the cost of getting your child to Uni!

[Ineedsharesintravelodge]

Not so much an AIBU, just looking for some advice really. I have name changed for this, as I have a few friends & relatives who are on Mumsnet also. Sorry that this is long!!

My 18 year old has been looking at specific degree courses (don't want to say what, as quite outing) and she has applied for a few through UCAS and one independently, but I am finding the cost of getting her to the interviews extortionate. Most of the Universities she has applied for are 4-6 hours travelling distance away, and without gong into details about her course, she would be expected to stay at the Uni for 5-6 hrs on the day of the interview as there are several parts to the interview. As a non-driver this entails mostly two overnight stays per interview - one on the way there and one on the way back as there aren't any trains to get us there in time on the same day, or to get us back to our small northern town afterwards on the same day. Most of the Unis that she has applied to are down south, so even budget hotel lines can be fairly expensive, depending on the day and area. None of the interviews can be changed as these are mostly the last dates available, and none are consecutive so we can't take advantage of attending one the day after another.

I have priced it up for her to travel alone (daunting for a just 18 yr old from a small rural northern town - journeys are up to / 5 train changes mostly via London) and by the time we have used our railcard it doesn't make much of a price difference, and the hotels seem to charge around the same for 1 or 2 people in a room so it makes more sense for us both to go so she has the reassurance about the travel. We don't have anyone to ask who could drive her there instead, (her dad wont take time off work for this, nor will he contribute anything towards the cost. He feels he has done his part as he contributed 25% of the cost of attending a Uni open day, of which she has only been to one ).

After working it out, I have estimated that each trip will cost in the region of £250 - £350, and that is staying at cheapest hotels, travelling at cheapest time of the day whenever possible to fit in around the timing of the interview. All of the interview dates are within a 3 week window in March - how the heck am I supposed to afford it, I am a single parent on a low income, and although I have been putting some money away towards this (as and when I could afford it) it won't even cover one of the trips.

I just don't know what to do.

Do I tell her that I can't afford it, and that she can't go? Do I near bankrupt myself, by borrowing money from my household bills to take her? The amount that I am needing to find by March (or preferably before then, to get the cheapest hotel & train rates) could take me years to pay off / re juggle household bills up to date.
Do we risk it and only attend one or two? (what then, if she is offered a place at neither, and she has missed the other interviews?)
Or just go to her first couple of choice interviews but these have more demand for places?
We have discussed the possibility of not attending later interviews if she is offered a place at an earlier one, but these are not her first choice Unis within the first few interviews, and ideally we would have travel booked asap for the best prices, as leaving it until the week before to book is so expensive.
It's a dilemma. Please don't say, I should have saved for this - I have done my best, but money in our house is very tight and we only have a little disposable income each month. Just want some ideas, suggestions on the best thing to do in this situation!

Crabby thought not, it's obvious you don't. What happened when (if) you went to uni is nothing like it is today. Uni workers may not like it now - I don't know - but parents generally go with their kids. That's the way it is. Mine went to some by themselves, but generally wanted DH and I input, so we happily went to some too with them.

Regardless of how some posters want things to be, or insist that they are, it is standard for parents to accompany their teenaged children to open days, moving to university etc. Doesn’t mean they all helicopter and interfere, most hang about at the sidelines and take their cue from their child.

Regardless of whether you think this is right or wrong, this is the norm in the universities I am acquainted with.

I haven't experienced that head.

Thing is, different kids thrive under different approaches. Even between my three, sometimes one wants a hand held, sometimes another really wants you to be totally hands off. It's not always about the parenting, my three have been brought up the same, it's about personality and stage of development.

My DD who skipped off to Dublin had a panic attack and couldn't even go into her GCSE science prac in Y10. She slowly built up her confidence over time.

I think those with the "competitive hands off attitude" as someone described it, are probably the parents of very small children. As a parent of uni age children I don't tend to offer advice on babies because I recognise that I am 18 years out of date.

can she not go with a friend instead, as a half way compromise?

so some other 17 year old should fork out for a trip several hours away rather than her mum? Riiight....

And if they are not yet 18, or are 18 but have MH issues what then? Abandon them? Tell them tough you're on your own with no support?

I hope you can find some ways to reduce the costs of getting to the interviews. OP, and good luck for your daughter. I'm just posting because depending on the severity of her mental health needs she might be entitled to disabled students allowances, and it's worth looking at ASAP to ensure she has the right evidence and isn't sorting stuff at the last minute.

@thecrabbypatty

Lemonshark thank god for the fellow sanity campaign! At 18 you darling little cherub is an adult. They can get married, have a baby, buy a house, travel the world, join the forces, go to war, work in Antarctica and go to prison. Can we please stop treating university like its first day at the brownies?

Ridiculous old chestnut. The fact is, the vast majority of 18 y.o. people do not buy a house at 18, they do not go to war, they do not join the forces, they do not work in Antarctica (where the hell did you pull that one from?) and do not have a baby. Indeed, most 18 y.o. people still live with mum and dad and are still at college or on some kind of training course, or working a part time job...

We went to university open days with our kids, and also went when they moved into halls, and for their registration. I find it a bit odd when parents don't go to university open days, and extremely weird if parents don't go with their adult children on the first day of university. Only if your child is going to university abroad do you have a good reason to not go.

My DH set up our kids computers and TV's, we took all their kitchen stuff down, and bedding and TV and gamestations, and clothes, and everything. Very bizarre to not go with them.

