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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I blowing everything out of proportion

103 replies

Witchesandwizards · 03/02/2018 21:57

I have just returned from and epic, 8 day work trip, the first trip away from DD8 and DS5.
By all accounts DH did an awesome job for the entire week (until last night which is my issue), but I did put clothes and kit in daily piles for each child as well as prepare meals for the entire week or instructions for any packed lunches/snack requirements. Pretty much parenting by numbers, although I know it’s not always that easy.
Last night it was a friend’s birthday and kids were included on an invite to a small party at their house. It started at 6pm and usually we would leave in time to get the kids in bed by 10pm. Late but it doesn’t happen often.
I arrived home this evening after 30 hours of travel and I was so excited to see everyone – I haven’t even had wifi so literally no contact for a week. DH suggested going out for dinner and I wasn’t that keen as I am shattered, but better than cooking. On the way out, I realised that the kids were behaving oddly and DH was evasive about what time they had gone to bed. DD was more willing to divulge that they left the party at about midnight and had a sleepover with a friend - bearing in mind the party was 10 mins walk away and the sleepover house half way in between that house and ours, this is nuts. DH also stayed. DD told me that DS woke her up early so, at a guess, they would have had a max 5 hours sleep. At the restaurant we had just started our food when DS completely lost it over something trivial. A complete meltdown. DH was in complete denial that it was anything to do with him, instead telling me that there had been no shouting all week and now I come home and it starts. The restaurant was packed and rather than cause a scene I just left my food and walked home.
I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair on the kids, but I’m so exhausted I would have probably got into an argument with him.
When they all get home he still denied that it is anything to do with last night, and then I find out that they haven’t cleaned their teeth for two days (impromptu sleepover and early sports club today) and that he took then to another friend’s house this afternoon so he could watch rugby, only arriving home 10 minutes before my cab. The kids they were visiting are fairly crazy and DS looks up to them as they are older.
When I said anything about the situation he accused me of attacking him - reacting aggressively to questions that I thought were perfectly normal given the behaviour I had witnessed since arriving home. The kids are so fragile that they were upset we are fighting and blamed me for it, encouraged by DH. I’m the bad one. As in, everything was ok when I was away and now it’s not….

I’m furious that he has done this, and don’t understand how he can be in denial. Of course it has to do with no frigging sleep, tennis this morning and running round like crazy things until 6pm tonight. He’s now gone to bed in DS’s room with him, and DS who is a proper mummy’s boy is giving me the cold shoulder. DD had hysterics at our arguing and is in my bed waiting for me while I’m downstairs wondering why I even came home and feeling terrible about upsetting the kids.

OP posts:

Achoopichu · 03/02/2018 22:47

Wonder if there are any husbands on mumsnet that would go away for a week with work and batch cook meals in advance dnd have all clothes ready in case dw would struggle - I’ll be very surprised if there’s any 😄

mummmy2017 · 03/02/2018 22:48

Doesn't the fact your child is cross with you show that maybe you might be wrong.
Your DD is also upset at the shouting, and it's all to do with you thinking your way is the only way..

Have you reread your post.
Children MUST be in bed by.
Children have to have hours sleep.
He went to watch Rugby not waitiing in and YOU don't like the children.
Are you sure you want a man or a mouse.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 03/02/2018 22:49

@mummy2017
He’s their dad so what if he’s had the kids full on for 8 days. Mums are always full on everyday and many don’t get breaks.

MurielsBottom · 03/02/2018 22:49

Actually it sounds to me like your DH needs more practice with the kids. The things you mention are not worth getting het up over, the picture you paint is that you manage everything at home and dh can't be trusted with anything.

It takes practice to get kids out the house on your own, to remember they need to clean their teeth, to organise suitable outfits. I would suggest you step back and let dh do a little more with less criticism from you. Your way is not the only way.

SashaSashays · 03/02/2018 22:49

You really are blowing things out of proportion. If my DH came home after over a week away and picked at something innocuous like seeing friends to watch Rugby and kids having a late night, tired or not, he’d probably be spending the night at his mothers!

You either trust him as an equal parent to your children and leave him in charge to make decisions or you don’t.

It does sound like you’ve come back and tried to take control. Typically we’re all a bit grumpy when tired but tounor the kiss being a bit fractious for one day isn’t a huge issue. Draw a line under it and sleep it off.

potoftea · 03/02/2018 22:50

I think if my dh came home after 8 days away working, and then criticised any aspect of how I had ran the home or looked after our children without his help, I'd bloody kill him.
If he's their father his choices for how to look after them are no less valid than yours.

thebear1 · 03/02/2018 22:50

I must be lucky and know lots of dads who put their children first. Perhaps they loved the party and didn't want to leave? It sounds like both of you made mistakes but after some sleep perhaps perspectives will change.

Hohofortherobbers · 03/02/2018 22:51

YABU. Get a good night's sleep and apologise in the morning. If you don't you may find he makes it difficult for you to go on another work trip

AJPTaylor · 03/02/2018 22:53

Kids over tired and overwhelmed equally cos you werent there
Dh kept them busy. Not the way you would but you cant have it all.
Everyone get some sleep.

lalalalyra · 03/02/2018 22:55

I think a dad who came home from 8 days away who launched straight into all the things his wife had done wrong would get torn to shreds, and right so.

The only thing 'wrong' was dinner out instead of takeaway.

campion · 03/02/2018 23:00

You were away 8 days,your DH did 'an awesome job' you say,your DC probably had lots of fun, and a change of routine is actually good sometimes.

