the cost of getting your child to Uni!

[Ineedsharesintravelodge]

Not so much an AIBU, just looking for some advice really. I have name changed for this, as I have a few friends & relatives who are on Mumsnet also. Sorry that this is long!!

My 18 year old has been looking at specific degree courses (don't want to say what, as quite outing) and she has applied for a few through UCAS and one independently, but I am finding the cost of getting her to the interviews extortionate. Most of the Universities she has applied for are 4-6 hours travelling distance away, and without gong into details about her course, she would be expected to stay at the Uni for 5-6 hrs on the day of the interview as there are several parts to the interview. As a non-driver this entails mostly two overnight stays per interview - one on the way there and one on the way back as there aren't any trains to get us there in time on the same day, or to get us back to our small northern town afterwards on the same day. Most of the Unis that she has applied to are down south, so even budget hotel lines can be fairly expensive, depending on the day and area. None of the interviews can be changed as these are mostly the last dates available, and none are consecutive so we can't take advantage of attending one the day after another.

I have priced it up for her to travel alone (daunting for a just 18 yr old from a small rural northern town - journeys are up to / 5 train changes mostly via London) and by the time we have used our railcard it doesn't make much of a price difference, and the hotels seem to charge around the same for 1 or 2 people in a room so it makes more sense for us both to go so she has the reassurance about the travel. We don't have anyone to ask who could drive her there instead, (her dad wont take time off work for this, nor will he contribute anything towards the cost. He feels he has done his part as he contributed 25% of the cost of attending a Uni open day, of which she has only been to one ).

After working it out, I have estimated that each trip will cost in the region of £250 - £350, and that is staying at cheapest hotels, travelling at cheapest time of the day whenever possible to fit in around the timing of the interview. All of the interview dates are within a 3 week window in March - how the heck am I supposed to afford it, I am a single parent on a low income, and although I have been putting some money away towards this (as and when I could afford it) it won't even cover one of the trips.

I just don't know what to do.

Do I tell her that I can't afford it, and that she can't go? Do I near bankrupt myself, by borrowing money from my household bills to take her? The amount that I am needing to find by March (or preferably before then, to get the cheapest hotel & train rates) could take me years to pay off / re juggle household bills up to date.
Do we risk it and only attend one or two? (what then, if she is offered a place at neither, and she has missed the other interviews?)
Or just go to her first couple of choice interviews but these have more demand for places?
We have discussed the possibility of not attending later interviews if she is offered a place at an earlier one, but these are not her first choice Unis within the first few interviews, and ideally we would have travel booked asap for the best prices, as leaving it until the week before to book is so expensive.
It's a dilemma. Please don't say, I should have saved for this - I have done my best, but money in our house is very tight and we only have a little disposable income each month. Just want some ideas, suggestions on the best thing to do in this situation!

@hairspraybabe
I'm so glad you're holding your own because a phone or Skype call is surely the answer! And has pp have said universities have equalities quotas (and I hope values!) so she should definitely say she can't afford to travel for the interview.

I am more than happy to drop her at the uni and clear off, I would rather do that than wait around TBH. Nowhere round here to fly to, nearest airports are a third of the journey (and at least two train journeys away). And there is no one I can ask to come and pick us up late at night! My family don't give a monkeys (they are all tea and sympathy if I tell them we are stuck to get home, but can never put themselves out to help out IYSWIM). I will find a way to finance her if she gets a place, I am self employed and will take a second job if necessary. At the moment, I do work quite a lot of (self employed) hrs but this also gives me the flexibility/time off to accompany my daughter when needed.

From what you've said about the interview process, it sounds like it could be a fairly intensive degree? (Medicine or similar?) I have 2 DCs on such courses, and they are not allowed to work to supplement their income. I only mention this as, like you, I was staggered by the cost of travelling to interviews at the other end of the country but it is nothing compared with their living costs now.

The maintenance part of the student loan does not even fully cover their rent; let alone books, equipment, travel to weekly clinical placement, food, toiletries etc etc. We are financing all this. Sorry to worry you, but I wish that someone had warned us!

Ok, thats a shame about your less than supportive family. So how is your credit score - could you get an interest free credit card and wack the cost on there?

I have 2 DCs on such courses, and they are not allowed to work to supplement their income

My two DC are allowed to work, however, my son's chosen Degree is so demanding that there is simply no way he could work as well. He is often in the library until 1am. He is extremely academic, and is still struggling to keep up, given the sheer complexity of the subject matter and the volume of work. My daughter's course isn't as difficult and she wants a part time job, but having applied for lots, she has yet to hear back from anyone. Yes, I suspect that you and your Ex will have to fund her for all the extra's that her grant won't cover.

