To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

I took off the standard mat leave and went back to work full time with DS and then 3.5 days a week with DD.

I’m really glad I did. After having DD I developed a disability which would have made my employment prospects pretty negligible. I managed to ‘hold on’ to my job for a further 7 years with adjustments before finally having to throw in the towel. Those extra years have made all the difference to the modest pension I got with ill health retirement.

I had my LO very young, 17 years young... as things go as a teenager my relationship was never a relationship and 1 year later I was on my own with a baby with no support (no friends or family) to help me out. So I went to college my LO was 6 weeks old and she was enrolled in nursery so I could study FT, studied and came out with HNC in technical support, hated it and went studied something else. Felt like I couldn't go to work with a small child because of child care costs so worked PT for some time. Then eventually once LO was old enough for primary school I enrolled her in afterschool care and she has been attending ever since (now p5) and Ive worked FT ever since. So point being I suppose I have been a SAMH if you consider the fact I couldn't go to work whilst she was so young. But I've always preferred working FT and if I had another child I wouldn't even consider being a SAHM even if my now PT could support us. My LO has grown up fine, she gets the time and attention she needs/wants, she's smart and full of beans. Kids adapt to whats normal for them.

Considering where I am now, becoming a SAHP when kids were born would have been utterly disastrous for me.

iprefercoffeetotea I know two families where Dad has stayed home. Both don't work and have cleaners x3 a week with one child at school. I have no idea how they fill their day. Life of bloody Riley.

I know only two men who SAH and both has high earning wives. One was also a “trailling spouse”, studied online and then returned to work FT when DC reached school age. The other has a large family and has been in and out of PT work: he clearly resents his wife and the relationship has broken down.

But of course that could well have happened anyway!

If I could go back I would not have any dc's or have married. I'd have learnt to drive and I'd have had a career.

My husband works for the civil service & I work for the NHS... We earn the same. When I had my first I had only qualified & it was important that I consolidated my learning, so I went back to work 10 weeks after she was born. My manager let me work 12 hour shifts (it’s a 24hr service) so I was only out of the house 3 Days a week. Hubby worked 8-6 rather than 9-5 so he was able to take a day off a week by building up hours, consequently we only needed childminding 2 Days per week. The 2nd was different. I took 8 months maternity leave & by the time he was 1yr old it was apparent he had ASD. So.... I massively slashed my hours. Went from full time to 20hrs. I took this option coz hubby’s manager wouldn’t let him, plus my shift patterns wouldn’t have helped the situation. Then my manager let me work Friday/Saturday night Duty so was available for the numerous appointments DS had every week, hubby cared for him while I slept. Night Duty was horrendous, but ultimately it enabled me to look after my boy. 16yrs later, he’s great now. But by then I had to go full time to help pay for DD to attend uni..... Sorry for long post!! I’m glad I kept my hand in the working environment. Especially after I had my boy. Finances & career trajectory aside, it’s nice to have a different conversation, and to keep a bit of independence (in my book anyway). We did it 50:50. Wouldn’t have had it any other way, but I recognise that other people’s circumstances are different.

My mum was a SAHM, and I'm one now. I am so glad and thankful that she was always there - my friends were cared for by grandparents, nannies, or went home to an empty house (when old enough).

My mum has been an excellent role model to me. She's extremely talented and intelligent. I really don't see why working mum's are seen as better role models than SAHMs, a job doesn't define how "successful" you are.

I will encourage my DD to work hard and allow the world to be her oyster, but also to be a SAHM when the time comes, to find happiness and fulfilment in bringing up children and to take enjoyment from life's simple pleasures.

I'm alone in my thinking amongst my friends. More fool them I think! But if they're happy going to work and I'm happy not going to work, then that's great!

A job doesn’t define how successful one is, but does impact on how much one can personally earn.

I went to half time when DS1 was born and stayed part time - having 3 more children. I only increased my hours when they were in school fulltime.
The benefits to working come when the children are older and they need you in different ways. For me the balance was great - maintaining my profession but still getting to 'rock the cradle'. My DH dropped his hours as well so we only used child care 1 day a week.
I find now (generalisation alert) that SAHM often have more of a challenge adjusting their own role and identity when children start to leave the nest.
Oh - and my DD1 recently told me that she has no real recollection of me being home when she was pre-school anyway - so don't beat yourself up about guilt, just give them love and boundaries.
Enjoy the time with them as best as your circumstances will allow but they are not with for ever, so don't lose your own identity in the process.

Are we allowed to mention our part time DHs if we're not full time either?

I love being a SAHM. My time with my children has been wonderful and been good for us all as a family, especially as ds has a medical condition that has meant lots of appointments.

I work part time now but my earning power and CV are rubbish. My confidence took a huge hit as did my pension. I should have continued working, even part time. I didn't because I was made redundant, moved to the sticks and got pregnant.

I have been a SAHM to 5 and loved 90% of it. During that time i have completed a Degree and Masters in Law and now find that i am too old (45) and too out of it for a job. Even though I juggled children, house and university all at the same time they are obviously not skills worth having. So honestly I wish i had kept my foot in the employment door as my CV just has to many empty years.

