To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

but financially of course you are reliant on a partner

And so are a lot of couples with children where both are working, if there isn't enough money to go round to support two homes in the event of a divorce.

I think what all the very different responses on this thread shows is that there is no one right way. We are all different and we all function in our own unique way. We all have different ambitions, needs, circumstances and we do what works for us and out families. I think we should all try to support each others decisions, and not judge others for their choices. The whole WOHM/SAHM debate can get very emotional and unpleasant on here (and in RL). We all feel guilty about our choices sometimes but we should never make others feel guilty about theirs.

I have been a SAHM for almost 5 years. It's the most tiring and relentless job I've ever had, but there are so many moments of utter joy. These have definitely been the most precious days of my life. Things are tight for us financially and I do feel uncomfortable being dependent on my OH,so in this respect I'm looking forward to the next stage of our lives.

I have just been offered a very part time job doing something I know I will love and, if anything, it's a step up from my previous job. This came out of the blue and I wasn't expecting it. I feel hopeful that it will lead to other good opportunities, but I intend to stay part time for the next few years.

Similarly to others, I have seen this very much as one of many stages of my life. It feels natural to me that different parts of my life and identity come into focus at different life stages. Being a SAHM has been a very enriching experience. I completely understand that it wouldn't be for everyone, but I feel grateful and privileged to have been able to make the right choice for me.

My mum worked when I was a child and I absolutely hated it. All my friends had sahm. I'm incredibly lucky now I'm a single mum and work self employed so my daughter does one day a week in nursery and one with my mum. If I need to do a quick job around 1-2 hours I'll take her with me. I think her day at nursery is great for her and me too. I'll absolutely be doing more work the older she gets but it's really important to me that I'm there to collect her from school and has been a factor in how I created my employment long before she was even born.

I also never saw myself financially reliant on my dh.
Childcare would have taken one salary anyway, so financially it was saving money.
It's a no brainer when your job doesn't make you a profit. If it was a business it would be classed as failing and you'd give it up as a loss.

Babbity, that's really interesting, I hadn't considered how much change there has been going back a few generations to when women were privileged to have a career after marriage.

There's a bit of middle class bias in the 'mothers traditionally stayed at home, fathers were the breadwinners' narrative.

For working class families it was quite normal for both parents to work - extended families & siblings took care of the younger kids.

Absolutely, Faith.

Today 12:52 gillybeanz

“I also never saw myself financially reliant on my dh.
Childcare would have taken one salary anyway, so financially it was saving money.
It's a no brainer when your job doesn't make you a profit. If it was a business it would be classed as failing and you'd give it up as a loss”

I disagree that it’s a no brainer. Our childcare bill equates to my salary for a couple of years, so there was no immediate financial gain. However, it meant I continued paying into my occupational pension (which is far better than any private one, and of course the early payments which accrue longest interest are very important) and most important of all, I was able to keep my career going rather than risk having to take a backward step.

I’m not for a moment suggesting this is the ‘right way’ for everyone, as we’re all different. But it’s wrong to make a blanket statement saying it’s a no brainer and to compare paying all your earnings on childcare with a failing business!!

I am afraid that I have not read all your posts as of yet, but will be when get more time.

I have had both sides of the coin as well. First child I had, I was controlled by my ex( as some of you already know) and went back full time 40 hours a week including one Saturday am when DD was 4 months old. Cried myself to sleep a lot about that issue; especially as we didn't need the money.

Divorced; met knew man, warned him that I would not be looking to go to work until child was 2 at least. He agreed. DS was born and i have been a stay at home mum now for 11 years.

Yes I also do sometimes wish i worked part time when he was younger, but I love being a housewife. Although I will get slammed on here for saying that. I'm very traditionalist.

Now son will be starting secondary school, I am looking at lower paid part time work, nothing like the money I was on before. Yes I have the qualifications to step back into training and full time work quite quickly, but I want a work/ Life balance.

Maybe because I am a child of a single parent (widowed) I was a latch key child at 11.

You have to do whats best for you and stop; or at least try to not beat yourself up about the choices you make. Its all very well having hindsight, but it is no good for your mental health.

Babbity

I'm also not saying our way was the best I know we all do what's best for us.
It's just that's the way I saw it, others obviously see it differently or we'd all be giving up work when it didn't pay to work.
For us it was a no brainer as no way would I work for nothing, and tbh unless you're earning megga bucks even when dc start school you can be just as badly off if you have to cover school holidays and wraparound care.
This was the reason I didn't feel financially dependant on dh, as he was just as financially dependant on me. It would have cost him most of his wage if he had to have paid for childcare.
Instead I was there during the day/ night whenever he wasn't so it saved us a full wage for a long time.

