To resent the new girlfriend living with DS

[Icklepickle101]

I split up with my ex in August after I found out he had been seeing someone else for the last 8 months of our 4 year relationship. He very quickly made their relationship official which was fine. I repeatedly stated I did not want DS (1.5) to meet her yet as he was so little he wouldn’t understand but this was ignored and they met 2 weeks later.

Ex and new woman have now got a house (4 months after me and him splitting up) so DS now spends 3 nights a week living with the new girlfriend. He’s been banished to his own room and banned from cuddles in his dads bed. I can’t help but feel sad that this woman is forcing these rules upon my little boy who’s whole life has been torn apart and probably just wants a bit of comfort.

AIBU to hate her for firstly splitting his family up and now playing the evil stepmother? Seeing photos of the three of them together breaks my heart

MaisyPops....I completely agree with your view that when something isn't working the default position should not be to reduce access. However in this case the current 50/50 access arrangements and varying rules are confusing and upsetting the little boy and he's only 2!! In that case it is the responsibility of the parents to change the arrangement so that the child does not suffer. He is far too young for 50/50 and it is now having a negative effect on him as seen throughout the OPs post. Therefore to continue to doggedly stick to this arrangement because of the father's rights is very selfish

Whizbang
It's not working.
So could the starting point be to discuss consistency across the 2 homes. If that doesn't work then say we need to look at restructuring overnights and then discuss how access and contact can still be maintained.

I think i just got frustrated when is saw a load of 'only go eow' 'get a court order' 'make him take you to court'. None of those are about putting the child first.

I'm not saying 50/50 should be held at the expence of the child's wellbeing, more that some adult discussion should happen not do what some posters have suggested which is control contact and give dad limited access on your terms.

Have you gone back to your ex and said you don't agree with him suggesting how you parent your DS in your house? Surely this would be the starting point. It might open up a discussion about how to cope with issues going forward.

why are you so determined that the rights of the father are more important than the wellbeing of the child?

Having regular contact with both parents promotes the wellbeing of the child. Studies from Sweden showed that living with each parent half of the time helps children of separated parents to cope best. The OP is in a difficult and painful situation here, as are others who separate when their child is young, but it is in the child's best interests to keep a strong relationship with his father. At such a young age, regular contact is important to maintain that relationship.

It will happen repeatedly that they will disagree on some part of the other's parenting. It is a difficult situation for OP, none of us want to be separated from our young children, but she has to trust that his father also wants the best for him and she needs to sit down and have a discussion with him if she feels her DC is becoming anxious. There are ways to comfort a waking child without bringing them into your bed.

Taking the OW out of it, I don't think 50/50 works unless both parents are able to co-parent peacefully.

Oh it’s not a teacher dig, Maisy, I have great respect for teachers generally. It’s a personal criticism. You tend to wade into threads without reading the reponses properly and thinking carefully.

Fair enough MaisyPops, your most recent post is a sensible approach.

for you though icklepickle, I think you'd have to be superhuman not to feel upset under these circumstances. Just keep your guiding principle as it is...needs of DP must come first, and if current arrangement is causing him anxiety and confusion, speak to DP about a mutually acceptable compromise, whether that is consistency across both households, or reducing overnighters until he's a little bit older. Just as you are keeping DS's needs at the forefront, so should your ex and he needs to compromise too if current set up is bot working out well for the littl'un. Good luck to you my lovely - it's a really hard circumstance but you sound like a lovely mum who is putting DS's needs first although painful for you x

Aaaargh, needs of DS must come first, not DP!!! That's what I meant to say!!!

S’ok Whiz that was obvious.

