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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 05/02/2018 10:08

@nextDayDelivery I have no difficulty with reasoned debate, it's a good thing. But not what we get here. How do you account for the fact that some very eminent scientists believe in God if it's so obviously nonsense?

Jesus was a totally historical character whatever you might believe about his identity.

If you can use proper arguments to justify what you're saying without using childish insults then by all means I'll listen.

malificent7 · 05/02/2018 10:10

You should applaud your dd for having her own mind and forming her own beliefs.

Id hate it if anyone prayed for me...immensely patronising...

MNHQ
SophieLMumsnet · 05/02/2018 10:11

Morning all,

Thanks for all your reports.

Can we ask for some Peace and Love, please? We've no reason to doubt that OP's genuine, and we can also see that she's cleared up the Vicar/Minister confusion - so could we draw a line? We'd hate to have to remove the thread.

If anyone has any further worries at all, just hit the report button and let us know.

Thanks Flowers

malificent7 · 05/02/2018 10:11

I went to church but now am interested in bhuddism. Fwiw i think religion is nonsense but we are all different.

BubblesBuddy · 05/02/2018 10:13

This vicar (or anyone called something else) is actually using coercive tactics to get young people into church. Religious freedoms are expected here but that does not give a green light to parents and vicars to not respect the views and wishes of individuals. Why should a teenager have to agree with a parent on something so fundamental?

Therefore let her decide. It isn’t your place to decide for her. She’s not suddenly become a bad person for not going to Church has she? She still needs your love and care. Any decent religious person would understand this.

Who cares what others think? This isn’t religion, it’s brainwashing and any loving parent should know better. No wonder Church attendance is falling. It’s not inclusive, it’s browbeating and manipulative. It’s equivalent to forcing the young to attend by any possible means. You should be ashamed of yourself OP and you should put your DDs views above all others.

ChoudeBruxelles · 05/02/2018 10:16

Yes yabu. If you were forced to go and worship something you didn’t believe in how happy would you be?

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 10:18

Bartholins It would not be a part of the Methodist church if they decided to do things differently. You clearly don't know.

Jessica Apologies if lots of us thought this incredibly odd. I don't know anyone who has been going to a Methodist church for years and years to make that mix up

BubblesBuddy · 05/02/2018 10:18

My DDs went to a Methodist school and it was very light touch. They attended services at school (daily act of worship) but were not forced to think anything further about religion. The school chaplain was a fantastic woman. She knew forcing religion on 500 girls wasn’t going to work so they talked about love and caring for each other and friendship which was much more productive. They were never forced to do more than the bare minimum regarding attending Chapel. Other religions could opt out if they wished.

MadeleineMaxwell · 05/02/2018 10:19

I have no difficulty with reasoned debate, it's a good thing. But not what we get here. How do you account for the fact that some very eminent scientists believe in God if it's so obviously nonsense?

Which ones, in particular, are you thinking of here?

This article, from a Christian source no less, is quite interesting on that subject.

'Full disclosure: We did find that scientists at top universities are much less likely to believe in God than the general population in several national contexts. And many of them do believe that science is the only true way of understanding the world. However, few are actively hostile toward religion. The proportion who believe there is no God varied immensely by nation, ranging from a high of 51 percent in France to a low of 6 percent in Turkey. (...)

In some national contexts, a majority or near majority of scientists are what I call “complete modernists,” a term borrowed from a scientist we interviewed. These scientists either do not believe in God, or they do not know if God exists and they don’t believe there is a way to find out. They are not affiliated with any religious community, and they do not identify as religious or spiritual.'

PrimalLass · 05/02/2018 10:20

I stopped going at about the same age. Although I quite liked the social aspect and the routine, I simply did not believe in it.

TruJay · 05/02/2018 10:21

Haven't rtft but my dh was forced to go to church, he missed out on a professional sports career because of it along with many other things. His relationship with his mum is terrible because if forced religion and she still forces religion on us to this day.
It isn't nice, yabu, don't do it to your daughter

rcit · 05/02/2018 10:22

Don’t make her go. She doesn’t need to go in order to believe in God. But as you have pointed out, the Sunday school stuff she’s doing is actively putting her off God. And don’t involve the vicar either. That will backfire just like the Sunday school.

