To resent the new girlfriend living with DS

[Icklepickle101]

I split up with my ex in August after I found out he had been seeing someone else for the last 8 months of our 4 year relationship. He very quickly made their relationship official which was fine. I repeatedly stated I did not want DS (1.5) to meet her yet as he was so little he wouldn’t understand but this was ignored and they met 2 weeks later.

Ex and new woman have now got a house (4 months after me and him splitting up) so DS now spends 3 nights a week living with the new girlfriend. He’s been banished to his own room and banned from cuddles in his dads bed. I can’t help but feel sad that this woman is forcing these rules upon my little boy who’s whole life has been torn apart and probably just wants a bit of comfort.

AIBU to hate her for firstly splitting his family up and now playing the evil stepmother? Seeing photos of the three of them together breaks my heart

I know it must be hard but your lad is young to grow up with this set as being his 'normal'. I don't think it's confusing to have different set ups with each different parent. I also think that 50/50 arrangements can work brilliantly. (Not that the OP asked ☺️)

OP, I'm not suprised you are still really upset and angry that things have worked out like this. I think anyone would feel the same way. Hopefully as you son gets older things will settle down and the adults can manage to work together.

Typo. 'Young enough to grow'

There is no way my child would be staying over night. I agree with Fizzy. It is not in his best interests if he has been raised for all of this time to expect comfort at night, and now this isn't available.

I would tell your ex you feel the nights there and the change of routine he has made is now having a negative effect, and until he is older it will be day time only.

It is not your ex to be calling the shots, rather the focus needs to be on your child's needs. Night terrors and stress is not what you need for such a young child. I would be recording your concerns, the nightmares, changes of personality as well, so if it all does end up in court you will be in good position to defend your decision.

By all means be as fair as you can with the arrangements but NOT at the expense of your son's wellbeing and welfare.

You can't blame, or hate, her for splitting up your family. Your ex was clearly not happy and looked elsewhere, you should blame him.

i'd get a court order for contact eow, your son will need this in place for when he starts nursery/school, otherwise he won't know where he is.
I understand why you are unhappy, I would be too.
your ds needs consistent parenting and if your ex can't agree to your parenting with ds being so little, you owe it to ds to set something official.
I couldn't have let any of mine have over nights with ow in the house so soon.

What I find awful is how many peoplr are quite happy to reduce the amount of time a child spends with their father.

The guy has treated you appalingly in the relationship but he is still DC's father and he is entitled to have different rules in his house.

What I find awful personally is that some people prioritise rights and entitlement of adults over the wellbeing of children. As if they were blind to their needs.

An 18 month year old needs security and routine. If that means for the moments reducing sleepovers, it doesn’t have to mean less contact with his father.

What a small child needs is not what he will need when he is older.

So then BOTH parents discuss it like sensible adults.

You'd have to be blind to not pick up on the 'i'm more annoyed there is a woman there so now I'm going to try and mess with access' vibe going on here (plus all the other posters who are quick to say he should have no overnights, only see DC every other weekend, pull back contact and get him to take you to court etc is classic 'i am a mum so it's my perrogative to dictate access and arrangements').

I get it. OPs ex was a dickhead in their relationship and it's going to hurt. But pulling contact isn't the way to do that.

I also think 50/50 is too young especially when you consider the difference in parenting styles. I expect your ds will be able to adapt far quicker to one overnight stay a week or something more age appropriate. What I can’t get my head around is your ex telling you how to parent. Ie to keep ds out of your room because that is what he’s decided to do in his house. Forbidding your ds to enter his bedroom is strange. In essence, I think your ds needs a primary parent to go to. And he’s not getting that right now. I’m not a childcare specialist or had to go through what you and your ds are going through. But even in my relationship with dh and dd, I’m the primary carer.

You wouldn’t have to be blind Maisy you would have to be inventing stuff that isn’t there.

I agreed to 50/50 custody because I wanted DS to see his dad as much as he wanted because although his dad was an arse to me he’d been a good dad to DS and I didn’t want my feelings to impact his relationship with his dad

I’m not even considering reducing contact or court orders, DS shouldn’t lose on on time with his dad because of our differences.

You see it in all the replies to her.
They are not helpful to the OP who has been reasonable.

He can still see his dad but he doesn't have to have so many overnights.

I think he's too young and if the ''rules' are this different it's too confusing at his age.

‘Hate her for firstly splitting his family up and now playing the evil stepmother’ well yes yabu, she’s not doing anything evil and HE split up the family.
I wouldn’t have a 2yo in my bed either, plenty of people wouldn’t.
He’s his child, I don’t understand why people say ‘take him to court’ over an arrangement where he sees HIS son half the time ffs.
I’d hate it too op, but it’s the situation. Of course it’s normal to hate her and it can’t be easy.

You see that in the replies + a lot of other stuff that isn’t there either. Maisy

There are some really helpful replies.

And then there's:
Stop overnights. Tell your ex that unless he can respond to your DS's needs, he can see him in the daytimes. If he doesn't like it, he can take it to court.

