To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

You’re best placed to know Your next career move.based on skills,preference etc
What are the similar areas you can make a move into
Keep in touch with work folk, plan your re-entry in job market
Think about Afterschool, cm etc for when you're at work,plan that now as cm have waiting lists

Laughing at some of the smug comments on here from SAHMs about their kids starting reception with confident social skills and the ability to read, write and do simple arithmetic. I'm sorry to disappoint, but there are plenty of children of WOHPs who can do all those things as well. You might feel that you've given your child a head start by SAH, but the research doesn't back you up.

Mine are 11 and 13 now so the childcare years are coming to an end. Apart from 9 months maternity with both I have worked part time in various hours and patterns to suit the situation throughout. I did 26 hours at first when they were at nursery and it was easy, then dropped hours down to 21 in their early school years. Now I actually work full time hours but it feels part time because I have two jobs, a school hours one and an evening one.
I have tried to get the best balance between working (money) and being there for them. It has been a monumental juggle, and school holidays have been particularly difficult.
I wouldn't hesitate to recommend being a SAHM if you can. Being able to be there for all school events, being there for pick up and tea time and homework, no school holiday stress all sound marvellous. But I think being a SAHM only works at either end of the scale - if you're husband is rich, or if you are so poor that working doesn't make you any better off. For the squeezed middle work is the only way. I'm proud I've done it and adapted when needed, still annoyed that the sacrifice was all mine, and still well jel of the ones with the relaxed lifestyles at home. Personally if I could have done it, I'd have put worries about returning to work/husband leaving to one side and just enjoy the here and now :-)

I would have loved to be a SAHM or at least worked P/T but financially that wasn’t an option for me. Youngest DS is 5, I do feel like I miss out on things and his relationship with DH is closer than mine (DH works shifts so can do some school runs and has more alone time with him than me). Having said that my career is going well and I think I’m setting a very good example of modern parenting to my DC.

I was a SAHM for 14 years and absolutely loved it. DCs have had a lovely childhood, I've been at the school gate every day, they have had friends home whenever they wanted and I could drive them to every after school activity they have chosen to do. Very fortunate that we didn't need my salary. When the youngest was in year 6 at school, I decided to go back to work, retrained for 6 months and landed a great job, part time which is what I wanted. For me, being a SAHM has worked and I would do it all over again, but that's because I managed to get back into my career, I think I have been lucky with timings etc. I could have struggled to go back to work and that might have made me think differently about having been a SAHM. My advice would be to really think about whether it'll be possible to return to your chosen line of work eventually because if not, maybe part time is the answer

I'd have put my foot down with my ex and insisted on taking some unpaid leave in the holidays. Not every day of the holidays, just some so that ds was in holiday club a little less. Although saying that, he enjoyed them so this would have been for me, rather than him.

I took about 13 months off with both DC (due to immigrating back to home country while on maternity leave with first and taking a redundancy package with second). Have worked part-time since having first at 3/3.5/now 4 days per week. Grandparents did 2 days childcare and then used a kindy set up for mornings. Dh managed to drop hours for three months prior to youngest starting school.

I enjoy being part time but I think I would have struggled being a SAHM.

I see people struggling to return after being a SAHM for longer periods although we recently employed a colleague who had been out for about 8 years - however she had been very senior previously and her current role is lower than that.

I think if you plan to be completely out of the workforce for more than 2/3 years you need to expect to return to a lower level role initially (and in some professions may require formal retraining/competency assessment).

I'd be a SAHM again without a shadow of a doubt. The only working mothers I know all have family help which I don't have/wouldn't have had. Extended family doing childcare is a massive factor IMO; it would save £££s and remove the guilt of working if a child is poorly or would be with a childminder in the holidays. If I'd had family to offer free childcare (as some friends have had) I might have chosen differently because (a) working would have seemed feasible and (b) I wouldn't know how much I'd enjoy being a SAHM and how much it would benefit our family.

I have been an unexpected SAHM (clue in my name!) and it has forced me to completely re-evaluate my life and how I view the future. I am poor but happier. I had my kids late so had careered with a vengeance - so much so that I didn't even know there were seasons!!!! I am so much more alive than I ever was before.

Family help is a huge thing.

I have been self employed and worked part time since before we had DC - I absolutely love my career, would never give it up and am v fortunate that I’ve always been able to make pretty decent living from it.

I’m the higher earner in our household, so DH has now dropped to part time, and we use childcare.

We have totally equal time with the DC and responsibility for drop offs, pick ups etc.
We both travel occasionally for work and both pitch in with running the household, school stuff, homework etc.

I’m always surprised at how many couples still divide the “roles” of the house along traditional lines, but would never judge others for what works for them.

I would however love to see for our children’s generation a shift in society from the still dominant status quo of the husband being the higher earner and the wife sacrificing having a career.

I didn't really choose to be a SAHM, but DH's job meant frequent relocations, so I couldn't hold down a decent job. Plus he worked hugely long unpredictable hours.
The intention was he could build his salary by doing this ( and he did) only for his company to make the higher earners redundant. Now he's on a much lower salary and I'm struggling to find work 12yrs out of the job market.
But that said, DD has had lots of issues socially at various schools and has needed a lot of support. We have had no family help, due to moving away, so in a way I'm glad I got to be a SAHM, we'd have struggled otherwise.
If I had to do it again, I'd have put my foot down over the constant relocation, which would have enabled me to finish my degree and I suspect I would have stayed on the job ladder in some way.

miniplaty

Can I ask what you retrained as?

