To resent the new girlfriend living with DS

[Icklepickle101]

I split up with my ex in August after I found out he had been seeing someone else for the last 8 months of our 4 year relationship. He very quickly made their relationship official which was fine. I repeatedly stated I did not want DS (1.5) to meet her yet as he was so little he wouldn’t understand but this was ignored and they met 2 weeks later.

Ex and new woman have now got a house (4 months after me and him splitting up) so DS now spends 3 nights a week living with the new girlfriend. He’s been banished to his own room and banned from cuddles in his dads bed. I can’t help but feel sad that this woman is forcing these rules upon my little boy who’s whole life has been torn apart and probably just wants a bit of comfort.

AIBU to hate her for firstly splitting his family up and now playing the evil stepmother? Seeing photos of the three of them together breaks my heart

Banished is a very emotive word.

Is your ex a good parent? Does he care for DS? Feed him, wash him, play with him?

You have many parenting differences to come - trust me - this is not the battle to pick.

It doesn't sound like 50/50 custody is a great idea - he's still very little and his dad is more focused on the new relationship.

Your DS 1.5 is very advanced.

I never had any of my 3 children in my bed, they weren't banished or banned from cuddles. That is ridiculous to suggest. They are happy healthy 20+year olds now.

You are of course going to be hurting, it's such a hard thing to get used to. Try not to see her as the evil step Mum. She is far from any step Mum yet. She is just in a relationship with your ex.

Does she have any children of her own?

Your house your rules - never more so than in this scrnario!

This. But it works both ways. If your DH wants him to sleep in his own room while he is staying there, that is his right as a parent to decide. At the same time, whether or not your DD comes into your bed when he's with you is none of your ex's business. Children are very adaptable and he will quickly learn that things can happen differently at Mummy and Daddy's houses.

FGS you would have to be a saint to not be angry and upset that the OW was now living with your baby half the week!

The question is do you think this arrangement is best for your DC or not. If not you can seek mediation or speak to a solicitor about your options.

I doubt your ex would argue if you kept ds with you more.

If you try to stop overnight contact your ex would be within his rights to go to court for a contact order. No judge would consider the child not being allowed in the parent's bed as grounds to refuse this.

The posters saying you should stop overnights and make him go to court should be ashamed of themselves
Is that really a sensible adult way to deal with this

OP I get why you're pissed off but maybe your exes partner doesn't feel comfortable having your ds in bed with her, not being his Mum

My ex boyf used to get up and out of the bed if my ds needed to be in with me in the night
Hopefully if your ds needs comforting then your ex will go in with him

The father not allowing the son to get in bed with himself and his gf just because he (DS) wants to is fine. Parents have the right to make that decision. BUT if the gf is stopping the father from going to the child when he wakes up with a bad dream or such, that's another thing.

OP should inform the father that just as it's 'his house, his rules', it will be 'her house, her rules', too. Children are pretty adaptable and if neither parent makes a big deal out of this to the child, he will soon adapt and be fine.

The only reason I'd change visits is if the father continues to tell the child that he isn't (or shouldn't) be allowed in the mother's bed in her own home.

I know in my heart I’m getting far too worked up about this as it is a minor thing but my heart is hurting.

I have a new partner who has a DD but I wouldn’t dream of us meeting each other’s children yet, it’s just too soon.

I would check how they would comfort your DS if he is distressed or are they just leaving him. I wouldn't be happy if they were just leaving him.

You could maybe suggest having DS with you more, it maybe they want that. I suspect your ex's priority is himself. He may also just be blaming the girlfriend for this, he's not that honest a man after all.

my heart is hurting

Of course it is, you have went from being a full time Mum to not having him half the week. That is hard enough to get used to but add in the fact he already allows his partner around your son, it is adding insult to injury.

You are entitled to be very hurt by him. But imo you are not entitled to stop his access or over night stays because of it.

You are going to be co-parenting for many many years yet. The smoother you can make it the better for your DS. Can you ask for mediation? Try to agree some boundaries?

I have some experience of courts, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. OP, your gut instinct that your DS needs a good, active relationship with his dad is right. I don't think you can blame the GF for your ex not wanting your DS in bed. It may well be that he never wanted to have a child in bed with him, even when you were together. Lots of parents don't. I didn't co-sleep with mine, on the grounds that I saw them for about 14 hours per day, every day, and there was no need to see them at night as well (unless they were properly unwell, in which case XH used to sleep on a mattress in the bedroom of whoever was unwell). It may just be that your ex is now parenting in the way he sees fit. I think the GF is a red herring, though. Your ex is the one who split your family up; she plays a role (could have told him that she wasn't having anything to do with someone who had a partner and a child), but she can't take the blame for everything here.

What's more, I'm afraid you'll have to bite your lip very hard and not let your dislike of her show. All the successful 'separated' families I know have worked very, very hard to put the children's interests before their own.

