DD doesn't want to go to church any more

[jessicabenomi]

First-time poster here...

My three dd's have been coming to church with me every Sunday their entire lives (dh doesn't come).

It's increasingly being a struggle to get my eldest dd (aged 14) to come. She always says she has too much homework or she wants to meet her friends. Today after we got back she said that the youth Sunday school was so awful that she never wants to go again and she doesn't believe in God.

She's had one of these anti-church "episodes" (I know that's the wrong word I just can't think of another) every few years, but has always calmed down and come back to church before.

Am I being unreasonable to make her come with me? I don't want to force her if she truly doesn't believe, but my faith is so important to me and my church family have been so supportive at difficult times of my life. I just want her to have that support too.

My husband isn't religious but I don't believe he'll go to hell because he is a good person and lives his life according to Christian moral values, even if he doesn't believe they come from the same source as me.

Oh right so those of us that don't share 'Christian moral values' will go to hell? You're bang out of order. And you're teaching your daughters absolutely terrible messages about men and women - their dad's non-faith deserves respect, the male group leader gets to pressure her in front of people about her feelings and beliefs, and when she says she doesn't want to go you go to ask a non-related man for his advice rather than listening to her. You'll reap what you sow with all three of them. Poor girls.

I've only read the OP's posts after the first page. I'm guessing someone else already made this suggestion, but I'd say at the absolute least do not make your DD go to youth group. I shuddered at the bit about her not trying hard enough. Way to make someone feel accepted, there.

jessica, can you discuss with her about attending just the service with you for a few weeks? It sounds like she's open to faith, but not gelling well with the youth community at your church - in fact, it sounds like they're well on the way to fully alienating her and turning her off religion entirely.

Or discuss with her what she may want to do about exploring her faith on her own? If you're Methodist, my understand of Wesley's teachings is that there was a lot of about finding your own faith and understanding things for yourself. Maybe if she uses the time that she would be at church to do a tiny bit of self-reflection - reading about religions, etc. You could buy her some books (although make sure they're interesting!). And then the rest of the time to do her homework.

I worry about your concern about how you'd look - this isn't about how you look, but about your daughter's journey. If she needs to step away from organised groups at this moment, she should be able to. Forcing her to go, especially to that youth group, may make you look okay but will probably result in her rejecting Christianity entirely as soon as she is on her own.

The OP's latter posts are quite revealing. Her main concern seems to be what people will think, rather than care for her daughter. How Christian...

Clearly the vast majority of people think I'm being unreasonable, but I just think she'll regret it later in life if she stops going now.

She really won't, OP. I had to go to church every Sunday as a child. By the time I was 14 I really resented it: I still believed, but I really couldn't see why that had to be manifested by turning up in a cold building every weekend going through the same ritual and singing dirges. All the stuff about constantly telling God how wonderful he is increasingly stuck in my throat - would you respect a person who needed all that sucking up? I felt that if God was a sensible and beneficent God, he probably would prefer that we show our Christianity through the way we lived our lives rather than by turning up at 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning and going through a form of words.

So, of course, as soon as I could stop going I did, and decades later I still don't regret it one iota.

I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do. I'm sure he has lots of experience of teens losing their faith and then coming back later.

I bet he has even more experience in teens losing their face an not ever coming back.
I never got back (catholic background) and there is absolutely nothing my parents could have done to change that and the pressure put upon me about my lack of belief in my teens is the one thing that I, even at the age of almost 52, still resent my parents for.

Sort of like making you spend your Sundays be badgered about it by a youth group leader?

“but I just think she'll regret it later in life if she stops going now.”

If she ‘regrets’ it later in life she can resume attendance, surely? Going to church isn’t like National Insurance contributions! And I am assuming you do not belong to some sort of church that would shun her or excommunicate her for life.

I was forced to go to church against my will until the age of 16. I’d stopped believing in anything at the age of 10 but kept being told it was a phase and I’d grow out of it. At 16 I refused to go any more and told my parents that if they physically forced me to go I would make a huge scene at church. For them ‘what everyone at church thought ‘ was more important than anything so they had to concede defeat.