In the meantime see a solicitor and get a residence order that he lives with you.

I'd be doing as Fizzy says as stopping overnights now. Let him take you to court. And get a residence order.

Why does he have so much contact? Is it court ordered? If not, reduce the overnights he has to EOW and 1 day in the week

I doubt your ex would argue if you kept ds with you more

While you say your son shouldn’t loose time with his dad what you don’t seem to see is that he is loosing time with YOU. Frankly, I couldn’t have coped being away from my 18 month old baby for 3 nights a week.
i'd get a court order for contact eow, your son will need this in place for when he starts nursery/school, otherwise he won't know where he is.

What's wrong with OP and her ex talking about coparenting arrangements?
Why is it fine for people to suggest pulling access?
Why is it fine for people to say it's fine for a child to hardly see their dad becaaue time with dad is time not with mum?

“It’s awful, this father has equal rights.......”
“ I’m not even considering reducing contact........”
“Equal parenting rights

Blah blah blah.

What about the rights of the child who is anxious and unhappy???
An 18 month old child shouldn’t be anxious and stressed and confused!

THIS. CO PARENTING ISNT WORKING yet posters are just so gung ho about the rights of the father that the needs of the child are being utterly ignored.

Yes, a father needs to have a good relationship with his child.
But the poor lad should not be torn in two just to satisfy today’s craving for equal parenting rights, ffs.
Think of the child!
The OP seems more interested in doing what her EX tells her than to look at her child and do what is best for him.

Maisypops
It’s fine for people to suggest these things because the 18 month old child/ baby is CONFUSED, STRESSED AND ANXIOUS.

Do you really think a parents wishes should comefirst, even when it is making the child ill??

Both parents have equal rights abd part of them coparenting is discussing parenting together.
When something isn't working, the job of parents is to discuss the issue and work towards a solution, not as some on this thread have suggested pull contact on mum's terms only.

Frankly, I couldn’t have coped being away from my 18 month old baby for 3 nights a week.

YorkshireYummyMummy I stayed with my arse of an XH until the DC were older, for precisely this reason. However, the OP didn't have a choice: her XH left her. That is shit for her in pretty much every respect - but the arrangements for her son aren't about what she can and can't cope with: they are about what she and her XH (a good father, by her admission) think is best for the child. Those are also the criteria a court would go by. I don't think it's helpful to tell her that what she is doing is to the "detriment of her child" (and "poor kid" is pretty unhelpful, too), when she is clearly trying to do the best for him despite her evident resentment of the GF (which is a different issue, and one which she has the misfortune to have to sort out).

I don't think you should pull contact at all. That's not in the interest of anyone. Children do better when the have a good relationship with both parents (where possible). With a very young child though 50/50 can be unsettling as it sounds here.

Things like taking the dummy away should be agreed decisions, not one parent deciding and be implementing. That's just confusing and not in the child's best interest. 50/50 only works if there is an amicable good working relationship as others have said. Adding a new partner that sets boundaries is an extra complication

MaisyPops...why are you so determined that the rights of the father are more important than the wellbeing of the child? This stance is stands out throughout your contributions to this thread and I could not disagree with you more. The needs of the child should take precedence here, Not the rights of the father, not indeed the mother. In this case the child is unsettled and confused by contradictory rules imposed and cannot fail to be confused by his 50/50 residency. OP, I think you should listen to those posters advising you to reduce overnighters while DS is so little. MaisyPops- I think you have your own agenda here and your advice is rather selfish not in the child's best interests

MaisyPops...why are you so determined that the rights of the father are more important than the wellbeing of the child?
I'm not saying they matter more.
I'm saying that it is wrong to say 'something isn't working so reduce access'.

It's better to say 'this isn't working. This is why it isn't working. We need to resolve it together as parents'.

That may mean dad changing routines at his house, it may mean that contact needs changing but that should be a discussion between the parents, not one parent deciding 'this is how it is' (which is what some have advocated).

TatianaLarina
Yawn. User on mumsnet makes teacher dig when a disagreement happens. Very boring.

Atsene
I know a few single mums whose ex husbands are very good dads to their children. Not one of them have been awarded joint custody. I don’t believe that a court would automatically make this award. And im not just speaking out of my arse here. I know what having two homes/ two bedrooms etc did to my brother.
I have to disagree with you when you say that the op is clearly trying to do her best for him. She has said she will not consider reducing his fathers time with him despite it not being - at the moment- what is best for the child. If it was best for the child he wouldn’t be anxious, upset and stressed and the op wouldn’t be posting would she? If you were doing what was best for your child you would consider every option wouldn’t you?? Rather than just doing what was best for a man who left you AND HIS CHILD.
This arrangement clearly isn’t best for this little boy and im amazed that people are still saying that the fathers desires come over the child’s.

The problem is that with a 50-50 arrangement if the mother can refuse to let the child go overnight anymore what is to stop the father doing the same in reverse? The status quo at present is equal parenting. That's why I suggested a mediation appointment to discuss concerns and maybe alter the arrangement if it isn't in the child's best interests.