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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I blowing everything out of proportion

103 replies

Witchesandwizards · 03/02/2018 21:57

I have just returned from and epic, 8 day work trip, the first trip away from DD8 and DS5.
By all accounts DH did an awesome job for the entire week (until last night which is my issue), but I did put clothes and kit in daily piles for each child as well as prepare meals for the entire week or instructions for any packed lunches/snack requirements. Pretty much parenting by numbers, although I know it’s not always that easy.
Last night it was a friend’s birthday and kids were included on an invite to a small party at their house. It started at 6pm and usually we would leave in time to get the kids in bed by 10pm. Late but it doesn’t happen often.
I arrived home this evening after 30 hours of travel and I was so excited to see everyone – I haven’t even had wifi so literally no contact for a week. DH suggested going out for dinner and I wasn’t that keen as I am shattered, but better than cooking. On the way out, I realised that the kids were behaving oddly and DH was evasive about what time they had gone to bed. DD was more willing to divulge that they left the party at about midnight and had a sleepover with a friend - bearing in mind the party was 10 mins walk away and the sleepover house half way in between that house and ours, this is nuts. DH also stayed. DD told me that DS woke her up early so, at a guess, they would have had a max 5 hours sleep. At the restaurant we had just started our food when DS completely lost it over something trivial. A complete meltdown. DH was in complete denial that it was anything to do with him, instead telling me that there had been no shouting all week and now I come home and it starts. The restaurant was packed and rather than cause a scene I just left my food and walked home.
I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair on the kids, but I’m so exhausted I would have probably got into an argument with him.
When they all get home he still denied that it is anything to do with last night, and then I find out that they haven’t cleaned their teeth for two days (impromptu sleepover and early sports club today) and that he took then to another friend’s house this afternoon so he could watch rugby, only arriving home 10 minutes before my cab. The kids they were visiting are fairly crazy and DS looks up to them as they are older.
When I said anything about the situation he accused me of attacking him - reacting aggressively to questions that I thought were perfectly normal given the behaviour I had witnessed since arriving home. The kids are so fragile that they were upset we are fighting and blamed me for it, encouraged by DH. I’m the bad one. As in, everything was ok when I was away and now it’s not….

I’m furious that he has done this, and don’t understand how he can be in denial. Of course it has to do with no frigging sleep, tennis this morning and running round like crazy things until 6pm tonight. He’s now gone to bed in DS’s room with him, and DS who is a proper mummy’s boy is giving me the cold shoulder. DD had hysterics at our arguing and is in my bed waiting for me while I’m downstairs wondering why I even came home and feeling terrible about upsetting the kids.

OP posts:
RebeccaWrongDaily · 03/02/2018 23:31

you are not in charge of your husband. they are also his kids.

I'd be furious if you came back after 8 days and started kicking off. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

NotEnoughCushions · 03/02/2018 23:32

Been there and my advice would be to get some sleep and start again tomorrow.

With hindsight, a takeaway or M&S ready meal might have been a better option than a meal out. With hindsight, DH might have taken the kids home a bit earlier last night but sometimes everyone seems happy and suddenly you get to "blimey, is that the time...". With hindsight...

There are nights when DH has been away and I have been horrible when he gets home because it's been full on with the kids and I am shattered and it feels as if he is disturbing my routine. Blush

I understand how you feel but it will look better in the morning.

whiteroseredrose · 03/02/2018 23:33

Yes staples. He parented his way. When I went away for work I had to let DH do it his way and I certainly didn't infantilise him (MN terminology) by setting out clothes and food. If I didn't think he could look after his own kids I wouldn't leave them with him.

WhendoIgetadayoff · 03/02/2018 23:38

Agree with others. Not worth the rows. Live and learn. This is sort of thing my exH does when he has kids. Not all time just every so often. I sigh and grimace internally, i make an extra effort of making sure teeth are clean, and get everyone caught up on sleep/homework / real food.
Then when I fuck up with kids cos I’m tired/stressed have loads on at work and I’m throwing them mcdonald’s for dinner I’m sure he does the same.
It’s just parenting.
Think OP has just guilted me now to getting out bed to do teeth as was so comfy and sleepy I was thinking instead of getting back up I’d just letting myself drift off........