What is her interview for OP? Because medicine, teaching and performing arts all require a certain degree of resilience.

My eldest is a tad dodgy mental health wise and we encouraged her to apply for courses fairly near home. She is an hour away from us and has taken her old banger to uni with her. It is really straight forward for her to come home for the odd overnight or even afternoon when she is feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure she would have stuck with her course without this outlet.

Your DD seems to be struggling a bit. Do you think she might benefit for a year off to build her confidence? She could maybe work and get some savings together to help her through uni.

I agree with others that at open days all the parents are there, but when it gets to interviews the student is on their own. When ds had an interview there was a letter respectfully informing parents that they would not be allowed in the building (they'd obviously had some over-enthusiastic parents!).

When ds was applying he had to be realistic. Some universities were far away and would have cost a lot to get to - and there would be no trips home or parental visits in term time!

That's not to say settle for too little, but think about what it means to be at the other end of the country for extended periods - especially if the student has form for anxiety/mental health issues.

We have the same problem with our 18 year old dd. Can your dd rearrange interviews so they are on 2 consecutive days so if you have to stay away it will only be for one night? My dd has done this with Manchester and Newcastle unis so only one night away is required. I will go with her and we will travel on 2 together railcard. She will do other trips by herself in one day so I'm also buying her a student railcard. Do also look at coaches - they are a fraction of the price.

Some unis will contribute financially if you are on a tight budget or from a certain area. Look on their websites but if no luck ring their admin - this wont impact on your dd's outcome as finances are dealt with by an entirely different department.

Finally look into skype interviews. Some unis offer these (eg for art courses) as not everyone can travel to the interviews. Check before you start buying tickets.

Good luck to your dd!

Thanks all, I'm overwhelmed at how many people have replied. Whether supportive or not, thank you to everyone has read this thread and taken the time to reply.

In reply to TinklyLittleLaugh, I would rather not disclose what the course is, yes it is a high commitment course and one that she has worked hard for. I think that part of her depression is being at home (not me) but the whole small town / same folks / same problems. She can't wait to get out of here! And the school have been quite dire through 6th form, but no sense dropping out at this stage in her A-levels. With some support regarding the initial travelling she will do so much better once she is at Uni. She manages local train journeys fine by herself regularly, but on routes that she is familiar with. The distance isn't the problem, just the unfamiliarity of it. To be fair, I think once she is there, it will be hard to convince her to come back home once in a while (at least I hope so, because then I know she is happy).

So are you going to let the Uni know you are having problems with the cost?

I don't understand what is stopping you from asking for help.

I would also second PPs suggesting you daughter also looks into similar/the same courses a closer to home.

OP - definitely go with her.

Posters like LemonShark telling you you shouldn't be going clearly haven't done any university open days recently.

I've done 3 x kids visiting university's these past few years, most uni applicants have at least one parent there for the open days. Whether you think it's right or wrong, it's absolutely the norm.

Go with her, she'll appreciate it.

If sending her off is the best long term option for her happiness and fulfillment then it's worth a shot...

But do ask the places she is headed for financial support. it is unlikely to reflect badly on her.

My DC (18) got through the first term in London on an average £10 per day but that included me paying for self catering halls and travel home.

Definitely contact the Unis
because their Widening Participation funding is aimed squarely at people like you and your DD

Thing is though Ineed when she starts uni everything will be unfamiliar. She will have a massive amount of stuff to sort out on her own. I get that you think she will do better out of your small town environment, but going to uni a long distance from home, when you are someone who is not confident to take an unfamiliar train journey on your own, or use a youth hostel, well, it's rather being thrown in at the deep end, sink or swim.

@throughtickandthin01

OP - definitely go with her. Posters like LemonShark telling you you shouldn't be going clearly haven't done any university open days recently.

I've done 3 x kids visiting university's these past few years, most uni applicants have at least one parent there for the open days. Whether you think it's right or wrong, it's absolutely the norm.

Go with her, she'll appreciate it.

@fakemews

I second everything petbear says. I've been through this twice and the occasional student without a parent stood out a mile. Lots of 18 year olds are super confident independent travellers but not all. Certainly not if they come from a rural area and have anxiety. Also yes to all the travel over three years of uni life.

