To drag DH back into family life after illness?

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

I've posted before about DH suffering from severe anxiety (exacerbated by recent financial difficulties). We had one hellish week of him being practically paralysed by anxiety and unable to function - eating and sleeping were a struggle. We sought help for this and the GP took him very seriously.

While all this was happening I was picking up the slack and looking after our 3yo DS, planning a house move (we move in less than 3 weeks) and being pregnant with HG. It was tiring as DS was ill, but my husband was genuinely unable to contribute so I just got on with everything.

Another week passed, he's now working again (he works from home) and his eating and sleeping have improved a bit, though he still wakes in the night. He's reading for pleasure again and enjoying little things like having a beer in the evening. He even went out for drinks with friends the other night.

This is now the third weekend since the worst point. But he still isn't participating in family life at all. Every morning he stays in bed until 10.30/11 and won't get up to help with DS. This morning I challenged him on it and he just turned over in bed. He still puts his needs before ours, talking about himself and how he's getting on. The other night I didn't sleep at all because DS was up with a bad chest, he said 'Oh I slept through all that, that's good isn't it?' - he is viewing everything through a very selfish filter.

And I need his help now. This move is getting closer. I need help with organising our house. I need help with entertaining our son so that we can organise the house. I have bad days with my HG where getting on normally is very difficult. Our baby will be here in June. And I'm just really really fucking tired of doing everything.

He has form for this, mental ill health aside. He's never been proactive with parenting DS, doesn't really initiate any meaningful 1-1 time with him. When they are alone together he gives DS the iPad and sits looking at his phone. Consequently DS looks to me to fulfil most of his needs - and struggles with being away from me. I want this to change.

But I just don't know how to approach this. DH has been ill, and I have great sympathy for that. But I also think he's being a bit of a CF...

I sympathise OP, I have a close family member who struggles badly with anxiety. However. I find it really hard to swallow that his leaves him unable to participate in family life, but able to meet his mates in the pub. Honestly I’d move without him, see if it gives him the wake up call he needs.

Those saying “why did you have another child with him” etc are missing the point. Or have you misread the OP and think it’s says “I’m thinking of having another baby etc etc”

OP is pregnant, has a toddler and a house move coming. That’s the problem she needs help with!

OP, what did his GP say about getting back to normality?

Move out without him. He isn't going to change and you will be doing it all with two children instead of one.

If he takes his mental health seriously, he will stop drinking (assuming he is on ads) and start engaging with people again. But as long as you are there to run around after him, he doesn't have much incentive does he.

Another week passed, he's now working again (he works from home) and his eating and sleeping have improved a bit, though he still wakes in the night. He's reading for pleasure again and enjoying little things like having a beer in the evening. He even went out for drinks with friends the other night.

If he can do this he can pack up a house and entertain a three year old. Otherwise, I'd be telling him to jog on

Hang on, I'll just pop into my DeLorean and stop myself from getting pregnant...

Ha! Yeah I think we can all agree that's a sunk cost. However, it is slightly relevant in either he wasn't as bad as he is now or he wasn't so bad that you felt his disengagement with DS was a deal breaker for you. So I guess the question is, are you looking to get him back to his old self or a new and improved version?

Seriously though, DH isn't drinking to excess - one or two beers this week max.

He lost his father last year, and we lost a baby (miscarriage at 11 weeks), since then he's been way way crappier than he ever was. So yes, I've cut him a bit of slack for that because I too lost a parent eight years ago and I know how it affects you.

I've cut him too much slack. And he lacks the initiative to take it up by himself.

He adores me and DS. He would be broken by us leaving. I don't want to leave him anyway, he's my best friend.

I love how people suggest me leaving without him, like that's something you can just do. Like there hasn't been significant money exchanged already in this move. Like I want to start a new life in a new town on my own without somebody I adore. Like I want to give birth to DD without him.

It's not that simple, is it? That's life. Peaks and troughs. This is a trough right now.

Make him. Selfishness and depression are not always twins.

Don’t enable him. Put your energy into efficient ways of getting him involved.

Would your lives be worse or better if you left him?

I think pps are being harsh, OP. Having a child is not a choice like "oh I'll have the perm" it's an investment in your hopes for the future. You don't actually know how it'll work out, you only realise in hindsight sometimes that the signs were there.
DH needs help, but so do you. You are doing everything and you are not well either. Speak to your GP or HV about you. Also, get some professional advice about how to interpret DHs behaviour and encourage him to join in with the family. Surely this will help his self esteem.

