To drag DH back into family life after illness?

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

I've posted before about DH suffering from severe anxiety (exacerbated by recent financial difficulties). We had one hellish week of him being practically paralysed by anxiety and unable to function - eating and sleeping were a struggle. We sought help for this and the GP took him very seriously.

While all this was happening I was picking up the slack and looking after our 3yo DS, planning a house move (we move in less than 3 weeks) and being pregnant with HG. It was tiring as DS was ill, but my husband was genuinely unable to contribute so I just got on with everything.

Another week passed, he's now working again (he works from home) and his eating and sleeping have improved a bit, though he still wakes in the night. He's reading for pleasure again and enjoying little things like having a beer in the evening. He even went out for drinks with friends the other night.

This is now the third weekend since the worst point. But he still isn't participating in family life at all. Every morning he stays in bed until 10.30/11 and won't get up to help with DS. This morning I challenged him on it and he just turned over in bed. He still puts his needs before ours, talking about himself and how he's getting on. The other night I didn't sleep at all because DS was up with a bad chest, he said 'Oh I slept through all that, that's good isn't it?' - he is viewing everything through a very selfish filter.

And I need his help now. This move is getting closer. I need help with organising our house. I need help with entertaining our son so that we can organise the house. I have bad days with my HG where getting on normally is very difficult. Our baby will be here in June. And I'm just really really fucking tired of doing everything.

He has form for this, mental ill health aside. He's never been proactive with parenting DS, doesn't really initiate any meaningful 1-1 time with him. When they are alone together he gives DS the iPad and sits looking at his phone. Consequently DS looks to me to fulfil most of his needs - and struggles with being away from me. I want this to change.

But I just don't know how to approach this. DH has been ill, and I have great sympathy for that. But I also think he's being a bit of a CF...

OP, I'm sorry you are feeling so drained, emotionally and physically. You have to talk to him but you have to know where your line is. At the moment he has no reason to change as the only downside is you "nagging" him and he can tune out to that. Tell him how you feel, ask him what he can do to participate in family life and tell him the situation if you behaved like he is. Being depressed does not give you carte blanche to act like a single non parent.

My thoughts exactly @Eliza9917 so many times I read threads on here off women complaining about their useless and selfish husbands then it's always coupled with 'I'm pregnant'. Why you would go on to have more than one child with a man who has proven he's nothing but a child himself is beyond me. You knew what he was like when you decided to have more children with him

I can see that the comments about not having a second child with someone who had already shown themselves to be a crap parent are very unhelpful to OP, but I do hope someone else might read them and usefully reflect on them before this thread is taken down (and fwiw OP I see why you want it down). We just hear about this happening so often.

It sounds really tough.

No don’t get the thread removed.

Get on the phone to the removal company and get a full packing service. It will probably cost you a few hundred pounds. We have tons and tons of stuff and have furniture in 4 bedrooms, plus office, it cost us £400 for packing, £200 for unpacking. Ok it was 7 years ago but it can’t cost that much more these days.

It's only been a few weeks. Does he have a therapist/gp/someone overseeing his recovery? Talk to that person about a schedule which will ease him back into family and real life. Make sure they know how ill you yourself are, so that dealing with that has a high priority in the schedule.

I actually feel really sorry for you OP. You're tired, run down and exhausted and the reality is that your DH isn't there for you when you need him. I think there is a fine line between supporting someone and becoming a martyr, but you hopefully can see that line. You need to be fighting fit and strong to make big changes, and right now you're nowhere near that place. Just take care of yourself, as no one else can do that for you and remember that there is always a choice .

In his minds, is participating in family life part of "getting better" where his MH issues are concerned? From what you describe, he might think he's "better" because he's eating, sleeping and working. Might be an idea to approach it from this angle. If he can't participate in all aspects of his life and responsibilities, he's got more work to do. Not you, HE has more work to do to get better. Yes it's hard but most people with MH issues and families get on with it and do what they need to do rather than checking out.

Don't enable him to do this anymore. He needs to take responsibility for his own wellbeing so he can provide you the support you need.

I suspect all the time you give him the opportunity to use his MH as an excuse, he will. I had a relationship with a man who had MH issues which he insisted kept him from working. I don't doubt his issues are real, but he also wanted me to do everything because, you know, MH too bad to take the rubbish out/do dinner/help at all. I actually have an enduring MH condition and tend to just get on with what needs doing because it has to be done no matter how bad I feel. His attitude was that I should be doing everything because his MH was just too bad. We're not together anymore.

Please don’t get the thread taken down, it might help others.

The resources I used were very similar to this. I found the activities schedule really helped me.

www.hpft.nhs.uk/media/1184/cbt-workshop-booklet_web.pdf

did he always want children?

doesnt sound like hes bothered either way if he was crap before his illness-having another one maybe just too much for him to think about it

i dont know what it is you want people to say because you adore hm and coldnt bare the thougt of leaving

In treatment, practically every single decision was taken away from him. He was on a set schedule of waking, breakfast, therapy, lunch, therapy, dinner, expertise, supper, bed. His biggest decision was whether to have chicken or cheese salad at lunch.

OP could you try this with him? Replace the therapy bits with getting him to pack a box, or do the washing etc. The exercise could be getting him to take DS out to the park.

