the cost of getting your child to Uni!

[Ineedsharesintravelodge]

Not so much an AIBU, just looking for some advice really. I have name changed for this, as I have a few friends & relatives who are on Mumsnet also. Sorry that this is long!!

My 18 year old has been looking at specific degree courses (don't want to say what, as quite outing) and she has applied for a few through UCAS and one independently, but I am finding the cost of getting her to the interviews extortionate. Most of the Universities she has applied for are 4-6 hours travelling distance away, and without gong into details about her course, she would be expected to stay at the Uni for 5-6 hrs on the day of the interview as there are several parts to the interview. As a non-driver this entails mostly two overnight stays per interview - one on the way there and one on the way back as there aren't any trains to get us there in time on the same day, or to get us back to our small northern town afterwards on the same day. Most of the Unis that she has applied to are down south, so even budget hotel lines can be fairly expensive, depending on the day and area. None of the interviews can be changed as these are mostly the last dates available, and none are consecutive so we can't take advantage of attending one the day after another.

I have priced it up for her to travel alone (daunting for a just 18 yr old from a small rural northern town - journeys are up to / 5 train changes mostly via London) and by the time we have used our railcard it doesn't make much of a price difference, and the hotels seem to charge around the same for 1 or 2 people in a room so it makes more sense for us both to go so she has the reassurance about the travel. We don't have anyone to ask who could drive her there instead, (her dad wont take time off work for this, nor will he contribute anything towards the cost. He feels he has done his part as he contributed 25% of the cost of attending a Uni open day, of which she has only been to one ).

After working it out, I have estimated that each trip will cost in the region of £250 - £350, and that is staying at cheapest hotels, travelling at cheapest time of the day whenever possible to fit in around the timing of the interview. All of the interview dates are within a 3 week window in March - how the heck am I supposed to afford it, I am a single parent on a low income, and although I have been putting some money away towards this (as and when I could afford it) it won't even cover one of the trips.

I just don't know what to do.

Do I tell her that I can't afford it, and that she can't go? Do I near bankrupt myself, by borrowing money from my household bills to take her? The amount that I am needing to find by March (or preferably before then, to get the cheapest hotel & train rates) could take me years to pay off / re juggle household bills up to date.
Do we risk it and only attend one or two? (what then, if she is offered a place at neither, and she has missed the other interviews?)
Or just go to her first couple of choice interviews but these have more demand for places?
We have discussed the possibility of not attending later interviews if she is offered a place at an earlier one, but these are not her first choice Unis within the first few interviews, and ideally we would have travel booked asap for the best prices, as leaving it until the week before to book is so expensive.
It's a dilemma. Please don't say, I should have saved for this - I have done my best, but money in our house is very tight and we only have a little disposable income each month. Just want some ideas, suggestions on the best thing to do in this situation!

The Op has already said she cannot go on her own. Read the full thread!

That was aimed at @hairspraybabe ^

@ineedsharesintravelodge

Not much advice sorry, but much sympathy. My 2 have left now (several years ago!) but they both went, and the uni open days were a fucking PITA. We went to NINE over 2 years, several of them 200+ miles away. It really fucked me off that they kept picking uni's so far away, when there were 3 or 4 that did the same damn course.

One of our daughters ended up 220 miles away which pissed us off as we had to 'to and fro' to take her there, and take all her stuff, and at the end of the first year, she broke a rib and couldn't get the train back, so we had to do a 450 mile round trip to get her and her stuff for summer.

The other went 150 miles away which was also a bloody PITA. They moved back to our town 6-12 months after leaving uni though, and now live 20 miles away from us which is nice, but it was hard going for 4 or 5 years, I'm not gonna lie. So don't expect things to get better. You need to try and find financial support from grants and bursaries or the child's father or something.

And yeah, the cost of having to take them to all the open days is a fucking bollock ache. And I agree with the people saying the child cannot go on their own. Fuck them being 18.

@LemonShark and @givemesteel

"Trust me she will be embarrassed to rock up with her mum when everyone else will be there on their own. "

Definitely, it's embarrassing and humiliating as an 18 year old adult to have your mum there with you at what should be your uni interview! If you do go OP please make sure you leave her to it during the days and go do your own thing.

Oh do give over! It's a load of shit that 'everyone else will be on their own...' At ALL NINE of the uni open days we went to, around three quarters of the young people there had their parents with them. So don't talk such nonsense!

