this choice.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:21

Incidentally - I was a SAHP for a number of years.

I have a career
I earn my own money
I am solvent
I have professional qualifications and degrees that I worked hard to achieve and maintain.

My children know that I worked before them, they know that I went to university, they know that I re-trained whilst providing child care for them, they know that I now work.

It seems our situations are really not that different.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:23

Brilliant Bluntness we are in agreement about families choosing what is best for them.

Vashna · 05/02/2018 22:24

There are good role models in all walks of life, doing all kinds of things all over the place. Give us a rest with the "good role model" nonsense. As long as you're a genuine and decent person and you love your kids, then you're a good role model to them - whether you work in Tesco, stay at home or or are out solving world poverty in a global scale. It's the person you are that makes you a good role model, not your job spec.

ohthelights · 05/02/2018 22:24

I only work a couple of hours a week, so I don't really consider myself a worker! I feel I'm a SAHM. I would absolutely do it again. Working through my offspring's childhood is incomprehensible to me. I need to be with my son.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/02/2018 22:25

No mouse,I’m not judging others I’m benchmarking what’s important to me
What matters is what I do,what is of significance to me.as I said it’s important
I have a career
I earn my own money
I am solvent
I have professional qualifications and degrees that I work hard to attain
I have sense of pride in what I do
All of which I demonstrably do,and I hope to imbue these values in my kids

I was raised in a single parent home,poor,always just getting by
My mum gave me following great advice
get a good job
dont financially rely on a partner. Have my own money
have some just in case funds

I’ll pass this onto my kids

arghh21 · 05/02/2018 22:27

stealth

My friends all earn good salaries too, they are doctors, accountants, lawyers, etc . A few have husbands who work 4 days a week and in my situation my DH works for a smaller private company so can work from home and has flexi hours but earns a bit less. We have actually been discussing him taking a sabbatical to spend more time with kids and hobbies. I take your point though but there always seems to be a narrative on these threads that "woman" only work because of financial need. Some of us really do like it.

Vashna · 05/02/2018 22:27

Bluntness - it goes without saying that if you are a SAHM your DH also prefers it that way. Otherwise, how would the set-up work exactly?

Stillnotready · 05/02/2018 22:29

lipstick that’s great, well done, but just think for a moment how you would define yourself as a role model if life dealt you a curve ball, and suddenly you got seriously sick, or heaven forbid, had to become a full time carer for your child or partner?
your own definition of being a role model is awkwardly narrow

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 22:29

Vashna I like to give my child aspirational role models over and above being a decent loving person. The latter is a given.

motherofyorkies · 05/02/2018 22:29

I was a SAHP for many years. While I loved the time with my children, I don't think it really worked out very well for me

My DD doesn't have children yet, but she plans on returning to her career when she does, and I support her 100%.