Lookatyourwatchnow · 03/02/2018 23:45

Why on earth does he need batch cooked food and clothes setting out for him for the kids?! He is an adult, why the fuck would he not be able to sort this basic shit out himself? Single parents do it every day.

CotswoldStrife · 03/02/2018 23:49

You've over-reacted, OP. I hope it all settles down tomorrow.

Mummyontherun86 · 03/02/2018 23:52

I think you’re knackered.
Get a good sleep, tomorrow it will seem easier.
He’s probably tired and yes made some stupid parenting decisions. His mindset is probably he’s held the fort, done his best while you’ve been away and now your criticising him when he was trying to be nice..
Sleep. Thank him for taking care of the kids (as I hope he would/does when you do) and laugh together about parenting cock ups.

Ginseng1 · 03/02/2018 23:59

Not sure why u did all the batch cooking etc would he do that if you going away?
My Dh is away for 2weeks with work he wouldn't dare start criticising me the evening he gets home. Then again I know he'll be wrecked n kids v excited so won't b planning a meal out that was bit silly given everyone's tired state. Be annoyed if he's left u 2 weeks a washing tho!!!

PurpleRobe · 04/02/2018 00:11

Completely over reacting.

Kid had a tantrum because he was tired. Has that never happened under your care before?

Sounding like a Control freak as dh didnt do things exactly how you would have done them

NellMangel · 04/02/2018 00:12

Bloody hell it must be awesome to be a husband. Batch cooked meals and wardrobe choices laid out.

These are the reasons I'll never get into a cohabiting relationship again. Sorry I don't mean offence but I resent this expectation that one partner organises the home and the other is a passive childlike presence.

I also think the OP needs to accept that her DH might parent differently and shouldn't be told off for it. I hope they all had fun at the party. I agree with others that the tiredness has probably created an overreaction.

GabsAlot · 04/02/2018 00:13

wouldnt have cooked all the meals and sorted the clothes

he didnt need to belittle u in front of the kids though

Dermymc · 04/02/2018 00:16

Fucking hell who leaves out clothes and meals?

Someone. Who controls their every move from afar, that's who.

They had fun. Outside your comfort zone, but it speaks volumes they felt the need to keep it a secret.

Cavender · 04/02/2018 00:21

So basically the kids had fun and were well entertained but were tired?

it happens, just put them to bed early.

You are over reacting because you are tired.

Fighting in front of the children to the extent that your D.C. are hysterical is appalling behaviour on both your parts.

The only thing I’d be annoyed about is the tooth brushing. But even then, annoyed, not fighting.

He’s been running things alone while you’ve been away. Give the man a break.

(and next time don’t be a martyr he can presumably feed himself and the kids on his own)

5foot5 · 04/02/2018 00:59

He’s their dad so what if he’s had the kids full on for 8 days. Mums are always full on everyday and many don’t get breaks

That's a bit of a generalization. If this Mum has the sort of job that requires her to be away for 8 days she presumably isn't full on everyday and has childcare in place.

And that is in no way meant to be a criticism because I worked more or less full time from DD being less than a year. DH always pulled his weight. However when he had to go away with work to Australia for two weeks I was so craving adult company I can easily imagine making the most of any social occasions that came up.

I do think YAB a bit U

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/02/2018 01:06

You’re in the wrong here OP.

I hope you all have a better day tomorrow!

Lashalicious · 04/02/2018 01:22

I think you were so tired, and your dh thought he’d done a great job with the dc, the dc thought everything was fine and good and then you started criticizing dh. I think you have certain standards as we moms do, and the dads have a bit lower, that has been my experience with my dh. If it were up to dh, he would never remind ds to brush his teeth or take a shower or anything he’s supposed to do, or go to bed at a decent hour.

I think your dh was proud of taking care of the dc for 8 days and reacted badly to your questions because of that. He probably was expecting a thank you and a big hug. You’re both tired and the dc were upset at the fighting. I would have reacted the exact same way as you by the way. Why did they have to have a sleepover, etc. I personally would want to approve any sleepovers with my dc if they were 8 and 5 and I would be angry at dh if he let them do that at the last minute. Like you said, it is ten minutes to home so why the sleepover. And he should have gotten them home before midnight. You have very valid points, op.

scottishdiem · 04/02/2018 01:27

I cant actually see what he did wrong to be honest. Yes, it was not how you would do things but that doesnt mean its actually wrong.

