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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 01:10

Right, so you're so angry about ill gotten wealth, that you purposely sneer at and goad anonymous posters on a forum with deliberately chosen language meant to demean what they believe?

Wealth and power. There are unelected bishops in the House of Lords making laws on the basis of beliefs which, if they were put forward anywhere else other than the religious sphere, would be sneered at by anyone with half a brain.

Itscurtainsforyou · 05/02/2018 01:13

OP you've come up with a number if reasons why you don't want her to stop going to church:

  • you think it's lazy
  • if people see you turn up with 2 kids they'll think you've failed
  • the vicar said that more young people should be at church.

What about HER? What about helping her work out what she wants/believes? Why would you expose her to teachings that say she's not "trying hard enough" to experience god (potentially harmful viewpoints).

Do you think there are other things about the church that are putting her off? What about sexuality/equal marriage? The church is often lagging behind society in its approach to these subjects and your daughter could be seeing them as outdated or completely contrary to her own views.

Either way, listen to her.

computationalAspects · 05/02/2018 01:14

Because religion is evil

Stated as fact when that's a personal opinion.

I'd say it's a theory in the sense of "well-substantiated explanation ... based on a body of facts that have been repeatedly confirmed through observation and experiment"

theftbyfinding · 05/02/2018 01:15

You're worried about how you will look to the vicar more than what this is doing to your dd. Nice. How very loving of you.

scottishdiem · 05/02/2018 01:15

but that she thinks "all the resurrection/saviour stuff is silly and like something out of Game of Thrones

  1. Pretty sure someone is going to be along soon clutching pearls soon about a 15 year old reading/watching GoT.
  1. The Saviour thing is a problem when comparing the idea of Sin being inherited from Adam yet Adam not existing due to evolution so it does start to look really odd very quickly. Jesus having to die 2000 years ago to save the souls of babies yet to be born is....interesting.
  1. Without the resurrection there is no Christianity to be honest. Not believing in that part renders the rest somewhat mute. She may still feel an element of spirituality but thats it.

OP - what do you get from your faith outside the hour or two in Church on Sunday. If she cant see it and its effect on you then she wont want to try it. Going to hear a minister do a service for a few weeks wont change that.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 01:16

So you're assuming OP is one of those bishops, hence you directing all that aggression and condescension on her?

Probably best to ask first, no?

Footiegirl84 · 05/02/2018 01:16

You need to stop being selfish.
Who cares what others think whoever you take to church!!
You need to let your daughter be who she is and not force her to believe

NewYearNiki · 05/02/2018 01:17

I didnt get further than this:

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

She has come back because you brow beat her.

I am in my late 30s and my mum still doesn't believe me when I say I am an atheist.

Lashalicious · 05/02/2018 01:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

octonaught · 05/02/2018 01:22

My Catholic mother guilt tripped me into going to Mass till I was 18.
30 years later I have never set foot inside a Church.

I'm more interested in Buddhism now

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 01:26

So you're assuming OP is one of those bishops, hence you directing all that aggression and condescension on her?

?? I’m celebrating her daughter’s clear-headed examination of the world around her and inviting the OP to seriously consider why her daughter - despite years of teaching - thinks the idea of the reported death and then not-death of a man 2,000 years ago is inherently silly.

I think this could genuinely by a worthwhile thread if the OP takes another look at some of her own postings. She’s told us she doesn’t really do Jesus for most of the week. She’s told us she’s most concerned about the reaction of the vicar, not the lack of faith of her own daughter. She’s reminded us of the social support (not religious truth) she’s got from the church.

Does that sound like someone whose life is being filled with the most vital and significant ‘truth’ that humanity can know? I hope the daughter can lead her mum on a real journey towards truth.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 05/02/2018 01:28

You don't get to say there is no GOD my dear.

Of course they do. Just like those who believe in a god get to say there is one (or 7 or 900) My dear.

JockTamsonsBairns · 05/02/2018 01:30

Lash you sound a little unhinged. U ok hun? Xx

DoubleRamsey · 05/02/2018 01:32

Op don't force the issue, let her stay at home with her Dad. Faith is such a personal thing and she has told you she doesn't believe! It's hard to accept she doesn't share your faith but you need to come to terms with it.

If you are really worried about her you can pray for her in private.

Don't worry about what the church thinks, if they are supportive and good people they will help you deal with how you feel about this situation without bringing your daughter into it.

 Shock @EastMidsMummy have religious people done something horrible to you in the past?! I can't imagine why you are getting so worked up about what other people choose to believe. It's a bit like when vegans start comparing meat eating to the holocaust. It making you look a bit unhinged.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 01:33

East, you don't know her or her daughter. So to be celebrating it is a bit weird and over invested.

But regarding an interesting discussion, your language and that of other posters is hardly conducive to open, respectful conversation.

It's an emotive subject. It probably shouldn't be but it tends to be. And belittling, disrespecting, and patronising people with opposing views is a surefire way to shut down any discussion, interesting or otherwise.

As I've said several times, the most zealous people on these threads are always, always the bizarrely aggressive non-believers. It's very odd.

MLMsuperfan · 05/02/2018 01:34

I was literally forced to sing hymns and say prayers in school for my whole school career.

That's a lot of time I'll never get back dedicated to someone else's idea of spirituality.

I'm owed a few hundred hours of voicing my dissent before you can even begin to talk about militant atheism.

YOU can believe what you like. You may gently offer your ideas to others, or your children, but no more.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree · 05/02/2018 01:35

See, that's just rude though.Is there any need?

Yes actually I think there is a need to remind people that their faith is one of many man made stories they have told themselves to believe.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 01:36

Why?

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 01:37

I am an oasis of calm, thanks. People can believe what they like, but when they start to impose their irrational bollocks on the rest of us and make claims about the nature of reality with no evidence, we should be allowed to point it out.

MadMags · 05/02/2018 01:39

Where has OP imposed it on you? I missed that post...

DoubleRamsey · 05/02/2018 01:40

@EastMidsMummy ah ok, it just sounded a wee bit like you were trying to impose your beliefs on the OP while simultaneously telling her not to do that to her daughter.

Original poster
jessicabenomi · 05/02/2018 01:40

Well, anyway....

Thanks for all the well-meaning advice.

I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do. I'm sure he has lots of experience of teens losing their faith and then coming back later.

OP posts:
MLMsuperfan · 05/02/2018 01:41

Imposing beliefs is coercing someone to church.

This is called 'discussion'.

MouseholeCat · 05/02/2018 01:41

Surely if anyone questions her absence and is concerned about teens disengaging, the onus lies with a Church whose ministry isn't resonating with the lives of its younger members?

I'm not religious, but I can't imagine that any Church would want a congregation of young people, coerced into going, getting nothing from the service.

She's of an age where you should listen to what she's telling you and let her stay home. When she's older, she may remember how religion has helped you and return to a Church of her own volition. Or she might find something else that gives her comfort.

itshappening · 05/02/2018 01:42

I think you know deep down that worrying about what the vicar or other people at church think should not be a consideration at this point. You are not under some obligation to force your children to the church.

Your dd sounds like she is thinking things through for herself and whether she chooses religion or not it has to be genuine and come from within. I have seen people who do not believe trying to force themselves to, and those who do believe sometimes trying to force themselves not to because they have been upset by their experiences with church or family. Either way, it doesn't work, they need to be honest.

You have shown your Dd what the community and support is, and if she wants to access that again at any point she can. If she wants to go to a few adult services, fine. Leave her free to choose though, now and in the future. No other way will end well.

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