And as has been said by a number of posters, most university open days have the parents escorting/ supporting their young adult children. And also (as a few people have said,) it is a pretty scary time for many, and a big upheaval. Perfectly normal, (and nice and supportive) for parents to go with them.

thecrabbypatty

This maturity stunting infantilisation is creepy and wrong.

I don't think you could come out with a more stupid comment if you tried.

I planned that she should be independent enough to attend the open days by herself. So that meant train travel aged 16, d of E, going to town on the bus even earlier, trips driving out in the car etc. IT doesn't serve offspring well if you don't prepare them.

I don't think it's a good idea not to prepare them and then drop them off at uni.

But within six weeks my DD was organising a house share for the subsequent year - a house in which she needed to contact a broadband provider to organise wifi so it wouldn't have made sense to not teach her these skills earlier.

It's one thing to provide transport and help moving in and lugging the essentials up three flights of stairs (most people try to rope friends and family in for moving) it's different for just attending a session designed for students to learn more about a university course and accommodation. It's not necessary, they can listen, take notes and ask questions just as well as you can. I'm amazed that I actually have more belief in the ability of young adults more than most of the people who are wading into this thread! Give your soon to be university students some credit!

Mine are capable of attending open days by themselves head. Two of them were driving at 17, one travelled aloneto Australia for 3 weeks to meet up with friends etc etc etc (lots of other independent acts)

It doesn't mean they didn't want my input at the university open days they were interested in!

Which courses required 5-6 hours of interviews? That's crazy. What Uni dept. can afford all that staff time?!!

crabbypatty
How old are your kids?

Just that I recognise a lot of the posters on here as other parents of University age kids
and the bulk of us are saying the same thing

surely its not a medical degree course as i thought that was all through ucas and OP says some of interviews arent through ucas ?
i second what others say about cost of coming home, when my dc applied they looked at train/coach fees from 5 choices to help them make decisions

Presumably, OP, you will need to take 2 or 3 days off work for each interview if you accompany? That alone seems like a huge financial burden. Also, coach travel will probably cut costs significantly, but uni accommodation (assuming available) likely just for your DD, leaving you still in need?

If the above holds then it might be fruitful to spend a little bit more on coach fares now to get DD use to the travel so she can do it on her own? Maybe take long trips on Saturdays with changes, etc. and come back the same day until she realises she can do it OK? Then accompany her on the first interview, staying elsewhere, so she can get the hang of the overnights? Not sure if practice at other routes would help her be less stressed with any new route, or if it would need to be the actual route she has to do. Also, perhaps talking to GP to see if there's anything that would be helpful for the journeys to lower the impact?

All the best for your DD. It sounds very challenging and all your effort to support your DD is heartwarming.

Talkinpeace I'm actually coming from the perspective of someone who teaches, from both secondary / 6th form and a couple of years lecturing. I genuinely believe that young people are capable of much more than their parents believe. It's a case of trusting them to make good choices and informed decisions and then, safe in the knowledge that you have prepared them for the challenges ahead, them knowing that you are behind them (not beside them) all the way.

Uni accommodation is probably available and cheap, national express is cheap- look at mega bus from £1!
As an aside given what you've said about her perhaps a year out working and also building up resilience would support her longer term both mentally and financially at uni?

I'm amazed that I actually have more belief in the ability of young adults more than most of the people who are wading into this thread! Give your soon to be university students some credit!

Crabby you must think we go to open days because we think our dc are not capable of getting there or looking round by themselves. That's ridiculous of course they are! But we go because we're interested, nosey, want to show them support and they like having someone to talk about the day with.

The vast majority of open days have parents also attending, so in a way it's self perpetuated - when I went eons ago, by myself everyone else was on their own too so it was easy to buddy up with someone. Nowadays the lone applicant would probably spend the day by themselves - which can be a bit miserable.

You'll do the same

I just graduated from one of the big unis down south and still living here, she's more than welcome to stay with me free of charge and have someone show here the sights etc :) although typing this out made me realise how weird it may be

“and that the actual day of their University interview most certainly isn't the best time to be worrying about travelling to a new place and dealing with multiple train and bus routes and cancellations etc etc. There's plenty of other opportunities for them to prepare for adulthood and University life once they've actually got their place!”

This ^^ with bells on

Well bully for you Trinity36 - you didn’t suffer from anxiety and depression (bangs head against a brick wall)

Excellent post TalkinPeace. I couldn’t agree more. Quite frankly I find the woeful lack of understanding about anxiety and depression on this thread depressing. Telling an 18 year old with anxiety to travel on several trains, stay in a hotel on their own, then go for a gruelling day of interviews is like telling a deaf person to listen to music

I’m looking at you Thecrabbypatty and LemonShark. Your comments are spectacularly unhelpful to just tell her to go on her own. Are you so socially unaware that you can’t recognise that all people are different? Do you not understand that some children take longer to find their feet, or were you always insensitive and unfeeling and completely devoid of any empathy and understanding?

Do you not realise that us parents desperately want our anxiety ridden children to be confident and independent? Why do you think it is a good idea to deliberately set your child up to fail by not offering some support when it is required? That is just shit parenting IMO.

Definitely try breaking the journey into smaller sections. I did this recently and stayed on the same train in the same seat just swapped tickets. It halved the price.

That's a nice and reasonable explanation of this new trend titchy so thank you :)

I hope this whole university interview episode helps both OP and her daughter to take the big leap and helps her overcome some of the difficulties she is having at the moment.

But I can't say it enough.. Megabus and hostels when needs must financially.