One late night for the kids and you are sniping at him. Really?

Did you leave an approved friends list or chart that maps out contact/behaviour consequences? Given you were snippy about the "crazy friends" your children were exposed to.

You left your upset son in a restaurant. Tell us, do you think that would have caused him to calm down or get more upset?

You do know what would happen if a man posted here and said "My wife didnt put the kids to bed when I think they should, let them have some fun, has a social life that I am not happy with and things were so problematic that I just left them in a restaurant as dealing with a childs tantrum is not what I want to be doing"

He would be slaughtered. I think you are getting off lightly.

scottishdiem · 04/02/2018 01:30

ten minutes to home so why the sleepover

Growing up I remember sleep-overs with friends across the road with others from up the street. The issue was not the proximity of the bed but the fun of the actual sleepover.

Has this changed now? Are sleepovers only valid if they are beyond a certain radius of a house? Is that walking or driving distance?

Coyoacan · 04/02/2018 01:33

Sorry, OP, but posts like yours make me glad I was a single mother. Having to parent as if I were sitting a hard exam would have had me failing at the first post. I know children need their sleep, but the odd disruption of that is not the end of the world.

Lashalicious · 04/02/2018 01:45

I know, scottish I’m just saying what I would feel about it. I would want to know beforehand that my dc were going to sleep over at someone’s house, that’s all. I think 8 and 5 are young and I admit I am vigilant about my own dc and who he’s around, if I know the parents well, etc.

The dc had fun and they and dh may have seen this as eight days of freedom and dh saw it as making fun memories, I’m just saying I can relate to the op, as I am the “bad cop” making sure dc does the not so fun stuff too.

Fattymcfaterson · 04/02/2018 01:52

You abandoned your son in the restaurant when ye was upset and hadn't seen you for 8 days. Then you have the audacity to criticise your husbands parenting!! Have a look at your own! Who walks out on their family in a restaurant because so a tantrum? Really?! Tiredness isn't an excuse for that. That was fucking poor behaviour which only exacerbated the problem.

Have a sleep and apologise to your DH.

If you don't like "his style" of parenting, then take a job that doesn't require to be to be away and do it your fucking self

RebelRogue · 04/02/2018 01:53

You overreacted, but I would've too. Lack of sleep, having to go out, meltdowns and arguments. I assume you expected a better "reunion " after being gone and no contact for 8 days.
However, once I would've got some sleep I'd apologise to OH and the kids and have a nice quiet day together. It wasn't on purpose and sometimes things go to shit, especially when everyone is tired. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for you all.

kiwigeekmum · 04/02/2018 02:00

Let’s be honest, if you had been left with the kids by yourself for a week, and then your husband came home and criticised everything you had done, would you not be miffed??

Agree with this.

I do the majority of the childcare in our family, but I still appreciate my DH's help in the evenings. If he'd been away for 8 days then proceeded to rip into me for my parenting choices that I made while he was away, it would NOT go over well. Angry

The kids are tired, you're tired, DH is tired. Have a couple of early nights to catch up and get back to being a team.

Regarding the planned meals & organised clothes - I just assumed you're a super organised, caring and helpful Mum who just wanted to make life easier for everyone, which is very kind of you. (Of course there's a slim chance you're a control freak who can't stand the idea of DH having an independent thought. But probably not. Wink )

cantsleepclownwilleatme · 04/02/2018 02:04

He's a useless dad. Not sure why you packed their clothes and made meals for them all. Just confirms how useless he is.

Sleephead1 · 04/02/2018 07:01

What would annoy me is not really the late night as such but why not tell you about it and suggest a meal out he must have known the kids would be so tired but ecxited to see you and it would all be to much and end in disaster. Also of I'm honest and my husband had been away and travelling back I would have had god ready at home even if it was just a couple of pizzas to chuck in oven. I would not have discussed any of this in front of the children and spoke to him once children in bed. As you have just got back argued with dad in front of them. I agree He's been a dick for encouraging them to blame you. But from their point of view they have had fun with daddy mummy got back started arguing and everyone over tired. Once you have all had a good sleep have a relaxing day today with your children and speak to your husband in private tonight.