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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 08/02/2018 21:37

My dh loved being the only person earning, his work is his life and he'll never retire.
It's not really something you retire from.
He believes he has been selfish putting his career above family, but I disagree as he has always done more than his share of domestics, raising kids and of course most of the night feeds for 3 dc Grin
It's worked well for us, but for plenty it wouldn't.
But we are one example of the man not feeling put upon by being the sole earner.

g1itterati · 08/02/2018 21:49

Well my DH is a workaholic, frankly, so yes he's done very well for us as he promised me he would and he's done what set out to do and more, but my god, he never stops and there's nothing anyone can do about it. No concept of working hours - just does what he needs to do as and when. He's been known to fly off for a day or two in the middle of holidays. Working evenings at home is standard. I agree with a pp above who said when you're with a man like this, it limits your options somewhat. Somebody has to keep the balance for the DC and that was me! In 15 years we've never discussed me going back to work. I honestly don't think it's ever crossed his mind.
He's a fantastic dad in many ways. He has his eye always on the future - trust funds for the DC, etc while my focus is on the here and now. Everything he does is for the family, but the truth is also, he doesn't know how to stop. There are lots of men like this. Most of his friends are the same tbh. For me and the kids it's normal because we've never known anything else.

Tatie3 · 08/02/2018 21:54

I'm a SAHM but I'm a childminder too, I'd like it much better if I didn't feel so taken for granted and underappreciated. I rather resent my husband who gets to go out to work and feel important and successful.

gillybeanz · 08/02/2018 21:57

glitterati

My dh is very similar and is always working, but it doesn't seem like work to him.
He's always been his own person, never had an employer, not sure he could cope if he had set hours.
I loved the fact he was at home so much, but agree you need a constant for when they aren't there.

g1itterati · 08/02/2018 22:12

gilly - yes mine is also self-employed and he's never really not working because it's how his mind works. I don't think he knows any other way to be. Its always "the next thing." On holidays it takes him at least a week to switch off, but he is getting better in recent years. He thrives in it all like oxygen. Just as well so never had a huge desire to go back to work really.

g1itterati · 08/02/2018 22:13

"I never had" - sorry on phone.

MelanieSmooter · 08/02/2018 22:30

I don’t regret it for a second and I’ve recently returned to work on a higher level than when I left, 8 years ago. I walked into the job tbh and it’s perfect. I still do school pick ups and I’m home for all the holidays.

OrangeSamphire · 08/02/2018 22:36

Neither me nor my husband would ever choose to be a SAHP. It just isn’t in our psyches.

And that’s from the perspective of having two children with health issues, one severely disabled.

Being frank, I don’t get what one would do all day unless seeking out voluntary opps, community projects etc which in my mind is work ( albeit unpaid ) and therefore that is how you define yourself - you’re no longer a SAHP.

We enjoy full lives with rewarding careers that engage and inspire us. Perhaps if we had more mundane, unfulfilling or inflexible work and lacked ability to change that, being a SAHP might have some appeal. I’d always be looking for projects to get involved in though. I struggle to imagine just being a SAHP, doing housework, school runs and what else?

gillybeanz · 08/02/2018 22:38

glitterati

We have grown up dc and dd aged 14, the older ones have paid for a family holiday to Italy, for me, dd, themselves and partners.
Guess who is staying home as can't miss his work, it's a busy time to be fair Grin

Landed · 08/02/2018 22:39

100% yes. See so many SAHDs now it would be good to hear their views. Years ago I asked DH quite often if he wanted to swap but secretly was hoping he didn't. As a team it keeps working for us. If I had family nearby who could have helped I would have gone part time if they wanted to share responsibility.. it does help having "a village to raise a child" and can be a positive thing for a child... Family can be important but it really isn't "one size fits all".

LittleKiwi · 09/02/2018 01:32

I think in an ideal world, DP and I would both have flexible, well-paid and worthwhile jobs such that we could split everything equally.

As it turned out, DP earned more, with much more career potential for less effort than I did when we had children. Neither of our jobs were at all flexible. So it made good sense for me to give up work and for DP to continue working. This split has paid off for us financially. Luckily the set up suited us both, although of course the pressure of being the main breadwinner weighed on DP, mostly in how difficult it was to switch between “work” and “home” modes and he did/does feel sad to have missed a lot of the kids’ growing up. For me, I did miss work and work friends and being at home full time isn’t easy, but I loved being able to spend so much time with the children.

One comment on the PPs: to hint darkly that SAHMs are more likely to be cheated on is misogynistic bullshit. No woman is responsible for her husband’s bad behaviour.

LittleKiwi · 09/02/2018 01:33

Sorry! Didn’t answer the question. Yes would be a SAHM again. Suited me, being at home wouldn’t have suited DP. Worked for us.