The OP and her daughter has my utmost sympathy. Supporting children through uni is bloody hard work, and also very costly. No-one warns you about all the costs involved. And the OP still has to contend with the cost of buying everything her daughter needs for her halls yet, AND the first month's rent, AND the deposit for the room (which is often around £400-£500!) When she actually starts, you will need to find around £1000.

OP, I agree with trying megabus, they are very cheap. Alternatively, try to get your daughter to pick a few universities that are much closer.

"My daughter doesn't have depression or anxiety, but I really don't understand why so many posters wouldn't offer support to their sons and daughters by accompanying them, and make the process as stress free as possible."

But learning to be an adult isn't about every single thing being as stress free as possible. Sometimes it's about learning to be independent and deal with the difficult emotions that come with that. Going away to uni at 18 is one of those times surely that it's most important to learn to be a grown up

OP your daughter has anxiety also? You didn't say in your original post. You said she had depression.

Is she getting any therapy and meds for her mental health problems? I fear if she's so bad that she can't even go to an interview elsewhere in the country alone at this age she's going to have a massive dose of shock when she does move out and away and you're not there every minute of the day.

I am not saying she has to go on her own @petbear

I am saying her daughter should email the uni and ask for help in one form or another.

I think Skype/phone interviews would solve the issue, and from my experience most unis are more than willing to do that.

Contact admissions to find out whether the interview is actually necessary.

Some courses at some universities use interviews as a recruitment tool, because applicants who attend interviews are thought to be more likely to ultimately choose the institution that interviews them.

So ask the question and make sure you have the answer in writing.

I think that some people are missing the point that there is a process to the interview for this course, and that the students have to attend which is a 5-6 hr day consisting of several interview parts - it's not something you can do in 30 mins over skype or reschedule for another day. Yes, there are alternative days, but no attend /no offer of a place. And we still face the same issues of cost. I am reading all of your replies, and taking suggestions on board, and looking at as many alternative options as possible, but there have been several people saying to just reschedule / do it by skype, and I wanted to make it clear that it's not an option. Also, my daughter is very confident with regard to the interview process itself, (normal amount of nerves but nothing untoward). It's the travelling and overnight stay that worry her - she will cope just fine once she is at Uni (as long as her depression doesn't take hold again) because she will have made the journey at least twice so will know what to expect. It's the fear of the unknown / unexpected that concerns her.

It's not nonsense petbear maybe things have changed since I went (only a decade ago so I'm surprised!). But in the experience of me and all of the friends I had who went to uni, it was a rarity for someone to be accompanied by parents as it'd have been not only embarrassing but a little awkward as the implication would have been that you couldn't handle it alone, which as someone who is an adult and getting ready to leave home is concerning. The few that did seemed to be foreign students with their parents, and I reckon that was because they had travelled to another country with them and were paying so very much for the course they wanted to be sure of what they were paying for. Which is a tad different to your child going a few hours away in your own country.

OP's daughter may be one of the odd few students who just don't care what others think and if so, fair play, though i don't think it's bad to point out she'll be the odd one out.

If she refuses to share a room or travel alone I can definitely see why the costs seem prohibitive OP, whatever she's doing to manage her mental health may need looking at as it's a shame for her to be so restricted at her age with uni coming up. I'd highly recommend she approach her GP to discuss some therapy such as CBT if she's not already having it so she's in a better more independent place by the time she's at uni.

If she can't find any strategies to help her work out how to room share or travel alone she will have no option but to choose two or three options and just attend those. I'm sure she'll understand given circumstances

I think Skype/phone interviews would solve the issue.

Depends on the type of interview, DD had MMI interviews which i think would be difficult to do by skype or phone.

"It's the fear of the unknown / unexpected that concerns her."

Which is the case with almost all forms of anxiety. Avoidance maintains anxiety. The more you give in to it and avoid what you're afraid of the more it keeps anxiety going. I'd encourage her to make some steps in the next few weeks to start exploring smaller journeys and places that are unknown to her so she can learn to manage her anxiety and learn she can cope and nothing horrific is going to happen. It'll help her at uni and then maybe you can book the last few trips on her own as a goal to work towards.

I hope she can get some help with her MH issues; she'll be eligible for adult mental health treatment now she's eighteen. But ultimately however much you want to help her only she can be the one to make those steps for herself.

