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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I blowing everything out of proportion

103 replies

Witchesandwizards · 03/02/2018 21:57

I have just returned from and epic, 8 day work trip, the first trip away from DD8 and DS5.
By all accounts DH did an awesome job for the entire week (until last night which is my issue), but I did put clothes and kit in daily piles for each child as well as prepare meals for the entire week or instructions for any packed lunches/snack requirements. Pretty much parenting by numbers, although I know it’s not always that easy.
Last night it was a friend’s birthday and kids were included on an invite to a small party at their house. It started at 6pm and usually we would leave in time to get the kids in bed by 10pm. Late but it doesn’t happen often.
I arrived home this evening after 30 hours of travel and I was so excited to see everyone – I haven’t even had wifi so literally no contact for a week. DH suggested going out for dinner and I wasn’t that keen as I am shattered, but better than cooking. On the way out, I realised that the kids were behaving oddly and DH was evasive about what time they had gone to bed. DD was more willing to divulge that they left the party at about midnight and had a sleepover with a friend - bearing in mind the party was 10 mins walk away and the sleepover house half way in between that house and ours, this is nuts. DH also stayed. DD told me that DS woke her up early so, at a guess, they would have had a max 5 hours sleep. At the restaurant we had just started our food when DS completely lost it over something trivial. A complete meltdown. DH was in complete denial that it was anything to do with him, instead telling me that there had been no shouting all week and now I come home and it starts. The restaurant was packed and rather than cause a scene I just left my food and walked home.
I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair on the kids, but I’m so exhausted I would have probably got into an argument with him.
When they all get home he still denied that it is anything to do with last night, and then I find out that they haven’t cleaned their teeth for two days (impromptu sleepover and early sports club today) and that he took then to another friend’s house this afternoon so he could watch rugby, only arriving home 10 minutes before my cab. The kids they were visiting are fairly crazy and DS looks up to them as they are older.
When I said anything about the situation he accused me of attacking him - reacting aggressively to questions that I thought were perfectly normal given the behaviour I had witnessed since arriving home. The kids are so fragile that they were upset we are fighting and blamed me for it, encouraged by DH. I’m the bad one. As in, everything was ok when I was away and now it’s not….

I’m furious that he has done this, and don’t understand how he can be in denial. Of course it has to do with no frigging sleep, tennis this morning and running round like crazy things until 6pm tonight. He’s now gone to bed in DS’s room with him, and DS who is a proper mummy’s boy is giving me the cold shoulder. DD had hysterics at our arguing and is in my bed waiting for me while I’m downstairs wondering why I even came home and feeling terrible about upsetting the kids.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 03/02/2018 22:07

Well he sounds pretty useless, and, as you know, this is all pretty crap for the kids. Does he always react like this?

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/02/2018 22:16

It doesn't sound like it's you upsetting the children. It sounds like he's been behaving like a bit of a prick and isn't keen on being called out on it.

Saltandsauce · 03/02/2018 22:17

Listen, I think you’re tired, he’s tired, the kids are tired, and yes, I think you’re blowing everything out of proportion. So what if the kids had one late night and a sleepover at friends? So what if they skipped a day brushing their teeth? So what if he took them to a friends to watch the rugby and wasn’t dutifully waiting at home for you to return?
Were the kids happy at the time? Probably!
Let’s be honest, if you had been left with the kids by yourself for a week, and then your husband came home and criticised everything you had done, would you not be miffed??
Don’t sweat the small stuff Hun, give the kids and hubby a big squish in the morning and forget about it 🙂 xxx

Saltandsauce · 03/02/2018 22:21

Although turning the kids against you is a bit shit x

ihatethecold · 03/02/2018 22:21

You sound tired and when I am tired sometimes things seem worse than if I was rested.
Maybe having a take away would have been less stressful.
Does it really matter ?

Bobbiepin · 03/02/2018 22:22

It is a crap situation but it sound like it's been made 10x worse by everyone being tired. Although I would never normally advocate going to sleep on an argument, you all obviously need rest.

In the morning consider this:

Teeth brushing is a bit grim but not the end of the world if its a one off.
Restaurant meltdown is embarrassing but in the grand scheme of things not a huge deal.
Bedtime was a fuck up. DH does need to acknowledge this but (IMO) only because of the early morning & busy day combined with dinner out. I'm sure you wouldn't object to the occasional night out if it was arranged properly on a special occasion.

I think the thing you are most pissed off about is DH not taking responsibility (fair enough) although is it possible you've only focussed on this and he's getting defensive over one bad choice that dominoed into something bigger when he did a decent job the rest of the week.

Get some rest and discuss it in the morning but other than an apology and some quality time with your kids, I wouldn't expect much.

fifipop185 · 03/02/2018 22:22

What saltandsauce said. You are blowing it out of proportion a little bit, (I'm good at that) but purely due to everyone's tiredness and you not having the reunion with your family you were expecting. Never mind, shake it off and have a lovely day with everyone tomorrow.

WipsGlitter · 03/02/2018 22:27

Teeth - meh
Sleepover sounds fun
Rugby sounds ok
Walking out of dinner - bit of an over reaction

Next time get a take away and go to bed.

