To ask if you had your time again would you have been a SAHM?

[DiscoPanick]

I've NC for this because of obvious reasons concerning linking threads and so forth.

What invariably happens if you take time off from your job/career and what if your H/P leaves you? Times had changed since alimony was granted. These days you'd leave with just the clothes on your back. That is if you didn't have personal savings or wealth.

Even if childcare renders you working at a net loss on a monthly basis, is it worth still having a foot in the door versus not.

The feeling of guilt concerning WOHMs is all well and good but will not ultimately put food on the table. (The feeling of guilt that is)

I'm just working through a few thoughts and need to consult with friends and others to see what others have done.

I had full maternity leave with Ds1. Then went part time. Fell of with Ds2 then ds1 started school. Probably wouldn't advise others to have such a large age gap (but did have a miscarriage) Stayed p/t ever since and hope to always be.

Love my job. Childcare was always manageable and never had negative worth that some have, with 2 or 3 children close in age.

But I have missed out on any career progression/promotions.

So, I would conclude that it is very very hard to get the right balance.

So much depends on the employer and their attitude to flexible working, part-time etc. My employer has always accommodated my flexible working and I’ve never missed a school assembly or parents evening. But as in anything there is a pay off and the Office based jobs I do are not necessarily the ones I would choose if I were childless. That being said my DH shares the childcare equally and he is similarly restricted so the onus hasn’t fallen entirely on me. ( both public sector).

I’m not defined by my job,but I’m not defined by being a mother either
My career suits me because there is a fit between it and my beliefs,and values
My personality suits the job I do,the pace,the intellectual stimulation
I was dreadfully bored on mat leave, found the activities stultifying,
it was challenging meeting women who defined themself in past tense I used to be

So to jump in before someone uses the death bed adage that no one whos about to expiredays they wish they’d spent more time at work... well for me on the death bed I’ll remember fondly and deeply the things I’ve seen and done,and the colleagues and people I’ve encountered

lipstick after totally. My career brings me many interesting and enriching experiences. As does being the mother of a teenager. But being on maternity leave did absolutely bore the tits off me. Village playgroups? Shoot me now

Agree totally, I meant

I haven't lost my identity either. I have my own interests beyond the minutiae of the DC's bowel habits.

The hilarity of being asked And what does your husband do Code for how much does he earn
The head tilt and the face😥 when I said I was returning to work. No not pt.actually ft.really
Majority described themselves in past tense eg I used to be x,y,z job. now I’m mum
Conversations about school when at baby group. A conversation about 5yr hence
So,yes it was a stultifying time

I said I was a teacher for the 5 years I was a SAHM/doing PT study. I do think that my job features very heavily in my identity, even when I am doing something else.

My son was at private school for infant and junior education and so whilst there were many high fliers and many mums in more routine jobs, a fair proportion of mums didn’t work. One had qualified as an accountant but gave it up as soon as she got married. She asked another fellow mum, also accountant “don’t you just hate working?” . She was the mother harassing the coach for her son to be rugby captain, on the cricket team, organising the teacher’s gift, befriending the footballers wives and getting completely wasted on mums nights out, and saying what a bore her husband was but he was wealthy. Think she had an identity crisis. And was a bloody awful bore herself

How do you feel about being at home with children everyday? As you can see, some posters hate it and find it incredibly boring. I absolutely loved my maternity leave, have a brilliant bunch of Mum friends who are the type of people I would be friends with anyway and got out and did things with my baby most days so I know I would suit the SAHM role.

Saying that, I've gone back to work part time as I'm in a professional role and not ready to throw away the years of hard work just yet. I'm not doing it for financial security - we work as a team and decided between us that he would progress his career as much as possible as he has better earning potential. I, meanwhile, am keeping my hand in my career so I can step up if/when the need arises. Otherwise I will continue to work minimal hours to keep a managerial level post until children are older.

I would love to be a SAHM and would go down that route if I knew I could get back into work easily when I wanted but there are just no guarantees. Technology etc is moving so quick that it's easy to get left behind

I went pt and have enjoyed it. Fortunate to have been able to choose any option (ft, pt or say), wouldn't change it. Having every day at home would have been extremely intense and I've enjoyed the variety. Also glad not to have worked full time and the days at home have been more special/memorable I think plus have another 30 years to work (come on lottery win). Glad to have kept on with career although there have been frustrations including forms of discrimination, priority for interesting work etc given to ft staff.

My mum got married very young and had kids right away. Due to my dads job she was unable to work and keep a regular job (we moved a lot). When he left she was left with kids to bring up and no real means to support us financially.

That is why even though technically we probably could have afforded for me to give up work I didn't want to. It was hard working when my children were babies even though it was only 3 days a week but it kept my door in the door and actually while I didn't progress my career I was able to gain experience in different sectors so when I felt my kids were old enough I apply for a promotion and went back full time. I'm so pleased we made the decision we did and I'm proud that no matter what happens to my husband I can support my kids

I’ve been both a working mother ( 60 hours a week from DD being 7 months old ) to SAHM from just after her second birthday. I quit my job due to anxiety and depression, stemming from being exhausted and not seeing my baby enough.

I had 10 months as a fully SAHM and am now working 2 days a week while she is at pre school now we have the funded hours.

60 hour weeks and not seeing your child bar 5 minutes at bed time is exhausting. The little time I did have with DD was lack lustre because I had no energy after working so much. I don’t plan on returning to full time work ever; I don’t want to miss out on school plays or drop offs/pick ups this is amplified by the fact my mother was never around for mine. I’m fortunate enough to have a job which is always in demand so I can pick and chose my hours/days of work.

lipstick I got a promotion. Even though DH earns way more than me I love it that I now get to answer 'DH sells pork for a living. I am a CFO.'

