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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
ChoudeBruxelles · 05/02/2018 21:32

No. Going back to work part time kept me sane and I was a better mum to ds when I was with him. I found long hours with just me and baby him really dull and hard work. I loved being with him but babies/toddlers are not the most riveting company

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/02/2018 21:35

I completely had it in me to leave kids in nursery,had place booked when 3mth pg
FT return to work,Completely had it in me,as did my dp.except no one quizzed him why
Sure I miss school stuff and it’s really not a biggie.doesnt define me
And whenever anyone does the face I ask them where their dp is?..working they say
Ahh same as me then,except they don’t get the face when they’re not at events

Stillnotready · 05/02/2018 21:37

Who has said you should feel guilty lipstick ?
I always made sure I kept sight of ‘ me’ when I was a SAHM
It is surely the way of madness to define oneself just by what we do, rather than what we are, our values, interests and passions.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2018 21:37

". We are in London & our DHs all earn a good wage so many of us chose to work"
I find it depressing that the men by default are the ones that need to financially provide with the women deciding whether or not they fancy working.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2018 21:38

And the pp who said she didn't have children for someone else to raise them... But your oh obviously did.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 21:39

Agree with lipstick and I think my daughter respects me more because of my career. I find the younger generation out of earshot of their mothers say they don't understand why they don't work. It's all "she doesn't do anything, she just looks after the house". I doubt they say it to their mothers faces though. Kids are little for such a short time, but the,parenting journey is a long one. They also grow up and question it.

And no, I have never heard anyone ask a man if they felt guilty working. It's ridiculous every day sexism to ask a woman, and it's generally just a little pointed barb by somone who gave up. A man never asks thay question of a woman.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 21:41

Lipstick Can you show me anywhere on this thread where anyone has said WOHps should be guilty about their choices?

Than can you read Lizzies post and explain again how SAHPs are not being good role models.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 21:43

MissMouse I don’t think anyone needs evidence to understand that quality early years care is key to positive outcomes in life, and that in the main is provided by parents in the home, whether those parents work or not. That care produces a rounded individual who will hopefully make a valuable contribution. But it does not produce an engineer, doctor, lawyer, accountant etc

Lizzie48 · 05/02/2018 21:44

Thank you for the encouraging words, @MissMouseMcPhee it's been a rough ride at times but the one thing I would want to be most of all is a role model to my 2 DDs. It's my biggest responsibility.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 21:44

Bluntness I don't think you can really talk about other people's sexism when you clearly don't value a woman's right to choose how she raises her children.

Batteriesallgone · 05/02/2018 21:50

Ah yes, of course, the key to the traditional undervaluing of cleaning, childcare, and other home based activities is to outsource the jobs to (mostly female) low paid workers while you go to work. Thus proving that women, too, can benefit from the low paid labour of women. Just make sure you’re one of the traditionally-male-pathways career workers not a nursery worker, or a teacher, or nurse, or cleaner, or any other of those silly traditionally-female jobs that are so unimportant. Play The Game kids, don’t question the rules.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 21:50

What makes Lizzie a fantastic role model is her charitable work, which she did when she was both working full time and when she was at home with her daughters. Her being a great role model is unconnected to her employment status

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 21:51

Where,did I say that I didn't value a woman's right to chose? Stop being so defensive.

Do I think it's a bad idea to stay home and give up work. If that's what you mean then. Yup. You're spot on. Do I think women have the right to chose. Yup. Do I think men have the right to chose, yup to thay too. I don't know why you seem to think it's only a woman that has that right,

. Do I think either gender should do it? Nope not unless circumstances force it. But hey it's their right. Male or female. So stop with the sexist crap.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 21:53

Unfortunately Happy it is not provided for in the home as much as you might expect and as much as we all wish it was (not anything to do with working parents as an aside) - hence the importance for well trained, well paid early years workers. This will never happen though because cheaper childcare is more of a priority than quality childcare. University only benefits a select few of our children, whereas early years is universal - get that right and we might see more children gaining access to university to become those doctors, lawyers, engineers.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 21:55

Actually scrub that, I don't actually think either gender has a right to chose. What and their partner is forced to pay for them, they have no choice? Because they have a "right".bullshit.

So no, I don't think either a man or a woman has a "right" to chose. It's a joint decision to be made by both parties, there is no automatic right bestowed on either gender.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 21:55

And with regards to Lizzie - that was exactly my point. Women (indeed any human being) don't have to be in paid employment to be good role models to their children.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/02/2018 21:56

Who has said I should feel guilty?its a default position for many people
mn recently had a prominent blog about mum guilt
It’s in the media,people asked if I was guilty. platitudes like must be sooo hard(it isn’t)
Subject to a level of scrutiny & judgement that men aren’t exposed to
Interestingly,only other women have been critical,commented & done the face

blackteasplease · 05/02/2018 21:56

I might be a sahm I'd had a different husband (now ex).

Or I'd get an employed job rather the self employed before ttc and try to go part time.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 21:57

Bluntness - I'm finding it quite hard to follow your argument. So no parent should have the right to choose to provide child care for their own child?

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2018 21:59

O think the point is that the focus is always on a woman's right to choose. Which is assuming the man will work ft, because that's what men do you know.

Vashna · 05/02/2018 22:00

If you earn £50k and your DH earns £70k, you probably wouldn't be a SAHM long-term because it would have a significant impact in your living standards and living off his sole income would be financially restrictive in comparison.

Often in the long-term SAHM situation this is what happens - you may earn say, £50k, but your DH earns ten times that or millions. So your perspective changes. You may decide that your job is suddenly not as important, defining or critical to your "self-esteem" as you thought.

So when people compare experiences on here, it's pointless because they are not comparing like with like.

To have a parent SAH long term (i.e. once DC are in school). you have to be able to afford it - easily. Otherwise, it wouldn't happen. Like anything else, it comes down to money. Nobody would opt to SAH long-term if it meant their DC would go without or the family would struggle.

At the other end of the scale, there are women who can't afford to work. There are some families who make sacrifices because their children have additional needs, but for the most part, women who stay at home do it because they can afford it, they are suited to it and their DH's are fully on board and prefer it that way. It really is as simple as that.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 22:02

No I think it is a joint decision to be made by both parties.

A father cannot say to a mother, right I'm giving up work to look after the kids, you will now be sole earner, there will be no discussion. This is my right,

A mother cannot say to a father, right I'm giving up work to look after the kids, you will now be the sole earner, there will be no discussion, this is my right,

For me, when parents live together and are co parenting it's a joint decision. Neither has a god given right to decide to stay home without agreement from the other. I find it bizzare you think they do.

MissMouseMcPhee · 05/02/2018 22:03

Lipstick I couldn't agree more about societal judgement on mothers, whether it be for formula feeding, breast feeding, working, staying at home, or parking within five fecking miles of the school gate. Which is why it is such a shame that people can't listen to other people's experiences, or describe their own without adding value judgements like -

"Why have children if you are not going to raise them"

and

"I want my children to have a good role model"

This is sad because neither of these statements hold any water and all they serve to do is alienate and perpetuate the "mum guilt" that causes all so much grief.

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2018 22:04

And yes to stealths comment, it is always about the woman's right to chose. You seldom see anyone say the man has that right.

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 05/02/2018 22:05

So MissMouse you’re saying the key to more children achieving more is for kids to all go to quality nursery as opposed to staying at home with the SAHP?? And the point re Lizzie is not really relevant as she’s not a role model because she stays at home, she’s going something extraordinary