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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

535 replies

DiscoPanick · 05/02/2018 16:20

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

OP posts:

speakout · 07/02/2018 19:08

I would hate to work full time too.

Part time is perfect. I wouldn't want a full time job again.

taekwondo · 07/02/2018 19:11

I was a sahm for 4.5 years, I spent 4 years of that studying my degree so I had something under my belt. I now home school and work from home and no, I wouldn't change it, there's nothing more important then being their for my ds and I'm so happy with how everything has turned out so far

dementedmummy · 07/02/2018 19:11

I took 6 months mat leave with ds1 and returned to work full time due to fear of being sidelined at work due to becoming a mother (which turned out not to be a fear but fact) as I was the main breadwinner. DH went down to 2days. With ds2 I went back after 4 months and dh became full time stay at home dad. I love my children dearly but knew I would go stir crazy in the house and dh full Time salary would not meet all the bills never mind pay for 2 classes a day for the kids that I would need to get out the house! In hindsight I think dh became very lonely being a satd and probably wasn't the best thing. Would I do it differently? Yes in so far as I would have had the guts to start my own business sooner which would have enabled me to juggle things better. You are damned if you do and damned of you dont as a parent. I feel guilty every day about missing my children's lives but my husband is now unable to work due to illhealth and therefore my career is the only thing holding a roof over our heads.

Devonishome1 · 07/02/2018 19:15

Yes,yes and yes! I loved my time as a sahm. Worked now as dd is at secondary school.

Esspee · 07/02/2018 19:17

I was a SAHM and am deeply grateful that I was able to bring my children up myself with the help of my husband at weekends. They were miles ahead of children who attended nursery, had childminders, nannies or relatives looking after them. They started school being able to read and write and do simple arithmetic, had excellent social skills and excelled in sports. Had I been working they would not have had these advantages so by being home with them they achieved their potential which is surely what every mother wants for their children.

Abbylee · 07/02/2018 19:20

Yes. Especially since my children were now young adults and have told me that the empty houses were party houses after school.

If i had a career like nursing, something part time, evenings, i would have been very happy but I'm happy with my choice.

It made dh's life easier, i enjoyed volunteering and I helped my family in many ways, including becoming a good healthy cook.

I do wish that i had the ability to make money but instead, i tried very hard to create a healthy, happy productive home.

Springprim · 07/02/2018 19:42

A years maternity then back to work part time. Would stick with this, although it is hard juggling it all with little ones.

TwigTheWonderKid · 07/02/2018 19:49

I view myself as incredibly lucky to have been at home with both my children until the youngest started school and now to have a job which allows me to work school hours and is flexible when the children are ill or something school-related comes up.

We can exist in terms of mortgage and bills on DH's salary but with mine it means we don't have to worry about paying for the children's activities etc. We still can't afford a new car or decent holidays, or a cleaner, or many of the other things friends who have two full-time salaries seem to afford, but my sense of self-worth is not bound up in paid employment and we don't feel the need for many of the material things that other people do as we value more the ability to spend time together.

Strumpetpumpet · 07/02/2018 19:49

I was a SAHM for 6 years until my youngest started reception. I then worked part time until she started high school, at which point I went full time term time plus 5 days. I work in a school finance role, having previously qualified as an accountant (pre kids) and while I earn a fraction of what I could have earned had I stayed in my previous role, I have a great work life balance, plenty of time for the kids and am able to take the bulk of the domestic duties while DH works properly full time. I consider myself very lucky and I would do exactly the same again. Good luck with whatever you decide x

Blahdeblah123 · 07/02/2018 19:52

Such a shame that a minority are using this thread to have a dig at us working mums 'I didn't have kids for someone else to bring them up, or whatever the rediculous comment was.

I returned to work 3 months after both my girls were born. Happy to report they are thriving at secondary school and I know them very well, we have a fabulous relationship. They have a strong role model in me and a very good work ethic. But I am very lucky to be in a flexible role, which whilst v demanding I can wfh if they are ill and I can pop out for school assemblies Etc. I am home most nights, and their Dad is always home at night if I'm not.

It's clearly personal choice, I would have made a lousy SAHM.

NataliaOsipova · 07/02/2018 20:04

They have a strong role model in me and a very good work ethic

....and that's not a dig at SAHMs....?

FarmerSee · 07/02/2018 20:18

Such a shame that a minority are using this thread to have a dig at us SAH mums

"They have a strong role model in me and a very good work ethic" or whatever that ridiculous comment was.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/02/2018 20:21

They have a strong role model in me and a very good work ethic
I’d consider that a statement of fact not a dig
If one took that as a dig,I’d wonder why they were so touchy?

Babbitywabbit · 07/02/2018 20:22

No, I always worked, dropping to 3 days a week when my dc were tiny and then stepping back up to full time when my youngest started school. This enabled me to have a good work/ home balance when they were preschool, but to then develop my career and accrue a good pension etc when they were a little older, which wouldn’t have happened if I’d stayed as a part timer.

I wouldn’t have been a SAHM if I had my time again. Too many interesting opportunities to be had in the world of work as well as at home, and I’ve seen too many Women end up in dead end jobs or struggling to get back into fulfilling work once they’ve been out of the workplace.