We were lucky because we had the choice.

DH was minded as a toddler and had very unhappy memories and I wanted to be a SAHM until the youngest of however many we had went to school. It was something we both felt strongly about. We stashed away as much money as we could for 3 years before trying to conceive.

After DS2 was born I taught evenings in an adult education centre, which brought in some extra cash. I was unable to return to full time work as early as I'd planned as both DCs had health issues and missed a lot of school. I went on the supply list for a few years then back into full time work.

I went part time when my parents were becoming frail and needed extra support. DH was earning good money and we didn't "need" for me to work.

Now we are both retired and very comfortable. I have zero regrets about staying home for so long. It was a wonderful time. We did without some luxuries but we were lucky enough to be able to live on his salary when we needed to.

feelingfree17 no we don't know what the future holds.

We can't protect ourselves from everything in life, sometimes we follow our heart.
We take risks when we marry, when we have kids, when we love someone, when we buy a property, all of these things are unpredictable.

I became a SAHM 20 years ago.
I have not been in the job arena in two decades.
Now that I am 55 and my kids are about to fly the next I find myself working part time from home, earning twice what my OH earns and excited about the future.

I am glad I did it as I really enjoy the company of children and young people. Like LoveB I don’t get the role model thing.

Loving this thread. I wish Mumsnet was around when I made my decision. I would definitely still be a SAHM with young children, but I would have planned better; ie made sure my career was established before going off on maternity or make sure I have a business idea going before. I think I jumped into it not knowing the repercussions. I’ve been very fortunate I didn’t have any problems getting employment in my younger days, and had fairly good jobs. Had my first child at 29 (early by London standards), and never thought that being “away from work” for a couple of years could hurt my job prospects. I don’t actually think I’m out of touch because I do make an effort to keep myself up-to-date. But on paper, a 20-something with no gaps in employment look better. But then quite frankly, do we really want to go back to work and be bossed around by obnoxious 20-year olds? I wished I thought of all that before, but heyho...it’s not the end of the world. Do I feel insecure, being dependent on DH? Of course...every single day... figuring out a way to get my own venture going now that DC are almost old enough to go to high school... Who knows what the future holds? We can only live a day at a time :-)

Haven't read the thread yet, but my initial reaction to the OP is that I wouldn't do anything differently.

I had 4 months maternity with my first, went straight back to FT, by the time I'd had my second 3 yrs later I'd already been promoted once.
I had 6 months maternity the second time & went back full time.

Over the next 10 years I was promoted another couple of times & was earning a decent amount - money had been tight for us as a family when the kids needed full time childcare (the equivalent of one of our wages went on childcare) but when it was just before & after school club we started to notice a massive difference in disposable income.

When my youngest was 10, my marriage broke down & I lost my job due to unrelated ill health, but luckily the 20 yrs I'd done up to that point gave me a bit of a pension - this meant that I could afford to sustain myself through a degree (I don't bring in enough to even pay tax, but with CTC & maintenance I have enough to get by). Also, I had gained an undisrupted 10 yrs of experience & extra qualifications etc that I wouldn't have otherwise.

If I'd been a SAHM I'd have been utterly dependent on my husband & would have not been in the position I am now - so for me, personally, I'd do it all exactly the same.

But hindsight's a wonderful thing really!

(And I don't have any judgement or opinions on what others choose to do - it just happened to be the right choice for me).

Yes.

I regret going back to work. We could have existed quite comfortably on one salary.

I went back to work, and found myself in a position I cordially loathe. But now, we depend on the salary and cutting back means cutting back on activities for the kids, etc.

I never should have gone back.

Had around 3-4 years as sahm when kids babies/toddlers. Absolutely wouldn’t change that, the best times of my life. Completely would advise not missing any of that.
But very glad to be in a position to work part time now. Is very good for my sanity & bank balance & sense of fulfilment, social life etc. I’d feel very insecure being SAHM for much longer than 3-4yrs.

I was a SAHM but studied when my children started secondary school and got myself a degree and a career. I have younger children now and I work jobshare. It is truly the best of both worlds. :) I would HATE to work fulltime.

There is so much more to life than work. If you can afford to work part time or jobshare, it is truly the best.

I agree with everything loveb has said. Your job does not define your success in life. I can never understand why we argue over who is better, a frequent debate on mumsnet, as surely we should support others in their choice not try to demean them.

My mum was at home for a long time, only returning to work when my dad left her, but always encouraged me to stay at home when dc were young.

Dh started up his business when DS was born so me staying at home allowed him to work as needed without being involved in childcare. He did/does a lot with dc but was never relied upon. We run the business together and as dc got bigger I became more involved in business.

There were times when I felt bored but only few and far between and I feel lucky to have been around more when dc were little and also find that they need me more now in teenage years.

I did a lot of years as a nurse prior to kids but would not return now. Too much fun to be had elsewhere!