To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

Sorry, forgot to put the quote in bold!

Whatever decision you take comes with pros and cons; people weigh those differently depending on their personal circumstances.

Hear hear to that! There is no “right” answer. If you have choices you are actually pretty lucky.
However it is human nature though to look back and think “should I have done that?”. But we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves.

no one has the perfect life

No because I still could t have afforded it even in hindsite , it didn’t do the kids any harm at all either .

I feel like a SAHM even though I do some tutoring in the evenings. What I earn isn't much, and I certainly couldn't support myself if my relationship ended.

I feel like I have a strong relationship with my DH, but I agree it's always a risk you take, as you just never know.

Couldn't go back into teaching now - taught 10 years ago and only for two years (I went into another profession after that, which I could not walk straight back into either). I've been taking my piano grades with the idea that I could be a piano teacher. This is similar to tutoring, though. If I worked my arse off I could just about make enough to live on with the kids if DH left, but I would hardly see the children as it's evening work.

I think if you can keep your hand in something - even a few hours work a week, or study for something whilst SAHM, then your in a stronger position.

I wouldn't change it. I've always thought I'd rather be there for the kids. It feels scary though.

Following because I'm currently on maternity leave due to go back in July I love being home with dd but also the thought of relying on someone else terrifies me so it's good to see others perspectives on their experiences!

I would be a SAHM again. I'm feeling emotional at the minute as my 8 and 6 year olds suddenly seem to be more independent and I'm glad I got to spend so much time with them when they were tiny. I did continue working part time through out which has helped.

twitter.com/BBCTwo/status/960437866860957696?ref_src=twcamp%5Ecopy%7Ctwsrc%5Eandroid%7Ctwgr%5Ecopy%7Ctwcon%5E7090%7Ctwterm%5E0

Absolutely! BUT I would have trained as something before having children instead of enjoying myself and travelling the world quite so much!!! I wish I’d been something in the nhs as they have very good back to work training and I know I would have loved it and been good at it. I have 3 girls and a boy and am really encouraging the girls to do something that they can then return to or do part time. I think it’s really good to keep options open.

No chance in hell would I be a SAHM. I trained long and hard for my career and I love it.

Also I'm a LP so have to work anyway.

But I think it's not a right or wrong choice. Depends on a lot of circumstances.

I have 3 girls and a boy and am really encouraging the girls to do something that they can then return to or do part time.

This is an interesting debate and has been much discussed at girls' schools. On the one hand, it seems like a no brainer. On the other hand, the effect of this is to push girls away from higher paid (or "higher powered") professions and jobs.

For example, one of my friends is a teacher. She's been able to go back part time after having children and has the advantage of the school holidays off. Perfect. I worked in the City; the choice was all or nothing and now I'm a SAHM. But I earned more money in the years I worked than she will earn over her entire working life (and have assets on the back of that etc etc). So who made the better choice? I don't think it's clear. I sometimes think "oh, I wish I could find something part time that fits round school holidays", but I know she sometimes thinks "I wish I'd worked in London when I was younger" and "I wish I didn't have to work to pay the mortgage".

So I think, on balance, I'd just encourage my DDs to follow their interests. But it is an interesting quandary.

In an ideal world I would have had a job I loved that could go down to 3 days PT. And then DH would have also worked PT. But that wasn't how it was. I am glad I was a SAHM. It was hard at times and so fecking relentless. But it's what both DH and I wanted.

I don't feel I sacrificed anything because I've gained more satisfaction from family life - and I believe those first 5 years are so important, and an unhappily-working mother would have done my children no good.

I was really ready to return to work though. It fulflis me

It's a hard one as they are still very small at 1 year old to leave. With my son, I went back to work when he was 6 months old. With my daughter, I have stayed with her. She is extremely secure and much happier than my son was. Now she is 3 yrs old, I d feel quite frustrated as she is much more demanding now she is older. I look forward to working! But I still have another 30 years of work in me so I'm glad I've been there for her. I always remember the kids in my son's Nursery who stood at the doors waiting to be collected even at 12 noon when they had till 6pm to wait.

I was a sahm to first 2 children then went back to workplace when children both at school. I am a teacher so still school holidays at home. Then had unexpected 3rd child and stayed at home for 1 year then returned to work part time, 3 days each week and ds went to nursery. He seemed to enjoy nursery as very outgoing and sociable child. When he started school I went back full time. Looking back I should have returned part time when dc1 and dc2 small. I don't think ds3 missed out in any way and 2 wages meant nicer quality of life for all of us. My pension contribution is lower by Sah longer. I am lucky to have school holidays at home.

I have been a SAHM for about 6.5 years now. I do work one morning a week (DH or sometimes my DM has DD3) and do quite a lot of voluntary work (involved with 3 organisations atm) which I take DD2 and/or DD3 with me for. I also have an evening hobby and a wide circle of friends.

Being very honest the reason I have loved being a SAHM so much is because we have enough disposable income that the children and I are able to have day trips, ice creams out and access to a car. I personally would feel very isolated if I was having to rely on ever-depleting free toddler groups and staying in at home.

It has been great for the DC and DH's career has gone from strength to strength with very little pressure to be back at a certain time or turn down trips away but I am aware I have wasted my potential - going back to work for more than minimal hours will probably be a big lifestyle change for us all.