SadieHH · 05/02/2018 10:22

I haven’t read the thread, don’t suppose I’m going to say anything different to anyone else really. I’m Catholic, dds are at Catholic primary. Eldest is 10 and altar serves, happy to do so. But if at 14 they turn to me and say they don’t want to go then that’s a decision I’ll respect. I will lay the foundations and it’s up to them what they do with it. Their religious education is my business up to a point, after that it’s for them to decide. That’s all you can do. Putting your foot down may guarantee attendance but it won’t make her want to be part of it and that’s the point of it all.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 05/02/2018 10:22

14 seems to be the age of religious decisions. So many of my friends joined or left religions at that age. Respect her choice.

Iwillstartagainonmonday · 05/02/2018 10:22

Yes sorry but YWBU to force her to go. Faith is very important to my parents and us children were made to go every Sunday, to both services for most of our childhood and teenage years.

I haven't set foot in a church in years.

aabidah86 · 05/02/2018 10:26

I stopped going to church at a similar age, my mum would take us from an early age and she is very religious but my dad never came and doesn't follow any organised religion. My issue was always "how come we have to go but dad doesn't?" In the end I found church boring and would just go through the motions every week. I know it hurt my mum that we both (me and bro) stopped going, but we only went because she made us. Ironically, as adults, when we visit home we always go to church with mum.

shockthemonkey · 05/02/2018 10:26

Spot-on post from Tringley at 01:54 am

I had the same with both my parents, and never quite made it up with my father before he died.

Getting there slowly with my mum, who was always more of a listener.

OP, please just leave your daughter be!

Lizzie48 · 05/02/2018 10:35

@MadeleineMaxwell Thank you, that's very interesting. I'm very surprised at the comparison between France and Turkey, France being militantly secular and Turkey being Muslim. Because I'd be very surprised if these Turkish scientists didn't identify as Muslims.

HandbagKrabby · 05/02/2018 10:38

Last time I was in a church the priest was saying babies being born with aids in Africa was evidence of original sin of their mothers. Yeah, nothing to do with the church and their views on contraception is it? There is no reasoning with people who peddle this shite and I’d be very glad if a child of mine saw it as the bollocks it is. I’d be disappointed if anyone went along with it tbh and it has me questioning their morals and values if they think it’s an acceptable viewpoint.

I’m very interested in the idea that ops dh gets to go to heaven even though he doesn’t believe because he’s a ‘moral’ person. Surely this negates the need for anyone to be spending time in church believing as if they are a good person they’ll be going to heaven anyway?

Lizzie48 · 05/02/2018 10:45

@HandbagKrabby I absolutely agree that that's shite, it makes me so angry when I think about the role the Catholic Church has played in the spread of AIDS in Africa. Women are not allowed to refuse sex to their husbands in a lot of case, and how the hell are they expected to protect themselves and their unborn children if their cheating husbands refuse to wear a condom??

It's not at all correct Christian teaching anyway, Jesus encouraged the little children to come to him.

Trinity66 · 05/02/2018 10:46

Religion shouldn't be forced on people, it should be her choice

MadeleineMaxwell · 05/02/2018 10:46

@Lizzie48 Turkey is technically secular too, but culturally Muslim. And that's a good point, too, isn't it? Separating out culture from actual genuine belief is difficult.

I think there's a massive difference between a scientist saying there's a possibility that there's a god of some sort, since 0.001% is a possibility (and you'll even find Dawkins admitting this IIRC), and a scientist avidly professing adherence to [whichever specific religion]. I also think there's a huge difference between scientific disciplines. 'Scientists' aren't a homogeneous group, same as Muslims, or Christians, or Buddhists aren't.

So when someone says 'some scientists believe in god', I think it's important to know which scientists and to what degree. Vague spirituality, or being in awe of the universe to a level that sounds a lot like spirituality, is not the same as belief in Yahweh.

HectorlovesKiki · 05/02/2018 10:51

YABU. Respect your daughter's wishes, she is 14 years old, not 4.

TieGrr · 05/02/2018 10:54

There was a period of about two years when I was a teenager where I had stopped believing but still had to go to mass every week. It was horrible. Teenagers take things so seriously anyway but that feeling of having to do something and take part in something I fundamentally didn't agree with used to hang over me every weekend.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 05/02/2018 10:54

OP, what will you do if she just point blank refuses? It’s not like you can pick her up and drag her to church.

I think you are running the risk of creating a lifetime of resentment - and just for the sake of keeping up appearances.