Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drag DH back into family life after illness?

102 replies

lookingforthecorkscrew · 04/02/2018 10:49

I've posted before about DH suffering from severe anxiety (exacerbated by recent financial difficulties). We had one hellish week of him being practically paralysed by anxiety and unable to function - eating and sleeping were a struggle. We sought help for this and the GP took him very seriously.

While all this was happening I was picking up the slack and looking after our 3yo DS, planning a house move (we move in less than 3 weeks) and being pregnant with HG. It was tiring as DS was ill, but my husband was genuinely unable to contribute so I just got on with everything.

Another week passed, he's now working again (he works from home) and his eating and sleeping have improved a bit, though he still wakes in the night. He's reading for pleasure again and enjoying little things like having a beer in the evening. He even went out for drinks with friends the other night.

This is now the third weekend since the worst point. But he still isn't participating in family life at all. Every morning he stays in bed until 10.30/11 and won't get up to help with DS. This morning I challenged him on it and he just turned over in bed. He still puts his needs before ours, talking about himself and how he's getting on. The other night I didn't sleep at all because DS was up with a bad chest, he said 'Oh I slept through all that, that's good isn't it?' - he is viewing everything through a very selfish filter.

And I need his help now. This move is getting closer. I need help with organising our house. I need help with entertaining our son so that we can organise the house. I have bad days with my HG where getting on normally is very difficult. Our baby will be here in June. And I'm just really really fucking tired of doing everything.

He has form for this, mental ill health aside. He's never been proactive with parenting DS, doesn't really initiate any meaningful 1-1 time with him. When they are alone together he gives DS the iPad and sits looking at his phone. Consequently DS looks to me to fulfil most of his needs - and struggles with being away from me. I want this to change.

But I just don't know how to approach this. DH has been ill, and I have great sympathy for that. But I also think he's being a bit of a CF...

OP posts:
Gazelda · 04/02/2018 10:56

Bloody hell, that sounds so tough for you. Yes, he needs Time to get better, but part of getting better is acknowledging the needs around him and getting back to being involved with his family.
I don't know what to suggest, I'm afraid.
Do you have family that can help? Suggest he takes DS to visit his mum for a couple of hours while you rest? Ask a friend to take DS while you and DH pack up one room? Insist on him being Night career once per week so you can get some solid sleep? Get him to take DS to the park? All 3 of you go out for some fun together? All of those ideas sound a bit insipid, I hope someone comes along with better ideas than me!

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 04/02/2018 10:58

No family nearby, unfortunately.

I just want him to be in charge with me. Not me be in charge and have to assign little tasks to him.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 04/02/2018 10:59

Well if he can go out with friends he can interact with his child. Though tbh it doesn't sound like he has ever been an engaged parent so it is unlikely he is going to start now that he has a 'reason' not to. I really feel for you, HG is awful even with a supportive partner. I hope you get some respite from it soon.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 04/02/2018 11:00

I know it'll disappear when the baby is here, 18 more weeks!

Then NEVER again.

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 04/02/2018 11:07

I think you need to act now before this becomes the norm. Could you assign him tasks to do in a sort of 'house move is nearly upon us, I'll start packing garage while you take DS to park'. Don't ask him, just start assigning him simple tasks, 'I'll finish the ironing while you make tea'

Eliza9917 · 04/02/2018 11:07

He has form for this, mental ill health aside. He's never been proactive with parenting DS, doesn't really initiate any meaningful 1-1 time with him. When they are alone together he gives DS the iPad and sits looking at his phone. Consequently DS looks to me to fulfil most of his needs - and struggles with being away from me. I want this to change.

Why have another child with him then??

That always amazed me, the men are useless, lazy, inconsiderate, whatever, so ppl marry/have kids with them then moan that they are useless fathers. Pick better in the first place and mist won't end up in the shitty situations you are in.

BewareOfDragons · 04/02/2018 11:08

Have you considered moving without him?

Honestly. It sounds like you're doing it all yourself anyway. What does he add to your lives in terms of happiness, joy, co-parenting, being responsible for half the things life and children throw at you?

It sounds like he doesn't want to 'get better' if it means doing his share, pulling his weight, actually being a full parent, actually being a full partner...

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't put up with that. Life is too short. And the DCs will start to notice that daddy doesn't do anything for them, with them, or for you. Charming.

Runningoutofusernames · 04/02/2018 11:08

My DH was like this when very depressed. It's awful to live with, because yes it's an illness, but the difference is that a physical illness doesn't leave the person so incredibly internally focussed. At the worst I felt like we barely existed for DH.

I really would recommend laying it out now, as it will only get worse if it happens with two. Maybe a letter? The risk is always that this turns into another thing for them to beat themselves up about instead of actually DOING anything about it, so worth working out how to address that.
Also, I wish I'd asked for more help at the same stage - I'd so strongly recommend that you talk to your midwife or GP, there is a lot of support out there for you with counselling services like IAPT who you can talk to so that you aren't having to keep it all in.