LemonShark It's a good job you don't have a teenager with anxiety
If you had a teenager who would rather stay home than meet friends a 4 mile bus ride away beause the very idea of getting on a bus makes them want to cry how do you expect them to travel on several trains and find accommodation, plus deal with the stress of an interview. You just don't get it do you?

Just to add, she is getting help for her depression - she has the right meds and sees GP regularly and has had counselling.

Just to say, thanks to Petbear - you seem to have hit the nail right on the head and get where I am coming from. Thankyou!

Can you get any help from NUS?

Go email the unis - tell them the situation, give them some suggestions - e.g. skype, hardship funds, other suggestions that have been made on this thread. You will be surprised at how helpful they will be if you are just honest with them.

That's good OP. Maybe your daughter can bring this situation up to her therapist and ask about coping strategies for dealing with uncertainty/unknown and pushing herself to confront difficult situations rather than avoidance. I hope it all works out for her :)

I second everything petbear says.
I've been through this twice and the occasional student without a parent stood out a mile. Lots of 18 year olds are super confident independent travellers but not all. Certainly not if they come from a rural area and have anxiety. Also yes to all the travel over three years of uni life.

OP your best advice on getting funding has been from those in uni admissions who have outlined how to ask for help.
However I would also question whether the cost of going to uni is going to be a problem. I'm guessing these interviews are London / South East? The cost of actually studying varies enormously and even with maximum loan your DD may not be able to afford to live in some places.
I would urge you to encourage her to choose somewhere nearer.

Thinking further forward, I'd be concerned about how you will finance her, if she does get a place at Uni. You need to purchase several text books, pay Halls costs, and buy everything she will need to furnish her room (duvets/pillows/towels), plus all stationery etc. I think I spent about £1000 per child setting them up. And I now send them a monthly allowance too, because the grant they get only just covers their room rental, so they need money for everything else, like food, socialising etc. Your ExH will need to contribute to this, for the next 4-5 years. Are you sure that your ExH is paying the correct amount of Child Maintenance? That doesn't sound enough for 2 children!

DD and I did several open days last year. I don't recall seeing many would be students without parents. I just stayed in the background, but some open days - York being one of them, seemed to be a family day out.

Things have changed a lot since you were a young very confident student LemonShark

"Today 14:11 LoniceraJaponica

LemonShark It's a good job you don't have a teenager with anxiety hmm
If you had a teenager who would rather stay home than meet friends a 4 mile bus ride away beause the very idea of getting on a bus makes them want to cry how do you expect them to travel on several trains and find accommodation, plus deal with the stress of an interview. You just don't get it do you?"

are you for real? You encourage them to create a hierarchy of difficult feared situations and start working through them, sometimes with your support working up to doing it alone. You don't just say 'oh she has anxiety so she can't do it', throw your hands up in the air and accept that this is how they are and will always be. Would you genuinely just say fair enough and encourage your child to stay in their room never exposing themselves to any opportunities to learn how to manage their anxiety?

Regards accompanying her, in my experience most parents went with their DC to the Open Days. But for her actual interview, you'd need to drop her at the venue and then bugger off.

OP, is there really no way you can do even one side of the journey in the same day? There are trains that leave Euston / Kings Cross quite late evening that go quite far north, then ask a relative to pick-up? I used to live a 1.5 hour drive from York and a good friend picked me up at midnight once when I was at uni.

OP there is a Higher Education board where there are lots of posters who actually have 18 year old DC and experience in all this kind of thing. Worth remembering in future as I'm sure this won't be the last obstacle.

Anyone else from your DC's school going to same interview days? Could she go with them?

Can you look at taking the ' Caledonian sleeper' on the way back north instead of a hotel. It might get you back too far north (Scotland) but you may have cheap/short travel bus distances to Scotland. You can on occasion get a v cheap overnight ticket especially if you just take a seat and not a cabin.

Admittedly depending how rural you are this might be less of an option...consider a cheap flight back. One of mine had 3 interviews in London and going down by train returning by air meant accommodation could be eliminated. Mine too had to prune back the number of interviews because of cost

You need to contact the universities!

If you don't tell them there is a problem how can they help you!

But for her actual interview, you'd need to drop her at the venue and then bugger off.
The two interviews dd went with one of us, she went to the interview alone and we went our own way, however they did do tours for parents, if they wanted to go along.

Hi I find train fares cheaper is you book all tickets yourself ie two trains two tickets or 4 if return it Newcastle to York and say York to Scarborough was quoted 130 for returns I paid separately and saved 50 pound ish also I found b and bs cheaper