I'm a little bit over the MN mantra of "No, don't be mean to the OW, she might be lovely. Save all your anger for your ex." I know that the main thing is to dissuade women from projecting all of their anger onto the woman and seeing their cheating ex as an angel who got led astray, or couldn't help himself because of that pesky testosterone - but we all live in this society. We know what marriage means, we all go to weddings, and we know what a family unit is. Someone who knowingly takes part in breaking up a family or a marriage does deserve to have some hostility sent their way. Don't tell the OP she can't hate her - of course she can! It's not healthy in the long term, but this is all less than a year old, and she is having to cope with the fallout not just for herself but also her little boy. I'm sick of seeing the pious advice that women should not feel their feelings.

That said, there's very little that be can be done about the current situation. How about buying your DS a cute nightlight that he can take with him, or a soft blanket in his favourite colour? Give your ex suggestions on how to settle him well. Going in with a cooperative unemotional co-parenting attitude will work best. Then call your friends and vent about what a pair of cunts they are

What a mess. I wouldn’t want my toddler in the same bed as those two. That woman knew he was in a relationship and it didn’t stop her.

He is far too young to be spending nights away from you.

It broke my heart that he was sat there crying that he wanted a cuddle from me but thought I’d say no

This is appalling - an animal wouldn't be treated like this. You are absolutely right consider it completely unacceptable, and it is outrageous to me that your ex would try to impose his new rule on your son in your own home - it's dreadful. And let's face it - your ex has that rule because he wants privacy with the new girlfriend. I'm sorry, but that is what it is.

So, he's sacrificing your son's security and right to be close to his parents so that he, your ex, can have sex in private with the new woman.

It is nonsense that a child that young doesn't see and feel things - absolutely bollocks. It will affect the way his emotional pathways develop - it literally will affect how his brain develops and is wired.

So, as the parent who is clearly trying v hard to do the right thing and put your son's interests first (not your adult 'right' to fxxk someone), I really think you should go to your gp, go to a solicitor, and maybe talk with a paediatric psychologist or counsellor about all of this. It doesn't seem in your son's best interests to be half the time there. Not if he is not prioritised. And your ex can F off, omg, with saying what you can and can't do with your own son - just as you are unfortunately unable to say what he should do.

I would make a big fuss. Big. And I don't like making a fuss. But this is wrong. And it WILL affect your son. (I know as split up with my ex husband when my son was 2 and thought he wasn't affected and later it all came out - he was).

You DO have a right to make sure your son is properly parented. Not allowed a cuddle in the night at 2 is pretty much tantamount to abusive, in my opinion. It's all wrong.

OP has already said she won't be reducing contact so I'm not sure why people are still telling her she should.

I think she has a flair for the dramatic. Sorry OP and all that. The language is emotive.

It would appear that other than this bedtime glitch they seem to co parent well. Surely the emphasis should be on fixing this issue rather than creating more?

He is very small to not be allowed a little reassuring cuddle with his Dad, under these circumstances, with having to sleep in a new place away from you, that must be so unsettling. Could he have a bed there big enough that his Dad can cuddle in with him if he wakes upset, or needs a cuddle? Or does your ex think an upset two year old in need of reassurance should stay in their own bed? Personally I would probably stop the sleeping overnight until he is older, has adjusted to the changes, and your ex's new relationship is more established. I would also feel concerned that the new girlfriend doesn't want him having cuddles at night. Could his Dad not have him for evenings but drop him back at bedtime?

It doesn't sound like 50/50 custody is a great idea

Says who? The OP says her DH is a good father. It is ridiculous to suggest splitting the child from his father with so little info. It’s fine for him to stop co sleeping if he wants to. It is fine for you to continue.

The only reason the child is confused is because the father has tried to tell the child what is/is not allowed at the other parents house.

I’m trying my best to make the best of this mess and my only concern is that of DS having the happiest most settled childhood possible. I don’t care about DPs rights, but I do care that DS has a relationship with his dad as long as that is what they both want.

Before last week when exp moved in and suddenly changed from coalescing when needed to no dummy and self settling 50/50 worked well, I think it’s just been too much change in such a short space of time for his little head to comprehend. I think reducing contact would only confuse him more.