Also don't make it so easy for him with the piles of clothes etc

Allthewaves · 03/02/2018 22:28

In the grand scheme of things does it really matter they stayed up until midnight and had a sleep over? But they knew how you would react to that and felt they had to keep it a secret.

Cleaning teeth - not the end of the world

Going to friends house - dh choice as he has the kids.

Honestly you do seem to be second guessing his care and it's not how you would have done it. You did create a whole load of drama and upset the kids

BewareOfDragons · 03/02/2018 22:28

Your DH sounds like a punitive asshole. Who uses their kids as weapons??? Assholes.

He had no business involving the children and turning them against you because you inquired about his (yes, shitty) judgment.

Seniorcitizen1 · 03/02/2018 22:30

You are blowing it out of proportion

outofmydepth45 · 03/02/2018 22:31

He probably feels like he's done well, the kids survived and you've then picked away at that. Sounds like everyone is tired, all none issues

guineapig1 · 03/02/2018 22:37

Another one agreeing with salt and sauce. It is difficult to see the big picture when you’re exhausted (and possibly also a bit jet lagged/ out of sync with your body clock). Both DH and I have busy jobs which involve travel. It is tough when you have little ones, both on the one doing the travelling but also being at home with the kids.

Try not to sweat it. Have a good night’s sleep and tomorrow is a new day for you all.

WitchIwasaWitch18 · 03/02/2018 22:40

Get some sleep. And next time don't pander to him. He's an adult and quite capable of cooking and sorting out their clothes for a week. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean he can't grow up and look after two little ones.

It will be alright tomorrow.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/02/2018 22:41

Stealing this as I couldn't say it any better...

WipsGlitter Sat 03-Feb-18 22:27:12
Teeth - meh
Sleepover sounds fun
Rugby sounds ok
Walking out of dinner - bit of an over reaction
Next time get a take away and go to bed.
Also don't make it so easy for him with the piles of clothes etc

notsohippychick · 03/02/2018 22:41

I’m sorry but yes you are. It’s no biggie.

Don’t sweat the small stuff eh?

mummmy2017 · 03/02/2018 22:41

Your husband has just done 8 days of full on kids.
Give the guy a break, he didn't seem to mind being in charge, and a heck of a lot of blokes WOULD.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 22:42

I also think you're tired. Sleep on this.

I often travelled for work trips. My motto was it's my husbands choice now he parents in this time. It is not my right to dictate how he does it or complain he did it wrong.

Sure it may have made them tired, but I'm sure they had a brilliant time. That's all that matters, they havea routine the rest of the time. His parenting isn't up to your standards, but you were not there. He was and he was the one who made the decisions.

So go to bed and stop complaining he did it wrong. He didn't. He did it his way which is his right.

FlashTheSloth · 03/02/2018 22:43

I wouldn't be impressed tbh. Sounds like he put himself before his children. Ie he wanted to stay at the party so kept them up late, he wanted to stay out so they ended up with a sleepover where they couldn't lie in this morning. He wanted to watch the rugby so took them out despite them being overtired and probably needing a chill out day.

Sounds like a typical man if I'm honest. I can't say I know of any dad (and they aren't bad dads) that actually puts their children's needs before their own.

Achoopichu · 03/02/2018 22:45

You treated him like he’s useless by doing everything for him in preparation, why did you feel the need to do that?

My xh would have done something just like this. Far more laid back (read lazy) parenting style than mine. I do worry about the kids a bit when they go to his but they’ve survived so far, and they do seem to have more fun with him

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 03/02/2018 22:45

I’d say it’s all down to tireness. My DP is generally a happy go lucky chirpy guy but when he ain’t had enough sleep he can be a right asshole. Me on the other hand if I’ve not had enough sleep I force myself to be happy, coz you still gotta make it through the day. I don’t blame you for leaving the clothes sorted. I do the same because if I left the bf in charge my kids would look like clowns (he’s somewhat colourblind)

RemainOptimistic · 03/02/2018 22:46

It's a shock isn't it. To discover all of this has been going on.

Sleep on it, give yourself a chance to mentally process the news of what DH has been up to.

SavageBeauty73 · 03/02/2018 22:46

Sleepover was fun. Rugby was a distraction. Teeth aren't the end of the world.

I think you should have got a takeaway. Sleep well tomorrow and start again tomorrow.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2018 22:47

Sounds like a typical man if I'm honest. I can't say I know of any dad (and they aren't bad dads) that actually puts their children's needs before their own

Oh there's always one isn't there. The kids probably had a whale of a time, no harm was done. Sounds like they could do with the occasional bit of letting their hair down. He's done nothing wrong, you'd think he had them down the mines whilst he was lying pissed in the corner the way your havering on.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 03/02/2018 22:47

Agree with witch, I can't understand why you needed to organise all the meals and outfits in advance. Is it because you believe he can't/won't or is there a a little bit of "I know best, I'm the mum"?

Tonight will blow over, everyone's tired and neither of you covered yourselves in glory. If you are going to be traveling for work in the future though you should probably step back a bit and let him manage. And of course he may well need to step up a bit!

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