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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 08:53

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corythatwas · 05/02/2018 08:54

Shatners has a good point. I totally managed to miss last night that this was supposedly a Methodist church.

Before we start worrying about the proof of God, perhaps as a warming-up exercise we should start by proving the presence of vicars in the Methodist denomination. And then maybe wonder a little about the motives of a new poster whose only point seems to be to demonstrate religious intolerance and stupidity.

CurbsideProphet · 05/02/2018 08:54

It's a shame that the OP is more concerned with what the vicar will think than allowing her 14 year old to have her own opinions and beliefs.

I was christened and went to catholic primary and secondary schools. I have never believed in god. That's my opinion. Luckily we live in a country where we can have our own opinions and beliefs.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 08:55

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jellybeanteaparty · 05/02/2018 08:59

Would she like to try a different flavour of church perhaps? That would encourage independence and making her own mind up about things.

UnimaginativeUsername · 05/02/2018 09:00

As the OP is a first time poster who seems, despite having gone to a Methodist church for well over 14 years, doesn't know that they don't have vicars in Methodist churches but uses that term more than once, something isn't ringing true.

Being an atheist (from a family who wielded Catholicism as a weapon)I didn’t actually know this. I’ve never given much thought to what other Christian denominations call their priests.

Even taking the OP at face value, I don’t understand why anyone wants to turn the thread into a debate about the existence of god or the evils of religion or whatever. It’s not really relevant to the question of whether a parent should accept that a young person should be able to make their own choices or try to force them to be how they want them to be.

noeffingidea · 05/02/2018 09:00

thetemptationofchocolate the OP's daughter stated that she doesn't believe in God. Why is that seemingly so difficult to accept? Especially when this isn't the first time she has tried to stop going. That indicates it isn't down to any soecific incident.
Just because a person is brought up by a religious parent(s), taken to church every Sunday, made to read the bible, being confirmed, etc etc, doesn't mean they're going to believe in God. It's quite possible she has never believed. I was brought up in the above enviroment and it never meant a single thing to me. I said the prayers and sang the hymns and they were just words, they had no meaning to me.

ReanimatedSGB · 05/02/2018 09:00

FFS leave your kid alone! She has every right to reject the superstitious rubbish you seem so determined to bore her with.
All religion is bullshit, invented primarily as a means of social control in the first place.
Maybe your smart DD will help you grow out of it, too.

morningconstitutional2017 · 05/02/2018 09:01

If you force her she'll resent it and may drift further away from you - at 14 she's old enough to make her own mind up about this and it's a fact of life that she will eventually become independent and may choose another path.

That doesn't necessarily mean that she's going to go to the other extreme - but she might do so out of sheer rebellion if you force the issue. I'd stand back a bit. She may well decide to come back into the church of her own accord later, or she may not, which doesn't meant that she's a bad person as long as her heart is in the right place - which is what really matters.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 09:01

Why would she like to try 'a different flavour of church' if she doesn't believe in god?

computationalAspects · 05/02/2018 09:01

"Would she like to try a different flavour of church perhaps? "

Flying Spaghetti Monster?

HoppingPavlova · 05/02/2018 09:02

No way I would make her go from what you say. She will just become resentful and detach even further from it.

I have one that refuses but I make them. They just don’t want to get up early - teen and early morning does not match. They don’t want to wake up, don’t want to get out of a warm bed, don’t want to get out of pj’s, don’t want to pack their bag etc. Every. Single. Week. Once we get there however they are fine, love meeting their friends their and whe asked if happy I MADE them go say they are. They then talk enthusiastically about something that will be going on there the following week and how they can’t wait. So a different situation to yours and I don’t feel guilty for making mine go Smile.

kath6144 · 05/02/2018 09:04

gabsdot I have a 14 year old and I would no more let him decide to leave the church as I would let him decide to leave school at his age

But school/education is compulsory until 18, church definitely is not.

And when he leaves home and rarely returns because of the forceful indoctrination on offer at home, you’ll know why.

^This, totally.

Lets hope your religion will help you when you wonder why your adult DS never visits, never comes for Christmas (as per the pp whose DC have never spent Christmas at their religious grandparents house).

Is that what you really want Gab, and the Op? You are so, so deluded.

As the parent of a 20yo at uni and an almost 18yo, I can only say that they change so much as older teens and trying to impose any views on them is totally counter-productive. DS is close to us still, we see a lot of him BUT I have seen enough of a change in him since he went to uni, that I know If we tried to force him to do anything, or have our views, we would almost certainly see less of him.

DH and I were both brought up in religious families, but the difference is we weren't forced to do anything we didn't want. I had an Irish Catholic dad, and went to catholic primary and secondary schools. DB stopped attending church at about 12, I carried on sporadically until after uni, then gave up. Got married in Church but a completely different denomination .

DH was brought up by staunch methodists, his DGD a minister and his parents lifelong teetotal and against gambling etc. Obviously their views had an impact on his up bringing, but were never forced on him. We both drink, though not much, as do our older teens.

We brought ours up as Methodists, attended church till they were about 10-12 and then stopped when they stopped, neither DH nor I have strong beliefs, despite our upbringing!

Op, you are being vvu not listening to your DD, and as for considering discussing this with the vicar. I think that is abusive too. Let her make her own choices, without you or the vicar forcing anything on her.

Lunde · 05/02/2018 09:04

Vicar - in a Methodist church?

Idontdowindows · 05/02/2018 09:05

And funnily enough, I never said you did.

Except for the bit that you said where those who state this god does not exist sound stupid. And I'm an equal opportunities "stating your god doesn't exist" person. No gods exist.

Jux · 05/02/2018 09:05

I was brought up Catholic, went to a girls' Catholic school, was surrounded by Catholics (except my dad!), all my relatives are Catholics. I stopped going to church at about age 14, but went back at 17 - mainly for the choir, but it had me in church every Sunday singing away so the influence continued despite by lack of faith.

No one at home pressured me, except that if we stayed with a particular uncle and aunt, my mum would beg me to go to church with them, which I did.

Sunday school sounds awful. Let her be a grown up in that, at least.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 09:06

Happy to hear substantive arguments to the contrary, but not "But you can't prove a negative" - I know that.

So you know you can't prove a negative but you'd like to hear substantive arguments that prove a negative. I don't think you know what you're talking about.

DullAndOld · 05/02/2018 09:06

there is no such thing as a Christian child, just a child of Christian parents.
I would give her a copy of 'the God delusion' (Dawkins) to read.
And no, don't force her to go to church, it is your religion, not hers.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 09:08

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ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 09:09

Lunde I said that two pages ago. Which is why I and others have reported it.

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 09:09

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AgathaF · 05/02/2018 09:09

Does her father get any say in this discussion? What is his view of his daughter's wish to not go any more? (I really hope he is supporting her against her overbearing mother).

Assuming that this thread is real, of course.

EastMidsMummy · 05/02/2018 09:10

I've read it several times. You contradict yourself.

Idontdowindows · 05/02/2018 09:11

Now (in my opinion) you sound stupid.

Like I said, I'd rather sound stupid....

longta · 05/02/2018 09:13

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