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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
blueremembered · 05/02/2018 09:44

Why on earth are you going to speak to the vicar? It has absolutely nothing to do with him.

It is to do with your DD growing up and making decisions for herself. Leave her to it. Why does she have to go to church to be illy accepted by you?

You may deny that but that's exactly the impression you have given me on this thread.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kungfupannda · 05/02/2018 09:46

She's old enough to make her own mind up. You don't get to choose whether or not she believes in God - but you do get to choose whether or not you damage her relationship with you by trying to force her into something that she has, quite legitimately, decided is not for her. Do you honestly want her to sit next to you in church, either pretending to believe so you stop nagging her, or openly seething with resentment at being there?

I was sent to Sunday school and to a very religious junior school, and my mum made me go to church most Sundays. We didn't get to the stage where it damaged our relationship because she died before I was a teenager, but we did have a lot of rows about it because I just didn't want to go. I remember crying in the car on the way there. I would imagine it would have led to a big stand-off in time.

Let her make her own decision and stop harassing her about it. She believes or she doesn't. Her dad doesn't go to church, so it's not as though there's no precedent for it within the family.

LaurieMarlow · 05/02/2018 09:47

In the meantime, it is only 2hrs per month sacrifice for me, her mother who sacrifices many, many more hours for her wants and needs every month.

Oh FGS, why are you making this all about you?

From a faith POV, its absolutely meaningless that she parks her bum on a seat for an hour for your sake. Either she wants to go on her own volition or its a pointless, painful exercise.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 09:49

If you weren't so arrogant as to presume that I have failed to express myself, rather than that you have failed to question your initial reading, I would have explained it. As it is, CBA.

How convenient.

BartholinsSister · 05/02/2018 09:49

I think He weeps over some of the things that are done in His name
It must be awful for him being so unable to do anything about it.

kath6144 · 05/02/2018 09:50

I fully expect her to reject the church and going to it as soon as she can(18) but I also believe that she will return much later in life

Chillie - please explain why you will make her go until she is 18, why can she not decide for herself earlier than then? Will you also decide her post-GCSE route for her, force her to do certain A levels, a given degree course?

As for your assertion that she will definitely return, she might, but the chances are she wont. We went back when kids were little, but had no belief as such ourselves and gave up as soon as they did.

I feel the need to force young adults to church and to accept certain beliefs is so sad.

A friend of ours is church going, deeply religious, fair enough, each to own. But it seems that she (and others) at her CoE church are totally against sex before marriage. So much so that one of the young people is getting married, straight from uni, neither of them has a job, money or secure housing, but it seems that they are marrying so they can live together.

When I questioned the wisdom this, I was told in no uncertain terms that sex before marriage was a sin. I hope the marriage lasts, but being able to live together without upsetting parents seems the wrong reason to embark on marriage, and so young.

NoqontroI · 05/02/2018 09:52

The vicar is always talking about how it's so important that we keep our young people coming to church, and how sad it is that teenagers are losing their faith. They're all going to think I've failed.

That's so messed up. Surely what's important is what your dd wants, not what the vicar wants. Why do you even care? It's her life. Go to church if you want but why would you drag other reluctant people in to that. Confused

Lizzie48 · 05/02/2018 09:52

I've reported this thread too. I've been a lurker on it, didn't comment on it as I didn't want to end up with endless updates on a thread that I'm already getting really irritated with.

@ShatnersWig is right to point out that Methodists don't have vicars, they have Ministers.

But FWIW, OP, don't make your DD go to church. My DSis and her DH went through this. Her DSS stopped going to church at 14, though that coincided with them moving to a different church, and he started going to their previous church on his own occasionally, after a while.

We're already starting to go through this with DD1 at 8, because our 18 year old au pair doesn't always go. We can't leave her behind, though, as it wouldn't be right to use her for childcare, when she wants some time for herself. But our DD loves her Sunday School class, so it's nothing to do with losing her faith as such.

The youth leader in your church sounds well out of order, actually, I'm not surprised your DD is objecting. And why should it bother you what other people think?

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 09:54

blueremembered I asked that question three pages back. Because if the OP goes to speak to the vicar, that would be a waste of time. It would mean she is going off to the Anglican church where she and her daughter don't attend. Methodists have ministers, which the OP should know full well if she's been going there over 14 years.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nextDayDelivery · 05/02/2018 09:55

"It must be awful for him being so unable to do anything about it."

An actual LOL although religiousers do have a little get out clause about being tempted by the devil and free will although an omnipotent god would get the devil to fuck away off

Besides which, he's hardly set a good example with all the killing and raping now, has he?

BartholinsSister · 05/02/2018 09:55

Perhaps her Methodist Church has a vicar. You can't prove it doesn't.

NoqontroI · 05/02/2018 09:56

I think He weeps over some of the things that are done in His name

Really? Confused surely he could do something about that then, rather than just weeping about it Hmm

Itscurtainsforyou · 05/02/2018 09:57

So you're going to talk to the vicar about ways to convince her to keep going to church? Instead of listening to and respecting her views?

I think you're going to do more damage that way I'm afraid OP.

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 09:58

Batholins Of course I can! The Methodist church do not, as an organisation, have vicars. They never have. They have always been ministers or preachers. Trust me, my family are Methodists and I myself am Baptist.

nextDayDelivery · 05/02/2018 09:58

@Lizzie48

Out of interest, why did you report it?

Religion being above question is the greatest trick the church pulled. Being allowed to question this nonsense is the reason for its decline.

Original poster
jessicabenomi · 05/02/2018 09:59

Seriously?

To those wondering about the minister/vicar mix up, I was raised C of E and the words have stuck!

OP posts:
NoqontroI · 05/02/2018 10:00

Religion being above question is the greatest trick the church pulled. Being allowed to question this nonsense is the reason for its decline.

Yep. This.

battenbergbutterfly · 05/02/2018 10:00

Totally unreasonable to force her to go. I say this as someone forced to go every Sunday and I hated every minute.

DogsDoodahs · 05/02/2018 10:01

Oh lol at him weeping over things done in his name 😂

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 · 05/02/2018 10:02

I told my mum that I didn't want to go to church anymore at 13

She thought i just couldn't be bothered

I walked two mile to the priests house to talk to him about it

He was lovely and when my mum came to pick me up she accepted that i just didn't believe

So in reply just to the OP i think you should let her decide

GaraMedouar · 05/02/2018 10:02

YABU - totally. Don’t force her to go.

BartholinsSister · 05/02/2018 10:04

Shat
That doesn't prove that her Methodist Church hasn't decided to do things differently.

NotSoSprightly · 05/02/2018 10:06

Why do you think she would regret not going later in life?

I don't know of anyone who regrets not going to church or regrets not being religious if they have chosen not to be.

YABU to make her go, and to ask the vicar what he thinks she should do. She is in charge of whether or not she believes or goes.

I find it a little... creepy that the two of you would essentially be coercing her to go, and that you're more concerned about what the church would think of her not going than how your daughter feels.

Your belief is no one else's but yours.