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AIBU?

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Original poster

To resent the new girlfriend living with DS

107 replies

Icklepickle101 · 04/02/2018 12:46

I split up with my ex in August after I found out he had been seeing someone else for the last 8 months of our 4 year relationship. He very quickly made their relationship official which was fine. I repeatedly stated I did not want DS (1.5) to meet her yet as he was so little he wouldn’t understand but this was ignored and they met 2 weeks later.

Ex and new woman have now got a house (4 months after me and him splitting up) so DS now spends 3 nights a week living with the new girlfriend. He’s been banished to his own room and banned from cuddles in his dads bed. I can’t help but feel sad that this woman is forcing these rules upon my little boy who’s whole life has been torn apart and probably just wants a bit of comfort.

AIBU to hate her for firstly splitting his family up and now playing the evil stepmother? Seeing photos of the three of them together breaks my heart Sad

OP posts:
Bazzle · 04/02/2018 12:49

God that must be tough I know but how do you know these things? Surely he's too young to tell you? I doubt at such a young age he will be that affected by it tbh so try not to worry about his world being ripped apart x

Huntinginthedark · 04/02/2018 12:53

I’m not sure there is anything you can do about it though other than make sure he feels secure with you, which I am sure you do.
Is he actually banished? That’s quite an emotive term. He’s only 1.5 so how do you know about the banishing

Do you really want him cuddling up in bed with the new Gf?

sixteenapples · 04/02/2018 12:53

YANBU to hate her but YABU not to understand that your ex is his dad and will parent how he sees fit. Plenty of parents do not do co-sleeping so to use a word like "banished" is unreasonable. I hope that he grows up loving his dad and his girlfriend and has a happy family life with BOTH his parents. The children that do that usually end up happier.

I would also feel very angry in that situation however - but this is about your son not you.

CherryBlossomPink · 04/02/2018 12:53

Sorry, but she didn’t split your family up, your ex did that -he was the one who made a commitment to you not her.
You are directing your anger at the wrong person - I’m sure she doesn’t have your ex chained up in a basement - he should be making his own decisions when it comes to his children.
I left my husband due to him seeing another woman, but I don’t blame her at all, the blame lies totally with my weak, cheating ex.

Fattymcfaterson · 04/02/2018 12:53

She didn't split your family up. Your DP did that. Don't put all your blame and anger in the wrong place

VladmirsPoutine · 04/02/2018 12:54

I can understand your heart break. But with the most respect in the world I think you are projecting just a little too much. Your ex broke up the family. Unless you are going to say further this woman doesn't sound evil but most certainly her moral compass is broken.

Stay strong and being there for your boy. If all you want is a rant then I'm here to listen. But now you need to adjust. Think of practicalities. It's ok to be angry, shout, cry and be sad. But don't project this on the little one - they are more resilient than we often give them credit for.

NailsNeedDoing · 04/02/2018 12:55

That's such a horrible position for you to be in. Yanbu, of course it's going to hurt, for you, and for the changes your son is having to deal with. But it's going to feel shit whatever this woman does, you'd understandably feel sad and worry about your sons feelings if he was regularly having cuddles in bed with someone who wasn't his parent.

It won't do you or your son any good for you to hold on to feelings of hate for this woman, it sounds like she's going to be around for at least the foreseeable future. Lots of one and a half year olds are in their own rooms to sleep, and he will be fine with it. Better for him to go through this now than when he's older if it had to happen at some point anyway.

KarmaStar · 04/02/2018 12:58

No you are not bu,of course it hurts and leaves you feeling angry,left out and worried for your dc ,that's absolutely understandable.
If your dc returns home and appears well cared for and happy that is a good thing isn't it?
Use the time he is with his dd to focus on you,you've been treated badly and need time to heal and rebuild your life.
Knowing your little dc is fine,go out and do things you enjoy,maybe take a hobby,go to a spa/nail bar/hairdressers ,depending on your budget ,and be nice to yourself.
Focus on what's ahead in your life,it can be scary but it can be liberating.
If you can keep your contact with the gf cordial that will repay itself in the future.
Wishing you all the bestFlowers

category12 · 04/02/2018 13:01

You know far too much about their lives for your own good. (Social media? Stop looking.)

Also stop depicting her as evil stepmum, it'll poison your ds' mind and experience. It will do him a disservice. Your ex (and her) will parent him differently, unless they're a risk to him, you need to accept it.

