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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD doesn't want to go to church any more

603 replies

jessicabenomi · 04/02/2018 23:18

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

OP posts:

noeffingidea · 05/02/2018 07:40

AnotherDunroamin the daughter has said she doesn't believe in God. It says so, right there in the OP.
That is the underlying reason why she doesn't want to go to church. There is no point in 'encouraging' her to find her own church if she doesn't believe in God.

Ragwort · 05/02/2018 07:40

I know it's tough (and I am a Methodist too) but just let your DD decide, my DS came to Church with me until he was about 8 - then he preferred to go to rugby - now as a teenager he goes to a different Church to the one I go to, he loves it, they have a great youth programme and I think he enjoys being 'his own person' away from me.

I wasn't bought up in a Church going family, I discovered my faith for myself and your DD is just getting to the age when she will want to explore all aspects of growing up.

The Church is well used to teenagers (and older people) not attending 'every week' - all Ministers will understand.

Herewegoagainagain · 05/02/2018 07:41

I'm 36 and my (Catholic) mother still harangues me for my non-attendance at mass. I had to go every Sunday while I lived at home - until I was 18 - and she actually offered me money to go after that I'd be a 'good example' to my younger brother I declined!

I came home about once a month in my twenties and she would burst into my room and encourage, complain and then shout at me until I agreed to go to mass! You guessed it....no faith here now.

Like the OP, she wanted to be seen in church with her children so everyone could see what a 'good' Catholic she was! That's a very inspiring demonstration of religion and faith. She had a much tougher time with my brother

SoupDragon · 05/02/2018 07:42

I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do.

Or, you could try talking to your DD.

BashStreetKid · 05/02/2018 07:43

Except the only aggression on this thread has come from non-believers who have used it as an excuse to bash people with faith, and religion as a whole, and seem to be blaming the OP for the crimes of organised religion

MadMags, that's really quite rich coming from someone who has accused other posters of sounding weird, nutty and crazy.

Personwithhorse · 05/02/2018 07:45

No point in forcing her - it is terribly boring and pointless, some of the people are not very nice either in my experience. I stopped when I was that age and never went back. I am sure she has better things to do with her weekend.

Tumbleweed101 · 05/02/2018 07:46

You need to go lightly with teens anyway as they are all at a stage where they are trying to be more independent.

With religion and belief all you can do is raise children with the values you hold. You can’t make anyone believe, only give them what they need to find their own beliefs and values.

LoniceraJaponica · 05/02/2018 07:46

"I'm just worried about what everyone will think when I suddenly turn up with just 2 kids."

Why?

This isn't about you. It is about your daughter. DD stopped coming to church with me when she was about 12. I respected her decision. She is doing A levels now and IMO, catching up with sleep and A level homework/revision on a Sunday morning is far, far more important to her spiritual and physical well being than worshipping a god she doesn't believe in.

GoldenWondering · 05/02/2018 07:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RottenTomatoes959 · 05/02/2018 07:51

This thread makes me quite sad. You are showing your daughter that you believe her feelings are invalid while your husband, a man, has the right to believe whatever he wants.
You are on a slippery slope with this one OP. My heart goes out to your daughter.

YouTheCat · 05/02/2018 07:52

Pengwynn, my point is the by sticking 'Christian' in front of it doesn't make them any more worthy. And anyone who believes that it does needs to have a good think. What about 'Muslim moral values' or 'Jewish moral values'? Does sticking a religious name in front give them any more credence?

Gruach · 05/02/2018 07:53

I'm curious OP about how you might proceed if your vicar says you must continue to take her. Or that she isn't entitled to choose for herself. Or that they will 'talk' to her ...

BashStreetKid · 05/02/2018 07:54

I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do

Why don't you speak to her father? You know, the man who loves her and has her best interests at heart rather than what people will think?

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrigitsBigKnickers · 05/02/2018 07:56

I was brought up a catholic- had no choice in the matter- went to a catholic primary school where we seemed to have a prayer for everything. I followed it blindly and unquestioningly until at the age of 15 I actually started listening to what the priest was saying and started to question what he was saying.

I spoke at length to the priest and my family (although not my DF as, like the op's DH, he never went to church) and none of them seemed to be able to answer my questions- it seemed to me they were just a bunch of sheep who were just told to believe and so they did.

I stopped going to church with much protestations from my mum (she thought it was because I wanted a lie in or to watch TV- just didn't get that it wasn't laziness but that I had a genuine opinion and a salient argument about why I no longer wanted to go). I went back a few times but then stopped and never went back.

She came to accept my decision and it never came between us after the initial disappointment.

You have to let your DD find her own way, and if that is different from yours, then so be it.

GoldenWondering · 05/02/2018 07:56

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Spartaca · 05/02/2018 07:58

Well, you need to ask yourself what you want to achieve. What will be gained by her going under duress, when she either doesn't want to go or doesn't believe? Besides, church going is only one way to demonstrate faith. Treating her with grace and tolerance is another surely?

Let her know that the church and faith is there when she wants it, and then let her find her own path.

BashStreetKid · 05/02/2018 07:58

You can't prove the non-existence of God.

You can't prove the non-existence of anything, Pengggwyn, including Santa. The fact that every parent in the world tells you that they produce the presents, not Santa, still isn't proof. You can't prove the non-existence of purple sky monsters, either - the fact that no-one has seen one doesn't mean they don't exist. That's the nature of non-existence: you cannot prove a negative.

But we can, of course, say that if there is literally no credible evidence that something or someone exists, the overwhelming probability is that they don't. There comes a point when it really is for those asserting that these things do exist to produce that evidence.

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2018 07:59

For someone who has been going to the Methodist church for over 14 years I am surprised jessica isn't aware that there are no vicars (a term she uses at least twice). Methodists, like Baptists, have ministers. C of E has vicars.

So the OP is most definitely unreasonable among other things.

Believeitornot · 05/02/2018 08:01

The PP does not have to send a child to school. They could home educate

I said education, not school @Pengggwn

Plus the DH doesn’t go which IMO makes a massive differences. He is as much of an example for the DD to follow than the OP.

pigeondujour · 05/02/2018 08:01

Nice

LizardMonitor · 05/02/2018 08:02

Sorry, I missed the post about you being Methodist.

I was brought up in a Methodist family.

Vicar?? The term isn’t used in the Methodist Church, is it?

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 05/02/2018 08:03

Golden, if you don't mind me asking, why do you go to church?

Mightybanhammer · 05/02/2018 08:03

There are no vicars in Methodism. They have Ministers.

I am with OPs daughter all the way.

I was forced to go to Methodist Sunday school as a child and I cringe when I remember it.

As a bright child I found the content of the sermons laughably uninspiring. And the Sunday school bizarre. I am a staunch atheist.

Having said all,that the church community are helping out hugely with my aged mother. The community aspect is the only worthwhile part of it all in my view. For the rest of the sky fairy nonsense, just no. .

Pengggwn · 05/02/2018 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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