So it’s irrelevant to compare it with a failing business. That’s a totally different thing. A failing business isn’t a long term investment in a career

Babbity

Of course it is, if you have a career in business , if it's not making money, your career has gone.
Anyway, it was how we looked at it and that was why I chose not to work.
Personally, I couldn't go to work everyday for even a week knowing I wasn't making a profit, but we're all different and see things in different ways.

Also v long time lurker!

Oh my god this post is long! TLDR they say at work! But it was great to get on paper and I hope it will help the OP.

I’ve made lots of mistakes & it’s not always easy but I am confident I will have no regrets. I had a shitty start in life but luck has also been on my side too so I agree with previous posters it’s about making the most of the situation your in.

OP - I think it is impossible to answer this question without considering your own personal situation with respect to the following

Your finances and careers to date:
Your partner and your relationship:
Your options for childcare:
Your personality traits and skill set:
Your hopes for number of children and age gaps:
Your sense of Identity:

Ultimately what do you want to achieve in life? Given you circumstances what are you prepared to possibly give up and what do you want to prioritise?
And what in your circumstances do you believe would be best for your child / any future children?

The only thing that is certain is that if you choose to spend time as a SAHM you will have more hours available in your lifetime to spend with your children. This could be good or bad for them and/or you, there is no judgement in this statement.

And if you choose not to SAHM, you will have more hours available in your lifetime for work or a career.

Everything else is entirely dependent on your very specific circumstances, beliefs, values and personality traits.

There are hundreds of different ways that being a SAHM or working parent can look. Yes there are cliches but you don’t necessarily have to be one.

My personal situation is that I am a SAHM who would rather cut of my own arm off than join the PTA, go to baby and toddler groups or move out of my city for a village or suburb (unless v wealthy this requires obvious sacrifices but I am happy with my choices). If you believe in or love any of that, great. It’s just that I happen not to.

I love spending time with my children, and I find it intellectually more challenging and rewarding that anything I have previously dabbled in including software development and finance, which I would also hate to do now. But of course there are times they drive me nuts!! - colleagues can obviously do this too. And there are parts of the job that I enjoy more than others (same would be true of work)

I have zero extra time for volunteering or studying at the moment as my job is full on and to date always has been, 4 children under 8 and I work hard to carve out one on one time etc and try not to let their number get in the way of quality time spent. They are my world but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometime prioritise myself and I definitely wouldn’t let my hair go grey!
If there becomes a time when I have the luxury of time there are hundred of exciting things I could learn about or do paid or unpaid. I do not worry about an empty nest or another life adjustment. If I don’t live long enough for that to happen I’ll be gutted but won’t have any regrets as I’m doing what’s most important to me first.

Being a SAHM has been an incredible personal journey for me (currently 8 yrs in), that I would never have experienced had I stayed employed. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done but I am more skilled, confident, and have a much greater sense of identity that is neither tied specifically to my kids or my career. Being a SAHM does not automatically equal a loss of self worth and identity. I had quite low self esteem before (even though on paper I would have been considered a great success to date) but now I feel like I could kick ass and tackle anything! So I don’t care about ticking the unemployed box.

For me I think I am closer to my children for it (totally get that others may be closer if they work). But what really matters to me is how much I am helping to shape them and grow as people. It doesn’t matter to me whether they will remember how much of it was me or not.

I share all household admin equally with my husband, (he does all washing for example and I do food). We both work 60hr plus weeks before including this stuff so we divide equally.
Some may see us as a very old fashioned and I am not setting a good example to my children about equal rights, female rights etc. Personally I believe that we are quietly teaching our children that there are more ways to skin a cat and life is a bit less black and white than that. I don’t believe working or not is the only way to show your children that they can live life free of gender constraints. I want to teach them to think out of the box about their lives so they have more choices. An insistence on financial independence over all other things can actually be more limiting not less. Open mindedness is what I want for them.

I am also significantly financially better off than if I had gone back to work, as are my children. My husband and I met young, when neither was earning much (and roughly the same) and we both had families who couldn't help financially or with childcare. We are 100% a team in everything we do. We both genuinely believe we have jointly earnt everything and this is reflected in our finances. There is no way he could have had the career he has so far if we prioritised both careers equally. The net sum would have been less. There is not a single account, asset / investment (sadly not loads of those) that is not joint. Clearly rare as we had to ask 4 high street banks before we found one who would accommodate this. Of course I am dependant on him making a success of his life and he on me making a success of mine. We believe we can do better together and do not value being financially independent of each other. If god forbid he died we have arranged life insurance. Those who are divorced may think I am an idiot. But I genuinely think my children will be financially better off in the case of a split and that I would be, versus me having stayed at work. And I am willing to bet my life on us lasting the course otherwise I wouldn’t have got married in the first place. We both have very strong & similar beliefs on marriage and life goals regarding family, that are probably key to the chances of our set up being successful.

