Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:
Happydoingitjusttheonce · 08/02/2018 18:36

Marry for money you earn every penny.

So true, have known a few women in this position.

Maireadplastic · 08/02/2018 18:43

'Do you pay for sex?'
'Not with money.....'

SummerSazz · 08/02/2018 18:46

Wineandroses I agree with you. My mum went to grammar school, clearly intelligent and was a high flying PA to an MD (the only other job on offer post school was teacher and she didn't fancy that!). She was 'let go' when pg with my sister in 1970 and subsequently went back to work but a much lower grade. She helped pay for the house, living expenses etc and then all her salary paid for me to go to Uni.

I guess I feel a 'debt' to her for all her sacrifices so I could do well. And as a latchkey child I never felt unloved or missing out.

I met DH and we were earning the same money - I left a professional role after dc2 as couldn't accommodate PT (financial crisis was hitting). I stayed at home mainly but contracted 2/3 days a week here and there for 2 years and for the last year was full sahm. I didn't like. It contributing and the pressure DH felt on his shoulders as sole earner was horrid. I wouldn't want that pressure so why would I expect DH to take it on?

When dc2 went to school I found a professional role - earning less than I had 3 years previously but good prospects.

5 years on, I now out earn DH and work 4 days a week (1 from home) and he does one from home.

Have I got the holy grail? No. I end up doing way more than 5 days and with no family or nanny, life is a constant set of jusggling baalls. But, DC are happy and thriving (could read and write before school despite my pt work Hmm)

We are all doing the best we can imo. I just want financial independence, make my mum proud for her sacrifices and hard work and enjoy my dc.

Interestingly today dd1 had a doctors appointment and DH was wfh whilst I was working 100 miles away. Surgery tried to canx it by ringing my mobile number (which I've got rid of) but didn't try my DH whose correct number they did have. Why is that I wonder?

Societal norms played out right there....

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/02/2018 19:01

Job/ career is measure of success I see women use on mn re their partner
Usually followed by explanation of how his salary funds sahm,and kids
Violin,mandarin,pony,dance and enriching activities

orangesticker · 08/02/2018 19:09

I'm conflicted. I'm glad I've stayed at home for my kids, I feel it was needed and I didn't enjoy my job so it didn't feel like I was giving up a lot. I was madly in love and we were full of dreams. Dh has been amazing in every way - but what a risk I took, it was stupid and reckless but it worked out. Do it again, no I would continue working part time. And if I was to be a SAHM I'd insist on paying into my pension as much as dh's.

Babbitywabbit · 08/02/2018 19:16

That’s a fair point lipstick. It’s funny how those same women who wax lyrical about how being home is so much more interesting/ liberating/ amazing than having a career, don’t apply the same judgement to their own partner!

I guess there are some couples who are genuinely blissfully happy having one being high earning sole breadwinner and the other having no career aspirations, but in 2018 one would expect most women and men want more balance in their life.

Having children is amazing. Having a career is amazing. Many couples want to enjoy both- not be pigeonholed into separate roles

NeverTwerkNaked · 08/02/2018 19:22

I would hate to be the sole breadwinner. I wonder how many men feel like that too.

As for “marrying well” I really can’t see the difference between marrying someone for money and prostitution.

confusednotcom2 · 08/02/2018 19:25

I would encourage my sons to marry well too.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/02/2018 19:26

yes Babbity the double standards of 😥face that mum isn’t at sport day etc
However,no,no their dp can’t come he’s got work and important stuff on

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 08/02/2018 19:28

Very good point lipstick and Babbity Smile

speakout · 08/02/2018 19:28

There are many reasons to marry apart from love.

I didn't get together with my OH for love.

boboismylove · 08/02/2018 19:31

Am a lone parent so can't afford to work at a loss, but am working part-time night shifts from home after 9 months maternity leave. I don't need childcare, and still get to be with my babe 24/7/ so its lovely.

If people can afford to be SAHM then great, but I would tell a friend to find something, anything to do on the side - eg study part-time distance.

MrsAmaretto · 08/02/2018 19:59

I’ve become a SAHM recently to a 4&8 year old, before that I worked 22hours, used nursery & out of school club (11 miles away from the nursery/school). My dh is away for 4weeks at a time and I have no family help. I took voluntary redundancy.

I am LOVING it. I love the fact I can go to an exercise class when dh is away, I love having time for me, I love that I can do stuff with the kids after school or take them to classes. I’m loving the less frantic pace and I’m getting narky at them less.