Some people really do take the biscuit. I have known people on their knees with mental health but they still did what was needed doing in regards to their kids and life.

A week off family life and related tasks is a downright luxury. If he was super ill he’d be in a mh unit.

I hope he is receiving treatment.

Tell him to get off his backside ASAP.

You aren’t his mother/maid/nanny

Your his wife = partnership

No partnership = no marriage

Start now and just start to allocate him household tasks without asking if he can manage. Ask him to give ds lunch and go out for an hour or two.

I have to say that you will have your work cut out to get him to share evenly and do the thinking but there sounds no reason why he can’t start to get stuck in with some help.

It’s about time to throw some toys from your pram because in all honesty he sounds bloody selfish. He can gradually build up but if he has sleep problems every expert will say that you need a routine and getting up in the morning is critical.

Life would be worse without him. Unimaginable. We've been together for twelve years.

This is potentially a difficult one. If it was a physical illness people would be saying that he obviously needs time to recover, but MH is different because it’s something which the sufferer can potentially take greater control of. That being said, I think that even physical illness can take its toll on family life and everyone has a breaking point even where that’s concerned. And I speak as someone who has a life-limiting illness which often does take me out of family life and I know does take its toll sometimes. I wouldn’t blame my partner if he left me as a result.

It does sound however as if your dh had checked out of family life before this episode however, and as such even if he does recover from this episode he is unlikely to bring much positive to the equation anyway. I would be thinking about whether this future is sustainable in the long term.

I do have sympathy for you. It's ridiculous saying 'why have another baby' when you are imminent but I do agree with the posters who point out this is your normal....he won't change as he has no reason too.

Other than leave him you are going to have to baby him. Give him strict instructions. If he is well enough to drink he is well enough to help you. If his extreme anxiety has passed that quick and it's given him carte Blanche to be a cf then you are getting angry with the wrong people on here. Sit him down and talk to him or except that this is your life and get on with it. I don't envy you.

Tell him he has 3 weeks to sort himself out or you’re moving without him

I think you should write a list out, from wake up to go to sleep (with times) of what you do.

Do similar for DH.

Then ask him what tasks you can pass on to him, as your household is a unity not a sole effort.

Explain that your body is growing a baby, so your energy levels aren't as high as usual. It's not fair for him to have a lie in every day. If he'd like a lie in some mornings, then it needs to be fair and you get a lie in others xx

This sounds terrible — you have all my sympathies. During my second pregnancy (only one with HG) my DH did basically everything and I was the one lying groaning in bed until 10:30 every day.

I’m not sure from your first post what the mental health diagnosis is or whether your husband’s taking medication. It sounds as if this could be a very serious depression rather than ‘merely’ an anxiety disorder (because of the lethargy, ‘checking out’ etc) — the anxiety being one symptom. If it is, then your husband needs proper psychiatric care (not the GP, but a referral; GPs won’t prescribe a lot of psychiatric drugs and you need an expert to decide, for example, if it might be bipolar depression as opposed to unipolar). There is I’m afraid little chance of the depression spontaneously remitting in the short term and staying away if this is what it is. On the other hand, maybe the GP decided not to refer him and the problem isn’t so much a chemical one as the negative qualities other posters are pointing to — eg laziness, preferring to leave it all up to you, self-absorption.

My impression is that he’s probably seriously unwell but what do you think? What’s his mental health been like in the past? What’s the family history?

If he's never been a proper dad to your son then why are you having another baby with him?! It's not fair on your son or the baby... or you! Maybe baby was a surprise, these things happen. If I were you, I'd be planning my exit. Do you have any family or friends who could look after you when you have the baby? No harm in making a plan B.
Suggest relationship counselling. If he won't go then get rid of him. Mental illness is awful but it sounds like he's using his illness as an excuse not to parent his child and this will just get worse when the baby arrives. What would he do if you weren't around?
Hope it all works out for you and everything goes well with the baby.

I felt sympathy for your DH until I saw that he has form for this.

I have suffered from anxiety and would not wish this on my worst enemy so do have great sympathy for your DH but it does not sound like he is helping himself (drinking alcohol is never good for anxiety).

When I was very ill with anxiety I found it very difficult to think straight and prioritise chores and responsibilities. My DP would write me a little to do list of things that needed doing and I would work my way through it. It really helped to keep me focused on what needed be done and the busier I was the less time I had to feel anxious. As the days went on the list would become bigger so I was eased back into normality. I'm lucky I had somebody supportive who helped me.