I'm not really offended by all of the "why would you have children for someone else to raise them" posts. I just think it's a bit sad that some people are so evidently lacking in imagination.

I have always worked, except for maternity leave, and I have no regrets at all. My decisions were heavily influenced by the experiences of my own mum, who bitterly regrets having been a sahm. I hope that my daughter will not go down that route, but I will do my best to support her no matter what she chooses.

Many of my friends ( and I) have made significant contributions to our local community as a result of being SAHPs.

I'm really curious as to what this means. How can you contribute to the community as a result of being a SAHP?

Lots of SAHPs volunteer in the local community. As do lots of WOHPs (myself included). I genuinely don't really see how being a SAHP results in people being more able to make significant contributions to the community.

Do you mean that SAHPs are able to devote lots more time to voluntary work than WOHPs because they don't have jobs? Surely, though, if you're devoting that many hours to voluntary work, you're not really a proper SAHP anyway, are you? More a part-time worker who happens not to get paid?

Or are you saying that there is something else about SAHPs that makes them particularly able to contribute to the community?

Genuinely curious.

In my experience SAHP get more judgement these days parents who work.

I am a sahm yet my children still attends nursery so I still get my own time and they get the experience of nursery (just not for a long day).

I am in a good financial situation so I don't have to feel vulnerable about my husband leaving me (I hope he doesn't!).

There are things about work I miss, but lots of things I don't. I live in a bit of a bubble where every day work stress is no longer part of my life. The time will come when I enter back into that busy stressful world, but right now I really love being a SAHP.

No I wouldn't - much as I loved not working (and not just 'being there' for my DC but the actual fact of choosing how I spent my time, not being a wage slave etc etc) BUT - I had my DC late in life and trying to get back into work in your 50s is incredibly difficult, I have got a job now that I love but it pays very little and financially I am in a very vulnerable position if my marriage broke up.

Ideally, I wouldnt be a SAHM again for so long. Because of dhs job it was very difficult for me to work. He was away often and we wanted someone at home for the dc. So if I could have got a job with school hours and term time only, that would have been fab.- (But was never going to happen)

I have retrained and now run a business with Dh, dds have both left for uni. I wish we’d done this years ago. I think I’ve been lucky as I did get to spend a lot of time with DDs, and now have a fab job and a happy marriage. I would have been in a very different position if we had separated and I look back and think I was niave to not work for so long.

I would love to be a stay at home Mum, unfortunately as I’m a single parent my DS has to go into nursery.
Tbh though, before I split with ex, whilst I was still on maternity, staying at home wasn’t an option for me anyway as he was absolutely awful with money and saw every penny as his own and believed his contributions to the bills was done as a favour to me

If I meet someone in the future who earns enough and would be happy for me to stay at home, then I’d definitely stay at home with future children until they start school.

It would be completely for my benefit though as I feel I’ve missed out. I don’t think my DS attending nursery since 9 months old has done him any harm, he is a very happy, sociable and intelligent little boy.

I'm surprised at all the hugely active stay at home mums who apparently shoot off on awesome adventures and volunteer and do loads of worthwhile work.

I have to be honest and say the vast majority I knew went to the occasional mother and toddler groups due to the sheer need for adult company, met up with other stay at home mums, who weren't really their friends, but were in the same boat and met to simply get themselves either out or have another adult to talk to, and spent the rest of their time doing household chores and trying desperately to entertain their kid.

Many of them then tried to get onto thr pta or help out with school activities when their kids went to school to give them some stimulation and friends, and alleviate the sheer boredom of it. Hence the emergence of the sad school mum cliques.

I'm sure the awesome ones on here are being honest, but in my experience not working is boring for many, they aren't shooting off on "adventures" or out there working with the homeless or whatever. They are simply getting through thr day and trying desperately to make other mum friends.

I'm sure the awesome ones on here are being honest, but in my experience not working is boring for many, they aren't shooting off on "adventures" or out there working with the homeless or whatever. They are simply getting through thr day and trying desperately to make other mum friends.

But - and without trying to be in any way goady Bluntness - the converse is true of many working mothers. Most working mothers I come across don't have interesting, intellectually stimulating high paying jobs. They're just working to pay the bills and are getting through their day, desperately trying to juggle childcare. It's impossible to make generalisations based on one person's experience, as circumstances differ wildly.

Natalia, totally agree. I would argue though that many women who work, do find it gives them much needed outside stimulation. The comments on here testify to that. I'm not sure pay is anything to do with it though, you can enjoy your job, or get stimulation from it, without being high paid.

Howver I agree, it can all be a drudge and I'm not sure anyone has the "perfect life".

I'm not sure anyone has the "perfect life".

That's spot on - and, actually, at the heart of this sort of debate. (I think so, anyway!). Whatever decision you take comes with pros and cons; people weigh those differently depending on their personal circumstances.

I reckon the perfect life would be to be the CEO of a multinational company, working 9-3 term time only. I haven't been inundated with offers, but if the Daily Mail picks this up, I'd be very happy for them to advertise my availability....

I'm sure the awesome ones on here are being honest, but in my experience not working is boring for many, they aren't shooting off on "adventures" or out there working with the homeless or whatever. They are simply getting through thr day and trying desperately to make other mum friends.

That was true of me when I had toddlers, @Bluntness100 I didn't work so much then. It changed once I got them both into nursery. As for the charity work, I got into that before we adopted our DDs, I travelled a lot then, which obviously isn't possible now.