I’m going to suggest exp goes and cuddles in DS bed as much as he needs in the night and he keeps his dummy which is his comfort in the massive upheaval. Once he is settled and happy we can discuss the dummy but taking it away now is just cruel.

And of course I would have DS every night if I could but morally that is wrong and selfish of me and I have no right to put my needs above DS need to see his dad.

There’s no textbook for this and I’m just trying to make the best of this for DS, he comes first.

And of course I would have DS every night if I could but morally that is wrong and selfish of me and I have no right to put my needs above DS need to see his dad.

That's all very admirable, but at your DC's age I don't think that's right.

Him living with you and your ex having access (leading to some overnights as he gets older) works for many many people.

Your DS needs one base and I personally don't believe 50/50 gives that.
However, it also doesn't have to be EOW, it can be in the week up till bedtime and part of every weekend. And then he goes home to his mum. (until he's older and can articulate very well want he wants)

She didn't split your family up. Your DP did that

It takes two to tango she knew what she was doing. Of course your not being unreasonable to hate her. I would. However it won't change anything or make you feel any better. Just support your ds as best you can . Your ex will get board and cheat on her soon enough.

I'm a little bit over the MN mantra of "No, don't be mean to the OW, she might be lovely. Save all your anger for your ex."

I couldn't agree more.

OP I think your son is too young for these arrangements just now. What's going to happen when he's sick or having night terrors. I didn't co-sleep with my DC but on nights when they're sick or having bad dreams, they either came into my bed or I went in to theirs.

It sounds like the new woman is trying to undermine your parenting OP. I would bet my life that these are her new rules.

You need to recognise as a father he has equal rights and not try to fool her into thinking she has full control

And yet the father thinks it perfectly acceptable to tell mum how to parent their child, to the point of demanding she doesn’t give cuddles at night. Just who thinks they are in control here?

50/50 is difficult for such young children. My middle child suffered dreadfully in his father’s so-called care on a 50/50 basis so I acknowledge I am not without prejudice. He was far more focused on his relationship and his rights as a parent to actually bother parenting. If nighttime cuddles were fine prior to the spilt, it is the girlfriend putting in these rules and she shoukdn’t Be allowed to dictate how such a small child is parented.

OP - really feel for you. I went to court because I knew it was wrong for my children, Contact time with my ex was reduced but it is unusual it goes that way and my ex was particularly stupid in how he played it. Don’t consider court without proper advice - local solicitors will have experience with local judges and can predict outcomes where there are no welfare concerns. Your little one will adjust to different rules and you can make sure that the time he spends with you is loving, happy and relaxed. He will thank you for being allowed to know his dad - warts and all. Block social media and focus on proiding a happy home and rebuilding your own life. It does get easier.

She has said she will not consider reducing his fathers time with him despite it not being - at the moment- what is best for the child. If it was best for the child he wouldn’t be anxious, upset and stressed and the op wouldn’t be posting would she? If you were doing what was best for your child you would consider every option wouldn’t you?? Rather than just doing what was best for a man who left you AND HIS CHILD.
This arrangement clearly isn’t best for this little boy and im amazed that people are still saying that the fathers desires come over the child’s.

Yorkshire, I don't agree that the OP is doing "what was best for a man who left her and his child". I think she's trying to do the best for her child. I don't think anyone is really saying that the father's desires are more important than the child's, either.

I would say that nobody in their right mind would go to court unless there was absolutely no alternative. And no decent solicitor would advise it, other than as a last resort. Court cases can go very badly wrong. The person who instigates the court case can, in some instances, be regarded as creating trouble for the child, and any judgement can go against them. Any parent doing this would need to tread very, very carefully and have very sound legal advice.

To be honest I’m surprised that a 1.5 year old would be able to tell you that daddy said that he wasn’t allowed to do something . At that age they usually only have single words

I have said he was 1.5 when we split up he’s now 2