Your partner sounds very lucky to have somebody like you but he now needs to start supporting you. I would explain that you now need help. Write down all the things that need to be done. Show him the list and explain that you expect him to to be able to x amount today. Write those out an another piece of paper for him. Then each day add more and more responsibilities onto his list. That is what would help somebody who really does have some mental health problems. Obveously if you think he is being a CF I'd go about it differently!

Your DH has been ill BUT if he is sleeping and eating better, able to go out with friends, able to work and enjoy a hobby/interest i.e. reading again he's well enough to help you.

I just want to say WELL DONE to you, you're doing a great job juggling everything and keeping it together.

Mental health issues can make people very self-centered because they spend a lot of time focusing and analysing themselves, their illness, how they can overcome it and feel better. But he is through his 'rough patch' and needs to rejoin family life again. It's not all about him, he isn't a single man, he has a pregnant wife and a toddler to also consider. You have supported him through his rough patch, you now need him to support you!

I would sit him down and tell him what support you need from him and be very clear e.g. help to pack up the house - maybe designate rooms or cupboards etc, take turns during the night, give you one morning either saturday or sunday a rest whilst he sorts out your toddler.

I'm torn on this one. Your dh is being a rubbish husband and father but depression doesn't just go away in three weeks!!

I'm suffering with depression and anxiety at the moment. I'm limping along with life through the fog (still going to work - only part time anyway thank goodness) and cooking/washing for my family but everything is a massive slog and I'm constantly exhausted. So I sympathise with him in terms of how hard things (and my illness sounds much less severe than his) but at the same time, not getting up until 10.30/11 am?!

If you want to knock that on the head then have a long talk with him about sleep hygiene - look it up, one of the key components is only SLEEPING in your bed. Not loafing around watching tv/reading/ipad etc. You go to bed when you are going to go to sleep. When you wake up you get up. If you wake up in the night, give it 30/40 mins to try and get back to sleep. If you don't, get up, do something (non-screen related) for 10-15 mins then go back to bed and try to get to sleep again (30-40 mins) repeat as necessary.

Depression does make you selfish. I'm trying very hard not to spend my time navel gazing but it's bloody hard when you are so sad all the time and so desperate to not be. Always asking WHY am I being like this, why is this happening to me?

So essentially, you can't expect your husband to be cured in 3 weeks. You can't expect him to be cured because you have HG (many, many sympathies, it's a bloody nightmare) and are moving house. BUT he does need to re-engage with family life. Maybe ask him to do one or two specific things a day. Explain you understand things are hard but that you desperately need some help. If he has one/two goals each day which will help you then you can start building it up to more participation in family life. An over-arching comment like 'you need to help more' is much too big a concept and too big a prospect for someone with depression I think. A smaller goal like 'please can you do ds's bath tonight' would be better. HTH.

So sorry you are both going through this. Awful timing all round and very stressful.

You can not drag someone out of depression / anxiety / mental ill health. You say he has been unwell, he still is. You do not go from not functioning to fully functioning within three weeks.

Is he receiving help? If the GP took him serious what is he doing about it, has the GP or midwife offered you help? Have either of you asked for any? This is where you should start.

People with poor MH can sometimes seem to be selfish and struggling on your own will make you tired and resentful, you need to seek support just as you would if your OH had any other debilitating illness.

OK, I’ve read some of your other posts now... Feel a little strange playing the armchair psychiatrist but the thing that’s jumping out at me — financial problems due to him not ‘keeping track’ of accounts (blatant overspending including on housing?), the ‘brilliance’ in a creative industry, the smoking, the immobilising and sudden nature of the depression — is that your husband is bipolar. You also say that he’s on antidepressants. Presumably an SSRI? These drugs can be disastrous for people with bipolar — they can actually speed up and precipitate mood cycles, and be worse than taking nothing. I think you need to tell the GP about the suicide threats (if he hasn’t) and get an emergency referral to a psychiatrist. If someone else has the money to pay for it, or if you can find it somewhere, I would also consider paying out of pocket now and seeing the NHS psychiatrist later (because it might take a while to get a referral).

Don't know what you expect from this, seeing as there's no magic want to make a lazy CF step up to responsibilities he chose to take on. He's never going to do that because he doesn't want to. He will always have an excuse and when you try to make him step up, he'll use that excuse as a get out of life clause (except when it comes to what pleases him, going out with friends, reading on his own, etc). And you'll keep enabling that. This is what works for you both.

He's currently in the bath. He's been in there for an hour.