I asked my sister, a SAHM with children 6-7years older than mine this when my DS was born. She advised to try to keep my foot in the employment door. She was struggling to get back into the workplace, as she had no recent work experience and she had a degree. She also advised earning some income or maintaining a career in some form made for better dynamics and respect in the relationship. She was working voluntarily for Relate, so maybe some of that was from what she experienced are common issues in relationships.

15 years later and working part time from 2 mornings to four days has meant I now have a good CV and made good progress in my career as well as an excellent relationship with my children. It has also taken the pressure off my husband as a sole earner and allowed him to change his work to be around and have a good relationship with the children now too. Children need their Dads too. I am so grateful to my sister for her wise word now!

My only child was born when I was 35 and I loved my job but no way was I going back until my LO went to school.

Never was a SAHM so suffered years of guilt and rushing to get home only to be told years later that they hardly noticed me working because I was always home for the evening meal, bath and story.
My pension has helped keep our heads above water now we are pensioners. Most importantly working kept me sane. Love my kids have a great relationship with them, often go on holiday with them and their DP's but maternity leave was all I could manage, my brain would have turned to blancmange and would have been a very unhappy SAHM. It isn't for everyone.

I was at home for 12 years with my 3 boys (bigger age gaps than average) but did a few freelance hours a week. What stood me in good stead was doing voluntary work to develop skills related to the field I work in. I now feel amazingly fortunate to have a part-time high status, satisfying job that works around school drop-off and pick up.
My next work-issue to tackle is that I would love to earn enough allow my husband (9 yrs older than me, a teacher and KNACKERED) to go down to 4 days...

My mother had been both a SAHM for around 6 years and then studied and worked FT and, whilst honest about the downsides, encouraged me never to be financially dependent on a man, barring my or DCs’ ill health or SN. My father was unemployed several times and her income meant that wasn’t a disaster. She also achieved career success in a meaningful and rewarding, though hard, role. Career cut very short by disability, sadly.

I haven’t enjoyed WoH much since having DC but think she was right about economic independence.

I know far too many well paid men who are twats towards their SAH wives to test what DH might be like as the sole breadwinner!

It's a very personal thing. I think I'm a better mother for not being an SAHM. For the brief period I was I struggled (nothing to do with being with child, everything to do with always having worked and suddenly going from full-time to no work at all)

But equally I wouldn't want to work full-time now I have DC. I feel very lucky that I have a good part-time job which just about pays me enough to be able to work part-time and the rest of the time I can be there for DC. For me this is the perfect balance and I'm probably a nicer person for doing it this way . Challenge and stimulation of work and adult company plus lots of time to be there for DC. It works for me - but as I say, it's very personal.

However, thinking about it now, having read this thread, yes, the change in circumstances point is very valid too. I have a good friend who was an SAHM because her husband wanted one of them to be there for the kids. When he ran off with someone else she had been out of the workplace for so long she couldn't find work for a very long time. And the "if you are an SAHM you get half" thing mentioned by PP didn't work out either. He had planned this for ages and cleverly rearranged his finances so there was barely anything left.

I intended to return to work after my mat leave, we needed the money. But I was forced by circumstances to become a SAHM mum because when I began searching for a childminder/nursery I discovered childcare was either equal to, or above, what I earned. We would have always made a financial loss if I went back. We weren't entitled to any childcare vouchers or benefits. We couldn't afford for me to go back to work!

We have struggled so much financially over the last few yrs to the extent of sometimes having to use food banks and had to move from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed flat.

Now my son is in full time education I could return to work part time, but having had a 5 year work gap being just a SAHM no employer will touch me. Job application after job application is rejected or ignored completely. Its very depressing and has really knocked my confidence.

So now I do wonder if I should have returned to work after my mat leave, taken the financial loss (meaning we would have struggled EVEN MORE), just so I still had a foot in the door of employment and not end up unemployable like I am now

I was a SAHM for 2 years and then moved onto part time work.
I enjoyed the closeness I had with my little one during that time, but I did feel isolated and a bit lost. I almost felt financially invisible too Some forms I had to tick the box marked ‘unemployed’ which narked me. I’m not that confident as a person and had previously got a lot of confidence from my job.
I’m doing a consultant role now part time which brings me in almost as much as my previous full time job. I went back as I felt my son was ready for nursery and would benefit from it, I felt that I needed to be ‘work me’ again and also get my career back on track.
Sometimes it’s difficult to balance work with looking after my little boy. The job can be quite demanding and sometimes I have to work when my little one goes to bed. However, overall it’s a better option for me.

I have the advantage to being able to work from home in the evenings, so essentially a SAHM, wouldn't change the time i've spent with them for anything. I think for me, it helped that I was in my 30's with my eldest and had already built a career that would be easy to translate to home working.

Read a few pages of this but haven't found anyone who said they worked FT and dad stayed at home or worked PT/freelance. Anyone? We still expect mums to make the choice don't we. Dads don't, although in a previous job one of my colleagues did give up work because his wife earned more than he did.

I think if the shared leave had been around when ds was a baby DH and I would have taken six months each. But as it wasn't, I went back to work 4 days a week after 7 months and ds went to nursery.