He's never been proactive with parenting DS, doesn't really initiate any meaningful 1-1 time with him. When they are alone together he gives DS the iPad and sits looking at his phone. Consequently DS looks to me to fulfil most of his needs - and struggles with being away from me. I want this to change.

Are you saying that he was like this before he became ill?

OP, I hope you can get some help to take some of the burden from you. Ideally, your DH should be sharing the burden, but I understand how tiring it must be to explain to him that he needs to help, rather than him just getting on and doing it. Who is noticing your needs?
If nothing else, please confide in your MW. Ask if any friends/family can help on moving day. And, as frustrating as it is, delegate small tasks to DH.
Tell him how much you are struggling, ask him how he thinks the two of you can get through this. His illness is affecting you both, he obviously doesn't realise this.
Take care of yourself

He's your best friend and you don't want to move to a new place without him.

If he was truly your best friend, I would totally get that, OP. I would.

But in my experience, best friends don't dump everything on you. They don't leave you to get on with life while they hide from it. They don't make you do all the parenting for two. They don't force you to make them pitch in. And they don't point to mental health issues excusing their behaviour while waltzing out to drink with friends. Alcohol with MH issues? Really?

I know you don't like the responses you've been getting, but really, why did you post what you did about him then? The responses are spot on based on your own posts.

Good luck to you.

Has this happened before during your relationship? Is there a pattern?

I think the crux of the matter is, is he genuinely suffering from mental illness?
If he is, what treatment is he having? Medication? Therapy? If he is genuinely mentally ill then he wont be able to function normally but if he is seeking help, then you may have to carry the load, as difficult as it is.

If he has no diagnosis or is not seeking professional help then that is a completely different matter.

"If he is genuinely mentally ill then he wont be able to function normally"

That's not necessarily true Niche and relies on an outdated view of MH issues where you're either ill or you're not. Lots and lots if people have a mental health problem and function normally. Many don't, sadly. But lots do. At my worst periods of depression I was getting everything done I needed to (no time off work) albeit with a running commentary in my head about how much I hated myself and wondering how I could best self harm and get away with it, with lethargy admittedly. But from the outside as I didn't let anything slip nobody would have guessed.

Often it's a case of if you have no choice but to carry on you do (often, not always). OP's husband obviously can let everything slip as his wife will pick it all up so he is doing so. If he can go meet friends for drinks he can parent his child and do housework.

I'm going to ask for admin to take this thread down, I'm too tired and sick to be shouted at in capital letters by people with v little empathy.

All well & good, but you still need to be dealing with the person at home who has little empathy.

Shocked at all the 'move with out him' comments what happened to in sickness and in health?

Adulting is hard. Even harder when you are ill. He is ill, you are ill, DS is ill. You are moving soon so you all need to muck in. End of. He needs to be told that although you sympathise with his struggle, you are also struggling and it is made harder by his removal from all things grown up. I am assuming he wanted this move?

My DH is recovering from MH illness ( depression/anxiety). He was useless to everyone including himself at the beginning but as part of supporting him to get better we discussed how he can put time aside to help himself (exercise/rest/personal hygiene!) and how he can integrate himself back into normal life. He couldn't make the simplest decisions so I made them for him to begin with. Things like, can you please make sure the kids brush teeth this morning while I make beds/ can you prepare some pesto pasta for kids tea while I do ironing/ can you run a bath for the kids while I do dinner/get a load of washing done etc. We'd had an honest open conversation about it and I wanted to make sure it would not be seen as nagging/instructing, but rather a prompt for him to be a functioning part of our family life. You need to have the discussion, let him know it's about supporting him to support your family and not nagging and try to set up a system/rota that he can work with. Good luck!

Agree with Munchey and Eliza - sorry.

Sorry...I have to agree too. Don't have a third child and expect him to change.

It's not really lack of empathy...it's genuinely wondering why you chose to have another child and expect a different outcome.

Others in your position know the husband isn't a good hands on dad...but they want all their kids with one man. In which case be prepared to do it all on your own. Effectively a single married parent.

Like @JustHereForThePooStories I am also a partner of someone with significant mental health issues (serious depression in this case).
While it is important to say that choosing not to stay is a legitimate choice, choosing to stay is also an active one, but you should also be aware of what's involved and what the impact is.

For us, my support comes at the price of a treatment/management plan including medication and/or therapy as needed, that we keep no alcohol at home (I go to the pub if I want a wine) and that we work together to best cope.
Some days are better than others, small things like getting out of a routine due to having a cold have a big impact, but we keep going because together with the medical team we are finding our ways to cope.
Some will find it odd, will think that my love has a price, in some ways it does - I am not willing to lose my mental health for his.

@lookingforthecorkscrew please consider doing the following:

• tell your health visitor/midwife/GP and find out what support is available for you all.
• consider contacting Mind or a similar charity for help either for you or him or together. They can help you realise what is realistic to expect at what stage and with which diagnosis.
• Ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships (kinder crowd!).

to you all, hope the HG clears up!!

Little daily/weekly goals like the ones @EggsRoyale can really help, but we only started with those once we had professional support.

I have every sympathy op. I don’t have any other suggestions to offer then already stated.

I am amazed at the comments about your pregnancy.