Why does he have so much contact? Is it court ordered? If not, reduce the overnights he has to EOW and 1 day in the week. It's not fair for your son to have a completely different routine for half the week

Let him take you to court. And get a residence order

FFS! Do you have any idea what a stressful, expensive, adversarial process going to court is. It will destroy any semblance of trust and good will that you have for one another.

Those PP's who have said that it is ok to have different rules in different houses are right. Children can adapt really well to every environment they are in - they cope with different rules at school don't they? Problems only arise when the parents are in conflict about these rules.

I can understand your sadness and frustration and it sounds like you are handling things amazingly well OP. But your parenting issues are between you and your ex - not the new girlfriend. He is ultimately making decisions you don't like.

I would suggest getting together and coming up with a parenting plan that details how you are going to bring up your child as parents who live apart. If you feel like that you can't do this without help, you could try a mediator for a couple of sessions to help you thrash out an agreement. It will be much less expensive and adversarial than going to court and more likely to come up with a plan that you both have contributed to.

I also recommend this great book

Good luck OP.

I’m not even considering reducing contact or court orders, DS shouldn’t lose on on time with his dad because of our differences.

I just want what’s best for him and seeing him anxious and upset isn’t nice.

I was always against coalescing but exp encouraged it and said it was in ds’s best interest to feel loved and secure if he needed it when he was so little, now all of a sudden in the midst of all this change he’s taking that away from him (as well as trying to get rid of his dummy at the same time). I think DS is just confused, I get the new girlfriend doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as DS but surely they can’t expect him to go from coalescing with his funny when needed to in his own room, self settling in a week. Whilst being moved to a new house?!

I might get flamed for this but I think an 18 month old child needs to be in his home, in his bed, with his mummy ( who is usually the primary carer) in the next room.
It’s too unsettling for a baby to have three nights here and three nights there. This happened to my brother, he never spent a week in the same bed. He HATED it and has caused massive emotional problems for him. It happened to him from being 20 months old.

I would do what pp have said and establish a more stable routine for your son - which would involve either no overnights or one per week/fortnight. Whatever your son can cope with. Children need continuity and stability and your DS is not getting that.
While it’s all well and good saying “he is a great dad “ etc he wasn’t a good enough dad to put his child’s needs above his own and he is not good enough now to stand up to his gf to ensure his son is happy. He is showing that his sons happiness comes second to that of his girlfriend.

Go to court, get residency and bring some stability and normality to your confused little boys life. Two different parenting styles ( three if you count the interference of gf) are NEVER going to work when the child in question is so young and when he doesn’t have a parent who has residency and ultimate say. There can not be two bosses both going in different directions and IMO your ex abdicated his duties when he chose to shag about.
Take control,of this situation before your son gets even more confused and emotionally damaged.

I’m a mother of three.I don’t encourage them co-sleeping they can have a cuddle in the morning but that’s it. I think banishing is completely OTT everyone parents differently. As for the 50/50 it’s abit much at that age but has it been working? Would look spiteful to change it now unless your ds was struggling with the arrangement.

Icklepickle
If you want what’s best for your son then stop being so stuck on making this co parenting work.
By your own admission your child is anxious and upset. It’s not working! So look at other options at what is best for your child NOT what is best for your ex.
While you say your son shouldn’t loose time with his dad what you don’t seem to see is that he is loosing time with YOU. Frankly, I couldn’t have coped being away from my 18 month old baby for 3 nights a week.
Are you so determined to make this work that you will see it through to the detriment of your child.
What’s more important -your child or making this split parenting work? Because if it was working you wouldn’t be posting on here.
Poor kid.

I think you're unreasonable to only hate her and blame her. He is the one who was in a relationship with you, you need to focus your resentment/bitterness on him but without impacting your son. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else. I'm sorry but he was looking for an out.

It's fine for him not to sleep in his dads bed. It's fine to have cuddles in his own bed. It's not how you parent, but he is his father and is allowed to make these decisions.

I think uou are facing a period of readjustment, a hard one, and have to come to terms with your new reality. Whilst ensuring your son is not negatively impacted by your feelings towards his father. It's going to be hard but it is what it is.💐

Are you so determined to make this work that you will see it through to the detriment of your child

This is not good advice. In fact it's awful this child has a father who has equal rights. She is not the decider and a sole parent who bestows rights at her whim. You need to recognise as a father he has equal rights and not try to fool her into thinking she has full control.

I agree with Yorkshire, I think he’s too young for 50:50, particularly if these are the rules. It’s all far too confusing for him.

Rights are nothing to do with the child’s wellbeing. Wellbeing should come first.

My kids were never allowed in my bed when we finished co-sleeping at 1. I don't think they are damaged.

I also think it's too young for 50:50 shared care. In fact m not sure it's what's best for children at all, I could think of nothing worse than spending alternate nights at different places. My stress levels would be raised and I'm an adult. I would do s bit more reading around it and have a re-think