(Incidentally my mother was a SAHM, an awful one who ought to have been picked up by social services. She is also screwed financially partly due to divorce but also her own choices and inadequacies. I strive to be everything she was not but I am not letting the fear of becoming her stop me making the right life choices for myself.)

We also enjoy lots of interesting discussions about both my ‘work’ and his, as I spent a few short years in his industry so understand the basics and he can explain the rest. He also values what I do and is interested to learn about it and wants to understand what’s going on with the kids as much as possible. Big decisions both at work and home are always made jointly.

This is obviously one very unique situation. Life is very hard work for us both. And like almost every person on the planet I wish there was a bit more time and a bit more money but I am happy, my kids are happy and my husband is happy.

Do what is most likely to create happiness for your unique little family and thank you for starting such a good discussion (and in AIBU too!) which prompted me to get this down on paper.

Guess a lot depends on whether your only reason for working is to make an immediate weekly profit!

Any work which is creative, intellectually stimulating, essential to society etc etc is likely to be about a lot more than that. (And yes of course I know we all do creative and stimulating stuff outside of a career too- I’m talking about as well as, not instead of!!)

GotHandsFull

what a fantastic post.

I agree.

x

DH and I earned roughly the same when we married. By the time we had DD, I (by dint of the industry I worked in) earned more. He was moving into a role that was more flexible and child-care friendly, whereas mine was ratcheting up to more travel, longer hours etc. Additionally, my company was restructuring whilst I was on ML, and so as not be be side-lined, I took only 3 month's maternity leave and then went back to work. He was working full time too but was around slightly more than I was to do the pick-ups - I did the drop-offs as DD's nursery was on my work-site. I dropped her off (and shed a few little tears the first week)

Anyway, my career moved on in leaps and bounds (money-wise). DH's work was never going to earn the same, so gradually he moved into more child-friendly roles, with school hours or flexible working patterns, until he eventually set up his own businesses. He can comfortably do the school runs, and I now WFH one or two days a way, when I take over those drop-offs and pick ups.

With hindsight I think I should have taken more maternity leave, or DH taken more paternity leave, but we did what we did. DD is very close to both of us. When I used to travel more, DH and I made sure we were regularly in touch with DD via Skype and face-time. She is proud of my (and DH's) achievements, and is very close to us both (honestly, probably more to DH than me as they share so many interests). I don't regret our choices, as we have created a good life for us all. I look back now and I think my drive comes from my mother, who was both a SATM (when dad worked - usually in other cities, so away for all week) and a WFHM, with her night jobs in the house (button making and the like) when we all went to bed. They always struggled to earn money as both were young and on low wages. But my education (that they were determined I would have - grammar school kid) meant I could earn a lot more, and I suppose I felt that they strived so hard for us to have a better life that I had to do the same for my family - and luckily DH and I have managed that between us.

Sorry for the long post.

Never been able to afford to be a SAHM although I would have loved it. But that could be because I've never had a career I have really loved. It may be politically incorrect but I urge my DDs to marry as well as they can so they have the CHOICE of whether they want to work or not. I hope they may end up in awesome careers they love and they are their future partners can share the childcare. What's that old adage - find a job you really love and you never have to work a day in your life. I have long envied those mums who have the choice.

You see the ‘marry as well as you can’ advice for daughters seems dreadful to me. I’d rather my dd and ds married someone they love and want to build life

thriftymrs- I agree, I don't think love is always the best reason to marry.

This debate always makes me think of the inimitable Nancy Mitford; her view (via one of her characters) was "If you're going to marry for money, make sure it's for big money". This always makes me chuckle.

It's an interesting discussion and good to hear different insights. I chose to stay in full time work for a range of reasons but do fear at times that I have missed something I will regret in not bring at home for those early years. At the same time I accept that and the fact that we made the best choices we could for our family in the round. Taking five years out would have killed my career completely and whilst I sometimes hate my job I also love it and the fact that it stretches and challenges me in different ways. I also like the balance in my relationship and the financial benefits. But there's no doubt it comes at a cost (to me - I don't think my children have lost out as it happens).

Natalia . Whats the other saying? Marry for money you earn every penny.

Personally am a hopeless gold digger. DH laughed his head off when he found out I had refused a date with another guy at the place we both worked and chosen to go out with (then marry) Dh instead. The other man is the only son of one of the richest and most established families in England. Still would have picked DH though

Whats the other saying? Marry for money you earn every penny.

Yes, that's another good 'un

A job/career is one measure of success. There is more to luff than working and there’s also more to life than having/raising kids

Ah, marrying well. What does that mean? Because if your daughters marry someone rich, odds are that person will be working pretty hard to earn that money, and that might actually restrict some of their partner's choices. It isn't necessarily as simple as marry more money get more options. Depends what you want to do. If you want a partner who does their share on the home front, you might do better with someone who earns less!