It is only in my 40s that I’ve wanted to come back to church, and I’m still very wary. I definitely have some faith again but there’s lots about the instution of the church itself that doesn’t sit comfortably with me. I’ve never been able to forgive my parents for their attitude to my beliefs and for putting ‘what other people think’ above what I thought and felt.

Despite the aggressive athiests, you have had good advice on this thread OP.

Perhaps AIBU wasn't the best forum if you wanted a discussion with people of faith about how they approached it if their teens declared they didn't want to go to church.
I know families who approached church attendance like school attendance but their faith was embedded in their lives. It definitely wasn't just an hour on a Sunday. It was how they prayed, interacted with everyone, helped refugees, visited the elderly, etc.

You seem to be struggling to find your family's path through this eg no baptism; no prayers; but enforced church attendance. I'm assuming that's the discussion you will have with your vicar -about how you live your faith.

You don't get to say there is no GOD my dear. You just don't. It's incredibly arrogant to say that when so many believe.

You don't get to tell people what they can say, petbear, particularly with that passive aggressive "my dear". Thousands of children believe in Santa, is it "incredibly arrogant" to say there isn't one? Why not produce some evidence that there is one rather than trying to order people around?

I think I'll try to speak to the vicar this week about what he thinks I should do.

hmm, wonder what he'll say. You know, basically being a salesman and all. let her stop going. She WILL resent you and this vicar if you coerce her into going. Whether it's the yoof club or the adult service, she doesn't believe

I'm just worried about what everyone will think when I suddenly turn up with just 2 kids.

Tell them that the idiot who runs the youth group has seriously put off your oldest and suggest to the vicar that he has a serious word with him.

Gabsdot: what would you actually do to make your 14 yo go if he refused? Punish him? Ban him from other family days out? Ground him? How does that help with the peace and joy?

Even if she isn't wanting to go just because of laziness forcing her to go will make it such a negative thing that you will push her away from the church and possibly from you. She's more likely to come back to the church long term if you let her choose.

She's 14yo, not 7yo. She's old enough to decide. You shouldn't make her anymore than you would make your dh.

Have only skimmed TFT but I was "strongly encouraged" to go to church with my parents until I left home to go to uni. I hated it, but mostly because the youth groups were abysmal and the handful of other girls my age were very cliquey. It felt like an exercise in social humiliation. At uni I didn't go at all due to hating it so much previously, but these days I go to one that fits my social demographic better and feels more welcoming to me. Have you talked to your DD about underlying reasons she might not want to go? It might be worth encouraging her to find her own church where she enjoys the youth service / finds the adult service more accessible / already has a couple of friends etc.
I wouldn't despair too much about her faith; many young people have a period of doubt or disinterest and return to the church later.

And the only person sounding arrogant here is @petbear. Telling people what they can and can't say.

I don't believe in 'Christian moral values'. I believe in 'moral values'.

At 8 I decided I wanted to be religious and go to Sunday school. None of my family went, so I tagged along with a friend for 6 months. After that time I got really bored with the whole Sunday school thing and decided to stop. I can't imagine going to Sunday school at 14 is much fun at all. She'll be one of the oldest. She's heard all the stories many times before. She's done the endless Easter activities.

Ask her if she'd like to come to the adult service by all means, but you have to respect her decision on this.

My parents, despite being non-religious themselves, sent me and my siblings every Sunday - finally when I was about 14 I stopped going (and, as is so often the way, my siblings were similarly let off).

I'm still not religious, but I've taken my children to the village church for appropriate festivals - harvest, mothers day, Christmas services etc. because whilst I don't believe, I don't bear any ill will either, and think that it's good for a community to centre around something, and in mine, it's the church. Consider letting go gracefully, it will work out better in the end.

Congratulations to your DD for applying independent and critical thinking. This is a compliment to you OP. And yes you'd be extremely unreasonable to make her go. Extremely.

I’d say you’re 100% out of order for expecting her to attend.

She is obviously reaching the age at which she is able to see the irrationality of the world around her. Encourage her to make her own decisions and respect that.

Remember; it’s our job to teach children how to think not what to think.