This ^ The (few) posters who are saying it's embarrassing and weird for parents to go to uni open days (and many don't go,) are definitely wrong.

Of all nine uni open days that I went to, (between 2011 and 2013, and one with my nephew in 2016,) there were very few young people on their own, and as a pp said, they stood out a mile, and some people felt a bit sorry for them, as they clearly had no family support. Indeed, a few of them hung around other potential students, (and their parents,) so they weren't alone, and had some support. As has been said, they do go in on their own for interviews, but most parents definitely go to the uni open days.

If you are supportive parents, why WOULDN'T you be there on the open days? And also the first day..... 99% of parents were there on the first day, when we took BOTH our daughters, but I suppose THAT is 'embarrassing' as well is it?! )

There is nothing 'embarrassing' about having supportive parents, and it's utter bollocks that the other students will laugh at people having their parents with them on uni open days, and the day they move into halls.

As I said, most students have their parents there, and the ones who don't stand out a mile. It's a stressful, and worrying time for young people who are moving 100's of miles away from their family and everything they know. It's plain cruel to make them/expect them to do it alone. Anyone who DID do it alone, I genuinely pity you.

Don't most parents take their children when they start at uni? Isn't there too much to carry in just one rucksack/case?

No great advice OP, but the cost is killing me too. DS has to get to flipping Exeter for 9.30am and that means travelling at peak times & the cost is so expensive it hurts. I've looked at a train or coach the night before but I can't get a hotel cheap enough to make it worthwhile. I've looked at ticket splitting, going via Aberdeen - you name it, I've looked.

I've enquired if Exeter Admissions might reimburse the cost & they've said no. I asked if the interview could be later and the day & that is also a no. I've asked if the interview could be by Skype and that too was a no!!!!!! GAH!!!!!!!

"Today 16:32 LoniceraJaponica

Don't most parents take their children when they start at uni? Isn't there too much to carry in just one rucksack/case?"

In my day (all of a decade ago which is nothing) some parents or older siblings did drop people off at halls if they had a lot of luggage to carry. But didn't stay! The students wanted to get settled in, set up their rooms and meet their block mates!

No need to pity those of us who went alone petbear, really. It was fine. A uni open day is not a cause for a handhold for all but a few students who maybe weren't quite ready to cope on their own. It's their studies. Their decision. Not their parents. Everyone I spoke to who did it alone (to be fair I don't know anyone who didn't in our circle and the new people I met) didn't even consider they might have parents along: what would be the need?

DD did one open day with me there (and yes, we ended up adopting a girl who was alone and wanted somebody to have lunch with)

and one on her own - where she latched on to somebody else from down south

And when they move in at the start of First year - OF COURSE the parents go with them
FFS the amount of crap stuff they take nowadays cannot go on the train !

So many parents going to open days didn't happen when I was applying 10 years ago- strange really, it might be normal but it doesn't mean it's good. I certainly side -eyed those who didn't have the gumption to go by themselves. Indicates how much has changed in the University sector in a decade I suppose.
Depression and anxiety are exceptions but why do so many parents want to come/students want their parents to come?

As a side, it irks me when parents who are keen on their kids going to Oxbridge/doing medicine/other intense courses are so involved in the application process, surely if your child is smart enough to do one of those things they should be capable of negotiating trains across the country, looking up an open day etc. etc.
Anyway that's my harrumph about it - not really about the OP though so sorry to derail.

In my day we had full student grants, and parents didn't have to subsidise their children at university. Given that many parents do these days I think it is fair that they see what they are getting for their money.

When DD goes to university I will be hands off, but I will be taking her as she will probably want to take half the kitchen with her

On a practical note you can overnight megabus if you have to - needs must and it saves paying for accommodation.

lonicera
Yup it was the kitchen stuff and food that took loads of space

and watching the boys unpacking their gaming PCs as well as their laptops

My DS2 did his open days on his own. He said it was much better as the academics talked to him and showed an interest in important issues surrounding the course and future prospects. He said that the applicants with parents seemed to get more general conversation geared at the parents. He was motivated and confident and had chosen a somewhat unusual creative course, I just felt we would be cramping his style to go along. He graduated last year and got a job with decent pay within days of graduating, in a sector known for overuse of interns and low pay, I've always believed in encouraging independence and apart from steering him towards RG unis we took a back seat in his choices.

Although I went to the open days with DD (it was easier, quicker and cheaper to drive her to most of them) she did many subject talks and tours without me. We ate lunch together though.