3 days a week seems a lot for them to have him? How was that agreed?

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 04/02/2018 13:01

I found out about it as my ex text me to say he wouldn’t be allowed in their new bedroom at all and it was best to enforce the rules here too. Last night DS woke up in the night crying from a nightmare and I asked if he wanted to come for a cuddle in my bed and he said daddy said he wasn’t allowed. It broke my heart that he was sat there crying that he wanted a cuddle from me but thought I’d say no

And I know in my rational head it was DP that did this and both their morals are wrong and to start with I wasn’t angry at all, just the way she is trying to be his second mum so quickly is hurting

OP posts:
category12 · 04/02/2018 13:04

Awww. Well he's no right to tell you what rules to enforce in your home, so he's a twat there too.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/02/2018 13:07

Ok, no court order?

Stop overnights. Tell your ex that unless he can respond to your DS's needs, he can see him in the daytimes. If he doesn't like it, he can take it to court.

In the meantime see a solicitor and get a residence order that he lives with you.

You don't have to put up with your child being treated badly. Strike now while all these changes are current - don't let this become the norm, act now and refuse to let him go there overnight.

PenguinsandPandas · 04/02/2018 13:07

I think its perfectly normal to dislike someone who your DP was seeing behind your back.

Re the cuddles in bed I do that but lots of people don't and I don't think either of you should be able to tell the other what you should do. I do think they should be comforting him if he's distressed and if they are not I would be concerned about that but it doesn't have to be in their room. I would imagine your DS is distressed by this and I do things like you do but she probably knows what your exs priority is.

QueenArseClangers · 04/02/2018 13:08

Does DS have to stay 3 nights a week at his dad’s?

QueenArseClangers · 04/02/2018 13:09

What Fizzy says x 10000

newyearsameme80 · 04/02/2018 13:10

Your house your rules - never more so than in this scrnario!

BlueLightPanda · 04/02/2018 13:11

Op is your DS 1.5 now?

lilly0 · 04/02/2018 13:11

You are hurting right now she will never be DS's second mum she's his dad's girlfriend .
YANBU to hate them both, he was cheating and left you for the OW and moved in with her. The best revenge is moving on with your life pretend you don't care even if it hurts they will both be paranoid that the other will cheat and eventually he will cheat on her with some new bit on the side while you are getting on with your life, hopefully with a new lovely loyal DP.

Oddish · 04/02/2018 13:12

Your 1.5 year old said that?

Huntinginthedark · 04/02/2018 13:14

Did he say to you that you needed to informed his new rules?
If so tell him to go fuck himself. Or more politely send him an email saying that mixed messages are making your dc feel anxious.
What a twat

Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 04/02/2018 13:15

He’s 2 now, was 1.5 back when I found out about the cheating

OP posts:
Original poster
Icklepickle101 · 04/02/2018 13:16

I agreed to 50/50 custody because I wanted DS to see his dad as much as he wanted because although his dad was an arse to me he’d been a good dad to DS and I didn’t want my feelings to impact his relationship with his dad

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 04/02/2018 13:16

They are both his parents. She has no right to stop the child seeing his dad because they don’t agree on a parenting issue.

From one point of view he is simply asking they both have similar rules, which in general is a good idea no?

He is not abusing or mistreating his child. I know several women with young daughters the same age who stopped their dd’s getting into bed with a new partner. I know many parents who don’t bed share and will resettle babies in their own beds, not bring them into theirs.

If that’s his rule that’s his rule. How do you know it comes from her? As long as he still gets up in the night to comfort and resettle him.

If you disagree your child will learn that different rules apply to mum and dad. Or you can get into his bed for a cuddle, which it what we always did rather than them get in ours...

abilockhart · 04/02/2018 13:18

I split up with my ex in August after I found out he had been seeing someone else for the last 8 months of our 4 year relationship. He very quickly made their relationship official which was fine.

This is between you and your ex. Don't put all your blame and anger in the wrong place by putting your DS and your ex's new GF centre stage in this drama.

Your ex has treated you very badly and you need to be angry at him.

MonochromeDog · 04/02/2018 13:19

Nah, I'd be doing as Fizzy says as stopping overnights now. Let him take you to court. And get a residence order. He's still a baby FFS! Not allowed in their bedroom jeez! I'll bet when the OW has her own baby it'll be allowed in their bedroom. Hmm

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