My children are now grown up and very happy successful adults who have achieved their potential, and as a parent you can’t ask for more than that

LOliver123 · 07/02/2018 20:22

No. I enjoyed my maternity leave - but defintely felt ready to go back, after the year. I am lucky however, in that I condensed my hours so only work a 4 day week , two of which are at home - which makes a big difference. My partner did the same - so we feel like we have a good balance.

chachaboom · 07/02/2018 20:36

I was for 5 years, no regrets. Managed to get a job similar to my previous role for school hours when youngest started school (age 3). Now working my way back up (still PT would be easy if I wanted FT but not ideal due to SN kid and OH with demanding job).

NataliaOsipova · 07/02/2018 20:41

If one took that as a dig,I’d wonder why they were so touchy?

On that basis, one could say exactly the same about those who regard people talking about bringing up their own children as "touchy". Sauce for the goose and all that....

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/02/2018 20:44

No I’d still think you touchy and conflating two unrelated points
Not to mention a poor culinary metaphor
I’ll leave you to your saucy goose

danni1979 · 07/02/2018 21:04

Interesting question and comments.
I've worked full time throughout both DC and DC2 (with the exception of 1 year of maternity leave after each child).
I treasured the maternity days, particularly the second time around as I got to spend time with the first child (who was approx 3 then).
I had a career I loved and wanted to be the best role model I could for my two girls. Now I'm wondering if the career is everything I wanted and looking for a change, and wondering if I've missed the boat and will regret not staying at home or going PT for a while.
However, I have seen/heard many SAHMs who find it so incredibly difficult to get back into the workplace (at the level they left) that I think maybe I did the right thing for me.
It's a fine balance of finances, guilt, self-worth...no right answer unfortunately.

Sheilasfeels · 07/02/2018 21:07

Well today I told my boss I'm handing in my notice so that I'll be leaving when my maternity leave ends. It's scary but the idea of going back to a job that made me miserable, away from my baby and to pay someone else for the priviledge makes no sense to me. I only plan to be at home till she's 1.5/2, and then I'll look for part time work. I am shocked at how difficult it has been for previous posters to find jobs after staying at home, it's so discriminatory of employers and that honestly hadn't crossed my mind. However, right now I feel like I've made the right decision for me and my baby.

pontynan · 07/02/2018 21:11

I had 5 DC - all now grown up with families of their own. I have never been a SAHM but used to be desperately jealous of those that were and used to envy the time they had with their children when they were young. I had / have a highly paid job and was always the major breadwinner so if either of us had given up full time job it would not have been me, it would have been DH - and I think I would have resented that more (very unreasonable of me) We managed because we had a full time nanny for DS4 and DS5 and I took minimal maternity leave. As it happened, it was the right decision financially for me and DC because I was also left as a single parent with large mortgage etc but not because DH abandoned me but because he died.

Deidre21 · 07/02/2018 21:12

I’m fortunate to not have to go out and work. I have always worked part time before having had a baby and it was a decision made much earlier before she was born that I would be a SAHM. I was fortunate to have a mother who didn’t Work and was there for us after school and always there when sick, etc. It was just normal to me to have a baby and take care of a baby and child. My husband had the opposite and didn’t like that and so he agreed with my decision to just go with what I saw as normality. Anyway my baby was with me until she started school - Reception, never went to s pre-school / nursery / kindergarten / child minder. Happily went off to school and enjoys it daily despite what others said before she started school (load of nonsense but another story) so I loved it despite it’s tiring days and sometimes boring days. She is only 7 now, yet I often almost every week since she started full time school look back and think how thankful I am that I had all that time with her as apart from the time going so fast they grow up so quickly and start school so early in the UK. I have no regrets. I do know that there are plenty of women who would love to have been SAHMs and those who are happy to not be one. I have other interests and while it is difficult personally to just go out and get s part time job for me personally as I’ve no family close by other than a husband who works full time, I don’t have any regrets. I have a small home business that I do wish was a big more busier and I still keep it going as it was a hobby that paid/ pays, I much prefer having the lovely, happy most amazing child who makes me so happy each day. If I was able to have a trustworthy reliable helper that could be around at the drop of a hat each time I needed help with looking after my daughter then I’d happily go out and have a 2-3 days a week job, but as that’s not the case I continue to prioritise raising a child as my job.

danni1979 · 07/02/2018 21:13

Oh gosh! Just seen the comments about role models...by my comment just now, I certainly wish to cause no offence to anyone.
By 'role model' I'm actually referring to myself as a woman working in a Science/Engineering career and achieving career success.
My girls have other incredible role models in their lives, such as their childminder who is compassionate, caring, loving, thoughtful and patient....and outstrips me in all of these skills. A perfect balance, we can't all be good at everything.

NataliaOsipova · 07/02/2018 21:14

Not to mention a poor culinary metaphor

Idiom rather metaphor, surely?

Iluvthe80s · 07/02/2018 21:22

I've always worked full time, because while I love my kids, my career was also important to me. Loved my maternity leave with both. Really admire parents who are happy to be SAH and if you can afford to....why no, but also respect those who chose to work. If I had my time again, I would have tried to return on a part time basis. I find it disappointing that generally there is negativity towards both groups-those who work and those who want to be SAHP. I've been condescended by SAHM in the past "oh how awful for you having to work" annoying and not helpful thanks!, when I have nothing but respect for those who chose that path. We should be supporting and celebrating the choices that we have in our lives.

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