We never had any family help (no family living within 100 miles) so always Used childminder, nursery and later on before/after school provision. I completely agree that for those who use family for free care, the financial benefits are huge. For a couple of years our childcare bill matched my take home pay so there was no immediate financial benefit in working (though of course I was continuing paying into my occupational pension which I’m so glad of now.)

However, I think aside from the financial thing, there isn’t necessarily any other advantage of using family. In fact I believe the experience my children had from nursery was in many ways more enriching than if they’d been looked after by retired grandparents day to day. Don’t get me wrong, my parents were great, as were my in laws, but it was lovely that going to stay with grandparents was a really special treat for them rather than being something routine. I’ve also seen so many threads on here from mums complaining that Granny (who is used as free childcare) gives the toddler too many biscuits or plonks them in front of a screen.... I’m sure there are lots of situations where the cheapest option isn’t necessarily the best.

Having said that, on the occasions that children are not quite well enough for nursery but not poorly enough to need mum or Dad, having some family back up is invaluable.

An interesting question alongside this would be, as a child did you have a SAHM or SAHD or both parents working, and would you have wanted things to be different?

As individual circumstances vary so much I am sure there are happy and unhappy examples of both scenarios, I'm just curious about whether there is a majority view.

It's a tricky question shiny as a) you judge that as an adult and can't necessarily remember accurately how you felt about it as a child and b) you only know the reality of your situation. It's a bit like an only child being asked if they wished they'd had siblings? You can only project your own feelings onto it because you don't know the exact scenario you'd have been in.

My mum was a SAHM, although I'm not sure she liked it very much if I look back as an adult. I really wanted my own children to be able to have that "home time" and not be looked after by someone I paid to do it....but I equally wouldn't have stuck with it if I really hadn't enjoyed it as that lack of joy can sour the environment (if that's not a crap way to put it!).

NataliaOsipova is right- that is too simplistic and subjective a question.

It's like asking me whether I would have liked a brother.

I was a SAHM after my two children were born. I would do the same again. It meant financially we struggled and did without but I didn't see the point of having babies I would hardly ever see. Not everyone feels the same and not everyone can do it for many reasons so there is no right or wrong.
I struggled getting back into working but I never wanted a career anyway so it wasn't a big sacrifice for me.

Shiny- you also have to factor in that societal norms were very different when some of us (oldies!) were young.

My mum was a SAHM but that was very much the norm in the 1960s, couples tended to have man as breadwinner and woman at home, and even if she’d wanted to work, there was no regulated childcare as there is now- day nurseries etc

I knew very few other children whose mothers worked, and the few who did had very informal childcare arrangements eg going to a neighbour who wouldn’t have been DBS checked etc (not implying there was anything dodgy about the neighbours, just pointing out that things were very different.)

Going back a generation to my grandparents, my granny was actually unusual in being allowed to carrying on teaching after getting married. There was certainly no chance of her continuing a career once she had children.

So, it’s an impossible question to answer. I was quite happy having my mum at home when I got in from school but equally, I’d have probably been happy with other arrangements.

My mum got a very part time job when we were teenagers but it was quite a menial one... I think having not worked for a long period of time knocked her confidence tbh and also there weren’t the opportunities back then

An interesting question alongside this would be, as a child did you have a SAHM or SAHD or both parents working, and would you have wanted things to be different?

I already posted about my experience re: this. My mum was a SAHM and it was, IMO, a key part of her demise. She lost her career which meant poverty when my DF was continuously made redundant (not his fault, manufacturing in the 80s and 90s) isolation, low self esteem and my my parents live in poverty in retirement and my mum has no real contacts outside of the few couples she's known since before she had kids.

So I had a SAHM and I absolutely do not want to be and won't be one myself.

Babbity, that's really interesting, I hadn't considered how much change there has been going back a few generations to when women were privileged to have a career after marriage.
Natalia and Speakout I agree it's a very simplistic and subjective question, but also one where you'll have an opinion nonetheless. Speakout you probably have a view on whether you would have liked a brother, in a general sense.
I don't think it's a very useful question if circumstances dictate the working/SAHM situation people find themselves in, but where there is a real choice to be made it is something else to consider.

herethereandeverywhere that makes a lot of sense. I do think you can be a SAHM without being socially isolated, but financially of course you are reliant on a partner.

@herethereandeverywhere your parents' experience is very similar to my PILs', my DH grew up in the 60s and 70s. They both worked as teachers until they had their DSs. Then my MIL gave up work and was a SAHM until my BIL started high school (he was the younger brother). She managed to get work as a supply teacher and in teaching in a prison.

But then my FIL was forced out of the school where he worked by a bullying headteacher and had a nervous breakdown. They really struggled with poverty, until my DH's Grandad passed away and left them all an inheritance.

Being a SAHM can definitely be a risk. It isn't so much for us as we were both home owners before we married so we do have savings to rely on ready for a 'rainy day'.

but financially of course you are reliant on a partner

I never felt 'reliant' We were a married couple. I was a SAHP and he was out working. It was 'our' money..not his.
Me looking after our children and taking care of home life was valued.

I was a sahm for 25 years and have no regrets.
During the time I did study though and as my dh worked in the same industry kept myself up to date with what was changing in the industry.
This wasn't intentional or a foresight though.
I have completed a year in a min wage job/ different industry pt, just to get used to working again. It wasn't difficult to find, just walked into town and signed up It can be easy if you aren't fussed about what you do to begin with.
I am now starting a business in my 50's, having qualified to PG level as a sahm.
I'd say if you aren't working do try to keep up with what is happening in your industry, keep in touch with work friends, chat to friends about their working environment and maybe study pt if this is possible.
I have no regrets as my/our choice was what we wanted for our family.