I’m very aware though that once my youngest starts school I’m going to have to focus on my career/job again. I like having money! But I’m really not wanting to go back to having 4weeks at a time when all I do is exist for the kids & work - fuck that for a life again.

emmachill · 08/02/2018 20:00

I am finding it difficult to return to the workplace as well despite recent voluntary work and a couple of short term paid contracts several years ago. I didn't have a choice initially in being a sahm as both children prem with ongoing health difficulties. P/t jobs are difficult to come by in my line of work, but determined to find something with perseverance .... hopefully!

orangesticker · 08/02/2018 20:17

It’s funny how those same women who wax lyrical about how being home is so much more interesting/ liberating/ amazing than having a career, don’t apply the same judgement to their own partner! So I didn't find a career that I enjoyed, dh did....so what? Why the need for everyone to follow the same path in life?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/02/2018 20:26

My observation is the hypocrisy of no comment at men who work demanding ft jobs
Plenty comment about women who work demanding ft jobs
Seems it’s ok for men to work,not be at schoolgate,with praise for being hardworking
Women,well it’s the face😥 when they’re not present,no praise for being hardworking

Lovelylovelyladies · 08/02/2018 20:29

To the people saying you can afford it...
We live with very little luxury. We go without a lot so I can be at home.
DH earns £28k a year and we have 3 kids.
It is doable but most people don't want to make the sacrifice.

orangesticker · 08/02/2018 20:29

Personally I don't think it should matter which parent is present, but I think one should be.

Lovelylovelyladies · 08/02/2018 20:49

shinysinkredemption

An interesting question alongside this would be, as a child did you have a SAHM or SAHD or both parents working, and would you have wanted things to be different?

As individual circumstances vary so much I am sure there are happy and unhappy examples of both scenarios, I'm just curious about whether there is a majority view.

I am a SAHM. My mum was a SAHM but when I was 5 my dad committed suicide so after a year of depression she picked herself up and became a childminder. So she was still a SAHM really just with other kids around!

I think I made my decision based on this. Really I just want to be there for my children as a mother and nothing else.

Hakarl · 08/02/2018 20:52

I grew up in a family with a SAHM and a high-earning father who sometimes seemed to work all hours that God sent. I explicitly did not want that for my children. It was lovely having Mum always around, I won't deny it, but it was also really horrible hardly ever seeing Dad. He was rarely home for tea, bath and bedtime, always left for work before we got up. We'd often go Monday to Friday and we'd barely seen him. Even when we were on family holidays he'd be working on and off a lot of the time. I love my Dad but the relationship that we had was absolutely something that I wanted to avoid. It always made me feel that work was the number one priority and we children were a VERY distant second. Children need more from a father than money and an occasional weekend bike ride in my opinion.

I work (well, currently on maternity leave with my second, but going back soon, ) because I want things to be more balanced than they were between my parents. I want both me and my partner to be 'everyday' parents.

I suppose time will tell if I regret it, since my kids are still both very young. And there are probably children of 2 working parents who've chosen to stay home with their kids because they feel they missed out on something as well - I imagine what I feel could easily go both ways!

Babbitywabbit · 08/02/2018 20:58

Today 20:17 orangesticker

“It’s funny how those same women who wax lyrical about how being home is so much more interesting/ liberating/ amazing than having a career, don’t apply the same judgement to their own partner!”

So I didn't find a career that I enjoyed, dh did....so what? Why the need for everyone to follow the same path in life?

No one has said everyone should follow the same path!! Just seems unlikely (particularly in the 21st century) that many people choose to partner someone with radically different expectations and aspirations. Lots of couples meet at uni or in the workplace and have similar levels of education and ability, so there is no logical reason to assume women on a large scale don’t have any interest in a career and men are happy to be sole earner.

Lovelylovelyladies · 08/02/2018 21:09

It’s funny how those same women who wax lyrical about how being home is so much more interesting/ liberating/ amazing than having a career, don’t apply the same judgement to their own partner!”

I do apply the same judgement. He just decided he enjoys grafting more than pottering!

It's not my fault he enjoys the cold wet weather bashing him in the face all day or the burning sun roasting his wrinkles.

Let him get on with it I say. Keeps him happy. Pottering and child rearing keep me happy.

NataliaOsipova · 08/02/2018 21:16

It’s funny how those same women who wax lyrical about how being home is so much more interesting/ liberating/ amazing than having a career, don’t apply the same judgement to their own partner!”

I apply the same judgement too! He'd be the first to say that working is shit - he just earns a lot more money than I did and he really didn't fancy doing all the "young kiddie" stuff that you have to with little ones. In fairness, I do think it's hard for the SAHDs as they are treated (unfairly) as a bit of an oddity; I think it was much easier for me than it would have been for him.

manicmij · 08/02/2018 21:17

Definitely would be ASAHM. Worked palrt time when oldest child was 5, younger 2 (tlwins) then full time when all at school. No child minder or nursery available. Husband worked 3 shift as did I but no night shift so childcare split between us. Had to have separate holidays during school holidays. The daily stress of childcare, little opportunity to do things as a whole family, making sure home for swop over was horrendous at times. Would definitely stay at home. Wouldn't have children in fact. Amazed we survived in tact.

NeverTwerkNaked · 08/02/2018 21:37

An interesting question alongside this would be, as a child did you have a SAHM or SAHD or both parents working, and would you have wanted things to be different?

I had a sahm and I wish she had followed her heart and worked. She did a great job looking after us but she was so much happier once she retrained and had a career when I was in my teens.

We missed out financially on a lot of things too - no holidays abroad, no nice clothing (so I got bullied for that), no help with a house deposit (unlike my friends who had two earning parents, who pretty much all had hefty help to get on the housing ladder). That makes me sound really materialistic, which I am not, but I think these things do matter to children, and there is a balance between time and financial security to be struck.