He's feeling pissed off by your nit picking,I guess. You're obviously well organised but you can't control things when you aren't there. Give him some credit,especially if he's never done it before.

You're all tired,you especially,...cut him some slack and carry on.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 03/02/2018 23:02

Hope that you've all gone to bed.

Your h shouldn't have blamed you in front of the kids and should have admitted he'd been slack.

You should be grateful that you have a husband who takes cares of the kids while you go on business. There are some women on here who think it's fine that their husbands can't dress their kids or deal with more than one kid at a time.

Next time get a takeaway!!

I think that after you've all had a decent sleep that you'll all realise how much you love each other.

Idontdowindows · 03/02/2018 23:03

I think you're tired and because of that you're blowing it out of proportion.

I also find it very strange that you micromanaged your time away. He's their dad, at some point you're going to have to let him care for the children the way he cares for them, not insist he does it your way.

As long as he doesn't endanger them, what does it matter that it's not exactly the same as you do it?

So, sleep on it and start over tomorrow morning when everyone is rested.

Crunched · 03/02/2018 23:03

I parent differently to my DH, sounds like you do too.
Find myself agreeing with Allthewaves, outofmydepth45 and other posters.
When DH is away, you can do it all your way

PersonAtHome · 03/02/2018 23:04

It's obviously an unpopular opinion but I do think DH has been a bit rubbish here. Mainly because he didn't fess up to the late night and then suggested a meal out (which he must have known would go badly with two over tired children).

If he's kept the kids up late, fair enough, but he needs to take responsibility for the horrible day you're all going to have the day after and apologise for it all being a bit of a rubbish vibe when you returned from your week away.

AFingerofFudge · 03/02/2018 23:04

The thing is that when you're away for a bit (either partner) then in my experience, the ones "left behind" get into their own rhythm, and for a day or so when they get back, they have to find their groove back in with the others. It can take a while to settle down with each other again and so I think you need to sleep, sit back and think about it and maybe just cut them some slack. Not that he's behaved well either!

AuntieStella · 03/02/2018 23:08

I think you are blowing it out of proportion.

But be kind to yourself. You are also very tired.

You do however need to realise that the person who has been away doesn't get to come back and tell the person who's been holding the fort that they've been doing it all wrong.

Learn from this. The odd exceptional night out or skipping of tooth brushing won't hurt DC. Warring parents all too easily will.

So if you travel again, don't go out the first night you're back (that in itself is pretty obpverwhelming for DC) - get a takeaway if no-one wants to cook.

Find out what they've been up to, but don't make anything other than entirely positive comments for first 24 hours. If there are things that still seem important after that, raise them. But at a calm time and when DC are well out of earshot.

Slarti · 03/02/2018 23:10

I don't think there's anything particularly wrong with the bedtime or with the rugby, and even the teeth brushing can be forgiven once or twice (despite it being a major bug bare of mine). The major issue here seems to be that you run the household on your own and neither you or your partner (and I use the term loosely) has any great expectations for his input. If my wife left out piles of clothes and 'parent by numbers' instructions for me I'd be pretty insulted, but she wouldn't because that sort of thing is what parents do, not what mothers do. I do think walking out of the restaurant was out of order.

whiteroseredrose · 03/02/2018 23:13

You weren't there so he parented the way he preferred. You do it your way, he did it his way.

LadyLapsang · 03/02/2018 23:14

I'm with Achoo, when DH went away when DS was at home (for a lot longer than a week), he would have done nothing to prepare apart from himself for work, and would have expected to come home to a well-run home. I can't think of a mother who would have done this when expecting her husband home from a business trip. From what you say, I wouldn't be surprised if you came home to piles of dirty washing and not much food in the house too.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 03/02/2018 23:16

It was one late night and sleepover. Not the end of the world. So they didn't brush their teeth I doubt they will fall out over night. I really don't see what's wrong with the rugby at all. So he didn't do things how you would have done. We're the kids happy? Fed? Got to school on time? Did their homework? You are nitpicking his parenting and that's bound to make him feel shitty especially if he is tired. Why did you storm out of the restaurant? Get some sleep and then talk in the morning.

StaplesCorner · 03/02/2018 23:19

Wow. Are we doing surrendered wives weekend here? You weren't there so he parented the way he preferred - yeah fucking right he did, as in he did everything that he wanted that suited him, his preference in parenting being not to bother much at all.

Those with a penis cannot possibly be expected to parent, and any bit they do is to be lauded is that right?

5plusMeAndHim · 03/02/2018 23:22

You sound very hard work OP.
He is their parent too.When you are looking after them you do it your way.When he is looking after them he does it HIS way. Neither one of you has teh right to dictate to the other.
A late night and an impromptu sleepover , and playing with older friends this morning sounds like great fun.

incywincybitofa · 03/02/2018 23:23

To be honest when I have been away the kids get a bit fractious and out of sorts on my return-when DH goes away and comes back it's the same. A meltdown is not unexpected.
He went out possibly because he wanted to celebrate your return and do something nice. If it's your first trip he probably had no idea how they/you would react.
Last night quite possibly had very little to do with your DS having a melt down.

Graphista · 03/02/2018 23:25

I wouldn't have sorted the clothes and food - he should be perfectly capable of doing this.

But you need to remind yourself of 2 things

Your way is not the only way

there's nothing wrong with different parenting styles (providing no abuse or GENUINE neglect of course - which doesn't include the occasional lack of sleep, missed teethbrushing)

They're HIS kids too

I do think you need to apologise tomorrow but also going forward step back a bit so dh can be a more involved parent.

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