Original poster
lookingforthecorkscrew · 04/02/2018 11:11

Thanks for your support Eliza, it's much appreciated Envy

OP posts:
MuncheysMummy · 04/02/2018 11:12

Yes sorry but I'm another who's going to say, if he's an unengaged parent to the DS you have already at the best of times, what on earth made you think he'd be any better with another child added to the mix?! If your lazy and self absorbed then that's the way you are and because you have done everything so far you will have one hell of an uphill struggle getting him to change that default mindset that you will take care of everything!

ChickenPaws · 04/02/2018 11:14

Many people with anxiety and depression just don’t have the luxury of opting out of responsibilities Hmm you take the prescribed medication and get on with it.

If he doesn’t make more effort, I’d be inclined to go it alone if you’re able to do that. You’re doing it alone now really.

Be aware that the sick role can become a bad habit and one that some people are reluctant to give up due to what they get out of it.

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman · 04/02/2018 11:14

Give him a list of jobs he needs to get done. Tell him to crack on or actually I agree moving without him would appeal to me.

Idontdowindows · 04/02/2018 11:16

Do what you would do if he were not ill. Yes, he needs time, but there is no time right now and he is physically capable of participating. Tell him to put on his big boy trousers and get to it.

Does he have counseling/psychological support?

MuncheysMummy · 04/02/2018 11:16

I do have sympathy by the way my own DH has a tendency to slide this way and I have to keep an eye on making sure he isn't leaving more and more to me to sort out and do,bit by bit until suddenly I'm doing everything and he's just looking after himself again and barely taking part in family life! Hmm Wh

Butterymuffin · 04/02/2018 11:18

Don't see how the posts saying 'why did you do this thing that now can't be undone?' are at all helpful.

OP I think you need to lay out for him that this can't go on as it is forever, or you'd be better off just going it alone. He needs to allocate some time to family life. Build it up gradually perhaps, but he has to try.

saladdays66 · 04/02/2018 11:18

Agree with Munchey and Eliza - sorry.

If he has form for this, sounds like he’s using his anxiety as an excuse to opt out and be selfish. You need to talk to him. And consider your options if he won’t change...

Gilead · 04/02/2018 11:21

I do think that those who are stating that you shouldn't have had another child are being unreasonable. Actually, I think they're being bloody horrible. The fact is you have done so, you need help now, not judgement. I know only too well how you always hope it's going to change, you honestly believe it. They muck in for a couple of weeks because you've had a moan, and then it reverts but because it's been good for a while you let it slide; but you still hope they'll grow up, see the light and just bloody well get on with being an equal partner. Those are some of the reasons people stay.
I'm afraid looking you need to be tough and stick to your guns. I know from experience (over 20 years) that if you don't, it never resolves itself.
Good luck! Flowers

Bigfatchips · 04/02/2018 11:23

Another one saying perhaps just start considering a life without him.

JaneEyre70 · 04/02/2018 11:26

This is the 2nd post today about men with "mental health" issues that conveniently check out of family life. Why on earth are you enabling him to do this? You are carrying the entire family on your shoulders.....why don't you take to bed with your HG and let him sort it out? Because he wouldn't enable you, that's why. I feel so sad for both the OPs that have written these posts, what a way to be living. Or existing Flowers

AnachronisticCorpse · 04/02/2018 11:26

Having a beer in the evenings and going out with friends for drinks?

That pinged my radar. How many beers, and how often?

Avoiding alcohol is MH 101.

Jackyjill6 · 04/02/2018 11:28

Has he started on any medication? Anti depressants can take a while to kick in.

Whisky2014 · 04/02/2018 11:28

If he can go out drinking he can help run thr house.

Should he be drinking anyway since alcohol is a depressant?

Get tough, OP.

gamerchick · 04/02/2018 11:29

He’s being selfish. You don’t get to opt out if life because of anxiety. Take a pill, do some mega exercise if you’re feeling crippled. Both work quite well.

Personally I’d be telling him if he wants to please and think only if himself then he can live elsewhere and do it. This is your life for ever otherwise.

CrabappleBiscuit · 04/02/2018 11:30

My dh had a severe depressive episode last year, it lasted all year. The utter self absorbed nature of it shocked me and I regularly had to go and let off steam about it. I ended up doing everything.

He was on medication, exercised and did lots of things to help.

I learnt that I had to look after myself too. Also get every form of practical and emotional support you can.

It may be he’s always been a lazy arse and would’nt be helping anyway or it may be the illness.

Your frustration at this is screaming out, but you are moving whatever, so you’ll just have to get on with that, and sort out the is he lazy is he sick later.

I know at his worst my dh couldn’t get out of bed never mind play any active role in th3 house. But tha5 was a total personality change for him it was a shock.

He’s so much better now....

Serialweightwatcher · 04/02/2018 11:33

Severe anxiety is debilitating and I sympathise completely with how he's been feeling - other than that though you say he has form for not being proactive with your DS even without mental health problems, so I don't think this is to do with the anxiety and seems normal for him. You're not in a good situation and other than threatening to leave or asking him to leave I honestly don't think the family life part of it will improve with or without the anxiety Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.