Dozer · 09/02/2018 07:00

There are not “so many” SAHDs, the number/proportion is still tiny.

SweatLikeAPigLookLikeAPig · 09/02/2018 09:45

I battle with whether going back to work was a good idea and largely I do think it was right to go back. I had a year maternity and then went back 4 days. It's well paid, but I'm away overnight 2-3 times a week every week and that's what I struggle with, the nights away from my DS who is three now. I have a huge amount of guilt for not being there in the evenings to put him to bed or to get him ready for nursery in the mornings.

My work gives us the opportunity to do more as a family and I'm securing our future too but the guilt gnaws away at me. A lot of my friends are SAHM or part time workers to fit around their childcare and I know they disapprove of my work arrangements. They can't understand how I can bear to be away from my DS overnight, week in, week out.

I adore my son but work fulfils me in a different way. I think being a working mum makes me a better mum to our DS. I value every minute we are together and it's quality time. That being said, the guilt sits underneath! And yet, it still seems perfectly acceptable for dads to work away for extended periods as they are doing what's best for their family. Well so am I!

AmberTopaz · 09/02/2018 13:30

Regarding the question about our own parents, both mine worked full-time (my mum was a SAHM when I was little but went back to work when I was 5yo) and I’m glad they did. They were loving devoted parents, and both me and my brother have a good work ethic and a great relationship with our parents.

I’m very glad to have the opportunity to work part time myself though. I didn’t suffer as the child, but I think it was hard work for them.

Blueink · 09/02/2018 17:12

Following this thread, I asked my DD whether she would have preferred me to have SAH rather than go out to work she said “no of course not, I think it’s ridulous some people’s mums don’t work - why should the dad work and not the mum?”
Both my parents worked. The only time I would change is my mum going out to work in the evenings (til after 10pm) when I was a teenager.

G120810 · 09/02/2018 18:02

I don't regret it as me and partner planned all our kids and I chose the right person to spend the rest of my life with we didn't have kids to pay stupid prices on child care as you are working to pay this it doesn't make sense I'm not judging but alot of people have kids very young really early in relationship and they none of them are financially stable so both have to say some did it like me but wanted to work it's a choice sometimes it falls apart and they are single parent and don't have a choice either everyone is different we aren't rich but my partner worked his trade since 16 and was on good wages so u could stay at home my kids are in school and I will maybe work in future but I may not

Deidre21 · 09/02/2018 21:35

Agree Janus

Deidre21 · 09/02/2018 21:38

Tatie3 omg, your job is important you’re responsible for little peoples lives - such an important role that many successful people couldn’t do and would / could find their demanding jobs easy compared to what you do.

Deidre21 · 09/02/2018 21:43

Agree orangesticker - quite true

oliviapopeswineglass · 09/02/2018 22:40

For me yes, I have been fortunate to experience both sides of the coin. Working full time and child in nursery from three months and SAHP for second for 12 years ( due to an overseas move)
What is right for you and your family is all that is important.
There are no do overs so enjoy what you decide to do and don't fret about it.

Grobagsforever · 10/02/2018 07:14

@G120810 have you any idea how ridiculous you sound? 'I choose the right person' - so many people believe this. And they are not all young or stupid, just unlucky that their marriages didn't survive

I choose the right person too @G120810. We met at university and waited ten years to have children, into a stable home and we both good careers. I did everything 'right' but unfortunately cancer had other ideas and DH died aged 35 while I was pregnant with DD2. Thankfully I had my own career to fall back on.

Grow a bloody brain and realise you're just as vulnerable as the rest of us.

yearofthehorse · 10/02/2018 09:10

I kept my highly paid career going through my first two but was very stressed and unhappy. Became SAHM for next 3, then worked from home when youngest started school and moved onto a 3 day a week boring job for a couple of years. I return to rewarding full time work in a few weeks but couldn't return to my original career without retraining.

I feel like I've got away with it by the skin of my teeth and while I loved my SAHM time, I have been lucky not have found myself unemployed and lonely. It's easy to forget in that rush of hormonal love that there is more to life than looking after your kids.

orangesticker · 10/02/2018 09:12

Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. This has not been the case for my sil, who recently divorced her husband - OP what country are you in?

Thirtyrock39 · 10/02/2018 09:44

My mum was a sahm till I was about 10. She was so much happier when she went back to work and has been a very good example of a working parent as she was pretty miserable at home and a much better parent for having the fulfilment of work...I do remember when she went back to work the idea of it was upsetting though as I was used to her always being around. We were lucky enough to have a brilliant nanny so things were actually better as we were still at home, parents had quite a bit of money suddenly and my mum was so much more content and we had real quality time at weekends, evenings